Finding Our Way
by living-daydreams
Summary: How far will one kid go to keep her family together? Will she be the one to remind her parents of exactly how deep their love really is for one another? A journey about finding our way back home, no matter how difficult the road ahead may be.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Hello everyone! So this is my first ever fic that I've written completely on my own; I've loved Addek for pretty much forever so I'm happy my mind has finally gotten creative enough to do something about it! haha. If you've ever read the novel "Dream Country" by Luanne Rice, this story is going to be loosely based off of that, as well as the Grey's Anatomy plotline (starting from about when Derek left New York for Seattle after the whole Addison/Mark fiasco, with some flashbacks here and there). If you haven't read that book though, I highly recommend it...I'm a complete sap when it comes to romance novels. Anyway, I hope you enjoy my story! Cheers!**

***By the way, I will most likely be switching POVs every so often, but I would like to keep it in first person throughout the entire story. Also, I'm rating it T right now; some chapters in the future might be somewhat more M, but I'll let you know ahead of time if that happens :)***

**I don't own anything, except for Lauren Maureen Montgomery Shepherd, she is all mine :)**

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**Chapter 1**

**Lauren's POV**

I remember that night like it was yesterday, the night where suddenly, everything changed again. The life that my family had created for themselves was suddenly shattered into a million pieces, leaving me wondering if there would ever be anything left to put back together. My name is Lauren Maureen Montgomery Shepherd, Laurie for short, and this is my life. I am 16 years old and a native of New York City – a place where, despite all the horrors that went on over the years, I could still look out at all of the city lights and pretend everything was magical. Now I'm not saying I haven't had my share of trouble that would disappoint my parents, I'm just saying that when things are already going south between them, I'm smart enough to keep my mouth shut.

It had been over a month since that night, when Dad left, without a word of where he was going. I remember because I had spent about six hours sitting in his office at the hospital that evening after school and soccer practice, waiting for him to come out of some big surgery – something about a tumor the size of a softball, and another thing about how he was the "only one who could do it." Whatever, both Mom and I were used to lines like that by then. When we finally left the hospital, it was dark, pouring rain, and nearing midnight. I wondered if Mom would still be up waiting for us or if she had just given up on Dad coming home at a normal time and went to bed early, like most nights lately.

When we pulled into the driveway and then entered the house, right away we could both sense that something wasn't right. Of course the brownstone would be quiet because again, it was nearing midnight, but this time it was almost too quiet, like the kind of silence no one wants to break because God knows what would happen if they did. It's dark in the foyer and all throughout downstairs which is weird, because even if Mom had gone to bed early, she would have at least thought to leave a light on for us. Dad immediately looks for the switch and flips it on; right away we both see a leather jacket hung up on the post at the bottom of the stairs – a jacket that doesn't belong to Dad. He tells me to stay downstairs, and then calls out Mom's name.

"Addison! Addie, are you awake?" He calls up the stairs as he's walking.

I head into the kitchen to make myself a cup of tea, suddenly realizing how tired I'm feeling. I figure, whatever Dad wants to sort out with Mom tonight, he won't need my help. After I make my tea, all I want to do is go upstairs, put on my pajamas, and curl up in my bed. But when I turn around, I realize that sleep is the last thing the Shepherd family will be getting tonight. When I turn around I see a man sprinting down the stairs, topless; a man who looked remarkably like my Uncle Mark, my parents' best friend and one of my favorite people in the world.

"What the fuck...?" I wonder aloud to myself. Why was my Uncle Mark upstairs in our house topless? Then I hear Mom from upstairs.

"Derek! Derek! Listen to me! Derek, you can't do this…we have to talk about this…"

I immediately back into the kitchen and kneel down behind a counter. I already know this is something I don't want to see.

"…wait. What are you doing with my clothes?!" I hear Mom again. "It was one time! I know that's what people say I know that's always what gets said. It's just I don't know how it happened I don't know what I was thinking he was here he was just here!"

"YOU SCREW MY BEST FRIEND AND ALL YOU CAN SAY IS, 'HE WAS JUST HERE?!'"

Oh. When I said earlier I didn't want to see what was going on with my parents, I suddenly wished with all my heart and soul that I didn't have to hear them either. I plug my ears, but still that doesn't block out the sound of my family falling apart, again. I don't even know if either one of my parents remember that I'm in the house, awake. I hear the sound of the front door slam, so I unplug my ears a little bit. My first thought is that they both went outside, but then I hear Dad's heavy breathing. I think about going out and seeing if he's alright, but then judgment gets the better of me. Of course he's not alright, Mom just cheated on him with Uncle Mark, and while I don't really like to think about my mother in bed (or my parents' sex lives in general), I can tell that this is something that hurt my Dad on a level that no one can even explain, and that he will need my help to heal again, with or without Mom. I peer around the corner slowly; Mom is standing right outside the door a midst all her clothes, sobbing, begging Dad to let her back in. Eventually he obliged, and all her apologies came spewing out.

"…you have to give me a chance to show you how sorry I am. I'm sorry, okay?"

As I kneel there, I can't even decide how upset I want to be with Mom. On one hand, she broke my father's heart – my father, the love of her life, and someone who has done nothing short of work hard for this family. But on the other hand, I am not naïve enough to not notice the downhill slide that has been my parents' marriage as of late. As their only living child, there's not much to distract me with at home from my parent's lives. I knew that Dad had been taking on exponentially more hours at work over the past year or so; I have no idea why, but I could see the hurt in Mom's eyes every time he didn't make it home for a special dinner she cooked, or to one of my soccer games, or most recently to a banquet where Mom was given a prestigious award for an experimental surgery she performed successfully. I mean, even _I_ managed to show up for that, in dress, heels, curled hair and all. I was caught between a rock and a hard place; I didn't want to lose either one of my parents. I had always been closer to Dad, probably because I'm a bit of a tomboy, but if asked to choose between him and Mom, I don't know if I could do it.

I hear Dad say, "I'm gonna go. You stay. I'll get my clothes in the morning."

"No no no no, we can survive this, Derek we can survive this," Mom stutters, "we're…we're Addison and Derek!"

"I can't look at you. I look at you and I feel nauseous. I just…we're not Derek and Addison anymore."

"If you go now, we are not going to get through this. We don't have a chance, if you go."

I hear the door slam, and I know, at that moment, my father is gone. I feel the tears start to well up in my eyes, threatening to spill over. I want to believe that I'm in some sort of nightmare that, when I wake up from, I will be able to crawl into bed with my Mom and Dad and have them tell me that it's all okay, that everything's going to be okay. Alas, that's not the case this time. Putting on my brave face, I stand up from behind the counter. My tea forgotten in the kitchen, I make my way out into the foyer. It's there I see Mom, curled up into a ball at the bottom of the stairs. She looks a complete mess, lying there in just a t-shirt, make-up smeared everywhere, shaking slightly. In fact, it might just be the worst I've ever seen her, except for that one time, 10 years ago.

"Mommy?" I whisper, a little nervously.

I startle her; again I don't think she even remembered I was home.

"Laurie," she breathes. I can tell she doesn't even know what to say to me. To ask if I heard what just happened would be stupid, of course I heard. I heard everything. "I'm so sorry, oh baby I am so, so sorry," she starts to ramble.

Not wanting to hear this all over again, I shush her ever so slightly. Lord knows I have made my share of mistakes as of late, and while she doesn't know most of what happened with me, I know that after having made this mistake, she needs someone there to tell her that everything will be alright, and that she can have a second chance. She may not get one with Dad, but she's my Mom, the only one I will ever have, so I have to at least try. I go and sit next to her on the stairs and switch roles, enveloping her in my arms the way she does for me when I am hurt or scared. She immediately starts sobbing (and apologizing profusely) again, and I shush her again.

"Not right now," I say, "let's just get you upstairs and cleaned up. Everything's going to be okay," I say, half trying to convince her, half myself. She immediately starts to tell me that she doesn't want to sleep in "that bed" without Dad, which I almost want to snort at, given what just went down this evening. But I hold my tongue and lead her into the bathroom that's next to my room. I turn the water on for her and then leave her to go sit in my room and think about what the fuck just happened.

My mother just cheated on my father with his best friend. Apparently she regrets it. My father got his heart broken and now he is gone. If he'll be back in the morning I don't even know. I just wish I could talk to him right now, know where he is, what he's thinking. I pull out my phone and dial, but it goes straight to voicemail. I leave a message:

"Dad, it's me, Laurie. Please pick up, please," I start to beg like a small child. "I need to talk to you Dad…are you, are you okay? Where are you? Please, I want to see you. Don't leave forever, please. Just…I guess just call me when you get this. I love you so much Daddy."

I can hear Mom, still a mess, start to cry again in the shower. Pushing the noise to the side, I start to think again. My father is gone, I don't know where he is, and I don't know when or if he is coming back. What I do know, however, is that no matter how far, no matter how difficult the journey may be, I will be with my father again. If he leaves New York without me, I will go to him, no matter the cost, no matter where he is. I can't just let half my family remain broken; we've been through too much already.

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**Alright, so what do you guys think? Should I continue? I've got chapter 2 written already, which will explain quite a bit, with a lot of background from Lauren and the Shepherd family's lives pre-adultery. haha. Thanks for reading! :)**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Alright, here's chapter 2 for you kittenchops! Hopefully it'll help with most of the necessary background information. **

**Warning: If you're very much pro-life, you might find the end to this chapter a little bit controversial, but I tried not to make it too bad so hopefully you'll still read :)**

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything, except for again Lauren, and Katherine "Rinny" Angela Montgomery Shepherd, she's all mine too.**

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**Chapter 2**

**Lauren's POV**

As the weeks passed, so did most of my hope that my family would ever be put back together. I mentioned before my uncertainty if my father would ever come back. Well, as the weeks passed, that uncertainty turned into certainty. Dad wasn't returning to New York; I mean, if he had decided to come back and give Mom a second chance, he would have done so by now, right? It's either she gets a second chance or she doesn't, it really shouldn't be any more complicated than that, and by the looks of it, he isn't going to give her one. Okay, divorced parents, I can deal with this. Hundreds of kids at my high school have divorced parents, how hard could it be? Mom's house one weekend, Dad's the other, Mom's house for three school nights per week, Dad's for two. Ugh, never mind, parents shouldn't be that complicated. Well, I guess I don't even need to think about whose house I'm going to be staying at and when, given that my dad hasn't even called me back since that message I left him the night _it_ happened.

I try to ignore the thoughts that say he's avoiding me for whatever reason, because honest to God I can't think of a single one that would explain why he wouldn't want to talk to me right now. _Me_, the little girl who he would refer to as his Buddy, let ride on his shoulders after a soccer victory, and who shared his piercing blue eyes – the only trait he and I seem to share, well that and our undying love for the Boston Red Sox, much to Uncle Mark and every other New Yorker's dismay. No, I think the real reason behind Dad's not responding to my call that night is because he can't bring himself to think about me, during a time when he just wants to forget. I tried calling him several times over the next few days, but then I found his number had been deactivated, meaning he really didn't want to hear from not only Mom, but from _anyone_. I really wanted to know where he was, and if he was okay. I needed him, like I needed him 10 years ago when it happened.

Throughout the weeks I noticed Mom becoming more and more secluded as well. While she would try to keep on a front for my sake, her being a Forbes Montgomery that's what they do when times get tough, I could see right through it – her heart was breaking. Uncle Mark kept coming around more and more, saying all the things Mom needed to hear from a male figure like how great she is, how Dad will "come around," and how much she is loved (by him most likely…gag me). I really wished he would just leave us alone; I love Uncle Mark, I really do, but I really don't want to see him now. I wanted him out of our lives, at least for the time being so that my parents (and me too I guess) could get their feet back on the ground, wherever my dad's feet may be.

It's about a month after Dad left that I spot Mom in the hallway staring at the picture, after getting home from my last day of school, of my sophomore year. It's been a while since she's done it, and I know that because she only looks, and I mean really _looks_ at that picture during the times when she's indescribably overcome with emotion and sadness. I could probably count on a few hands the number of days she's had like those, where getting out of bed is almost too much to bear, the most difficult of all, for a few years at least, being our birthday. I think about going over and putting a hand on her shoulder or giving her a hug, but instead I just let her be in her own world, where everything was as it should be: her, Dad, me, and Katherine.

I don't like to revisit the story of my twin sister's death very often, because when I do it often leads to hours upon hours of sitting in a dark room alone, dreaming of what my life would be like if my other half were still alive. But sometimes, despite my most valiant of efforts, she comes to me and doesn't want to let go; those times are the hardest. It's been 10 years since we lost my sister, and I guess I should mention too that the other reason why I don't like to revisit her death is because of the guilt. It's the guilt I feel every time I think of that accident and the fact that I should have died too – we were born together, we should have died together.

It was a Tuesday afternoon during the New York City springtime; the trees were all in bloom and the sun would come out just often enough to keep people in good spirits, and remind them that summer would come one day soon. Six-year-olds Rinny (our nickname for her…in Dad's opinion, shortening Katherine to just Kate or Katie was "too common, Rinny better reflected her own unique, bubbly personality,") and I were walking home from a ballet class Mom had forced, well me at least, sign up for. Rinny, the older twin by seven minutes, was always the "girl" of the two of us. Like I said before, I've always been a bit of a tomboy – soccer, running, and all things not pink are my things. But Rinny on the other hand _loved_ anything to do with dance (she actually dragged me to ballet one time…literally, I still have the scar), dresses, shoes (much to Mom's pleasure), and tea parties. I remember she and I used to have tea parties all the time with my stuffed animals, her dolls, and occasionally Mom and Dad sat around our little table. That was pretty much the only time I would ever be caught dead in a dress, because I knew how much those little parties meant to my sister, my best friend. The interesting thing is though, that despite my being more like Dad, I am the spitting image of Mom (including the red hair), minus the eyes of course, and Rinny was the exact opposite – Mom's eyes, but everything else was Dad. She even got the dark hair. I guess you could say people got lucky with telling us apart, we were almost as fraternal as you could get.

The accident happened so fast I don't think I could even tell about it in exact detail. All I remember was that my sister and I were again walking home from ballet class, (which was like three blocks from the brownstone), when we crossed the street holding hands like Mom told us to do, and all the sudden this car ran a red light, knocking me down and making everything go black. I woke up in Mt. Sinai, the hospital where Mom and Dad worked at, on what I think was the day after the actual accident. The driver had apparently been drunk and, after hitting us, (Rinny full on, me shielded by her body), he eventually ran into a telephone pole and died on impact, just like my Rinny. Having only suffered a concussion, broken arm, and some serious bruising, I was clear to go home within a couple of days. Still, I will never forget when Daddy came and sat next to me in my hospital bed a short while after I woke up, with red-rimmed eyes and told me that my sister, my beloved Rinny, my best friend, had died in the accident. Mom couldn't even look up at us when he told me – I don't think she even said a word that entire day, except for thanking God for not taking her other baby too.

The funeral was especially awful. Our family and friends came from all over to pay their respects and say a few words about Rinny. I sat on my Grandma Carolyn's lap throughout the entire service, tears constantly running down both of our cheeks. Our Priest, Father Mike, asked me if I wanted to say a few words for my sister; I had said yes and went up to the podium in the big cathedral we went to every Sunday morning for Mass, but once I got up there I started crying so hard I had to be carried off almost instantly. I don't know, there was something so final about going up there and seeing the coffin up close, my little six-year-old mind, heart, and soul just couldn't handle it. Hell, I don't know if I'd even be able to handle it now. I remember looking into Mom's eyes that day, they just seemed so dead, like a light went out and she wished she were dead too. There would be some days after the funeral where she would pull me into her lap, stroke my hair, kiss my temple, and tell me never to forget how much she loved me. But there would be other days where it would be a strain for her to even look at me, because despite our differences in appearance, Rinny and I were a part of each other. Where she went, I followed, and vice versa. Mom couldn't even think about my birth without having to think about Rinny's too, which now when I think about it must have been unspeakably difficult for her. I wanted so badly to make her and Dad feel better after Rinny died, and I did what I could with lots of "I love you's" and hugs, but if that didn't even make me feel better, who knows how much it really helped them.

The months after Rinny died were when my family fell apart for the first time. Dad took to his work, booking surgery after surgery, anything to numb the pain of losing his beloved baby girl. I think there was one time when Mom and I went for a week straight without seeing him, and I missed him more than I ever thought possible. I even tried to run away to the hospital one night during the middle of the night…although I only made it to the front door before chickening out. Mom on the other hand took to staying home, essentially turning into a shell. All the months when Dad was trying to heal himself with work, she was trying to heal herself by surrounding herself with memories of Rinny. I don't know which one worked better, all I know is that the year following her death was the absolute worst for the Shepherd family. We all wondered, why did she have to die? Why did this have to happen to her, to us? We were happy, so happy, and I actually learned a few years ago that Mom and Dad were even trying for another baby, up until the accident of course. We could have been so very happy, if only one man decided not to drink one Tuesday afternoon.

I often like to think nowadays that if Rinny were still alive, she would be the one person who knew absolutely everything about me. That's the way it was when we were little, why would it change? Of course I have my best friends from school whom I love dearly, Hannah, Bella, and Megan, but they aren't my sisters; they aren't Rinny. No, Rinny would know everything. She would know about the time when I cried myself to sleep because no boy asked me to the freshman homecoming dance, she would know about my dream to play soccer for Stanford University (the top Women's Division 1 team in the country), she would know about the complete fucking shit-pile of a mess that was the ending of my relationship with my most recent ex, Logan, and she would know about my abortion.

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**Chapter 3 to come soon :) Get ready for Addison's POV.**


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Here's chapter 3, and my first attempt at Addison's POV. Let me tell you, it's a lot harder to write from the POV of a 39-year-old than it is from a 16-year-old. haha. Anyway, enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything, except for Laurie. And the mentioning of Planned Parenthood at the end, that is a real address, but I have no affiliations with them either.**

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**Chapter 3**

**Addison's POV**

I had done it. I knew, right after Derek left and I slumped down on the stairs that he was gone and I had done it. Ironically, after all of my attempts to hold our small family together, I had been the one to destroy it. If I thought of all of the ways in which this family could fall apart, my sleeping with Mark was never at the top of the list. Instead I would think about all of the late nights Derek spent at work, all of Laurie's soccer games he missed, and all of the heavy baggage that made up our past that sometimes came out and created a monster out of both of us. Yet, while each of those factors played a part in what I did, they were unfortunately not the catalyst behind the shattering of our "happy home;" I was. I remember seeing the looks in both Derek's and Laurie's eyes the night that it happened. Honestly, I had forgotten that our daughter was even in the house and awake, because I had been too focused on begging my husband to forgive me, and to give me a chance to show how sorry I really was, and still am.

I don't want to be one of those women who claims to only be sorry because she got caught – that's not who I am and that's not how I feel. Rather, I am sorry because of the look in my husband's eyes, the look of hurt, betrayal, and complete heartbreak. I am sorry because I was not able to convey with Derek beforehand the amount of heartache I had been feeling because of the downward spiral that became our marriage. I am sorry that Mark just so happened to be there when I needed to remember what it felt like to be held, to feel protected. But all of my sorrys will remain unheard, because no matter how the story is spun, I will always be the villain, the wicked witch who, completely disregarding her family, put her own needs and feelings ahead of the entire world and did something unforgivable. The hurt that I felt leading up to that night will become irrelevant, because either people won't want to hear about it, or in the end they will tell me that no matter how I felt, again there is no forgiving me – the adulterer – especially given who I had committed adultery _with_.

I like to think that somehow I had been able to shield Laurie from the problems that became increasingly apparent in our marriage, but at the same time I knew she was not that naïve. My daughter, being as kind and sensitive as she is, would not be able to come home every day and ignore the sad and indifference that was slowly swallowing up the two people she lived with and loved. As I sat there on the bottom step that night, unable to control my shaking and the shock that was eating away at my heart, the small sound of her voice startled me.

"Mommy?" She asked.

Mommy. It had been a while since she last called me that, and it makes me remember her as a little kid; how she forced herself into growing up much earlier than she should have after the death of her sister, my sweet little Rinny, in her attempts to take care of Derek and me when we could barely keep it together. I immediately started apologizing to her too, my heart breaking even further when I realize the toll hearing Derek and I just now must have taken on her.

"Laurie," I try, "I'm so sorry, oh baby I am so, so sorry."

She shushes me, sitting down next to me on the step and wrapping her arms around me.

"Not right now," she said, "let's just get you upstairs and cleaned up. Everything's going to be alright." I don't think I've ever loved my child more than I did at that moment, because even though she knew that everything was _not_ okay, she put on a big girl face and helped me clean up the mess that I had created.

Now, it had been over a month since Derek walked out our front door. Apparently the whole "I'll get my clothes in the morning" bit was a lie, or an evasion of having to stand there and tell me he was never coming back to our house, because I have not seen or heard from my husband since, and neither has Laurie. It breaks my heart to think of her in this situation because of me, so I put on the best front that I can, to let her know that although things are bad, we will be okay. I just hope she believes me.

I've spent quite a bit of time looking at the picture in the hallway lately, the picture that serves as a light to my darkness, a beacon of hope to my heart. In the picture, taken on a vacation to visit our good friends Naomi and Sam Bennett in Los Angeles, my husband and I are holding our two girls when they were around four. Two years before the accident. We're standing along the beach, bare feet in the water, each of us carrying a twin piggy-back, and all of us laughing like we had not a worry in the world. If only things were still that simple – Derek and I together and happy, Laurie not feeling like she needs to grow up so fast, and Rinny still alive. I can sense someone watching me from the end of the hallway after several minutes of daydreaming, and before I can ask her what she's doing home so early, I remember that today was supposed to be Laurie's last day of her sophomore year of high school – it's a given that she'd be home earlier.

"Oh hi," I look at her, a little caught off guard, "I didn't realize anyone was here."

"Yeah," she eventually walks up to me and gives me a small hug, "since it was the last day we got out a couple hours early, you know, to give everyone time to scribble on yearbooks, celebrate, and run around like chickens with their heads cut off," she jokes. While she doesn't give much energy into talking these days, I figure at least she's not giving me the cold shoulder and shutting me out completely, which honestly I wouldn't blame her for if she did.

"Well didn't you want to stick around with Han? I know you two always try to plan something on the last day of school…it's summer vacation!" I nudge her shoulder and put an arm around her, trying to give her some enthusiasm, since these past few weeks haven't exactly been easy or fun for either one of us. Also I can tell that she really wishes Derek was here, today especially.

She looks at me and shrugs.

"I don't know, Han and Bella planned some stuff for this afternoon and later tonight, but I'm kind of tired, I think I just want to go lie down for a while. I might go out later, if Bella's parents let her have a group over tonight." Laurie walks past me before I can respond, puts her school bag down on the floor of her room and starts to unpack it, sitting at her desk.

"Are you feeling okay, honey?" I frown, following her in and placing a hand on her forehead.

"Yeah Mom I'm fine," she responds quickly, returning to her bag and sticking some used notebooks in a desk drawer. "Like I said, I'm just tired."

I sigh, walking over to sit on the edge of her bed. "Laurie, you've been 'tired' every day for the past two weeks and you say you're not sick, now I know you're hurting and I am so, so sorry baby, but you cannot just shut out your best friends when you –"

She interrupts me. "I am not _shutting out_ my friends Mom! I just said I might go out later but right now, _I am tired_." I can hear the annoyance in her voice and for some reason it really gets to me.

"Whoa whoa, watch the tone young lady; I just don't want you to make the mistake of missing out on opportunities with your friends while you still have time. I know you miss your dad but –"

"Okay Mom, no offense but you're really not in a good position to tell me not to make a 'mistake' right now," she interrupts me again, and I can sense a fight coming on that I really don't want to have. "And as for Dad, yeah I miss him! I miss him _a lot_, _all the time_. But because of you he can't seem to bring himself to come back to me, come back to us."

There it is. The blame I've been waiting for.

"I've been trying my very hardest not to be upset with you Mom, because I love you and no matter what you did to Dad, or what he did to you, that shouldn't have anything to do with your relationships with me, but this…" she continues, raising her voice, "this I don't know how to handle right now, because it _does_ affect me. A lot. I want my father back, I want to know where he is, I want Uncle Mark to stop showing up here every other hour, and I just…I want you to _stop_ telling me how I should be handling this! And to stop acting like everything is fan-freaking-tastic, because it's NOT!"

I can see the tears welling up in her eyes only slightly before I feel my own start to prickle.

"Laurie, Mark only comes over because believe it or not, despite everything that happened, he still cares about you…about us. And I know, I know I shouldn't be saying that but it's true, honey it's true!"

"Do you even want Dad to come back?!" She spits at me, suddenly.

I sit there, my mouth suddenly agape.

"Don't you think if I knew where your father was or how to reach him I would be trying?!" I yell, "you may not think that I have a right to miss him, or maybe you do…"

"I think you have a right to miss him…" she admits in a whisper.

"Well then what? What else do you want me to do?!" I yell at her, "I made a mistake, probably the worst mistake of my life, but I can't take it back, Laurie, I can't. It happened, and I am sorry, I am more sorry than you or your Dad could ever imagine, but what can I do now? He doesn't seem to want anything to do with me; he's deactivated his cell phone, he's left all of his belongings here besides his car…I don't know where he is or if he's coming back!"

By this point I am getting really worked up. I don't want to fight with my daughter, especially when we're both having such a hard time, but I just can't stop. I want…I _need_ her to know that if I could physically move mountains to make things better for us, for her, I would.

After taking a few breaths, I try again. "Lauren. Laurie look at me; I want us to be okay. In a perfect world, we would be exactly like that happy family in the picture in the hallway, but that's not how things worked out. I miss your dad, and I miss Rinny, oh I miss Rinny every day of my life, but right now we need to make the best with what we have, and what we can do. Okay?"

"Whatever Mom, I really don't want to fight about this anymore," Laurie says to me. "It's fine. Can you just leave me alone for a little while, please?"

I stand up, defeated. "Fine," I say, and she tilts her head up to look at me, "we will talk more about this later. I love you; you have to know that I'll always love you, but you also have to know that I'm still your mother and I will not be putting up with you talking to me like –"

Suddenly my eye catches something sitting in one of Laurie's desk drawers that she left slightly open, right underneath some notebooks and her little cardinal red-and-white Stanford piggy bank that Derek got her while on a business trip to San Francisco. It's a bright yellow packet of very formal looking papers. I figure – at least I hope – that were they something serious, Laurie would have come to me about it, but then again, given how secluded we've both been lately, anything is possible. However, regardless of the seclusion, there's something about the formality of these papers that make me not want to let this go. I walk over to the desk and pick up the papers.

"Laurie, what…?" I start to ask, immediately feeling the panic in her big blue eyes looking at me, but then I read the label at the top left corner of the page.

**Planned Parenthood of Southern New England, Inc.**

**Abortion Clinic**

**345 Whitney Ave.**

**New Haven, CT 06511**

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**So Addison found out! How do you think she will react? Chapter 4 to come soon :)**


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: Aaaaand here's Addison's reaction. Enjoy! Oh, and thank you all soooo much for all of the wonderful reviews! They make me smile for miles :) :)**

**Warning: The middle of this chapter will be rated M.**

**Disclaimer: Once again, Laurie is the only thing I own, and all of her friends of course.**

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**Chapter 4**

**Lauren's POV**

My panic starts to set in as soon as I realize that Mom's spotted the Planned Parenthood papers. I had them hidden pretty well in that drawer for over a month now, and right when she decides to settle in my room and lecture me about how I'm "shutting out" my friends, I forget to shut it all the way. Stupid, stupid, stupid! I had opened the drawer to empty out some used notebooks from my school bag, and for some reason I neglected to shut it all the way. Time seems to go in slow motion as Mom stops mid-sentence and walks over to the desk.

"Laurie, what…?" She starts to ask, before I see her read the label on the page.

"Mom, listen –" I start.

"LAUREN MAUREEN MONTGOMERY SHEPHERD! What did you do?! What were you thinking?!" She immediately starts shouting at me.

Well, I think it's pretty obvious what I _did_, but I wouldn't dare say that out loud right now.

"ANSWER ME!" She yells again, "what…I don't…_what_ were you thinking? When did you do this?"

I want to shout at her to let me get a freaking word in, but I don't say that out loud either. Instead I start off small.

"Remember when I went up to Connecticut for that camping trip with Han and Logan and some other kids from school about a month ago?" I say quietly.

"THAT'S when you had s –"

"NO!" I interrupt her, getting frustrated. "_That's_ when I did…you know, that." I point at the papers. "We stopped at the clinic in New Haven. I had…you know…last March." I'm feeling slightly embarrassed for myself at this point, I can't even say the word sex in front of her, not in this context.

I can tell that she's having a tough time processing this, the fact that her only child cashed in her V-card so to speak at such a young age. And then there's the fact that I didn't tell her, and that I was with all these people from school, a handful of whom she knows pretty well, and none of them bothered to tell her about it either. Good thing too.

Given that Mom makes her living by being an OB/GYN (among other specialties), you can imagine that her and I have had more than a few conversations about sex, how to be safe, and, most importantly to her, how to abstain until an age when I am emotionally ready to take the step. Despite how angry she is right now, and how angry that in turn is making me, I can tell that she's worried too because she doesn't I was old enough, or emotionally ready to take the step. Honestly, I don't even know if I was ready either, it's just, I could tell Logan was ready and he wouldn't stop talking about it until I agreed to try, and then there was the night it happened…

"So who was it with?! Who would you – oh…oh! It was with Logan wasn't it?!" She asks pointedly, crossing her arms.

I can feel her stare almost burning a hole right through my forehead. I know she already knows that it was Logan, she's just wants to hear the answers from me, answers that I don't want to give and that I'm not even certain I want to talk about yet. She wants me to tell her all about Logan and me – how long we'd waited after we got together, how many times we'd done it, if he even knew about the abortion, and finally, who initiated the actual act.

"Yes Mom it was with Logan! How many guys do you think I've dated recently?!"

"Well...I don't know! But I thought I raised you to know better than to do something like this!" She shouts at me.

"To do what?" I question back at her, "have an abortion, or have sex without coming to you first and talking about every little detail for three hours?!"

"Well of course I would have liked you to come to me first, since you're not even…Laurie you're not even an adult yet!"

"Mom I'm not exactly a child either! I can make my own decisions!" Really though, can I? In my head, I'm not so sure.

**Flashback: 3 months ago**

"Logan…Logan, wait, maybe…maybe we shouldn't do this yet." I push him away slightly as we're lying horizontal on my bed, him on top of me and kissing my neck. This is one of the perks I guess you could say of being a teenager with two surgeons for parents; while they raise you to get a good education and try your hardest in school (which I do), there are some nights where they both work late, leaving you more freedom than you probably need at the age of 16.

"Oh come on babe, we've talked about this, we're ready," he coaxes me, "we've been together almost a year now, it's been a long enough wait, don't you think?"

No, I don't think. Apparently unlike him I didn't get into a relationship based on how badly I needed to have sex. I can smell the booze on his breath, since we've both been drinking a little bit, you know, just to take the edge off. My parents have a large enough liquor cabinet not to notice when a little bit goes missing. I ignore that last question and try again.

"Well I mean I do like you a lot, and I want to be with you." That part was true, not only was Logan captain of the boys' soccer team, but he and I were both in our school's National Honor Society together, and I knew he spent a lot of his free time tutoring kids in the learning center. He wasn't exactly what you'd call a hooligan, but when it came to relationships, he had needs, needs that were up to me to fulfill. Although he was a grade ahead of me, before we really got into a relationship, he was one of my best friends; he knew about a lot of stuff that went on in my life with my parents, and he knew all about Rinny. I did want to be with him, I just wasn't sure I wanted to be _with_ him just yet, if that makes any sense.

"So then…what's the problem?" He asks, returning his lips to my neck.

"I just…this doesn't feel right yet…waiting might be –"

"Laurie, we've waited long enough. I want you, you want me, let's just do it." By this point he's already reaching down to grab a condom out of his pocket, since I wasn't on the pill.

I think to myself, maybe this won't be so bad, maybe I am ready. I've known Logan for a long time now, so any insecurity I feel must be my problem, right? _Wrong! You're not ready to do this!_ I can hear my conscience telling me. However, the fact that Logan's now feeling his way around my breasts is slightly distracting. I wrap my arms back around his neck. What the hell. Before I know it, his clothes are coming off and he's unbuttoning my shirt, unzipping my jeans. I can already feel him hard against my inner thigh. Once all clothes are shed and strewn around the bed, he's moving inside me; I wince slightly as he begins to thrust harder, telling me how "good I feel," and then whispering in my ear to never make him wait again.

**2 months later**

"Oh my ever-loving –" I can't even form the correct wording as I sit on my bathroom floor, staring at the little pink plus sign. "Some condom that was," I say to myself. Tears start to form in my eyes; I'm pregnant. I am 16 years old and pregnant. No, no this was not supposed to happen, I didn't even really want to _have sex_, let alone have a baby! Up until this point I had been in complete denial that I could be anything close to pregnant; yeah I missed one period, but I'm a soccer player! I work out all the time, so I don't always have a period every month, it happens. I had blamed the early-morning vomit sessions on a bug that must be going around school. No, there was just no way I could be pregnant.

Wrong. So now what? Do I tell Logan? What would he say? Would he even want to be a dad? Of course not, he's a junior in high school with college prospects who just wanted to get laid one night. I know right away that while I do eventually want to be a mom, in no way do I want to do it at 16. I want to have a life – I want to go to Stanford! Lucky for me, given who my mother is, I have heard a lot about patients needing abortions since she is a doctor certified to do it, so in our household it's not exactly a taboo subject. I don't know if this makes me a bad person or not, but abortion is almost the first thing that comes to my mind as I continue to stare at the little plus sign. I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that I am _not_ ready to be a mother right now, and I sure as hell know that my parents are not ready to be grandparents.

Oh dammit. _My parents_. What do I do about my parents? Do I tell them? I don't even know how they will react although I have a feeling it won't be well. Dad had always been weird when it came to talking to me about boys, Logan especially. Again, I think this is where the whole "only living child" thing comes into play. He can be overprotective at times. I knew Dad might be really upset if I told him about this. And if I told Mom, she would definitely tell Dad, no matter how upset (or not upset) she was with me. I don't actually think I would be comfortable asking her to keep a secret like this from him anyway, even if she wanted to – their marriage is bad enough without my added baggage. No, there's no way I can tell my parents. I need to take care of this on my own.

Eventually, taking care of it on my own turned into telling my three best friends, and having them help me. Of course, I first made them swear on their lives not to tell _anyone_ about this.

"Okay," Hannah says as we all walk home from school one day, "I have the perfect plan of how to take care of this, so to speak."

"Go on," I tell her.

"Well you know how we're going on that camping trip to Connecticut this weekend?" She asks.

"Yeah…"

"I was just thinking – and I know you said you didn't want to tell Logan, so don't panic yet – that when we go up there, we could take my car separately and stop in New Haven, which is right on the way. We can split from the group for a little while, go to Planned Parenthood and you know…take care of it." She waves her arms around a little bit for emphasis.

I have to admit, as nervous as this plan makes me, it's not that bad. Besides, what else am I going to do? If I wait too much longer it'll be too late and I'll start to show, meaning I'd have to tell everyone, including Mom, Dad, and Logan. Oh yeah, and then there's the scary thought of actually having to give birth in seven months. No, this plan was my only shot.

"Fine," I tell her, "let's do it."

**Present day**

"I _am_ capable of making my own decisions!" I yell again at Mom, trying to convince myself as much as her.

"Well apparently since _this_ happened," she waves the papers around emphatically, "one thing you're _not_ capable of is SAYING NO!"

That does it; I can feel my tears start to fall.

"Mom, please –" I try, choking on my words.

"And to think," she carries on, "to _think_ that Logan knew about this too, and he didn't even bother to tell me either! And I don't give a damn that you're broken up now; he still could have said something!"

"No, Mom Logan didn't kn –" But she doesn't let me finish.

"It would just be nice if one person, _one person_, would tell me that my 16 year old daughter has turned into a SLUT!"

I feel like someone literally just punched me in the stomach, did my own mother, who has always trusted me and called me "such a good kid," just call me a slut, without letting me explain that I didn't even know if I wanted to have sex or not?! Never mind the fact that that's the _only_ time I've ever had sex before, and that Logan _broke up_ with me because I refused to have sex with him again, which let me tell you, did wonders for my self-esteem. Yeah okay, I told her ours was a mutual break up because we "just didn't want the same things anymore," but still! She didn't even let me explain…_anything_! I stand up from my desk and open my mouth to speak.

"You know what," she cuts me off with her hand, "don't even say anything. You are grounded until I say otherwise. I need to go…I just need to go sort this out, and don't even think about leaving this house tonight." And with that she walks out of my room in a huff. I can hear her muttering as she heads down the hall, putting great emphasis on words like "irresponsible," and "birth control." Perfect.

I think out of all the nasty fights Mom and I have had, that one takes the cake. She was so angry and worried, to the point where pretty much all worry came out as anger. Aside from feeling completely beaten down and emotionally exhausted, I am at least a little bit grateful for my decision not to go to her while I was still pregnant; who knows how that would have turned out. I walk over and plop down on my bed. Lying there staring at the ceiling, I think about a lot of things: Logan, my pregnancy, the abortion, and finally, my dad. What would he have said if here were here today? Would he have reacted as badly as Mom did, or would he have at least let me get a word in? I remember thinking earlier that he would be upset, because I'm his only little girl, his little Buddy, but I hope to God he wouldn't be that upset – I don't think I could handle him calling me a slut too. After what feels like hours, I get up from my bed and glance at my phone (which Mom miraculously hadn't taken from me yet); two texts from Han, one from Megan, and a couple from some classmates in my AP World History class I was supposed to go to the Yankees/Red Sox game with this coming weekend. I text them all back with the same response:

"_Hey, sorry I can't hang out right now, I got grounded this afternoon. I'll explain later_."

But then I send a second message to Han and Megan:

"_My mom found out about Logan, the baby, the abortion, the whole nine yards. She found some papers from the clinic in my desk drawer. Long story short, she's furious, and doesn't want to listen to any of my explanations right now. I'll let you guys know when things calm down a little bit around here – that is, if my mom doesn't take my phone first. Thanks for everything, I love you guys. Thank Bella for me too, and let her know what's going on. I'll ttyl._"

Throwing my phone back onto my bed, I walk over and poke my head out into the hallway. I figure, the longer I can avoid Mom, the better. I really don't want to see her right now, but since she's essentially quarantined me inside the house, how much choice do I have? I look down the hall towards her bedroom; apparently she's shut herself in for a while, probably contemplating how much of a screw up I am. Although I would like to think she's conjuring up a way to apologize, my mother is as stubborn as they come, a trait I unfortunately inherited from her, so I don't think an apology is in the cards anytime soon. Suddenly, I hear the landline phone ring downstairs. I hurry down, but don't catch it in time; I hear the answering machine play:

"_Hello Addie, are you there? Hello? Okay well this is Dr. Richard Webber, do you remember me? From Seattle Grace Hospital?_"

Richard Webber, I think to myself, that name sounds really familiar. I don't remember ever having been to Seattle, even when Rinny and I were little, but he must have been a close friend of Mom and Dad's at some point, for his name to sound so familiar. The answering machine continues:

"_I was hoping I could catch you today, I know it's been a long time, but I needed to speak with you. First of all, there is a patient, a woman, who was just admitted to Seattle Grace a couple of hours ago. She's pregnant with twins, with a severe case of TTTS. I realize you're very busy with your practice in New York, but you are the best, and I believe this patient would benefit greatly from your care and expertise, especially with such a high-profile case. As you know, she will need in-utero surgery, and you're one of the best. If you could let me know your availability to take on this case, I would greatly appreciate it._"

By this point, I am sitting there twiddling my thumbs. As fascinating as I find most aspects of science, having grown up with Mom and Dad, the talk of surgery gets old after a while (especially when people drone on about it like Dr. Webber seemed to be doing…). I realize I should go up and either hand the phone to Mom or tell her that this Richard Webber called, but again there's the stubborn gene, and I really don't want to talk to her right now; she doesn't get any favors from me. I hear Dr. Webber take a deep breath and continue:

"_And Addie…there's one more thing. It's Derek._"

My ears perk up at this. _Daddy_.

"_He's here Addie. He's been here for a few weeks now, and I wanted to let you know he's settled. He came to me here in Seattle, inquired about that Head of Neuro position I had been seeking to fill, and I gave him the job; of course with his expertise and skill I would be a fool not to. Now, I didn't pry about your marital status or personal life because that's not my job as his boss…_"

I've stopped listening at this point. My dad is in Seattle with this Richard Webber; he took a job at a hospital as Head of Neuro. Wow, my dad is _Head of Neuro_. For some reason, I completely ignore the fact that he's probably left New York for good, and who knows if he would have contacted me anytime soon, I am just so focused on finally, _finally_, knowing where he is. I run back upstairs to my room to think. Unfortunately I leave just a little bit too soon and miss the end of Dr. Webber's message; the answering machine continues further:

"_But Addie, you should know. Derek, he's…he's seeing someone, Addie. An intern…he's seeing an intern_."

As soon as I get to my room, I fling out my camping backpack, one that clips a sleeping bag to the bottom, and my school bag and throw them on the bed. I start to pack everything I think I'll need, including my old teddy bear Winston given to me by Mom and Dad for my third birthday, although I'll admit it's now I wish I could own a bag like Mary Poppins'. I have to go to Seattle to be with my dad. I know he's still broken, he has to be. Why else would he just leave without a word and not try to contact me? He's still in pain, and I need to help him.

But now, I'm in pain too. Mom found out about the sex, the baby, and the abortion, and she called me a slut. I'm sorry if my "promiscuity" is shameful to her, but so much for having a parent who is always on my side, always there for me. She doesn't need me right now, she _needs_ me out of her hair – the "whorish" daughter who fucked the hot boy at school and got herself pregnant. Yep, that's me. Well Mom, you can figure all of that out on your own because I am leaving. I don't know how yet exactly, but I am leaving. I am going to my father, to fix my family and to fix myself.

After getting all of my stuff together, I turn my phone off and shove it in the bottom of my bag, along with the charger. I quietly head downstairs and pack a water bottle and as much food as I have space for before heading out. Something catches my eye first however - the answering machine. I realize that the message Dr. Webber had left was still on there; should I leave it for Mom to hear, or not? Impulsively I walk over to the machine and hit the delete button.

"Message deleted," the robotic voice informs me. And with that I'm out the door, beginning my journey to Seattle.

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**And she's off. How she decides to leave though, still to be determined. Chapter 5 to come soon, where you'll get to take another tour inside the mind of (Mommy) Addison. Reviews are always, always welcomed :)**


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: Alright, here's chapter 5 for you all. I have to admit, I'm getting pretty addicted to writing this story :)**

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything, and I still don't have any affiliations with Planned Parenthood.**

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**Chapter 5**

**Addison's POV**

I paced around the house for what felt like hours before I finally decided to settle in my bedroom and try to calm down. I am exhausted, and not because I did a lot of physical activity, but because ever since discovering Laurie's…incident…my mind just cannot stop spinning. So my daughter, my only little girl, lost her virginity at 16. She's 16 years old, and she's no longer a virgin. That in and of itself is a huge complication; she wasn't ready to take this step! Not only is she legally still a _child_, but emotionally, she's just not there yet. Right? I mean, what was she thinking?! My first answer to that question will be what I said aloud to her not two hours ago – she wasn't thinking! I lie down on my bed and stare at the ceiling. After a few minutes I pull up the bright yellow Planned Parenthood papers I had taken from Laurie's desk. I figure if she did this, I might as well make sure she got it done right, the doctor in me starting to come out.

I slowly flipped through the papers, taking note of every single little detail. So far nothing too greatly out of the ordinary – proper use of suction, no abnormal blood loss, etc etc. I know from a lot of my patients how great Planned Parenthood can be, very thorough. Even Laurie managed to fill out the patient paperwork and records correctly, not missing a step. Still, I make a mental note to try and do another follow up exam on her; that is if she'll even let me touch her any time soon.

The longer I lie here reading over this packet, my anger transforms to worry, and then to sorrow. As an OB/GYN certified to perform abortions, I have witnessed hundreds of women on that side of the exam room, and reactions ranging from relief to guilt to complete sadness and regret. I however am not a woman who has experienced that side of the exam room, so while I can sympathize with my patients, no matter how hard I try I have never really been able to say that I can empathize. Having been married to Derek for the majority of my adult life, the emotions I experienced while pregnant with his babies were relatively normal for a happy couple: initial shock, then excitement and joy. So while I do my best to empathize with my patients exercising their right to choose, I've never known what it feels like to not want my baby, my babies.

I turn my head to the right and look at the small pictures on my nightstand. There are three: one of Derek and me on our wedding day, and the other two each of one of my twins as a baby. I sit up, picking up the picture of Laurie and staring at it for a good while. I can feel my mind start to reel again, in all different directions.

"My baby had an abortion," I say aloud to myself, quietly.

That's just it – my _baby_, my _daughter_. While I spent all that time lecturing and shouting at her, she is my _daughter_, and despite how irresponsible she might have been, she needed me and I wasn't there for her. In the midst of my thoughts I hear the phone ringing downstairs. I let the answering machine get it, since I'm in no mood to talk to anyone right now. Apparently neither is Laurie because I hear the phone ring all the way through to the end. Whoever it was that called, I'll get to it later.

My mind returns to Laurie's abortion, what she must have been feeling that day as she lie in that chair with her legs in the stirrups nearly breaks my heart. An abortion for anyone, no matter how much they don't want their baby, is never an easy course to take. Obviously at 16 she isn't ready to be a mother, yet the thing that I failed to give her credit for was the fact that she knew that too. In reality she could have just done what thousands of teens in America do these days – keep their babies and raise them, no matter the toll it takes on them, their parents, and most of all, the kids. While Laurie may not have made the responsible decision to abstain in the first place, she did make the responsible decision by realizing that she wasn't ready to have a baby. I had spent so much time yelling and screaming at her and not letting her speak that I didn't even realize I was going back on my word as a parent.

Years ago I gave Laurie my word that I would always be on her side, and always be there for her no matter what. I'll bet she thinks I completely just blew that out of the water today, I mean, I called her a slut for God's sake. What kind of a mother says that to her daughter? Not the type I want to be, that's for certain. I don't know why I got so upset with her about it all of the sudden, I guess it was just a combination of the past few weeks (or months actually if you count before my night with Mark) with Derek, the indescribable guilt I've been feeling over him and Laurie too, and the sadness I feel every time I look into my daughter's eyes, her father's, and realize how much she misses him. Once the huge issue came up of Laurie having sex and needing an abortion, all of my pent up stress came out, except at the wrong issue. There's really no other way to spin this – I need to apologize to Laurie and actually let her talk to me, let her know that I'm here, for whatever she needs.

I set the baby picture back down on the nightstand, along with the papers, and make my way out of my bedroom. As I walk down the hall I notice Laurie's door is closed. I stop and knock.

"Laurie? Honey? Can we talk?" I try as calmly as possible.

No answer. I knock again.

"Laurie? Look…I know you're upset and I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said some of the things that I did. But can we…can we just talk about it now honey, please? I'm here for you, for whatever you need."

Still no answer. I frown and decide that maybe my best option would be to just let myself in; maybe she just fell asleep. I open her door slowly, not wanting to wake her if she did. But when I let myself in I notice that my daughter is not asleep, she is gone from her bedroom.

"Laurie?" I ask, wandering around.

After a couple of seconds I leave her room to search around the rest of the house. No matter how angry she was, it's not like Laurie to go against my rules, so unlike a lot of parents of teenagers, my first thought wasn't that she snuck out. I try her bathroom, the guest room, mine and Derek's office, no luck. I head downstairs, calling her name as I enter the foyer. Since it's getting to be dusk outside, the living room is dark, but everything remains to be untouched. Same goes for the kitchen, the utility room, the sitting room, and even the basement. The latter surprises me a little bit, since the basement is where Derek and I leave a lot of our old medical school textbooks, and sometimes when Laurie is stressed or needs to cool down she will go down there and read them.

"A chip off the old block," Derek used to say, and I would always retort with "yeah well that will change once she actually goes to medical school." But neither of us really wanted to think that far ahead yet.

I start to worry a little bit as I go back upstairs and check her room again, for any sign that she may have left the house, and if she did how far she went. I notice that Winston, her teddy bear that Derek and I gave her for her third birthday, is missing from beside her pillow, which still sits in its place. I also notice that her school bag, the one she put down next to her desk, is missing as well. Okay, maybe she just went over to Hannah's house; I really don't wanting to jump to drastic conclusions just yet. I take out my phone and call her. The call goes straight to voicemail. Her phone is off.

"_Hi, it's Laurie, sorry I missed your call, just leave me a message and I'll get back to you as soon as I can!_"

My daughter's bubbly voice fills my phone receiver as I think of what exactly I should say to her.

"Laurie, it's Mom." I start. "I know you know I told you not to leave the house tonight and yet you left anyway, but don't think me calling you now is to get upset about that. I know you were upset earlier and I…I should have listened to you better before flying off the handle and I'm sorry. You need to come home when you get this, you and I still need to talk and I really would like to apologize to you. Please just come home honey." I pause, ending the message with a quiet "bye."

I really hope she won't find the message as coming off too hard, since she and I have never exactly had the mother/daughter relationship where I have to lecture and discipline her all the time. Typically she's smart enough to know right from wrong without me having to chide her. As much as I don't like to just say that she and I are "friends," because we're obviously more than that, it's the truth. She and I are best friends first and mother and daughter second, and while most parents (including my own) would frown upon that kind of "parenting style," it's just the way we are. We take care of each other. Suddenly, another pang of guilt hits me as I realize that I completely threw the best friend card out the window, and allowed my Mom card to come out full throttle, and mean. No wonder she's shying away right now.

After about 20 or so minutes have passed and still no call back from Laurie, I decide to call her best friends' houses, the three places I would think to check first, before our family and her various soccer coaches and teammates. I start with Hannah, and her mother picks up the phone.

"Claire hi, it's Addison Shepherd, Laurie's mom."

"Oh hi Addison what can I do for you?" She asks.

"I was just curious if my daughter is over at your house right now? We got into somewhat of a fight earlier, and well, she's not home right now and I wanted to make sure she didn't wander off too far." I cross my fingers hoping Claire will tell me that Laurie is safe and over at the Thompson household.

"I'm sorry Addison but she isn't here. Han's home right now though, I'll go and ask her if she knows anything. I'll be right back."

I stand there and feel my heart beat increase ever so slightly. I'm trying not to panic because one, it hasn't been that long since she left, and two, if Hannah is home at least that doesn't mean the two of them went off and got themselves into trouble.

"Addison, are you still there?" Claire asks. "I'm sorry but Han says she doesn't know where Laurie is right now," I can hear the worry start to build in her voice too; the Thompson household has always been like a second home to Laurie.

"Do you mind if I talk to Hannah?" I ask, trying not to let my breath catch in my throat.

"Sure, I'll go get her."

Seconds later I hear the familiar voice of one of my daughter's best friends. "Hi, Addison?"

"Hi Hannah," I say, "I know your mom said you don't know where Laurie is right now, but is there any chance…I mean do you think maybe she went over to Bella or Megan's house?"

"Well Bella and Megan are actually here with me right now, and I don't think she would have gone over to Bella's house because her parents said no to having any people over tonight. I'm not even sure if they're home right now…oh, Bella said no, her parents aren't home right now. I tried getting ahold of Laurie earlier but the last I heard from her was a text a little while ago saying that she couldn't get together tonight because she was grounded for the…oh, well she was grounded."

"Hannah, it's okay, I know about everything. Right now I just want to find out where my kid is." I reply.

"Is there anything we can do to help, Dr. Shepherd?" Hannah asks, I can tell she's worried too. "I'll keep texting her…do you want us to call the police or something?"

I respond with a "no, no," almost despite my better judgment. "It hasn't been that long yet, just let me search around for a while and if it gets much later I'll call you back, alright?"

"Okay sounds good, and I'll let you know if I hear anything." She says.

"Alright thanks Hannah, oh and hey," I add, "I just wanted to say thanks too, to all of you, for being such good friends to Laurie…she needs people like you in her life for when I..." But I can't finish because I feel myself starting to tear up.

"Hey, Addison, it'll be okay, we'll find her, just give it some time; she probably just needs some time to cool off. Everything will be okay." She tries to console me.

"Thanks, Han. I'll talk to you later."

I let the tears fall down my cheeks. Where was Laurie? Where could she have gone where none of her friends would know about, or go with her? I try calling her again but still no answer. Then suddenly it hits me. I know where she is.

As I walk up the hill to the cemetery where Rinny is buried, after driving the 20 miles to get there, I think of all the things I want to say to Laurie. I just know she has to be here. I can't think of any other place she would go to unwind. Derek was gone and unreachable, her friends hadn't seen her, and she had no means of getting up to Connecticut where our family lived by herself; no, going to Rinny was her only option…right? Although how she got here I don't even want to think about. By now it's been over five hours since I'd last seen my daughter and it's pretty much dark outside; if she wasn't home by now, this is where she would be. I think to myself that as soon as I see her, I'm going to hold her tightly and tell her how sorry I am for not listening to her when I should have, I'm going to listen to her when she confides in me about her ordeal, and I'm going to tell her that everything is going to be okay. But that's just it, everything's not going to be okay, because as soon as I turn the corner to Rinny's grave, I see that, aside for the bouquets of flowers, it's completely deserted.

I walk up to the grave and sink to my knees in front of it. Laurie's not here; she didn't come to Rinny's grave. Now, I have to admit that I have no idea where my baby is, well, my living baby, and to top that off, the last thing the two of us did together was fight. I stare at the engraving on Rinny's tombstone.

_Here lies:_

_Katherine "Rinny" Angela Montgomery Shepherd_

_Dec. 9, 1989 – Apr. 16, 1996_

_~Angel, Daughter, Sister, Friend; Dance up in the skies for us now~_

I open my mouth to talk to my little angel, to tell her to watch over her twin sister, but instead all that comes out is a sound I didn't even know I could make. As the tears fall down my face, I start to sob. For my husband, whom I will never stop loving, for one daughter, who lost her life too soon, and for another, who has now lost her way.

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**Chapter 6 to come soon. I won't give you any hints yet but I'll tell you it was my favorite chapter to write thus far :) Reviews are greatly appreciated!**


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: So like I said before, this chapter was my absolute favorite to write thus far. I don't really know why, I just really love the character of Lauren. I hope you all enjoy! **

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything, except for Laurie and her new friend, Irene Miller. I don't have any affiliations with anything either.**

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**Chapter 6**

**Lauren's POV**

I'll admit, the first place I thought about going after leaving the brownstone was to Rinny's grave. I needed someone to talk to, and even though she's dead, I felt like she was the only one who would truly understand and give me advice without actually saying anything. I knew that she would tell me I was right for wanting to go to Dad and help him, while trying to heal myself in the process. But then I opted out, I really wanted to get started heading west, and I knew that Rinny would always be there for me, no matter where I was. She would serve as a light to my darkness, a beacon of hope to my heart.

I had just over $250 in pocket money since I didn't want to bring my debit card (in case they were traced), and since I worked in the front office of my high school, my job didn't extend into the summer months. I knew that $250 wouldn't buy me a plane ticket across the country, but I hoped it would at least get me a little ways by train. So instead, after I empty out my checking account and drop the card back in my bedroom desk drawer, I make my way downtown, straight to Penn Station.

I decide to take the bus, to spend as little money as possible before I absolutely have to. Once I get to the station, I realize that I'm lucky – while there's nothing that's a straight shot to Seattle, there's a train leaving west for Chicago in exactly one hour from now for $122. That would give me just enough time to buy my ticket before I had to board, which is good because I want to get out of here as soon as possible. I walk up to the customer service desk, and come face to face with a tall, burly looking man with a large Amtrak pin on the front of his shirt. He almost reminds me of those train conductors you see on cartoons, you know the ones who stand on the step of the train and yell "ALLLLL ABOARD!" Or even like Tom Hanks in _The Polar Express_…whichever.

"Can I help you, Miss?" He asks me in a thick Brooklyn accent, sending my Tom Hanks fantasy right out the window.

"Umm…" I start, "I would like to buy a ticket for the next train headed to Chicago…that one." I point to the number of the train on the electronic board behind him.

"You mean the 49 Lake Shore Limited?" He asks.

"Yeah yeah, that one," I respond nervously.

"Alright I'll need to see your ID, and that'll be $126.80 tax included."

I hand over my driver's license, as well as the money needed for the ticket. I cringe at spending so much since I have so little, but what other choice do I have? I can't exactly just walk across the country now can I? It's possible this would be easier if I had my own car, but then again, I probably wouldn't be able to get away with driving myself across the country for very long either. And I'd probably have to sell my internal organs in order to pay for gas, so no, this is better. After recording my information onto the ticket, he hands me back my license, as well as the ticket to sign at the top.

"Now," he says, "don't you lose that ticket, you won't get anywhere without it."

Well no shit.

"Your train will start to board in a half hour and is set to leave in an hour, and your conductor will let you know which car you're staying in. For now you go and wait over by your terminal, terminal B, just right around that corner over there." He points to his left. "You got all that?"

"Yes sir," I respond, and make my way over to the terminal. I'll admit, but only to myself, that I am very nervous, borderline being scared. I mean, this will be the first time in my life that I've ever traveled completely on my own. I've gone on school trips without my parents of course (the most recent being down to Embassy Row in Washington D.C. with my AP World History class last spring break), but those had friends and teachers, so I was never really alone. It's not that I feel like I'm a little kid and can't handle this, I know how to take care of myself, I guess it's just a fear of the unknown, and then there's the fact that neither one of my parents know where I am at the moment. "Well, if I want to turn around and go back home, now is the time," I say to myself quietly. No, no. Going back is not an option. I have to get to Dad, and this is my only way. Besides, Mom probably doesn't want to see or talk to me right now anyway.

As I sit in my terminal, on a whim, I decide to write a letter to Mom and mail it to the brownstone before I leave New York, just so I can have a chance to explain what she wouldn't let me earlier. Luckily, the train station has a drop box for mail right next to the gift shop where they sell stamps, so without wasting any more time, I quickly take out my notebook and pen and begin to write.

_Dear Mom,_

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Twenty minutes later I hear the voice come over the speaker in the large terminal:

"_All passengers waiting to board the 49 Lake Shore Limited,_ _your train has just arrived. Please gather all your belongings and make your way to the boarding line. If you need to check a bag, please do so at the booth to your right. Thank you_."

This is it, I'm really leaving. I get up and make my way to the forming line, since I don't want to check any of my bags. When I get to the front the conductor takes a look at my ticket and driver's license, and then sticks a tag on both of my bags. "Please make your way down to car seven, Miss," he tells me.

"Alright, thank you." I start to shake as I go out and walk down alongside the train. Car seven is the third to last, towards the back. It feels like forever before I finally make it to the door and take my first step onto the train, onto my way to Seattle, to my daddy. I take a deep breath. The train is two stories, so immediately when I step on I'm forced up this narrow winding staircase to my seat. According to my ticket, I'm in seat number 18, which I find, much to my liking, is a window seat. Taking out Winston, I stick my backpack up in the compartment above me and school bag at my feet, then slump down in my seat, cuddling the bear to my chest. I try not to think too much about Mom anymore, and how much she will eventually start to worry, or how much I secretly hope she will worry, instead of just get angrier. I look outside – any moment now it should start getting dark, and this train ride is about 20 hours long, so I shouldn't get into Chicago until tomorrow early evening sometime. Of course, once I get there I will have to figure out my next move, but that's then. I'll need to actually get some sleep first. Interrupting my thoughts, a kind-looking woman with silver hair who looks to be about my Grandma Carolyn's age comes and sits beside me in seat 19.

"Hello," she says to me as she places her handbag underneath her seat. "Well, isn't that an adorable little bear! Looks just like the one I made for my grandson last Christmas."

"Hi, and thanks," I reply. "His name is Winston; my Mom and Dad got him for me for my third birthday."

Crap, I'm thinking about Mom again. I squeeze Winston a little tighter.

"Oh well isn't that sweet?" She replies. "My name is Irene, Irene Miller." She sticks out her hand for me to shake. "I figure since we're going to be sitting next to one another for the next 20 hours, might as well get to know each other a little bit, right? I don't know about you, but I can never seem to sleep very well on trains."

"Lauren Shepherd," I reach out and shake her hand. "But everyone calls me Laurie; nice to meet you. And yeah I know what you mean about not sleeping very well on trains. I once took one from here to Montreal with my dad, and neither one of us slept a wink, they're so bumpy sometimes." Secretly, I really hope I'll be able to break that apparent habit this trip – I can already feel how tired I am.

"Well, it's nice to meet you too Lauren Shepherd. My goodness, you can't be any older than 18…so what brings you to the Lake Shore Limited?" She asks me.

"I'm 16 actually, although a lot of times I wish I was 18," I admit, "I'm on my way to see my dad, in Seattle. He um…he lives there now." Actually saying it out loud for the first time stung a lot more than I thought it would. "What about you?" I ask. "Are you stopping in Chicago?"

At this point the train starts moving. I find myself incredibly grateful that Irene sat next to me, otherwise I might just launch myself into a full-fledged panic attack; at least this way I have someone to distract me.

"Sure am," she responds. "I live in Queens, but every year I take this same train out around the beginning of June. My son and daughter live in Chicago see, and both have three kids each, so I go out to visit every summer. And Seattle, huh? I've got a grandson, Charlie, he's 19, he goes to college out there – Seattle University, it's a small little Catholic school, he's studying Pre-Med something-or-other. Anyway, I think he's going to be driving out there from Chicago not too long from now. Here, here's a picture of him." She pulls out this little wallet-size photo from her purse. I'm not going to lie, in it I see a boy with the most beautiful hazel eyes and wavy brown hair, really, he must hold some kind of record. I'm also impressed that he's going to attempt to drive himself all the way from Chicago to Seattle, that's got to be some other kind of record. "So," she pulls me out of my trance, "is this your first time on this train?"

"Yep, I'm from New York City, well Manhattan, too, but I haven't exactly…traveled west on my own before," I admit sheepishly. "And that's really…_amazing_, I mean um…really cool that your grandson is going to drive himself halfway across the country just for school." I stutter. "I don't think I would have the guts to travel by myself for that long." I'm somewhat embarrassed – did I seriously just become smitten over a picture of a boy, a 19 year old boy for that matter, I don't even know? I really am tired.

"Well dear you _are_ only 16," she says, "one day you'll be ready. Charlie's ready to take the step – he's a good boy and he needs his independence. He's earned it." I nod. "And as for the train," she adds, "honey you're in for a treat, because this train ride is absolutely gorgeous. I hope the sun comes up before we hit Lake Ontario in the morning. On a really clear day you can even see a little bit of Toronto across it when we stop by Rochester."

I smile, hoping I get to see some of this tomorrow morning. After sitting with me for a little while and asking me all sorts of questions about my interests and even where I'd like to go to college (of course I tell her Stanford, for soccer, and to study biochemistry Pre-Med, like her grandson), Irene gets up.

"I think I'm going to wander down to the dining car and get something to drink, you want anything dear?" she asks me.

"Oh no thank you, I think I'm just going to try and rest my eyes a little bit. Who knows, maybe this time I can kick this habit of not being able to sleep on trains," I joke.

"Alright dear, I'll be right back. Sleep well," she gives me a smile.

As she walks off, I lean my head against the window slightly, using Winston as a pillow. It's only gotten dark about an hour ago but I feel exhausted. "Goodnight Mom, goodnight Dad," I say quietly, and with that I'm out. There goes one bad habit.

When I wake up the sun is rising outside – it's Saturday. I think about standing up to pull out my phone from my backpack, but Irene is "resting her eyes" right next to me, and I don't want to wake her just yet. I wonder how many hours we've been traveling, and then mentally pat myself on the back for being able to sleep for as long as I did. I reach down to my school bag underneath my seat and pull out my water bottle, a granola bar, and _Wuthering_ _Heights_,my favorite book, then turn my head to stare out the window, trying to get the best view of the sunrise I can get. I pull out my camera from my school bag and take a picture. I figure, I may not get to travel like this again, so why not take a few snapshots of my journey. I hear the lady on the intercom tell us that we will be arriving in Rochester in about five minutes, so all the passengers planning to get off there should gather all of their belongings. Rochester, I remember, that's where Irene said the lake is prettiest. When we stop I gently nudge her awake.

"Irene?" I try again. "Irene, wake up," I whisper. "We're in Rochester and the sun is rising. I didn't want you to miss the lake."

"Oh thank you honey," she yawns, "I wasn't really sleeping that hard anyway."

We start to move again.

"Ahh now would you look at that?" says Irene, as I take another picture. She's right, I can see a little bit of Toronto, since it's a clear morning. "Beautiful, just beautiful. You know when we stop in Buffalo in another hour or so the conductor stops and lets people out to look around for a little while?"

"Oh really?" I ask. The last time I had been to Buffalo was about six years ago, on a vacation with my Aunt Nancy and cousins to Niagara Falls over the summer.

"Oh yes, and you can get a great view of the Falls for pictures; I noticed you love that little camera of yours," she points to the camera in my right hand.

"Yeah," I respond. "This camera was a present from my Uncle Archer two Christmases ago. I've always loved photography, and I like to document things, to help keep the memories alive. Ever since Rinny…" I start to say that ever since Rinny died, I like to hold as much as I can as close to me as possible. But then I trail off, remembering that I hadn't actually told her about Rinny yet, and I'm not sure if I really want to. I have only known her for a few hours after all.

"Ever since Rinny what…?" She asks. "Who's Rinny?"

Shit. It's not that I want to keep my sister a secret or anything, it's just that sometimes talking about her for the first time to someone can be difficult, like I'm experiencing her death all over again, which makes me miss her even more.

"Rinny's um…Rinny's my twin sister. She," I take a deep breath, "she died, 10 years ago in a car accident. We were both walking and…and we got hit by a drunk driver, who then um, drove himself into a telephone pole and killed himself as well." I can feel a large lump forming in the back of my throat. For some reason, Irene is more of a comforting presence than I thought, and I suddenly feel as though I can open up to her, tears and all, no matter how embarrassing the latter part may be.

Irene immediately places her hand over mine.

"Oh honey," she says, "I know how it feels to lose a sibling at a young age; when I was just 10 my little brother passed away of Leukemia. It's hard, it's really hard, and if you want to talk to me about it, or not, I'll always be here to listen."

I nod in response. By this point tears have started rolling down my cheeks and I'm openly crying. She hands me an embroidered handkerchief that she kept in her pocket. Apparently I'm making noise because a conductor walks by and asks if I'm alright. "She's fine. Just give us a minute," Irene responds for me.

"Here," she hands the cloth to me, "it's alright, shhh, it's alright."

She wraps her arms around me to help calm me down. Honestly, I don't know why I've started crying so hard all of the sudden. Maybe I just had a lot of pent-up feelings about Rinny recently, but I don't really think that's the case. While talking about her does make me emotional sometimes, this time I think a lot of these tears have to do with Dad. With Mom being as fragile as she was over these past few weeks, I didn't really have anyone to turn to when I needed to talk about Dad. I know she would have told me that it's okay to go to her if I needed to talk about Dad, but in reality, I also know that listening to me talk would have slowly killed her on the inside; so I held my tongue as much as I could, except for yesterday of course. As the tears subside and Irene still holds me in her arms, I start to take deep breaths, trying to calm down.

"I'm sorry," I choke out, "you shouldn't have to deal with me like this." I feel bad.

"Oh no, no, don't you worry," she consoles me, "it seems you could use a pal right now."

I sniff and nod a little, my head against her chest. I feel almost as if I'm sitting with my Grandma Carolyn.

"Thank you," I manage.

I guess I don't realize how much time has passed, because not a second later I hear the lady on the intercom come on again and say that we are 20 minutes away from our next stop in Buffalo.

"Hey, you hear that?" Irene asks me in a whisper. "We're almost to Buffalo, you know what that means?"

I sit up slowly and look at her.

"That means that you get to get out and take all kinds of pretty pictures for Rinny, and make all sorts of new memories." She smiles at me and takes my face into her hands, wiping away some stray tears. "You're a good girl, Lauren Shepherd; don't let anyone tell you otherwise, alright?"

"I don't know if I'd go that far, but thank you," I answer.

When the train stops, both Irene and I get off together in search for the perfect view of Niagara Falls. The conductor has warned the passengers, only a 20 minute break. "Oh that's plenty of time!" Irene remarks enthusiastically. I carry Winston around with me the whole time, wanting to make sure he gets a good view as well.

"Oh wow!" I exclaim, as we walk up to the perfect viewpoint. I spot one of those little viewfinder things down the way and immediately think of Mom; one of her favorite things to do in New York is to go atop all the really tall buildings downtown and look out through the "cute little viewfinders." I remember Dad used to poke fun at her for it, saying that if needed, she could find all of the "cute little viewfinders" in every single city in the United States. I swallow the thought and start to take pictures from all angles.

"See, I told you Laurie," Irene perks up behind me, "simply breathtaking."

I focus on the zoom and focus in my camera and take a few more shots before we head back to our seats on the train. I decide that I'm going to use the remainder of our time on this train to basically spill my guts to Irene. Never mind that I've only known her for less than 12 hours, I don't care about that anymore. For the first time in a very long time, I've found someone who wants to listen to me, without any hidden feelings or ulterior motives. As the train moves, I tell her all about Rinny, my mom and dad, Logan, the baby, the abortion, what Mom said to me after the abortion (to which she scoffed, saying "Well! _That_ was no way to handle your child in situation," I try to ignore her and carry on) and the whole time I talk, she listens, all the while telling me what a strong girl I am.

I'll admit I have never really thought of myself as "strong," per se, I just do what needs to be done when it needs to be done, and I help people who need help. That's not being strong, that's being a decent human being, but whatever. Once we finish talking about me, I ask her more about her grandchildren, and why she doesn't just move to Chicago to be with them. She then tells me that Queens has been her home for over 50 years now; it's where she got married, raised her two children, had her career, and then eventually buried her husband, who passed away three years ago of a heart attack. As I listen to this woman talk, I realize that despite our obvious age difference, she and I have more in common than anyone else I know. The both of us have experienced love, loss, and great changes in life.

Before I know it, we've crossed the New York and Pennsylvania state lines and are making our way into Cleveland, Ohio, another major stop. I figure we've got to be pretty much halfway to Chicago by now, which both excites and scares me at the same time. Where was I going to go once I got off the train? Would I have enough money to get another ticket? For the moment I push all of those thoughts towards the back of my mind, and once the train stopped, for the first time this entire trip, I decided to turn on my cell phone. I walk down to the bottom floor towards the common room.

The first thing I notice are the numerous text messages and missed calls from Mom as well as Hannah, Bella, Megan, and a few other people from school. No, in case you were wondering, there wasn't any from Logan. It's not like he'd care if I went "missing" anyway. I take a deep breath and read the first text from Hannah:

"_Hey Laurie, where are you? Your mom is worried sick, and so are we. Just…get back to me when you get this. It's going to be okay, love you._"

Another from Han:

"_Seriously, WHERE ARE YOU?! This is getting serious Laurie, people are worried. I know you're hurting but please just COME HOME_."

Another from Megan:

"_Laurie, people are scared and need you to come home. Get your ass back here now. You're going to be fine, we all love you, but this isn't cool. Your mom has called us twice already, wanting to know where you are, and we're all worried too. Just get back here now. Please._"

She can be known for being blunt.

There are several more like this from Bella too. I respond to them all with a quick "_I'll talk later_." "Jesus," I think to myself. Yeah, I'll bet my mom wants to know where I am, so she can just yell at me some more. Finally, I look at the number of missed calls I have, the majority of them being from Mom. There are several voicemails as well. I start to listen to the first one:

"_Laurie, it's Mom_," she pauses, "_I know you know I told you not to leave the house tonight and yet you left anyway, but_ –"

You know what? No. I immediately hit the end button on the call and turn my phone back off. Mom's not worried about me, she wants me back so she can lecture me more about my "lack of good judgment" and poor life choices, even after she promised she would always be there for me. I really don't need to hear her condescension right now, so no matter how much my body is telling me to miss her, I tell myself that I shouldn't. After all, she destroyed our family, right? I don't actually believe that, but right now I'll tell myself anything in order to miss her less, (especially when she doesn't deserve to be missed!). I go and use the bathroom that's downstairs to relieve myself, splash some water on my face, and pull my hair into a bun before I head back upstairs to my seat, finding Irene again resting her eyes. I crawl around her and curl up with Winston, taking one quick snapshot of the Cleveland skyline in the distance. I was headed towards my father, and I had to keep going.

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**And she has to keep going, with her Montgomery stubbornness gene in tow. Oh and fyi, the 49 Lake Shore Limited is a real train...I think. I looked it up on the Amtrak website. haha. Reviews are always lovely! :)**


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: Alrighty so here's chapter 7 for you :) I mostly wanted to use this A/N to let you guys know that I will be starting school again next week (junior year of college woot woot!), so my updating in the future might decrease slightly (meaning I probably won't be updating every day or two), but I promise I will still try and update at least once or twice a week. Also, I have up through chapter 10 written and I have no plans to quit on this story, so pleeeease stick with me :) :)**

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything.**

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**Chapter 7**

**Addison's POV**

It's nearing midnight and I haven't seen Laurie for almost nine hours. Although I know it's probably not true, I dare not think that she's been missing for any longer than that, because if my panic hadn't fully settled in when I was out searching for her earlier, it definitely has now. I sat in front of Rinny's grave for almost two hours, not because I didn't want to be out looking for Laurie, but because being there just gave me a sense of calm, almost like my Rinny was telling me that her sister was alright, wherever she was. Also, a part of me believed that if I sat there long enough, Laurie might eventually show up, but I think that was more wishful than logical. If Laurie were going to come to her sister's grave, she would have done so by now.

When I was finally able to pull myself up off the ground, I looked up at the dark skies, almost taunting me that my daughter was out there somewhere. Trying to keep myself from crying again as I think of Laurie all alone in the dark, I decide to just head straight home to see if she had finally come back; yet, when I unlock the door and stand in the foyer, I realize that I have no such luck. Laurie is still missing, and I still have no idea where she could be. I call the Thompson household again, like I said I would, just to make one final attempt to find my girl and remain in denial that this could be serious enough to involve the police. I can feel myself losing control over my tears again as they re-enter my already red-rimmed eyes. I take out my phone and dial.

"Claire?" I manage, once again talking to Hannah's mother.

"Addison, I'm glad you called, I've been so worried. How's Laurie? Did you find her?"

I take a deep breath. "No," I whisper. "I thought…I thought I might find her at Rinny's grave site, but she…she wasn't there. And there's absolutely _no_ chance that you or Hannah have heard from her since the last time we spoke?" I am almost begging.

"Addison, I am so sorry, still no word. If there's anything I can do, I can come over and stay with you –" she offers.

"No, no I can't ask you to do that, you have your own children to take care of." I think of Hannah and her two significantly younger brothers, wishing that my kid could be home, safe and warm like them.

"Alright, well I think," she says, "Addison I think calling the police might be the next best step, but it's up to you what to do next. Just keep me posted, okay?"

"Okay, thank you Claire." With that I hang up and go sit on the sofa in the living room.

"Oh Laurie, where are you?" I say aloud. As much as I don't want to admit that my child might not be coming back any time soon, or that she might be in trouble, I know that I need to call the police. I need to find her, and I have to admit that I might not be able to do it alone. I take out my phone again and, after trying Laurie again and _again_, only getting voicemail, I dial the NYPD station.

"911, what's your emergency?" The dispatcher answers, a very masculine-sounding woman.

"I um," I start, choking on my words, "I need to report a missing child, my daughter, Laurie. Oh, and my name is Addison Shepherd," I add quickly.

"And how long has the child in question been missing?" She asks me.

"Well, I haven't…I haven't seen her in over nine hours now, but the last time I went to check on her was six hours ago, I've…I've been out looking since then, so she um…she could have left anytime between the nine and six hour time period. But…but she's 16, so I guess she's not really a ch…a child." I am surprised I managed to get all of that out, since the lump in my throat feels like it's threatening to take over my entire core.

"Well ma'am –"

"It's Doctor," I automatically correct her, out of habit.

"Alright, Doctor, we typically don't issue a search for a missing person until they've officially been considered 'missing' for 12 hours, so if you'd like to –"

I interrupt her with a surge of frustration. "I don't give a _damn_ what your typical protocol is!" I shout into the receiver. "My 16 year old daughter is missing! My daughter, who never breaks the rules, never sneaks out, and who _never stays out too late_! No! No. I need to find her and I need someone to help me. She's not answering her phone, it…it just goes to voicemail and I don't know how far she's gone or even how she left but please, _please_. Please." I sigh, tears falling down my face. "I _need_ to find my girl. Could you just…send someone over anyway? I need help." I realize as I finish my rant how awfully frantic I must sound, but I'm desperate. I am desperate. This is Laurie we're talking about – when it comes to her and assuring her safety, nothing else in this whole damn world matters. I can't lose both of my children.

"I don't know what else to do," I whisper into the receiver, "Please."

I hear a sigh at the other end of the receiver. "Alright, I'll send a couple of officers to your house as soon as possible."

"And how soon will that be?" I demand.

"I will send out the page just as soon as we hang up. What address are we sending out to?" The woman asks.

"52 West 77th Street, Upper West Side," I tell her quickly. "Please, please hurry."

Once I hang up I instinctively think to call Mark, completely shoving aside all thoughts of what happened three weeks ago; none of it mattered now, all that mattered was finding Laurie. Then I remember he's just left for a two week stint in Philadelphia, something about a series of medical conferences for the American Board of Plastic Surgery. So I immediately dial another number: my older brother, Archer.

"Mmm…hello?" I hear a sleepy voice answer the phone.

As soon as I hear his voice I immediately lose it.

"Arch...Archie!" I begin to sob into the phone.

"Addison? Addie what is it? What's going on?" The manner of my call wakes him from slumber quickly, and I can tell the fact that I'm this upset is scaring him. "Addie! Answer me, what is going on?" He asks me again.

Trying to at least compose myself enough so that he can understand what I need to tell him, I stammer into the phone, "It's Laur…it's Laurie, Archie, she's um…she's gone missing," my voice breaks again, "Archie she's gone missing my baby is missing is she with you?"

"Wait, she's what?! No, I'm sorry she's not. She went missing?! You mean like ran off – no, that doesn't sound like Laurie; what's been going on? Did you have a fight? I mean if you fought, maybe she just needs some space to cool off –"

I interrupt him. "Yes, yes we fought! We fought and I said some things I shouldn't have and now…now she's gone, she left home and I haven't seen or heard from her in almost 10 hours, she won't answer her phone and Archer…I'm really scared."

"I'm on my way over now, don't worry, I'm coming, everything's going to be alright. Have you called the police yet?" He asks me.

"Yes, I got off the phone with them right before I called you, the dispatcher said they would send a couple officers right over," I sniff and wipe at the continuous tears falling down my cheeks.

"Okay well just sit tight, don't leave the house, and wait for the police to get there. I am leaving now so I'll be over as fast as my gas pedal will allow. We'll find her, Addie, I promise. She's okay, she's going to be okay, just hang in there. I love you, Sis."

"Thanks Arch, I…I love you too. See you soon, and be careful!"

I hang up the phone and sit. And sit. And sit, until I think I'm going to go insane. _Where_ the hell were the damn police officers?! Right at this very moment I would give anything in the world to have Derek back with me, to hold me and tell me that everything is going to be okay, that our Laurie is going to make it back home safely. I miss him so much it suddenly becomes hard to breathe – what have I done? I ruined everything. Because of me, my husband will never come back here to hold me again. Hell, he won't even come back here to _fight_ with me; once he walked out that front door he was gone, and as much as I didn't want to believe it then, the fact that right now our daughter could be in danger, yet he cut off all forms of communication with me allowing me to tell him proves to me that he's done. He is done with New York, with his life here, and with me.

I would like to think that by now he's established some sort of contact with Laurie again, but I don't give much hope behind that. If Derek wanted to get away from me, and all reminders of me, our daughter would take a big hit from that. While she may act like a Shepherd, every look about her screams mini-Addison. And the stubbornness, the stubbornness is a trait her and I will always be connected through. I lie down and curl up into a ball on the sofa I'd been sitting on, wishing all the thoughts of Derek would subside. Then I heard the knock at the door. Knowing it's either Archer or NYPD, I uncurl and scamper to open it.

I exhale as I see two NYPD officers standing in front of me. I immediately thank them for coming so quickly, especially given now that it's after one in the morning.

"Good evening Dr. Shepherd, we were told you reported a case of a missing child, your daughter?" One of them inquires.

"Yes, yes, please come in," I open the door and lead them through the foyer and into the living room. The one who said hello at the door introduces himself as Officer Kevin Nelson, and the other as Jason Smith. Right as soon as we reach the living room and I hand a recent picture of Laurie to Officer Nelson, I hear another knock. Knowing it had to be Archer this time, I shout "it's open!" Immediately my brother rushes into the room and pulls me into a hug.

"I got here as quickly as I could Sis," he says. "Have you been able to talk to the police at all yet?" He gestures to the two officers in the room taking notes from a picture.

"Not yet," I reply. "They only got here a minute before you did, I just handed them Laurie's picture." We all sit around the coffee table in front of the sofa.

"Alright so dark red hair down to the mid-shoulder blade, blue eyes; are there any other distinctive features we need to know about to better identify your daughter? What's her full name? And what is her height and weight, approximately?" Officer Nelson asks me.

I think. "Well she's got a birthmark on her left arm, just right above the elbow on the back," I gesture to my own arm. "It's kind of in the shape of a football and is about a half an inch long. She also wears glasses sometimes, usually at night, and she's got a little bit of a dimple in her right cheek." I smile to myself as I think of that little trait that Derek and her share. "Her full name is Lauren Maureen Montgomery Shepherd, Montgomery is my maiden name, but she goes by Laurie. Height is about 5'10 and I think weight somewhere around 135. She plays soccer, so she's all muscle. Oh, and she's completely left-handed…for everything." I add.

"Alright thank you," says Officer Smith. "Now we will need you to answer some logistical questions. Where was the last place you saw her before the time she supposedly left home?"

"We…we were upstairs in her room talking this afternoon and I left her at around 3:30pm."

"Did you ever leave the house after you left her room?" Officer Nelson asks.

"No, I never left the house. I was in the house when she left. After I left her room I took care of some things downstairs," I choose not to tell the officers that what I was really doing was trying to wrap my head around the fact that my child had gotten pregnant at 16 and then had an abortion.

"Then I went back upstairs to my own bedroom and lay down for a while. When I came out about two and a half hours later, I went back to Laurie's room to check on her, but the door was closed. I knocked twice and called her name, but never got an answer. When I went into her room it was empty, and so was the rest of the house. She…she must have left when um…sometime when I was in my bedroom." I muster that last sentence, mentally beating myself up for being too unfocused to hear her leave. "But she took her old teddy bear and school bag, so I guess she must have pl…she must have planned on going somewhere." I'm starting to feel sick to my stomach at this point. I just want my daughter home, now.

"So if you could come up with an approximate time you think she left the house, what would it be?" Officer Nelson asks.

I sigh, and Archer grabs my hand, offering moral support. "I guess it would have to be around 5:30 or 6pm that she left, but like I said I haven't seen her since around 3:30pm, so that's just an estimate."

"Alright Dr. Shepherd, we've got enough information now to create a profile and file a missing person's report. We will take this back to the station tonight and first thing in the morning we will start a search. It's already late, and pretty dark outside right now, so odds are if she's somewhere nearby, she's not going to move around any time soon. Unless you think she would have a reason to leave town; get on a train, an airplane…anything?" Officer Nelson inquires.

"Oh no! No, no, no, Laurie wouldn't just leave town all alone on a whim!" I snap, mostly just trying to convince myself. Where would she go, and how would she even get there? It's not like she knew where Derek was. No, there's no way she left New York. I don't even want to think about it; just thinking about her out there in the city alone in the dark is enough to give me an ulcer. But, then there's the question of, if she's still in New York right now, _why_ hasn't she come home yet? I swallow.

"Well if it's alright we'd like to stop by here again tomorrow morning, assuming Laurie still hasn't returned," Officer Nelson asks. "We can check in her room for any evidence that she might have left town, we can try tracking her cell phone, debit cards, anything, and see if those give us any leads; but like I said, it's already pretty late, it's unlikely that she will be moving around any time soon. If she comes back in the morning, just give us a call and we will cancel the report."

I nod slightly, wishing that the prospect of Laurie coming home in the morning could make me feel better right now. We all stand up as I lead the two officers back out to the front door. Officer Smith puts a hand on my arm.

"I know you're scared Dr. Shepherd, but I've seen a lot of cases just like yours, and more often than not the kid shows up by the next morning. I don't mean to get your hopes up, I just wanted to let you know that there's a good chance your daughter could be just fine." He offers me a small smile. "Now, it's late, so I think your best option right now would be to try and get some sleep, and we'll be back first thing in the morning."

I look at him, offering a small smile back. "Thanks," I respond quietly.

After the two officers leave, Archer and I make our way into the kitchen, putting on a pot of tea. I know already that I am far too awake and scared to be getting even an inkling of sleep tonight. He comes and stands next to me, both of us leaning our backs against the counter.

"So," I start, quietly, "do you have anything you want to say to me?" I reach over and grab my tea mug once it's finished – I notice it's Minnie Mouse, Laurie's favorite. I swallow the lump that forms in my throat.

"About what?" He asks. "Addie, Laurie's gonna be okay. She's a smart kid, she wouldn't just go getting herself into trouble…at least not knowingly anyway."

"No," I stop him before he can carry on talking about Laurie and trouble in the same sentence. "I mean to _me_, about…you know…" I wave my arms around, indicating that I am instead talking about the fact that my husband no longer lives here, despite his abundance of belongings still in their normal positions.

"Oh. That." He says. "Well Addie I don't really think there's very much to say other than…I always thought that husband of yours was an arrogant prick anyway. He had it coming; he didn't deserve you and Laurie, at least not this past year, and especially not after Rinny died. Face it, he wasn't exactly _there_ for the two of you back then, he was always in that damn hospital."

I flinch at the sudden mentioning of my older twin before I half-heartedly smack my brother across the arm. While he may have been defending me just now, which I do appreciate, his blatant disrespect for Derek has always slightly bugged me, even more so when my husband and I were on good terms. However, I'll be the first to admit that Derek could dish it out just as well as he could take it.

"Archer, when…when Rinny died, Derek and I just needed to heal in our own ways, his being work, mine being anything but. Did you know I could barely even look at a newborn baby for about a year after she was killed, without thinking of her?" He shook his head. "I don't know, every time I saw a baby, or had to hold or treat one, I couldn't stop thinking of newborn Rinny; how she fit right in my arms, and how I could just stare into her eyes all day, because it was like staring right into my own. When she would look up at me, it was almost as if she was sharing a secret with me, her eyes always spoke a million words." I'm not even sure why I'm talking about Rinny now, when it's Laurie who is lost, but I can't seem to stop. Maybe it serves as a distraction, but maybe it's just things that have remained unsaid that at some point, I've wanted to say. "Anyway, that's what made work as an OB so hard for quite some time, hence my added specialty in genetics and all of the Cystic Fibrosis research," I mention lightly, sipping my tea. Archer turns his head to look at me.

"Look Addie, I can't imagine how hard these past few weeks have been for you, but you have to know, and I don't know if Laurie's said this to you yet or not, that the one-night stand, Derek leaving…Addie you have to know that this sudden end to your marriage is _not_ all on you," he tells me, wrapping an arm around my shoulder. I nurse my tea some more.

"Well thank you, Arch, but – wait what do you mean, 'if Laurie's said this to me yet or not?'" I ask, suddenly curious of just how observant my girl really is.

"Laurie and I talk on the phone, you know," he points out, "and sometimes when I have time I'll meet her at school and have lunch with her. We talk, Addie, the last time was about a week ago. Like I said, she's a smart kid; I could tell she missed her dad, but that doesn't mean she didn't know how sad you would get if Derek wouldn't come home for dinner for days on end, or show up to things that were important to you. She even mentioned one day how upset _you_ were that he didn't show to one of _her_ soccer games. Now apparently she and Derek had talked about it beforehand and she wasn't expecting him anyway, but you didn't know that, and she could see how hurt you felt, regardless if that hurt was for her and not yourself. She loves you Addie, she doesn't like seeing you get hurt even if the person hurting you is her father."

By the time he finishes there are more tears falling down my cheeks; I don't even know what to say at this point, my heart feels so heavy.

"Arch," I muster, my voice breaking again. "I just…I just want her to come home!" I start openly crying. He pulls me into an embrace. "What if something bad happened to her? What if she's…what if…?" I can't even say it.

"Shh Addie don't think like that. She's fine, she's gonna be okay. I'll bet you right when you wake up tomorrow morning the first thing you'll see is Laurie walking through that front door."

I continue to cry into his shoulder.

"I think it might be a good idea if you tried to get some sleep, Addie," Archer tells me. "You'll be of no use tomorrow if you stay down here being a worried insomniac all night."

In my heart of hearts, I know he's right. Laurie will need me to be at full strength tomorrow, for when she comes home; yes, _when _she comes home. It's nearing three AM now, so we both wander upstairs. He gives me one last hug before going to make himself comfortable in the guest room. I walk into my bedroom, immediately changing into my favorite flannel pajamas and then sitting down at the end of the bed to pick up Laurie's baby picture from my nightstand. Thinking for a minute, I sit with one arm around my middle, hugging myself as I take out my phone one last time for the evening and dial.

"Laurie," I start, already crying again, but at this point I don't even care, I'm desperate; I need for her to hear this. "I know…I know you're upset r-right now, but please come home…I…I'm so worried and I…I'm so sorry, honey, I just need to know that you…that you're alright." I sniff. "I hope that you're safe right now w-wherever you are, and I hope…I hope you know how much I love you sweetheart."

I hang up, wiping my tears and getting back up with the photo frame in hand. I make my way over to Laurie's room, lit up by the lavender shaded nightlight she keeps in the corner, reflecting her favorite color all over the walls. Undoing her sheets, I slide into her bed and lay my head on her pillow. I get a whiff of her shampoo, which relaxes me almost instantly. I lay on my stomach, propped up by my elbows, when I hold the picture in front of me. "Goodnight sweetheart," I say aloud to the photo, and place a kiss right on Laurie's little baby head. I set up the photo frame down on the floor next to the bed and then turn over onto my side, waiting patiently to enter the dream world where my husband, _two_ children, and I could always be together.

* * *

**Confession time: After I finished writing this chapter, I went back and watched the PP season 5 episode where Addie got Henry at the end, just to cheer myself up. haha.**** What did you guys think? Reviews are always lovely! Chapter 8 to come soon :)**


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N: Hey guys! So two things. One, I am finally all moved into my apartment at school...yay! And two, sorry in advance for how long this chapter is. I thought about splitting it into two, but I just thought it flowed together really well and splitting it would be no bueno for my story. I think once you read it you'll agree. haha. I am liking writing as Addison more and more...whyyyyy does Kate Walsh have to be leaving PP this season?! I will cry when this character is no longer on TV. Anywho, I digress; here is chapter 8 :)**

* * *

**Chapter 8**

**Addison's POV**

_I sit cross-legged on the park bench as I watch my two six-year-old little girls run around in the grass in front of me. This morning Derek thought that taking them for a walk around Central Park would be a good way to spend our day off – quality time with our kids that would eventually tire them out, and then he and I could spend a little…quality time together later. I blush as I think of the way he winked and then pressed his lips into mine only moments after making that suggestion. Unfortunately, about an hour into our outing Derek got paged into the hospital for an emergency, but, such is the life of a surgical resident. I'm only lucky it hasn't happened to me yet today. _

_I smile as I hear Laurie and Rinny laughing together in the distance. In retrospect, I am so happy I got blessed with twins; when we first found out I was pregnant, while I was over-the-moon happy and excited, I couldn't help but stress a little over when we were going to have a second baby, and what would happen if we never did, or could. With Derek having grown up with four sisters and me with my older brother, Archer, the both of us understood the importance of a child growing up with a sibling. However, thanks to the wonders of biology, those stresses were relieved no later than my 12-week ultrasound, when we got to see the not one, but _two_ little people I was carrying, just about making Derek pass out. And when we found out that the babies were both girls, I couldn't stop smiling through my tears the entire day. Derek would joke, "I'm just never going to catch a break from all of you girls, now am I?" To which I would respond with a grin and chaste kiss on the lips and say "Oh well, you love us anyway." Placing both hands on my belly, one where each baby lay, my husband would then tell me, "That I do Addie. That I do." _

_A strange breeze and Rinny's shout in the distance of "Mommy!" breaks me from my trance as I look at her. _

_"What is it, sweetie?" I call back. _

_"You have to watch me Mommy! Pleeeease watch me!" She shouts again. _

_"Okay, okay, I'm watching!"_

_ Immediately she breaks into some of her ballet routines, her ebony curls (that match her father's) blowing in the wind. By this point Laurie is sitting crisscross in in the grass, her red hair spilling down her back, just watching her sister. _

_"Wow! That's great baby girl!" I call out to her. "It seems someone's been paying attention in ballet cl –" _

_But before I can finish, for some reason Rinny starts sprinting through the grass and towards the nearest road, Fifth Avenue. I instantly panic, getting up to chase after her. What's strange is that while Rinny is running, Laurie just remains sitting in the grass, like nothing is wrong. I move to run after Rinny, but for some reason once I stand up my feet are glued to the ground – I'm stuck. I start to scream after my sprinting daughter, unable to chase after and stop her. Tears form in my eyes when I notice that she's ignoring me and not stopping; soon she will be running straight into an intersection. The strange breeze turns into what feels like a full-blown nor'easter. _

_"NO RINNY! STOP!" I scream at the top of my lungs, fighting tooth-and-nail to unglue my feet from the ground. But still she keeps going. With the way I'm facing, I can see her, right as she runs into the intersection. _

_"NOOO! RINNY!" I cry, as a car drives straight through, hitting her so hard that I hear her head crack as it hits the pavement, and then just leaves her for dead. I still can't move, so instead I fall to my knees as it starts to rain and scream loudly, with every ounce of heartache I have in me. _

_Laurie just sits there in the grass, turning her head to stare at my sobbing figure. With a straight face she eventually stands up and turns her body to face my crumbling one. She hasn't shed a tear, or acknowledged the fact that her sister's body is left mangled in the street. She walks over and stands right in front of me, her piercing blue eyes meeting mine. I look up at her from my knees, breathing heavily. _

_"Baby…" I manage, "what –" But she stops me. _

_"Mommy," she says, "Mommy, why are you so mean to me?" She asks, again with a completely straight face and a robotic voice. "Why are you so awful, Mommy? I don't want to be with you anymore. Rinny didn't want to be with you anymore either, so she left for forever. Now I'm going to leave you for forever too." _

_"N-no, Laurie, no…" I stutter, breaking eye contact with her and looking down to wipe my tears, "Don't –" I start, as I look up again, but before I can get another word in she's vanished into thin air. "Laurie?!" I call out "LAURIE!" Nothing. Nothing but me, sinking into the ground, screaming myself into my own very deep pit of despair…_

Sweaty and panting, I shoot up in Laurie's bed, now wide awake and shaking slightly. The sun is only just rising, meaning I've only slept for a few hours. I immediately stand up and slap my cheeks a couple of times, just to make sure that I'm completely awake and that _none_ of what just happened in my dream was real. Absentmindedly, I move a hand to my flat stomach, remembering my pregnancy, as I did in the beginning of my nightmare. Everything I had thought to myself about my babies in the dream was true in real life too, but then there was that awful, awful ending where Rinny, I swallow as I remember Rinny running into the road, and then Laurie told me that she was leaving me "for forever." I admit, that last part was probably the scariest; her standing in front of me, telling me that neither her sister nor her wanted to be with me anymore, so they both left, or were going to leave, "for forever;" have I really been an awful mother to her? Was I an awful mother to Rinny too?

The other question is, why did that dream give me so much pleasure, but then completely rip my heart out, as if I hadn't been hurting enough lately? Before I allow a panic attack to settle in, I tell myself that it was just a dream after all. That was not the way anything actually happened, and Laurie wouldn't really leave me forever, not if she apparently loves me as much as Archer claimed she did last night…right? Taking a deep breath and glancing down at Laurie's baby picture on the floor, as well as my phone to see if she had called, no such luck, I walk over to sit on the window seat at the other end of the room. Looking out at the sunrise, I reach for my phone again to take a picture, knowing if Laurie were here that's what she would be doing. I secretly hope that wherever she is, she's enjoying this beautiful sunrise too. I realize that since it's only about six AM, Archer most likely wouldn't be awake yet.

After sitting up in Laurie's room for about another half hour and watching the sun, I decide it's probably best, since I'm wide awake, to go get ready for today, for _whatever_ today had to offer. I get up and after straightening out the bed sheets and grabbing the photo frame from the floor, make my way down to my bedroom to shower. Giving her little head another kiss, I place Laurie's picture back on my nightstand.

"Good morning baby girl," I say, as if she is actually with me and I'm sitting at the edge of her bed, "I sure hope you slept better than I did." With that I pad into the bathroom.

* * *

45 minutes later I'm downstairs making a pot of coffee when Archer walks into the kitchen.

"Morning," he mutters. "You not sleep very much either?"

"No, not really," I reply. "I had this really weird…I just, didn't sleep very well," I mutter towards the end.

"Any um, any word from Laurie yet?" He asks apprehensively.

I sigh. "No, not yet." Oh how I would give anything to have been able to say yes. I'd be lying if I said I hadn't been glancing over at the front door every 10 seconds while down here making the coffee. Really though, I would physically move mountains if it meant I could just hear the comfortingly familiar sound of my daughter walking through the front door. I think to myself what she would do first if she walked in the door like it was any other day. Let's see, first she would take off her shoes (having learned at a young age that having dirty shoes on the brownstone carpet gives Mommy an aneurism, no matter how many times Daddy did it while laughing, just to make fun of her) and leave them in the shoe rack, unless it were after a practice or game she would also take off her shin guards and socks. Then she would come into the kitchen and grab an apple or something equally healthy (Derek sometimes would call her a "fruit fiend," because ever since she was a baby she's had an intense liking for almost anything that grows from a tree or a bush, and ended in –berry). Then she would head upstairs, walk by the office and depending on who was in there, she would give an enthusiastic "Hey Mom!" or "Hey Dad! I'm home!" and finally she would head into her room, settling in to do whatever it was she needed to get done. Sometimes she would even bring her schoolwork or a book into the office and sit on the floor next to Derek or me, (depending on whose desk had less clutter around it, or who was there), while we worked, just wanting to be closer to us. As a little girl sometimes I could even work with her curled up on my lap; the memory of this makes me smile to myself. What I wouldn't give to witness any of that happening right now.

An hour later and Officers Nelson and Smith are back on my doorstep, as there's still no word from Laurie.

"Good morning Dr. Shepherd," Officer Smith greets me. "I hope you were able to get some sleep last night?"

"A little," I tell him quietly.

"So since there's still no word from your daughter, we decided before we arrived here that it would be best to file the missing person's report, now is that alright with you?" Officer Nelson asks me gently, as if knowing that this isn't getting any easier for me.

"Yes," I breathe. "Yes that's fine." I lead them into the living room again, where we meet up with Archer who inquires about Laurie quickly, and we all sit down.

"So what happens now?" I ask.

"Well now we would like to essentially, take as drastic of measures as we need in order to find your daughter," says Officer Nelson. "That being said, we will need to start by searching her bedroom, like we said last night, to try and find any sign that she might have left New York."

"O-Okay," I say, letting out a deep breath. "You just do whatever it takes." We all head upstairs to Laurie's room, which, aside from the sheets on her bed that I slept in last night, looks relatively the same as when she left it.

Officer Smith asks me, "Does she have any belongings that you know of that she takes with her at all times, besides a purse or bag or anything?"

"Well she's got that old stuffed bear that she sleeps with every night, Winston I think his name is?" Archer fills in for me. I nod and add "And he's gone…her…her bear is gone." I can feel another lump coming on.

"And you mentioned last night she took a school bag too?" Officer Smith asks as he and Officer Nelson look around. I nod again. Officer Nelson walks over to the closet and points, asking if it's okay he look in. "Sure," I say, since I hadn't thought if it earlier. As soon as he opens the door the first thing I notice is that Laurie's large camping backpack that she only takes on trips (since it clips a sleeping bag to the bottom) is missing. I immediately gasp, my eyes filling with tears for the first, but most likely not last, time today. Officer Nelson immediately asks what's wrong.

"Her um…her camping backpack is...it's missing," I point to the one spot in the closet where a lot of carpet is showing.

"And I'm assuming this backpack doesn't get taken out unless she goes on a trip?" Officer Smith asks.

"Yes," I admit. "She wouldn't…she wouldn't have taken it un-unless she planned to leave. Excuse me," I say quickly at the end and leave the room. I race down the hall as the tears begin to fall and it becomes harder to catch my breath. I go into my ensuite and pause, sliding down the wall into a squat and burying my face in my hands. So she left, she really left, and she planned it. Laurie knows where she is going, and a feeling in my gut tells me it's some place far away from me, the question is how hard she will make it to find her. But, why did she leave in the first place? I know we had that fight, and I said some things – a lot of things – that I shouldn't have, but we've fought before without her feeling the need to run off afterwards. How was this last one any different? Soon I hear a knock at the door, it's Archer, wanting to know if I'm alright.

"Addie, are you alright? Open the door, please."

Suppressing a sob, I respond. "No, no I'm not really alright, but you can come in." He opens the door and kneels down next to me. "I'm…I'm sorry," I say, "I just didn't want them to see me like this is all."

"Look I know this is hard, I know, she's my only little niece and I'm worried about her too, but if –"

"She left Archer!" I almost shout. "She left! She's gone, to who knows the hell where and she planned the whole thing!"

"How do you –" he starts.

"She took that damn backpack!" I respond. "Her camping backpack, that one that normally stays in her closet, it's gone! Which means," I continue, "that she…that…" I start to cry, but take a deep breath, "that she left town." I admit sadly.

"Addie, come on, we don't know anything for certain yet. Maybe she just moved it up to the attic or the basement or something to create more space?" He adds, and then repeats his earlier sentiment. "I know this is hard, but right now our best shot at finding Laurie is with their help," he gestures to the two police officers. "I'll be with you every step of the way; we will get through this together," he gives me a smile and offers a hand up.

I stand up, wiping my eyes as the two of us make our way back into Laurie's bedroom. Right away I see the two officers jotting down some notes and exchanging whispers, which worries me.

"Sorry about that," I say as I enter the room. "What's…what's going on?"

"Well, after looking around in here, we found this," he shows me Laurie's debit card, "in one of her desk drawers, and with you mentioning the missing backpack, we've decided it would be best to get a trace on anything we can as soon as possible. I assume you must have access to all of her finance details – debit accounts, savings, trusts, anything? Even though she left the card here there may be a chance that she altered some of her accounts, if she was planning to leave that is."

"Yes, yes I do have access to that," I tell them. "But the trust fund," which I choose not to mention is close to five million dollars, "that's for educational purposes only, and she can't use it for anything else until she's 25."

"Alright well why don't we go back downstairs and we will try to get ahold of your bank and gather her most recent statements. One would hope it shouldn't be a problem given we have a search warrant."

I exhale, and we head back downstairs. After spending a solid 45 minutes on the phone with Bank of America, receiving countless (but useless) faxes on my machine in the office, and Archer making two trips downtown to talk to a financial officer, Officers Nelson and Smith were finally able to get ahold of all of Laurie's financial statements.

"So if these records are right Dr. Shepherd, it looks like your daughter hasn't accessed her savings account since her last deposit four days ago, which was made at the downtown banking location," Officer Smith informs me. He carries on, "Trust account still remains to be untouched, now checking…ahh," he pauses.

"What is it?" I ask quickly.

"It would appear as though Laurie emptied out her checking account yesterday from an ATM here in New York at around 6:00pm. Or well, it's as good as empty; she only left five dollars in there, but I would say that was most likely done to avoid the bank notifying her of an overdraw or that her account balance is getting too low. It actually looks like the ATM she used was only right down the street from here," he adds.

"…so that means if she left town, and without her debit card, then the only money she'll have is what she had in checking at the time," I say to myself.

"That's right," Officer Nelson tells me. "Unfortunately however, that means we won't be able to use her debit card to track where she is or where she's going. If we could just get a lead on that then it would be a lot easier to find her if she happened to get on a train, airplane, bus, or whatever, because the company she traveled with would have record of her ticket purchase," he says.

"Well is there any way you can track her cell phone…?" Archer asks the officer, who opens his mouth to answer.

"No," I interrupt. "I um, I don't think she's had it on since she left. Every time I've called it's gone straight to voicemail." I swallow.

"There's always the chance she could have turned it on for a minute," Officer Smith tells us. "If you'd like us to –"

Suddenly, I hear a knock at the door right before Laurie's best friend Megan comes bursting into the living room where we're sat, her dark blonde hair flailing behind her.

"I," she's panting, "I'm sorry to just burst in like this." She bends over slightly holding her side, as though she's sprinted all the way over here. "But I got a text from Laurie! I came as soon as I received it."

My heart starts beating a mile a minute and I stand up, immediately starting to question the girl.

"You've heard from Laurie? When? What did she say? Is she okay?" Megan comes and stands next to me.

"All it said was '_I'll talk later_;' after Han told me last night that you had called a second time and that her mom had told you to call the police, I started sending her some strongly worded texts, telling her how worried you were and that she needed to come home. I was worried about her too you know? Anyway, she didn't respond at all before I fell asleep at around 2am, but then I woke up at around 10 this morning and there it was. It came just right after I woke up." She continues to ramble. "I ran here as soon as I saw it. I don't…I don't know if it'll help you at all but I just wanted to…you know…I wanted to do _something_ for my best friend." I can tell that this has stressed her out too,

I wrap an arm around her shoulders, shoving aside the feeling of hurt that my daughter had chosen to respond to her friend over me. "Now," I pause. "Now because of you we know that Laurie's at least had her phone on for a little while, and Officers Nelson and Smith here can run a trace on her phone to see where she was when it was on, and maybe get a lead on where she's going. That's good. That's _great_." Tears start to form in my eyes. "_Thank you_, Megan," I turn and pull the girl into a full hug, which she returns gratefully, and, to my surprise, then starts to cry into my shoulder. "Hey, hey, hey," I say, running a hand up and down her back.

"I'm sorry," she cries. "I shouldn't be the one crying into your shoulder, I should be the one comforting you, I can't imagine how…how hard this must be," a tear runs down her cheek.

Pulling out of the embrace to look at her, I take my thumb and wipe away the tear. For some reason it's making me feel better, being the one to comfort someone else, especially for someone who has been nothing short of a sister, another sister, to my daughter. "No, no, that's alright. We are going to solve this, Megan, we'll fix it. Laurie will come home. She _has_ to come home." I say this to convince myself further, in addition to Megan. She just sniffs and nods her head. "Here," I say, "why don't you stay with us for a while? They'll need to run a trace on Laurie's phone now and they might need to see the one that received the message too." She nods again and we make our way over to the two officers.

"This is Laurie's best friend Megan," I introduce her.

"Ah yes and you've gotten a message from Laurie recently?" They ask her.

"Y-yes," she stammers, "about a half hour ago. Like I said, I came as soon as I saw it." She hands Officer Nelson her phone.

* * *

An hour later, Megan and I sit on the sofa in the living room while Archer paces, all waiting patiently for the two officers to finish tracing Laurie's phone. It is a long process which involves not only looking up the phone number, but also looking through our phone records, getting ahold of Verizon, (our phone company), and getting all information on the model of her phone from them.

"We got it," Officer Nelson says, walking into the room. "We got her."

"You-you…got her?" I ask, a grin automatically making its way to my face.

"Where is she?!" Megan and Archer both demand at once. All three of us are now standing.

"Well from what we can tell the phone is currently off, but at around 10 this morning we found that the phone in question was turned on in Cleveland, Ohio," he tells me.

"_Cleveland_?! What would she be doing in Cleveland?" Archer responds, shocked.

Placing a hand over my heart and breathing heavily, I start to pace. Cleveland? _Cleveland_? What would Laurie want there? We had no family in Ohio, and as far as I know she doesn't have any friends there, that is unless…unless…

"She's…she's been k-kidnapped, kidnapped, hasn't she? Oh my God, oh my…Laurie!" I can feel the tears spill over. Before I can get any more hysterical, Officer Smith starts talking to me.

"Dr. Shepherd, I really don't think that's the case here. You said yourself earlier she took her camping backpack, school bag, _and_ teddy bear. That means she must have been trying to go somewhere, right? Now, I don't know your daughter, but from what I've heard and seen, from multiple people now, is that she's not the type of girl to just go and do something stupid, or put herself in danger, is that true?"

"Yes," I sniff, "that's true."

"I don't know about you, but I don't want to start exploring the idea that she's been kidnapped until we absolutely have to, alright? Officer Nelson and I are going to start checking with JFK and LaGuardia, as well as the train station and all the local bus stations in the city; if _any_ of them have record of a Lauren Shepherd purchasing a ticket, we are _going_ to find out," I can tell he's trying to console me.

"Montgomery," I add.

"Excuse me?" he asks.

"Add Montgomery in your search. It's part of her name and it might help if she used it to buy a ticket somewhere."

"Anything to aid the process, Doctor."

* * *

"We have record of a Lauren Maureen Montgomery Shepherd on the 49 Lake Shore Limited train to Chicago, according to the records at Penn Station."

"You found her?" The stupid grin returns to my face, completely ignoring the question of what the hell my daughter is doing going to Chicago. Officer Nelson continues.

"The train she's on left New York last night between 7 and 8pm, and is set to arrive in Chicago at around 5pm, Eastern Time, four Central. As it's only 1:15 now, the station told us that according to their conductors the train is somewhere around Toledo, Ohio."

"Toledo," I repeat. Megan looks just as surprised as I feel, and Archer pipes up.

"I think we are all missing the bigger question here," he says pointedly. "What the _hell_ is my niece doing going to Chicago?!" Well said, brother.

"With all due respect sir," points out Officer Smith, "I think a better question would be what we can do now to bring her back home to New York." I actually have to agree with him there, no matter how much I want to know Laurie's reason for leaving.

"What we can do," Officer Smith continues, "is get ahold of the Chicago Police Department, fax them the missing person's report, and let them know that said missing person is scheduled to get off this particular train when it arrives at the station."

I want to jump in elation. If these two officers are correct and my Laurie is on that train to Chicago, if the Chicago Police Department can get ahold of her, I may have my kid back by late tonight. But if they don't find her, or catch her…no, I don't want to think about that yet.

"Alright Dr. Shepherd, if you don't mind we are going to head back to the station and send in that fax and make sure everything gets over there in time. If by some chance they don't find her, we will explore more options when the time comes," Officer Nelson says to me as they both make their way towards the front door.

"Okay. Okay, that's fine. Thank you, thank you so much," I tell them as they leave.

Two hours later, Megan is still at the brownstone keeping me company (she didn't think I should be alone) while Archer went into the office to clear his head and catch up on some patient notes. She and I sit outside in the backyard, me with my knees curled to my chest, trying to at least enjoy some of this clear day. The both of us are trying to keep high spirits by believing that as soon as that train gets into Chicago, Laurie will get off and then be brought home.

"Dr. Shepherd?" Megan breaks the silence.

"Please, call me Addison," I respond. "What is it?"

"When um…when did you decide you wanted to be a doctor? I've always been curious because you're, well you're so…famous and good at what you do and, well I was just curious," she stutters.

I giggle a little at her nervousness and turn to look at her.

"Well, my father is a doctor, so Archer and I grew up hearing all about surgery and procedures and what not, and sometimes I would even sit in on his lectures as a kid – eventually I went so often that I started to practice taking things apart and suturing them up again, you know like bananas or hot dogs or something," I tell her. "And then I met Derek and found out that he wanted to be a doctor too. We got married just before we started Med. School together, so you know, we had each other, and our friends of course, to make getting through classes and studying a little easier and more enjoyable. It was um…it was spring of our first year in Med. School when I got pregnant with the twins," I smile at the memory, "and I think, I think my pregnancy really played a hand in my going into OB/GYN and Neonatal. The amount of joy and happiness and just, I don't know, the amount of _purpose_ you feel as a woman when you have children is really, really amazing. I can't even describe to you how I felt the first time I got to hold Laurie and Rinny in the hospital and kiss their fuzzy little heads…" I trail off. "Anyway, I wanted to find great love in my work, and while I know OB isn't always squishy and pink like a lot of people think it to be, I still today, I find great love in my work, and when I was younger I wanted to surround myself with that as often as I could." Megan just stares at me, seemingly enamored by story.

"Wow, that's amazing," she says. "I've never heard anyone talk about their job that way before, no wonder you're so good at it."

"You know Megan, flattery will get you everywhere," I joke. "You could shadow me sometime if you ever wanted to."

Her eyes immediately light up. "Are you serious?!" She asks. "Oh I would love to!" She smiles at me. "Oh and Addison, there's one more thing I wanted to say."

"Oh yeah, what's that?" I ask.

"I just wanted to say that well, you should know that Laurie talks to us about whatever, stuff that goes on in her life," she tells me, and I mentally rejoice again how great of friends my daughter has. "Anyway, I just wanted you to know that I think you're a really good mom, and I don't know if that makes you feel any better, but I think, I think Laurie is really lucky to have you. She loves you a lot, and I know that this isn't any of business but…in the months before the um, well yeah that, she used to tell me how much it hurt her to see you upset over her dad, no matter how much she loved him too. She was really upset when he left, but I know she didn't want to blame the whole thing on you. I think she always just wanted you two to work things out, and thought that maybe if she loved the both of you enough it might…I don't know…fix things."

The tears start to spill over as I contemplate what Megan just told me. "Megan that…that does make me feel better. Thank you for telling me that; I…I really appreciate it." I smile, standing up to hug her, and she returns the favor. "And for the record, Laurie is lucky to have you too."

"And we're all lucky to have her," she responds.

I just nod, and we continue to stand there in an embrace, me thinking about all that my girl had said, and feeling my heart swell. Suddenly the land line phone rings. Startled, I run inside to answer it, just in case it's Laurie.

"Laurie?" I question into the receiver.

"_Addison_?" I get in response, it's a man's voice, a voice I recognize somewhat.

"Who is this?" I ask.

"_This is Richard, Dr. Richard Webber from Seattle Grace Hospital, I was hoping I would catch you_," he says.

"Oh…oh! Richard! Hello! How…how are you?" I muster. I start to think that I should really keep this line clear, for Laurie.

"_I'm doing just fine Addie. Look I was calling in the hope that you got my message yesterday, about the TTTS case we admitted not too long ago. Now, I know that you're very busy in New York, but if there's any way you could come out here…_" he trails off.

"Oh Richard," I start, "I'm afraid I didn't even see a message yesterday, but listen, I am really flattered that you thought to ask me, but there are some things going on in New York right now that –"

He interrupts me. "_Derek is here Addie_."

I have to grab the counter to keep from fainting. "Der-Derek is…he's there? In Seattle?" I feel very light-headed all of the sudden.

"_I'm sorry, I didn't mean to be so forward in telling you, but I only thought it necessary. I didn't pry into any detail about your marriage when he showed up but Addie, he showed up here about three weeks ago inquiring about the Head of Neuro position I had been seeking to fill, and he, he took the job. I only assume you didn't know what all he was doing here because he…he's seeing someone Addie. He's seeing an intern_."

That does it. I have to sit down. Taking the phone, I go and sit on one of the stools at the kitchen bar. Derek was _seeing someone_, an intern, and we weren't even legally divorced. No, he just left me, and left Laurie, without a word to go to Seattle and start seeing some intern. I think for a minute, Richard said he called and left a message yesterday – my mind flashes back to when I was lying in my bedroom and let the phone ring – maybe Laurie did acknowledge the call after all.

"_Addie, are you still there_?" Richard asks.

"Yes, yes sorry I'm still here," I breathe. "Richard, what, um, what did you say in that message you supposedly left yesterday?" I inquire.

"_Well I said just about the same thing as what I asked, and told, you just now. I inquired about the possibility of your taking on the TTTS case, and then I mentioned Derek. I told you he had been here for three weeks as Head of Neuro, and that he is seeing an intern_."

Suddenly something clicks in my head. Richard did leave a message yesterday, and Laurie heard it. His was the call I chose to ignore. Laurie heard that her dad is in Seattle; if she heard the intern bit I don't know, but I can only hope not. She's missed him so much it's been killing her, and we had just fought so drastically – it all fits now. _Laurie is on her way to Seattle_, and she will stop at nothing to get there.

"You know what Richard? I will um, I will think about that case offer and let you know by Monday alright? But right now, I need, I need to go and I will talk to you later okay?" I stammer.

"_Alright, you just do whatever works best for you. Take care Addison, and say hello to little Laurie for me_," he responds.

I close my eyes at the mentioning of my daughter. "Okay," I whisper, "goodbye."

* * *

They hadn't been able to find her. She had escaped the Chicago police, I just know she did. As Officers Nelson and Smith told me of their mishap in not finding her, the way they were talking to me was in such a way that they assumed I would need some serious consoling. By this point I had sent Megan home, all the while hugging her, thanking her profusely, and telling her I'd let her know when anything happens, and Archer had come back to the house. Under normal circumstances, finding out that the Chicago police did NOT find Laurie even though it was proven she got on a train stopping there would send me into a fit of hysterics, but not this time. This time, I know where she's going, and I can feel her determination radiating through me; she's not going to let anyone or anything stop her. "Seattle," I murmur, when it's just Archer and me in the house later in the evening.

"Come again?" He asks.

"Seattle," I repeat, more meaningfully. "That's where Laurie's going, and she won't let anything stop her." I don't know yet if this unfailing determinedness and stubbornness my daughter seems to possess impresses or terrifies me; but I do know that just because I now know where Laurie is headed to doesn't make me want her home with me any less. I still tear up at the thought of her out there, all alone. I refuse to think of the worst possible things that could happen.

"Seattle?" He questions. "What – why would she be going there?"

"Because…because that's where Derek is," I tell him. "She's going to Derek, and before you ask, one of my former colleagues called me today, he's the Chief of Surgery at Seattle Grace; he told me that Derek is there, and working for him. He said he didn't pry into my marriage with Derek though," I intentionally leave out the part about my husband seeing an intern, not wanting my brother to get too angry. "He said he left a message here yesterday too; I didn't ever see or hear it, but Laurie must have. That's how she found out about Derek."

"Oh," is all Archer can muster. "And you definitely think that's where Laurie is headed, to Seattle? No doubts?"

"No doubts," I reply. "I know she intentionally escaped the police; she must have found out they were looking for her and ran off, because she doesn't want to get caught."

"So…what are you going to do now? Keep the police involved or…?" He is curious.

"Or what?" I pry.

"Or…are you going to go to her?" He asks, very seriously.

I'll admit I hadn't thought of that. While there was that case in Seattle, I couldn't go to Derek. He has his intern, he has his "new" life, and soon, he will have his daughter again; he doesn't need nor want me anymore, I ruined us. "I…" I start. "I guess I _could_ go to Seattle, and…and wait for Laurie there – but Archie what if she comes back here? I can't leave New York! I can't _not_ be here when she gets home!" I'm getting flustered.

"Addison…Addie! Look at me," he demands. "I will be here; I will stay in this house for as long as it takes. I promise you, if Laurie comes back to New York, I will be here in this house waiting for her. I promise you," he says again. "_Go_ to Seattle. Go save some babies, go find your husband, and go wait for your daughter."

"Okay," I whisper, but still there are a million questions buzzing through my head. Should I really go? Yes, there are babies who need to be saved, but do I really need to try and save anything else?

* * *

**Will going to Seattle really save anything else? Such is the complex mind of Addie. Let me know what you think! :)**


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N: Hey guys! Thanks for being so patient with the updates! Here's chapter 9 for you :)**

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything.**

* * *

**Chapter 9**

**Lauren's POV**

It's not until we hit around South Bend, Indiana that I start to get really nervous. Geographically speaking, South Bend is only about 95 miles east of Chicago, so we should only have a couple more hours before we pull into the city's Union Station. I mentally kick myself for not figuring out a plan of where to go when I get there sooner, I guess I was just too busy being "in the moment," and only thinking of what would happen once I was in Seattle, and back in Dad's warm embrace. I'll admit I also spent a fair amount of time, since we were traveling directly underneath the state of Michigan, trying to think of all the states in the US and/or countries of the world that could be misconstrued as articles of clothing. Extremely productive, I know. I figure, when we get to the station I'll first check the schedules for another train (because flying won't even be in the cards for me, financially), and then see if I have enough money to get on one. If Irene asks, I will tell her that I'm getting on another train, to spare me from actually having to say out loud I don't know what my next move is, and to spare her from any worry, or feeling of obligation to help me. I think to myself then, if another train doesn't work out, I will head downtown to the Greyhound bus station – those things are always cheaper, right? Interrupting me from my musing, Irene starts to stir next to me, waking up from her third attempt at sleeping.

"Hmm…where are we?" She mutters, opening her eyes ever so slightly.

"About 50 miles west of South Bend, Indiana," I reply, my nerves coming back to me all over again.

"So we're almost there then," she says, stretching. "Oh I just can't wait to get off of this stuffy train and love on all my grandkids."

I smile, happy for her; "she really is the sweetest lady," I think to myself.

"You know Laurie," she continues, "if you're ever around in Chicago this summer, or if you need anything when you get back to New York, I want you to know that I'll be there for you."

"Oh…" I start, but she continues as if she hadn't heard me.

"You remind me a lot of myself when I was your age, very determined, strong; and not only that but you're smart, and have such a kind heart. Don't ever let that go to waste, you hear? And don't let anyone take advantage of you anymore – there are plenty of people out there, like that bonehead ex-boyfriend of yours, who will find a sweet girl with a pretty face and use her only for their own personal gain, completely disregarding her feelings. Don't let that happen to you again, Laurie. You're worth more than that." I nod, immediately thinking of Logan and wondering to myself if, despite his charming ways, he ever wanted me for more than just a good lay. I can feel a lump rising in my throat as Irene continues to speak. "I'm going to give you my cell phone number, and I want you to promise that if you ever need me, you'll call."

"I promise," I whisper as I notice we are nearing the Chicago Union Station. The lady on the intercom tells everyone to start gathering their belongings, as the train is coming to its final destination, and for everyone who checked bags to go to the station's baggage claim to the right of the entrance. Irene writes her number on a piece of paper and hands it to me, which I then take and rip off a corner, giving her mine as well.

"Oh and I should tell you," she nudges my shoulder like Mom does when she's joking with me, "I was a redhead too back in my day," she winks in my direction and lightly fluffs her hair. I laugh quietly back at her.

"Minorities unite!" I reply, holding my fist out for her to bump it, before remembering that this woman is my grandmother's age and probably won't know what the hell I'm doing. Much to my surprise however, she sticks her fist out and bumps it against mine. Gaping slightly, I let out a much louder laugh. "Irene, you surprise me more and more every minute," I say.

"Hey I've got male relatives, many of whom are under the age of 20," she responds jokingly. With that the train comes to a stop, and the both of us gather all of our bags (mine being much more substantial as she checked most of hers) and make our way down the stairs and off the train. Following the large crowd of people, we walk together through the door and into the Chicago Union Station. "Well honey, I have to head this way," she points to the direction of baggage claim. "Now don't you forget what I said earlier, alright? You're a special one, Laurie." She smiles at me and I can feel the tears prickle in my eyes, suddenly realizing how much I'm going to miss Irene – who knows if I will ever actually get to see her again. Noticing this, she pulls me into one last hug. "Oh now, there's no need for that," I can sense she's close to tears too, "we'll see each other again, after all, you can always find me in Queens."

I nod into her shoulder and sniff. "Irene…thank you so much for everything. You've been such a good friend to me and I'm…I'm really glad I got to sit by you on the train." I realize I must sound like a third grader, but I'm really trying my hardest not to cry. Pulling apart, we exchange smiles again.

"You'll be just fine, honey," she says, most likely not knowing how much I really needed to head those words. When the intercom announces that the luggage from our train should be arriving for claim, Irene and I both exchange small waves and turn our separate ways. Walking left towards the entrance and waiting area, it suddenly hits me how alone I feel. I mean, I was technically alone when I got on the train in New York, but then, as if by some miracle, I met Irene. Now, with her gone and on her way to her family, I am completely and utterly alone. I make my way over to the waiting area and decide that before I go search the board for another train that could get me closer to Seattle, I need to eat something. Having been so intent on getting to Chicago throughout the entire train ride, it dawns on me now how little I've actually eaten over the past 24 hours. I sit down in the waiting area and take out a peanut butter and honey sandwich I had packed for myself before I left New York. I have never really been one for peanut butter and jelly, which Dad always said was strange given my intense, and I mean _intense_ love of all fruits. "Hey, the taste buds want what the taste buds want," I used to retort back to him.

I let my mind wander to thoughts of my parents as I sat there and ate. What would they be doing right now? Well, realistically I have no idea what my father is doing right now because of course he is in Seattle, a place where I have never been and know not how he spends his free time and/or time at the hospital. Instead, think of what my parents and I would be doing if the three of us were all together at home in New York today, and things were…normal.

Since it's Saturday, Mom probably would have gotten up early to go on one of her five-mile runs in Central Park that she always tries to get me to join her on, but I always decline because I am _not_ a morning person (especially on Saturdays). Dad probably would have spent the morning either at work or in the upstairs office, doing consults or catching up on patient notes. I probably would have rolled out of bed at around 10am, and since it's summer taken my soccer ball to the park. In the evening I would either plan something with my friends (or go to the Yankees/Red Sox game that was supposed to be today), or stay in with my nose in a book, preferably _Wuthering Heights_. Mom and Dad would most likely order in for dinner, since Dad would be "too tired" to cook and Mom can't cook anything to save her life, or mine, and at some point I could expect to see Uncle Mark make his way into the living room to tell Dad all about his latest patient and/or dirty joke and/or fling. Whatever the story was it would most likely involve a hilarious story to which Mom would reply tartly with "Mark could you _please_ not talk about your sexual escapades in front of my 16 year old child?" And I would laugh, patting her shoulder and saying "sorry Mom, I don't think there's any stopping him anymore." At some point in the evening, if I opted to stay in, I would end up curled up on the sofa between Mom and Dad, the three of us sharing a blanket and watching whatever movie Mom could get Dad and me to agree with her on that night; if we had our way, every Saturday night would be spent with nothing other than The Godfather – Part I _or_ II – a movie she would rather cook a whole Thanksgiving dinner by herself than watch. Then I would probably end up falling asleep with my head in Mom's lap and her running her fingers through my hair.

I realize as I think about all of this how much closer I am with my parents than the average teenager, and how okay I am with that. While they may have their share of issues to work out with one another, my relationships with the both of them have never been strained (well, unless you count yesterday with Mom, and how much I didn't, and still kind of don't, want to talk to her). To me, Mom and Dad have always been kind of like my best friends – expectant of me to work hard and do my best, but also kind, funny, and loving. While losing Rinny may have initially led them apart from one another, I think over time it brought them closer to me, as they realized how much they didn't want to lose the only child they had left. Breaking myself from my reverie, I notice three police officers standing off in the distance to my right. Wondering what could be going on to require three officers, I listen carefully to try and catch what they're talking about.

"The name's Montgomery Shepherd," one officer says to another. "Lauren Montgomery Shepherd…missing person's report from New York City…the mother called in…"

I could hear smatterings of their conversation. I slump down in my seat, holding my breath as my eyes widen. "So Mom actually called the police; I wonder if she got the letter," I thought to myself as I sat there. "Those officers over there are looking for _me_. No, I _need_ to get to Seattle; I can't let them catch me and send me back to New York." I immediately finish up my sandwich and, very quietly, get up from my seat and race into the women's bathroom, hiding in a stall to think of my next move. "Okay," I think to myself. "There are three police officers in the waiting area of the station, and I don't want them to catch me. I need to figure out how to get out of here without them noticing, and if they do notice, a way that could keep them from recognizing me." Pulling a scarf out of my backpack, I wrap it around my head and then over my nose and mouth, thinking I could just try and pass for a woman who doesn't like to show her face, or who doesn't like the sunlight. Ah, sunlight! I take out my sunglasses too, putting them on. Now, about 90 percent of my face should be covered. I quickly use the bathroom, change my clothes, wash my hands, and then check my "disguise" in the mirror before slowly poking my head back into the waiting area. The three officers are still there. "Well, it's now or never," I say to myself. Very nonchalantly I make my way out of the bathroom in a beeline for the door leading into the city. One of the cops turns his head and glances at me and I feel my heart skip in my chest – did he recognize me? To my luck, a glance is all he gives me; he didn't recognize me. Exhaling, I finally make it to the door and make my way out and into downtown Chicago.

Wanting to get out of there as soon as possible, and realizing that with the police there I could never make another train ticket reservation under the name Lauren Shepherd, or Montgomery for that matter, (and I _really_ didn't want to use a fake identity), I opt to go find the Greyhound bus station. As soon as I step outside I am immediately overcome by the humidity. I take off the scarf quickly, since I can already feel myself start to sweat. I can hear thunder starting to rumble in the distance, and since it's already entering evening time, I want to find the station as quickly as possible. "Excuse me, sir?" I ask a middle-aged gentleman who is heading to enter the train station. "But could you possibly tell me where the Greyhound bus station is from here?" I cross my fingers that this man knows his way around Chicago.

"Oh yes, it's only about a 10 minute walk from here," he tells me. "Just head south on Canal Street, that's the street we're on, then at the next block you'll turn right," he points. "The street is Van Buren. Then you'll want to turn left right away on Clinton Street, where you'll go underneath I-290. When you get across the interstate, go left on Harrison Street for about a half a mile and the station should be on your right." Geez, when I hoped this guy knew his way around Chicago, I had no idea he could apparently make a living as a tour guide.

"Okay thank you, thank you so much!" I tell him, and run off. I stop running once I find Clinton and see the tunnel that goes underneath the interstate, feeling the sweat run down my back and seep through my t-shirt. As I walk along the streets of downtown Chicago, I take some time to take in my surroundings; after all, I've never been here before. Pulling out my camera, I get as many snapshots from where I'm standing as I can, getting a nice one of Sears Tower. The buildings look a lot different than in New York – not because they're not tall or…building-ish…I don't know, they just seem to have an entirely different attitude about them, as does the city as a whole. New York is so busy and everyone always looks like they're in a hurry to get somewhere; don't get me wrong, I love my hometown, but it's nice to be able to experience other styles of living and working. I hear a guy on the upcoming corner of Clinton and Harrison playing music on the hand drums and just watching the passersby. It's kind of a relaxing sound, and I so wish I could give the guy a few dollars, but alas, the money I have on me is precious, and I need to save every cent for helping me get to my dad. Instead, I give him a smile and a nod, take his picture, and keep walking. As soon as I reach the station I hear another clap of thunder. "It's a good thing I got here before the rain sets in," I think to myself.

Taking off my sunglasses, I walk into the Chicago Greyhound bus station. Finding a kiosk with countless maps of various bus routes, I search for any option that would take me to Seattle (and as quickly as I could afford). The only one I can find today is that leaves the station at 11:45pm, five hours from now, and will take just about two days to get to Seattle (if everything goes according to schedule); given that that seems to be my only option, I sigh, close the route map, and make my way to customer service to buy my ticket. Ringing the bell, I see a short and balding man walk up to the counter and pull open the glass window.

"Can I help you?"

"Yes, um, I'd like to know how much it'll cost to get a ticket for this bus to Seattle," I hand him the route map. Really I don't know why I asked for the cost, because I was running out of options here.

"For that bus…that'll be $120, Miss." Damn, I thought these things were supposed to be cheaper than trains. I pause for a moment, thinking. If I spend $120 now, most of my money will be gone. But that's okay, right? I told myself as I was leaving New York that all of the money I had with me would be put towards getting to Seattle, and nothing else. And besides, if I'm sitting on a bus for two days, I won't exactly be able to spend much money now will I? Okay, I'll do it.

"Okay, I'll take it…if you've got any more openings that is," I plea to myself that he does.

"Yes, you're in luck. We do have some empty seats on that one, if I could just see your ID…?" He asks.

I hand over my driver's license like I did at Penn Station, and he copies down my information. I can almost feel my arm move in slow motion then as I reached back into my bag for my wallet and take out the necessary money – $120. My stomach churns as he takes it from me and then hands me my ticket and my ID back. While I'm elated I could afford a ticket and that they even had room for me, I now only have about $20 to my name, and that stresses me out…a lot.

"Alright well you've got about four and a half hours until the bus will start loading, so just be back here by 11:00pm or so."

"Okay thank you," I respond. Well, I have four and a half hours; it's time to kill some time, no pun intended. I _don't_ want to be wandering around downtown Chicago by myself at night, so I opt to stay at the station. I make my way over to the waiting area, hearing the rain start to pour down on the roof, along with another (louder) clap of thunder; made it just in time. I set my bag and backpack down on the ground by my chair and sit down, bringing my knees to my chest. The rain outside makes me want to put on my sweater, but the humidity that seems to have made its way inside the station too tells me otherwise – so far, Chicago weather has been very confusing. Taking out my route map, I decide to study the roads; "might as well be familiar with where I'm headed," I think to myself.

My bus had three transfers; starting in Chicago, the first would be when we reach Fargo, North Dakota, then the second in Billings, Montana, and finally, the third in Missoula, Montana. The next time I got off a bus after that, it would be in the Puget Sound and I would be on my way to my father. Just thinking about that now makes me bounce a little in my seat – I don't think I've ever been so excited to see my dad in my entire life, including all those times I missed him when he stayed at work too long, or went on medical conferences all over the country for a week or so. This time was different; this time, we had both experienced great heartache, we both needed to heal, and I wanted to heal together.

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**So hopefully this will get Laurie to her dad. What do you guys think? Reviews are always welcome! Chapter 10 to come soon :)**


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N: Honesty time: This chapter was a very interesting one to write. That is all.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything.**

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**Chapter 10**

**Lauren's POV**

Staring at the route map for at least an hour, I realize that we are following I-94, which turns into 90, for the entire trip, and then I start counting the large number of stops we have in Montana - 22. I have only been there twice, once with Mom, Dad, Bizzy, and the Captain, Mom's parents, and we stayed in Yellowstone for a week over my fourth grade Christmas break. Needless to say with Mom's relationship the way it is with her parents, who can be a bit…condescending towards her and exhausting in general…that wasn't a very fun trip, except for when Mom taught me how to ski. The second time I went was two years ago with Bella's family, and we stayed at the Old Faithful Inn in the park (which I guess technically speaking is in Wyoming), but it was over the summer, which was infinitely better than being stuck in feet upon feet of snow and crabby grandmothers who I'm not actually allowed to call Grandma. I guess my point is that both of those times I had traveled to Montana we had flown, so now I will get to experience firsthand how uncharacteristically huge the state is; I can't wait.

Two hours, the rest of _Wuthering Heights_, two apples, and one vending machine coffee later, I notice the station getting significantly fuller, as more and more people get ready to load the bus. Sitting in the corner of the room, I try to stay as out of the way of people as possible. However, as I look around a notice one man in particular, who's surrounded by a couple friends I assume them to be, staring right at me. He looks to be about 40, is dressed all in black and from what I can tell, is someone who doesn't really appreciate the benefits of daily personal hygiene. Thankfully, I am dressed just about as conservatively as you can get for a teenage girl – black and white converse, jeans, a Boston Red Sox t-shirt, and now a zip-up hoodie to cover that. Oh, and _reading glasses_ for God's sake. Still, there is something about this guy that really freaks me out; remaining in my seat, I acknowledge his stare and give him a small smile to be friendly and then look in the other direction. I really don't want to give him _any_ signal that I want to talk to him, because I don't. I don't know if it's by sheer luck or what, but before the voice on the intercom tells us to get ready to board the bus, the man doesn't come and sit next to me. Now, if only he'll repeat that similar action while we're actually on the bus.

I intentionally walk out to the terminal next to a normal-looking woman who seemed to be in her mid-20s, in the hope that she and I could hit it off within the next two seconds and she would sit next to me. "So…pretty late to be getting on a bus, huh?" I ask her, trying to make small talk the best I can with a stranger.

"Hmm yeah," she responds. Shoot. I'll have to do better than that.

"Where um, where are you headed to? If you don't mind my asking…" I question her.

"Minneapolis, and the sooner I get there the better. Hopefully this freaking bus doesn't leave two hours late like it did the last time," she seems annoyed, so I put on my best frown and lie.

"Oh yeah, totally. That's happened to me so many times with this bus you don't even know!" I fake exasperation. "But you know what really helps me when things don't leave on time? Having someone to talk to. I'm headed to Seattle myself so it should be a pretty long trip wanna sit with me?" I didn't intend to become a rambling, desperate mess, but I see the man looking at me again and I _need_ this woman to cooperate. I need to look like I'm with someone I know.

"Oh well umm sure," she replies. _Score_. Who cares if she's only going to Minneapolis? This gives me time to figure something else out later.

Once we get on the bus I do like I did on the train and throw my school bag at my feet, except this time there's a compartment underneath the bus for people to throw their bigger bags, so despite my better judgment I have to part with my camping backpack. The woman, whom I find out is named Madelyn, and I find two seats together almost halfway towards the back, and she allows me to take the window seat, which I am again grateful for. The man I am weary about takes a seat about five to ten rows behind us on the opposite side; I make a point not to look at him or in his direction when he walks by, so I don't know if he made any effort to look at me (or for me) once we got on the bus. I just figure I will mind my own business and with any luck he will leave me alone and let me be on my way.

Right away I can tell that Madelyn is not going to be as chatty as Irene was, since she makes little effort to talk to me, and about 20 minutes after we leave the station, she is fast asleep. I guess the whole sleeping thing makes sense though, it is past midnight after all, and I'm feeling pretty tired myself. Before I decide to try and get some sleep, I do my best to crawl around Madelyn and make my way to the back of the bus where the little bathroom is. Trying not to wake anyone as I walk down the narrow isle, and once again intentionally _not_ looking in the direction of the strange man, I reach the tiny room and shut the door behind me as quietly as I could. Immediately changing into a pair of my black capri yoga pants, I stand in only those and my bra, letting myself (and my t-shirt) air out as I wet both my face and my hair. In order to travel as lightly as possible, I tried not to take too many clothes when I left New York, only because I knew I would have to be carrying them all. However, I am changing again because thanks to Chicago and its unbelievable humidity, I feel _gross_. Letting the cool water run through my hair and over my face, I suddenly become excited for the time when I can take an actual shower again. After tying my hair back, I take paper towels and dab water over my front and back as well, trying to get some of the sticky off. I feel slightly better, so, drying myself off and putting on some deodorant, I put my t-shirt back on and head back to my seat. Madelyn is still fast asleep when I get there, so again I exercise my greatest crawling abilities. Eventually I am able to settle in my seat and take out Winston, once again for comfort. I think about Irene and how she and her family are doing, slightly jealous that she gets to spend the night with them, all together, safe and warm. But then I remember that I did this to myself, I wanted – I _want_ – this; I want my dad. Leaning my head against the window and hugging Winston to my chest, I allow myself to fall into a fitful sleep.

The next time I wake up, the sun is already risen and Madelyn is gone. I immediately panic; did I really sleep that long? Did we already pass through Minneapolis?! No. No, Madelyn can't just be gone like that; she can't have just left without me even _noticing_ her departure! I didn't even have time to think of what I was going to do next – I didn't want that strange man to come and sit next to me. "Laurie, come on," I mentally chide myself. "Get a grip. You don't even know if one, you've passed Minneapolis yet, and two, if that guy is even still on the bus. Relax." I take a couple deep breaths and slowly look around. The screen on the small TV just above my seat tells us approximately where we are along I-94 and that it's 8:15 Sunday morning. Much to my dismay, we have already passed through Minneapolis, but only about 15 minutes ago. We are just now approaching the suburb of Maple Grove, Minnesota, and we have a little less than five hours until our first transfer in Fargo. I crane my neck around a little more in search of the man, wanting to know if he was still on the bus. I freeze when I see him, fortunately asleep, but still sitting several rows behind me. I feel my stomach turn, because even if he is asleep, everyone else on the bus has someone sitting next to them (not to mention none of them are near me), and he still gives me a weird feeling, what with the way he was staring at me yesterday…no, we are on a bus, technically I'm "in public," I'll be fine. I try and shake it off, and zone off with the second book I brought, _Northanger Abbey_. I've got a thing for the classics.

Three and a half hours later, I can feel a presence standing next to my seat. Sticking my finger in my book to mark the page, I look up slowly. My breath catches in my throat when I see the man standing beside me. "Mind if I sit here?" he asks in a thick Midwestern accent, although it didn't really come out as a question.

"Um-" is all I can get out before he sits down next to me anyway.

"So you like the Red Sox, you from Boston?" he asks. I can sense him scooting closer to me, to which I respond by pressing my entire left side as closely to the window as possible. I don't answer him.

"Oh come on now, I'm just trying to be friendly," he tries again. "So, you from Boston?" I can tell he's not going to give up.

"Y-yes," I stammer; I'm not going to give this guy one truthful detail about me.

"I'm from South Chicago myself," he tells me. I shudder to myself; you don't have to be from the Midwest to know that that part of the US isn't exactly known for all of its model citizens. "The name's Marcus, Marcus Johnson." I just sit there and nod, really wishing this guy would go away.

"Well, aren't you going to tell me yours?" With every fiber of my being I do not want to talk to this guy. I think for a moment what would happen if I suddenly made a scene, would people tell him to leave me alone? I'm not really sure, because technically speaking he hasn't done anything to me; he hasn't touched me, said anything inappropriate, no, society might not be on my side yet on this one. Also, no matter how much of a scene I made, it wouldn't change the fact that he and I would still be on the same bus from here to God knows when.

"Um…my name?" I breathe. "I'm-I'm Sarah," I spit out the first name I can think of.

"Well Sarah, it's nice to meet you," he brings his face closer to mine slightly and I can smell the nicotine on his breath.

"Yeah, yeah you too," I breathe. He scoots back over a little and, although still uncomfortable, I am able to relax slightly now that there's a solid five inches between us instead of one. I think about maybe trying to get past him and go back into the bathroom, but then I realize I wouldn't just be able to take my bag, and I don't want to leave my stuff alone with this guy.

"So Sarah, you travelin' alone?" He starts to pry again.

"No! No, I am not," I say the first thing that comes to mind.

"Oh, funny, 'cause it sure looks like you are," he scoots closer again.

"No, I am not. My f-friend Madelyn is…is in the bathroom!" I am such a terrible liar, and it doesn't help that I am getting scared.

"Oh," he chuckles, "you mean that pretty little thing that got off back in Minneapolis? Yeah, sure looks like you're traveling together," he chuckles some more. "Sarah you gotta learn to relax. See those two guys down there? They're my good buds…now, I don't think this Madelyn is a very good friend now is she? She's gone and left you in Minneapolis!" I can feel my armpits start to sweat; I don't know what to say to this Marcus guy anymore to make him leave, so instead I try ignoring him again, which does not settle well with him.

"Now Sarah, it's not nice to ignore your friends is it?" He's mocking me.

"F-friends?" I whisper. There are so many words swimming through my head that I would like to say, hell that I'd like to _scream_, out loud, like for one: "Get the _fuck_ away from me!" But for some reason, nothing is coming out. I have never been in a situation like this before, which is funny given the fact that I grew up in New York City; then again, in New York I didn't exactly take public transportation alone very often.

"Well of course we're friends, Sweet Thing," and he's back to being one inch away from me. Sweet Thing? Suddenly, I feel his hand snake up my right thigh and I squeal, jumping just about a mile high. "Oh, too soon for that I see," he says and pulls away. I pull my knees into my chest and notice him bringing his mouth right next to my ear. "Don't worry baby, we'll get there," he whispers. I can feel the tears prickle in my eyes. _Why _wasn't anyone around me doing anything? I need help! Then I remember that there isn't anyone sitting close around us, they all got off in Minneapolis. The closest people to us were where Marcus' cronies, I mean "buds," were sitting. No. I need to get out of here. I need to get off this bus. He will transfer onto the other one, and I'll just stay at the station and wait. I start to squirm in my seat; it's blatantly obvious how terrified I am, and he is playing right off of my fear.

As if by some miracle, I hear the driver come on the microphone and say that we are about five minutes from Fargo, so anyone who is getting off there needs to grab their belongings. That's my escape; I have to get off in Fargo. But I only have $20, how will that get me to Seattle? I can't very well buy another ticket for the price I paid for this one. No, I'm sure that if I get off there and explain the situation to someone at the station, they will be able to help me. Hell, maybe they'll even just let me on the next bus heading west that passes through. They will understand.

"You know what?" I say, trying with all my might to build up some courage. "This is my stop. I-I have to get off in Fargo. So if you will excuse me, _Marcus_, I need to gather my belongings and get ready to leave. I need to leave, s-so excuse me." He gives me a look, one that I can't really decipher, but then he gets up.

"Well alright then," he says, and I can hear the sarcasm. "I'll see you around, Sarah." With that he gives me a wink and walks back towards the back of the bus.

I gather my things as quickly as I can, sitting with my bag on my lap, my knees bouncing and my breath heavy; I really want to get off of this bus. As soon as we stop at the Fargo Greyhound bus station, I almost trample the driver in my attempt to get off and grab my backpack as quickly as possible. Once I grab my bag and thank the driver, I race inside the station, wanting to get as far away from Marcus as I could, as quickly as I could. However, in my hurry I failed to notice that the bus schedules and routes are actually listed outside the station, right to the left of the front door. I allow myself to stand inside for a moment, to catch my breath and stop shaking from that last hour-long encounter. Letting out a deep breath, I head back outside to where the last bus had left me. Immediately, I am met with a rush of hot air – it must be at least 80 degrees. I stop a moment to take in my surroundings; aside from some very Old-Western looking yet tall-ish buildings, North Dakota is flatter than _flat_. "Hello tornadoes…" I say to myself quietly. But otherwise it looks like kind of a neat city to explore. Making a mental note to watch the movie _Fargo_ someday, I walk over to the schedules and route maps. Picking up one for the same bus I was just on (just in case the next one came at a different time), I hesitatingly decide to take out my cell phone and listen to more of my messages. I'm ready to listen – that last encounter with Marcus scared me enough that no matter how angry I am with Mom, I need to hear her voice. Since she's left about a dozen messages, I decide to just skip the first one (sent Friday night) that I had started last time, listen to the second one, and leave it at that. But what I don't know is, when I skip to that second message, just how much the grief in Mom's voice will stick with me for a very long time.

"_Laurie_," she starts, and I can hear her openly crying in the background, something she's always tried to hide from me. "_I know…I know you're upset r-right now, but please come home…I…I'm so worried and I…I'm so sorry, honey, I just need to know that you…that you're alright_." She sniffs. "_I hope that you're safe right now w-wherever you are, and I hope…I hope you know how much I love you sweetheart_."

Tears immediately spring to my eyes, and it takes everything I have not to fall to the ground. _Mommy_. I want to cry out to her, and run into her arms. But I left her – I had to get to Dad, and she betrayed me, betrayed us. I had thought she wouldn't be worried, since she seemed so adamant about being angry and disappointed in me. She literally made me think, not that she didn't love me anymore, but that she had lost all respect for me as her child, and I didn't want to face both her rejection and Dad being gone at the same time. "Mom," I say to myself, "I'm sorry…I love you…I will call you back."

What I don't notice is that while I am standing there near tears over my mother, three men walk up behind me, very silently. Everything happens so fast I barely have any time to process; the hand over my mouth, the twisting back of my arms, sending my cell phone flying out of my hand onto the ground shattering into a dozen pieces, and the slimy sound of Marcus' voice in my ear.

"You didn't think you could escape me that easily, did you Sweet Thing?"

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**Please don't kill me. So...what did you guys think? Reviews would be amazing!**


	11. Chapter 11

**A/N: Alrighty so here is my first ever attempt at Derek's POV. Long story short, it took me forever and I experienced some serious writer's block. However, I reeeally wanna keep his POV in my story, so any constructive criticisms you guys may have on how to make writing for him better, I would appreciate :)**

**Disclaimer: I definitely don't own anything in this chapter, and if any of you have ever seen GA season 1 you will know that right away. haha.**

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**Chapter 11**

**Derek's POV**

Sixteen years ago, if I were to imagine how my life would be at this very moment in time, I would definitely not have pictured myself sitting inside a small yet comfortable bar across the street from Seattle Grace Hospital. In addition to that, I would not have pictured myself alone, without my wife by my side, far away from my daughter, and with a deactivated cell phone keeping the both of them at as much of a distance as possible. No, 16 years ago, when I was happily married, and sleep deprived from both Med. School and two bubbly little babies, I would not have imagined myself anywhere other than in New York City with my three girls.

Taking a sip of my scotch, I sigh. Really, what am I doing here in Seattle? It's cold, hardly ever sunny, and a completely different atmosphere than what I've been used to my entire life. But this is what I wanted, right? This city, this job, it's what I need. I need to get away from New York, away from Addie, and clear my head of any and all thoughts of her with…_him_, and of seeing…_them_…every time I close my eyes, even for a second. Except there's just one problem – Laurie. What about her? What am I going to do? She's the one thing in my life that has always been good; the ray of sunshine when everything seemed to be swallowed by darkness. I can't just leave her in New York and never see her again, that thought alone makes me take another sip of my drink; but for some reason I can't bring myself to call her back. I still hear her voice in my head from the message she left me, before I deactivated my phone.

"_Dad, it's me, Laurie. Please pick up, please. I need to talk to you Dad…are you, are you okay? Where are you? Please, I want to see you. Don't leave forever, please. Just…I guess just call me when you get this. I love you so much Daddy._"

Remembering that message almost makes it difficult to breathe; the way her voice sounded like the little girl I used to call Buddy, carry on my shoulders after a soccer victory, and who inherited my blue eyes. And the way she just fit into my arms as an infant (and perfectly into that Red Sox onesie) – we've been bonded for life. Yet for some reason now, I can't continue to listen to the one voice that will make me see reason, especially when that isn't something I am ready to deal with just yet. I can't hear the voice that will immediately make me think of my adulterous wife, and about how the one person who I thought would always remain faithful to me, ended up doing the exact opposite.

Sighing again and turning my head to the side, I notice her for the first time. Just a girl in a bar, she sits there quietly; it seems as though she may be new around here too. I wonder if any of the thoughts going through her head match mine, thoughts of loneliness, the desire to start over. I'll admit, in terms of appearance she's not bad looking either – she's no Addison that's for sure – but there's just something about her that makes it damn near impossible to stay away…

**The next morning**

Waking up, I realize two things. One, I am currently laying on a very hard surface, and two, I have no clothes on. Opening my eyes slowly, I try to wrap my mind around where exactly I am. Suddenly, a pillow falls on my lower half, startling me. I look up and see none other than the girl from the bar, staring down at me and dressed in nothing but a bathrobe. Putting two and two together, I realize; we slept together last night. Picking up a bra that's about an inch away from my face, I start.

"This is…uh…" not really knowing what to say.

"Humiliating on so many levels. You have to go," she replies.

As if suddenly overcome by the desire to have more of this woman, before I can help myself I try to stop her. "Why don't you just come back down here, and we'll pick up where we left off?"

"No, seriously. You have to go, I'm late, which isn't what you want to be on your first day of work, so…" Despite the slight hangover, I can sense the uncomfortable that's making its way through the room.

"So uh, you actually live here?" I ask, trying to delay the awkward.

"No," she replies, completely destroying my efforts.

"Oh."

"Yes. Kind of."

"Oh," I say, "It's nice. A little dusty, odd, but it's nice. So, how do you kind of live here?"

"I moved two weeks ago from Boston. It was my mother's house, I'm selling it."

"Oh, I'm sorry."

"For what?"

"You said 'was.'"

"Oh, my mother's not dead, she's…you know what? We don't have to do the thing."

"Oh, we can do anything you want."

"No, the thing: exchange the details, pretend we care. Look I'm gonna go upstairs and take a shower, okay? And when I get back down here you won't be here so…um…Goodbye, um…"

"Derek."

"Derek. Right, Meredith."

"Meredith."

"Yeah. Mhmm."

"Nice meeting you."

"Bye Derek."

Fully clothed, I walk out of Meredith's house, feeling more free than I had in ages; she was my breath of fresh air, when I felt as though I were about to drown.

**Two hours later**

Looking back, I know it should have felt wrong what I did – sleeping with another woman while I still legally married – but for some reason I just can't keep her out of my head. How different and _refreshing_ she felt, and how she could make me forget. I start to wonder if I'll ever get the chance to see her again, and if so would that even be a good thing, when I look up and see none other than the woman I had been pondering over for some time now: Meredith. Our eyes meet and immediately she turns and walks away nervously.

"Meredith!" I chase after her in a run. "Can I talk to you for a second?"

"Actually, I was…" she starts.

Pulling her into the stairwell, I'm determined. I want to figure out what exactly last night meant, and I need her to cooperate. I need her to be my breath of fresh air.

"Dr. Shepherd," she states.

"Dr. Shepherd? This morning it was Derek. Now it's Dr. Shepherd?" I reply, trying to keep her calm.

"Dr. Shepherd, we should pretend it never happened," she says, pointedly.

"What never happened?" I ask, slightly offended. "You sleeping with me last night, or you throwing me out this morning? Because both are fond memories I'd like to hold onto."

"No, there will be no memories. I'm not the girl in the bar anymore, and you're not the guy. This can't exist. You get that, right?"

"You took advantage of me, and now you wanna forget about it – "

"I did not take – " she interrupts me.

"I was drunk, vulnerable, and good-looking and you took advantage," I reply, starting to enjoy our banter.

"Okay, I was the one who was drunk, and you are _not_ that good-looking."

"Mmm maybe not today. Last night, last night I was very good-looking. Had my red shirt on, my good-looking shirt, and you took advantage."

"I did _not_ take advantage."

The next few words slip out of my mouth before I can even think them through. "You want to take advantage again? Say Friday night?"

"No," she tells me. "You're an attending and I'm your intern." My eyes begin to wander. So she's the intern assigned to my case on the teenage girl having seizures? "Stop looking at me like that."

"Like what?" I ask, as innocently as possible.

"Like you've seen me naked."

Ah, that.

"Dr. Shepherd, _this_ is inappropriate. Has that ever occurred to you?"

I sigh as she turns and walks out of the stairwell. That went well.

**Three hours later**

I'm standing at the nurse's station when I hear my pager go off – 911 for Katie Brice, my seizure case. "Dammit," I think to myself as I break into a run.

"What the hell happened?" I demand, running into Katie's room.

"She had a seizure and her heart stopped," Meredith replies, franticly. Dammit, exactly what I had predicted.

"Seizure?! You were supposed to be monitoring her," I spit at her.

"I checked on her, and she – "

"I got her. Just…just go."

**Ten hours later**

Just walking out of surgery, I see Meredith sitting in a chair in the waiting area. I sigh, pulling off my scrub cap. With all of the ups and downs of today, I'm not sure I'll have energy enough for this conversation. Suddenly, she speaks up.

"That was amazing."

"Hmm," I look over at her and smile.

"You practice on cadavers, you observe, and you think you know what you're gonna feel like standing over that table, but…that was such a high."

Staring at her and listening to her speak, she immediately reminds me of Laurie. Having grown up with two surgeons for parents, there's always a certain fascination that flashes through her eyes when hearing Addison or I discuss some unique case. I've lost count of the number of hours she has spent in the office upstairs in the brownstone after school or soccer practice, just observing and listening. Shoving the thoughts that make me miss her even more aside, I bring myself back to Meredith.

"I don't know why anybody does drugs."

"Yeah," I reply quietly.

"Yeah."

"I should uh, go do this," I point to Katie's chart I just finished filling out.

"You should," she smiles at me.

"I'll see you around," I say, as I turn and walk down the hall.

"See you around."

**Six weeks later**

It's been over a month. Over a month since I've left New York. Meredith and I, well it's been somewhat of a bumpy ride, but we are getting there. I keep telling myself that she is it; she is the one who will help me heal from the exponential amount of loss I have faced in my past. Although herself damaged, it is far less exhausting to try and fix her, than admit to myself that it's actually me who needs the help. With her I can hide it; shove my pain aside to try and fix someone else's. I'll admit I think about Laurie a lot – a few days ago should have been her last day of 10th grade – and if she will ever forgive me for leaving her. I can wish and wish for her to be understanding, but in the end she is just a kid and shouldn't have to try and understand the sex lives (or lack thereof) of her parents. And as much as I hate leaving her with the person I haven't allowed myself to think about for the past three weeks, I know in my heart of hearts that I couldn't ask for a better mother for Laurie. No matter where I am, my daughter will always be taken care of, by none other than a woman whom she inherited almost every feature from. The sound of Meredith groaning that it's a Monday, then getting out of bed after hearing the voices of Izzie and George in the hallway finally breaks me from my thoughts.

"_What_ is going on out here?" She asks, jokingly.

I can hear George shout and then Izzie mumble something that's indecipherable to me as I put a shirt on and walk towards the door. "This sounds like fun out here," I greet them as the two women stand there giggling. It's not until a few seconds later when I lean in to give Meredith a kiss that I feel it – my pager vibrating. Looking down, the number doesn't even have to have a name to it for me to know who it is. It's my wife; it's Addison.

"Aren't you gonna get that?" Meredith asks. "It might be the hospital."

"It's not." I reply tartly. "Breakfast?" I ask, and make my way downstairs.

**Twelve hours later**

I realize that after getting several pages from Addison all throughout the day, (and don't even ask me how she got the new number), it was time to come clean with Meredith. Whatever Addie wanted, she wasn't going to stop until she got it, and something was telling me that pretending like my past didn't happen isn't enough to uphold my newfound relationship anymore. Sitting in the hospital lobby waiting for Meredith to come out of the intern's locker room, I sigh to myself. I could already sense this was going to be an interesting evening. I stand as I see her come out and head towards me.

"Long day, somewhere out there is a steak with your name on it, and maybe a bottle of wine," I say as she walks up; might as well start this on a good note.

"So, we need to talk." It's time.

"Wine first, talk later," she replies, smiling at me.

"You trying to, uh, get me drunk so you can take advantage of me?" I wink at her and then start to help her to get her jacket on.

"I think I like this rules thing," she giggles.

"Me too," I smile, turning towards the door. Suddenly however, as I look up, my smile disappears as quickly as it came. As I look up, I see the face I had been trying to erase from my mind for weeks now, the face of the woman who took my heart and ripped it to pieces. Yet it's not only her face I see; while she's not there in person, I see my daughter's face in the woman's too. Laurie's face, the face I've been dying to see but couldn't bring myself to look at. Immediately, we lock eyes – her blue-green ones speaking volumes. Dressed completely in black and with as straight of a face as I've seen in ages, she walks toward us. Not knowing what to do, I panic.

"Meredith I am so sorry," I manage, while she just gives me a confused look. "Addison, what are you doing here?" I leave out the remainder of my question, where is Laurie?

"Well you'd know if you'd bothered to return any one of my phone calls," she turns to Meredith. "Hi, I'm Addison Shepherd."

"Shepherd?" Meredith inquires, somewhat nervously.

"Mmm, and you must be the woman who's been screwing my husband."

Interesting evening indeed.

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**Reviews are most welcomed! Just please be kind...haha. Chapter 12 to come soon :)**


	12. Chapter 12

**A/N: Here's chapter 12 for you all. I gotta say, I'm starting to wish Addison actually had a teenage daughter on the show, because I think she would be a really great mom to a girl who's just trying to get through those difficult years in one piece. However, if that were the case she probs wouldn't have Henry, so I'm having lots of inner turmoil over how much I wish for Laurie to be real (even though I love that fictional girl to pieces). haha. Basically I just wish Shonda had shipped Addek as hard as I did/still do (seven years later...) so that I wouldn't be having ANY of these issues. Gah. Just ignore me and read on my friends.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything.**

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**Chapter 12**

**Addison's POV**

Two mornings later, a Monday, the first thing that comes to my mind as I lie in bed is once again, Seattle. Realistically, I know that's where Laurie is headed and I know that's where Derek is, so there really should be no question of whether or not I should go there too. However, I can't seem to let go of the nagging thought telling me that Derek doesn't need nor want me anymore. He's moved on – he's got an intern girlfriend after all – and Laurie will somehow get herself to Seattle regardless of if I'm there to greet her or not, and if I am there, how angry will she still be? How angry should I be? Given the kind of mother I've been to Laurie in the past, slightly overprotective due to my not wanting to lose the only child I have left, I should be jumping on a plane as quickly as money will allow (granted that's not something I like to flaunt, but desperate times can call for desperate measures). But I just can't shake those thoughts out of my head: My family will move on without me, in Seattle. Derek and Laurie will have each other, and the intern (I cringe at the thought of my daughter having another mother), and that's all they need.

I sigh as I slowly drag myself out of bed. Making my way downstairs to put on a pot of coffee, I suddenly realize how tired I still feel; sleep really is not an easy thing to come by when your child is God-knows-where crossing the country. As I stand at the counter waiting for the pot to start, alone since Archer went home last night (of course with the promise to come back if I choose to leave), I think about calling into work. Seattle or no Seattle, there's no way I'm ready to go into the hospital today. I'll just say it's a family issue, they'll understand, and if I have to play the "I'm the best in my field, are you really going to fire me when I can easily go elsewhere?" card, then I will. Picking up my phone (still with no calls from Laurie), I dial.

"_This is Dr. Taylor_," I hear my boss and Mt. Sinai's Chief of Surgery answer.

"Yes hi Peter, this is Addison," I reply.

"_Oh good morning Addison what can I do for you?_"

"I need to take a few days off, for personal reasons, it's…" I take a deep breath. "It's Laurie, she's um, she's not feeling well," I lie. "I took her in over the weekend and her doctor said she needs to be kept inside for a while. It might be bacterial pneumonia, very strange for it being almost summer, I know, but you know with her being at school with all of those germs…I just really need to be at home to take care of her." I have never, ever, lied to my boss before, well, unless you count the "sick" days Derek and I used to take when Laurie would go away to summer soccer camp for two weeks…

"_Alright, you can take the week,_" I can hear him sighing in the background; having known Laurie since she was about two, I know he worries when something goes wrong with her, which makes me feel even worse. "_Make sure the little munchkin gets to feeling better and let me know when you're able to return_," he says.

"Al-alright, thank you Peter, I really appreciate it," I reply.

"_Take care, Addison._"

"I will, goodbye," and with that we hang up. There's one obstacle out of the way.

After showering, I dress in dark jeans and a mid-sleeved button-up shirt and put my hair up in a clip; "at least I look somewhat presentable," I tell myself. Not knowing what to do next, I figure I'd go spend some time in the basement – if reading through medical textbooks helps my daughter de-stress, then why wouldn't it for me? However, as I'm downstairs walking towards the basement stairwell, I see Saturday's mail sitting underneath the slot in the door; I had forgotten to look through it when it came. Stopping myself, I curiously head over and pick up the letters. Flipping through them, I notice that most of the pile is junk; that is until I reach the one at the very bottom and drop everything I am holding. The letter on the bottom is from Laurie.

I shriek and run over to the living room to sit down and read it. The first thing I notice is that on the front it is postmarked from New York, meaning she must have written it before she left. My hands shaking, I tear open the letter.

_Dear Mom,_

_By the time you get this letter, I will be making my way to Seattle. I know there must be a thousand things going through your head right now, like first off, why am I going to Seattle in the first place? Now it's honesty time. Right after our fight earlier today, you got a call at the house from a Dr. Richard Webber asking you to help with a TTTS case at Seattle Grace Hospital; but not only did he ask about the case, he also said that Dad was there, as in working there. I realize that I probably could have thought this through better, but as soon as I heard he was there, it was like I had found him – like there was this big black hole in my life where my dad used to be that could suddenly be filled again, and the only thing I could think about was just getting to him. I am currently sitting in the terminal at the train station, waiting to get on a train that will take me to Chicago, which is the farthest I can go from here before having to change routes. _

_I hope you understand me when I tell you that while I was, and still am slightly, upset with you, my leaving now has a lot more to do with my needing to get to Dad, than needing to get away from you. He left because he is hurt. Regardless of all of his absences in our lives prior to that night, what you did hurt him at a level I don't think either of us can comprehend right now. And I know this may sound unfair to you, but I don't think he understood at all the depth in which he hurt you, which unfortunately is your only justification for doing what you did. So I need to go, I need to find him and help him, both to heal and to understand that it's up to him as well to fix our family. I am not giving up before the three of us can be together and happy again, like it used to be. I should mention too though, that a part of me taking this journey also has to do with a need to further understand myself – these past few months, they…well they haven't been very easy for me, and I realize I haven't been very open about it, but that's only because you and Dad have had your own issues to work through before bringing me into the mix. Anyway, my point is that I have been hurting too, and hopefully my leaving will help me heal. Hopefully my going to Seattle will allow me to give myself a fresh start._

_Before I end this letter, there are some other things I need to be honest with you about, besides just going to Seattle to be with Dad. What I was trying to tell you earlier today – about the abortion and the baby – was really serious, Mom. I'm not trying to blame you for being "uninformed" about my life, because I was the one who chose to hide everything from you, but today I really needed you to listen, once you found those papers. I am just going to come out and say this, to get it out of the way: I did not want to have sex with Logan. I thought I did, for maybe a minute, but before I could stop it, it just happened. And I know that's what always gets said and that it sounds like a cop-out, but honestly, I don't know how else to put it. All throughout our relationship and even before we started dating, I was convinced that Logan would never make me do anything I wasn't comfortable with, in terms of sex or really anything for that matter, but I was wrong. Unfortunately, I didn't find out just how wrong I was until the night I lost my virginity. You and Dad were both at the hospital working late, so he came over for a little while. We were, you know, kissing…a lot…when suddenly he hinted that he wanted more. So, despite my outward pleas and screaming conscience, I gave him more, and in return (despite using a condom) he gave me a baby, a baby that I knew from the get-go I could not keep. _

_I think you'd be the first to agree with me that no 16-year-old is ready to be a mother; hell, some middle-aged women aren't even ready to be mothers. I did think about telling you and Dad, at first, but given my history with Dad on the subject of boys, I knew he would _not_ react well to finding out that his only daughter had gotten pregnant at 16. If I had told you, well, I knew you would have told him, and to be honest, I would not have been comfortable asking you to keep a secret like that from him anyway. I hope it doesn't make me sound like a terrible person when I tell you that I did not even ponder the thought of giving up the baby for adoption; no, my mind went straight to an abortion. I want to play soccer for Stanford, I am an honor student, and I have (well had) a boyfriend, who didn't even find out about this by the way. Everything was just too complicated and there was no way I could carry a baby to term and not hate myself every single day of that nine months. I suppose I should take the time to thank you now for raising me to believe that women always have a choice, and even if society doesn't agree with that choice, what a woman does with her body is _her_ business. If it weren't for you teaching me that, I don't think I would have been able to save myself the way that I did. _

_If you have any feelings towards the fact that I opted out of coming to you in the first place, don't. I didn't tell any family. The only people who knew were Han, Bella, and Megan. Getting the abortion in Connecticut was Han's idea (well the abortion part was mine, the rest hers); she knew I didn't want anyone else to find out, and by the time we got up there I was already around eight to ten weeks along, and I couldn't wait any longer. I should tell you again though, I did not tell Logan about this either, so if you're thinking him not telling you was some big crime, you're wrong. He had nothing to tell because he really did not know anything about my pregnancy. However, our break-up, it wasn't just that we didn't want the same things anymore, Mom. After that night, Logan, he…well he kept wanting more, except he got more aggressive about it because he knew I gave it to him, so to speak, once before. He kept asking when he could come over again, or if I wanted to go over to his place because his parents were out of town or something. I knew I wasn't ready to do it again for a while, and while I liked him before as my boyfriend, I did _not_ like the person he was becoming. So I kept making excuses as to why he couldn't, or I couldn't, come over, and sometimes, I would just flat out refuse him. The day after I found out I was pregnant and decided on an abortion, Logan broke up with me because I was refusing to have sex with him again. Now obviously, I have endured worse heartaches in life besides a high school break-up, but this one hurt badly, like a knife into my chest that stabbed right through any shred of self-esteem I had in me. _I_ should have been the one breaking up with _him,_ but instead I sat back and endured it too long, and took the hit. I never thought I would end up being the girl a guy just wants for sex, but as it turns out, I was, and I didn't even know it and no amount of tears I shed would change it._

_I am sorry I didn't come to you, but now you know the whole truth. I am not just some slut who goes out, sleeps around, and gets pregnant. I made a mistake, yes, but it does not define me. You made a mistake too, but it does not define you. I am not a slut, you are not a cheater. We both just, slipped I guess you could say, and I am so sorry that everything I did added so much extra stress, but you had to know the truth. I don't have much longer to write, as the train is going to start boarding in a few minutes, but I want to end this letter on a positive note. I hope you know that I love you very much, and that I will always love you, no matter what names you spit at me, or how angry we get with one another. You'll always be my one and only mommy no matter what. _

_Love, Laurie_

By the time I finish reading, my shaking has become almost uncontrollable and I am crying. _How_ could I have been so stupid? Laurie had been going through her own personal hell for months, and I was too selfishly caught up in my own marital issues to notice. Never mind that she didn't tell me, I am her _mother_, her "one and only mommy," I should know when there is something not right with her. Unfortunately, for Laurie's entire life I have done my very best, aside from when Rinny died, to conceal my tears and my problems from her. Although sometimes I may have failed, I however did not fail in passing down to my offspring the ability to conceal serious emotions, and now I feel as though I will regret that for the rest of my life. It pains me more than almost anything else in the world to imagine my daughter believing that I think her a slut – I should _not_ have said that. I was just so worked up, and what with Derek being M.I.A and all of those issues I was facing, it just came out. I was angry that Laurie did what she did, so I jumped to conclusions and didn't even let her speak. Now, I don't even want to ponder the thought that if I had just let her get a word in, she may still be here in New York with me; her being God-knows-where in the US instead is all my fault.

Until this point, I haven't even fully processed Laurie and Logan's break up, mostly because I don't want to face the anger that bubbles inside my very core. That complete, _complete_, prick! Here was this wonderful, sweet, and kind young lady who liked a boy – a nice looking boy who played soccer and was a good student, basically everything she looked for in a guy. He sweet-talked her, told her how great she was, how beautiful, how smart, and she believed him; and with each kiss, she would believe him more and more. When the time came and he wanted more, never mind that she didn't, he knew by then that she was not going to openly say no, at least not right away. One of the things I love most about Laurie is her ability to care for others, and give them help when they need it. Saying no to Logan would have "hurt" him, and being Laurie, she wasn't about to let that happen, and again Logan knew that. So he used her; he used my baby and then when she finally stood up for herself and said no, this is not what I want, he dumped her. Oh what I wouldn't give to hold Laurie in my arms right now and tell her how sorry I am, and how none of this is her fault.

Before I can no longer stand all of the emotions flowing through me, I throw the letter onto the coffee table, quickly stand up, and march toward the front door. Grabbing my purse and car keys, I know exactly where I am headed.

**30 minutes later**

Never mind how long it took to get there, I am still fuming. Slamming my car door, I walk up to Logan's house. Not giving a damn about formalities at this point, I ring the doorbell twice, and forcefully. As if by sheer luck, the exact person I want to see answers the door.

"Dr. Shepherd," Logan looks surprised to see me, and thank God he didn't just call me Addison, I think to myself. "What are y-"

I interrupt him. "Logan, are your parents at home right now?" I ask, I can tell he already senses that I'm angry.

"N-no, why do you ask?" he stutters.

"Good well then, let's talk," I push past him to stand in the foyer, and he closes the door nervously.

"You little _fucking prick_!" I seethe, staring right into his eyes. I just can't wait to tear him a new one. "How could you do this to my daughter? My sweet, kind, and beautiful daughter who never did anything to hurt you; you with your selfish, _selfish_ needs and desire to further hurt a girl who was dealing with enough on her own! You knew, _you knew_ she wasn't ready to have sex, yet you forced her to do it anyway!"

"Dr. Shepherd, I-" But I don't let him finish.

"Ohh no, no no, you do not get to talk here. I am doing the talking here, because apparently Laurie had no one to stick up for her, after all of those times she told you _no, she was not ready to have sex_. Did you know that she was pregnant?" He gapes at me. "Yes, you and your raging teenage hormones got my daughter pregnant, and she didn't even feel comfortable enough to tell you! She knew…she knew you only wanted her for sex; there was no way you would have wanted a baby. And before you ask, she aborted it, so relax. You and your precious life style are safe. Meanwhile, Laurie is now _missing_, yes I have no idea where she is, and it's partly because of what _you_ did to her. What kind of person are you? Who dumps a girl because she won't sleep with him when he wants her to?"

"Wait, she's…she's missing?" he asks, clearly unable to answer my last two questions.

"While I notice you chose to ignore my questions, yes, yes she is missing," I reply coldly. "As of last Friday night and I have yet to find her. But don't worry your pretty little head about it, since she obviously meant nothing to you. That's your loss, because you're never going to find anyone better than Laurie. Oh, and the next time you think about breaking a completely wonderful girl's heart, you better think about who her mother is first."

"What do you mean who-"

But before he can finish I take my hand and slap him hard across the face, leaving him to stumble backwards as I walk back out the front door. Getting into my car and speeding off, I know what my next move is. I am getting a plane ticket and I am going to Seattle. Nothing can stop me now.

**10 hours later**

I sit in a cab on my way to Seattle Grace Hospital, after telling the airport to deliver my luggage to the hotel I'm staying at. Having called Richard (who apparently is admitted to this hospital after some minor surgery) and agreeing to take on the TTTS case while I was waiting in my terminal at JFK, there's no turning back now. Also, thanks to Richard I now have access to Derek's new pager number, which I have called several times already today, all with no answer. I would bet my trust fund he just knew it was my number. Dressed in all black, my best Prada, and four-inch heels, I do my best to look strong – like nothing can break me, despite having never felt so broken in my life. I'm not expecting to see Derek right away; after all it's getting late and tonight is only about checking in with Richard. I plan on "checking in" with Derek later, and by later I mean tomorrow when I can muster enough energy to stand up for more than 15 minutes at a time. I don't even know how the encounter will play out, although I have some idea that it will start with him getting angry. "I can handle the angry," I tell myself, "the most important thing is just to tell him that one, Laurie is missing, and two, that she is coming to him." Once the cab pulls up to the front doors, I step out, my heels clicking on the sidewalk. Standing up as straight as possible and with a serious expression, I make my way inside. Much to my dismay however, the first person, or people, I see, is none other than my husband…with his intern. I can hear them talking with one another in the distance.

"You trying to, uh, get me drunk so you can take advantage of me?" I hear Derek ask, and immediately I have to block the tears from entering my eyes.

"I think I like this rules thing," the woman giggles as Derek helps her into her jacket, exactly how he used to do for me.

"Me too," he replies, turning towards me. By now I am just standing there, watching them. Derek and I lock eyes, his immediately speaking volumes. Taking a deep breath and putting on the bravest face I can muster, I walk forward, stilettos clicking on the waiting room floor. For some reason, I feel as though a certain strength has suddenly come over me – I can confront Derek, I can confront this woman; I can do this.

"Meredith I am so sorry," he manages. So that's her name. Meredith. "Addison, what are you doing here?" he asks me once I reach him. Where's the remainder of your question – where is Laurie? I want to retort.

"Well you'd know if you'd bothered to return any one of my phone calls," I turn to Meredith. "Hi, I'm Addison Shepherd."

"Shepherd?" she inquires nervously.

In my entire life, I have never been in a social position where I am able to say exactly what I want to say exactly when I want to say it, until now. "Mmm, and you must be the woman who's been screwing my husband?" Thanks to that sudden breakthrough, all hell breaks loose.

The woman called Meredith's jaw drops just about as far as it'll go before hitting the ground. I stand there, still straight-faced, waiting for an explosion from her – anything from "YOU'RE MARRIED!" to a bunch of names I'd prefer not to say out loud. However, she does neither of those things; instead, she does what I least expect her to do. She turns around without saying a word and walks away. Derek, I can tell, desperately wants to run after her, but for some reason he ignores that urge and turns to look at me, his ice blue eyes menacing. Determined not to back down and lose it, I hold my ground and don't dare drop his gaze.

"Addison what are you doing here?" he asks me again, more forcefully.

Choosing to ignore him in an attempt to delay the real issue, I respond with some irrelevant comment. "Your hair's different."

"A lot of things are different," he spits back at me. Well clearly.

"It's longer; I like it, it's very Russell Crowe." I really have no idea where I'm going with this, but I still refuse to let up.

"What are you doing here?" He's almost shouting now.

Okay, fine. "What are you doing here? You just pick up and leave everything? Your house, your practice, your friends, your _daughter_? You had a life in Manhattan."

"Had," he states pointedly. I try my best not to wince, hoping that response had nothing to do with Laurie.

"And now you have a girlfriend in Seattle. She seems…sweet." What the hell, let's talk about the…girlfriend.

"The ice you're on. Thin." I can tell I'm really pushing his buttons.

"She's young; that whole wide-eyed, ooh he's-a-brain-surgeon thing happening, but still sweet, which is what you were going for, right? The anti-Addison?" Except not really, if you think back to Med. School when all of my husband's talk of becoming a world-class neurosurgeon used to make me incredibly turned-on.

"If you came out here to try to win me back, you can forget about it."

"I did. I flew all the way across the country to reminisce over wedding photos, get drunk, fall into bed, and make you realize you can't live without me," I'm so tired, the sarcasm comes almost effortlessly to me now. "Relax. Derek, I'm here for…work. I'm here for work. I'm helming the TTTS case you guys admitted last week and from Richard's briefing, I should be-"

"Richard knew you were coming out here?" He interrupts me.

"He asked me to come, didn't he tell you?"

"No he didn't," Derek replies angrily. "And where is my daughter, Addison?" Ah, the actual issue at hand here. The time to talk about Laurie came a little bit earlier than expected.

"Oh, now you want to know where Laurie is? You've seemed to be okay with not knowing exactly where she's been over the past few weeks, what with leaving her in New York without a word otherwise." I can see him flinch at that comment; in my heart of hearts I know leaving Laurie at the brownstone with me was probably one of the hardest things Derek has ever done. But before he can respond, I continue with a more intense tone, almost as if Laurie is strengthening me, from wherever she is. "That kid has missed you so much Derek, more than I think she would ever miss me if I were to run away without even telling her where I was going. She finished her sophomore year of high school last Friday," I swallow, trying not to get emotional about that day all over again, "and all she wanted to do was to come home and tell her dad about it, but he was gone. I've barely been able to get her to talk, she's not herself. And I know, Derek I know, it's…it's my fault, but you leaving…you leaving hurt her just as much. But Derek, she's been through so much that we didn't know about, and now she's…she's m-"

"Well Addison I hate to be the one to state the obvious here," he interrupts again, "but if you'd somehow found the power within you to _not_ sleep with my best fr-"

"Derek!" I shout, pulling him out the front doors of the hospital and into the night air. I don't want to talk about Mark right now; this is so not about Mark. "Okay, I didn't just come here for work. I came here because…I need to tell you that Laurie, she left, last Friday, and without telling me. She's…she's missing, Derek. She's missing, but she's making her way here; to Seattle, to you."

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**Next chapter, you'll get to hear from Laurie again. It's a doozy. Now...I love reviews, yes I do! I love reviews, how 'bout you? Okay, I'm tired. Thanks so much for reading! :)**


	13. Chapter 13

**A/N: This chapter was another interesting/tough one to write. Let me just say ahead of time that I still love Laurie. Oh, and thank you all for the lovely reviews and feedback for this story so far :)**

***Warning: This chapter is rated M. Also, I just wanted to give a warning in advance for anyone who may be survivors of sexual assault.***

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything.**

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**Chapter 13**

**Lauren's POV**

_Everything happens so fast I barely have any time to process; the hand over my mouth, the twisting back of my arms, sending my cell phone flying out of my hand onto the ground shattering into a dozen pieces, and the slimy sound of Marcus' voice in my ear_.

"_You didn't think you could escape me that easily, did you Sweet Thing_?"

I and everyone around me are moving in slow motion. With a tight grip I can feel one of Marcus' hands cover my mouth, and the other wrap around my middle as he lifts me up off the ground. I try to scream and kick my legs, but with every movement his grip just becomes tighter. I can hear the two men surrounding us talking, but their words sound jumbled and I'm so panicked that I can barely make them out.

"…get her over here…"

"…we gotta move fast!"

I have no idea where they're taking me, but something tells me that no amount of struggle I emit will stop them. I keep kicking and screaming, the tears starting to run down my face as I realize what's happening – I'm being abducted. Immediately both my belongings and I are thrown into the back of a van. As soon as Marcus' hand leaves my mouth I let out a scream, hoping, praying that someone will hear me. But to my dismay, no one does. I can't see out the windows of the van, as they've been boarded up, but from what I can tell through the open door we are in an alleyway. Not a second after I scream, I feel Marcus' hand slap me hard across the face and then hear him whisper as he pulls hard on my hair that if I ever want to see the light of day again I will keep my goddamn mouth shut. He climbs in the back with me while the other two men take the front. We drive for what in my mind feels like eternity but is probably only about 30 minutes. Hopefully, hopefully, we are still somewhere near Fargo.

By now there is duct tape both covering my mouth and taping my hands behind my back. I try to ignore the intense pain in my shoulders that's telling me if I move them one more inch backwards they will rip right out of their sockets. Sitting there limp and numb, I realize how hot and sticky the inside of the van is; that and its abnormally pungent smell are making me feel sick to my stomach. How many other girls have been tortured in here? And am I ever going to get out?

Eventually, we pull over only God knows where and immediately the three men get out (keeping me shut in) and start negotiating with one another. I listen as intently as I can through the door, while at the same time trying to figure out how to untie my hands from behind my back.

"…only one of us can have this one!" I hear Marcus shout to the man who was driving. "You remember how close of a call last time was!" I feel myself go pale; last time? The three of them continue to argue outside, spitting words at one another that I can barely make out. The only thing I know now is that at least one of them is going to try and…no. I can't even think about it. Feeling the sweat drip down my back and the tendons in my shoulders twinge with pain again, I breathe heavily and start to look around frantically for a way to untie myself. My eyes landing on the bag carrying Winston, I start to cry almost involuntarily. I wonder what Mom and Dad are doing right now, if Mom has found out about Dad being in Seattle, and if she's decided to go to him, just as I have. She _must_ have gotten my letter by now; at least I hope she has. She needed to know the absolute truth about me, and I needed to know that I didn't have a mother who thought I was just like all the rest of those slutty teenage girls. I don't want to ponder just yet the notion that I might not ever see either one of them again – because who knows if I will be able to get myself out of this – the thought of that alone kills me. But now I have to be strong. If I ever want to get out of here and run into Dad's arms or fall asleep with my head in Mom's lap again, I need to pull myself together.

Believing to have been seatbelted in all this time, it's not until I almost fall off my seat that I notice I'm not strapped down. That's just it though, that's my answer – _the seatbelt_. Scooting over a couple inches, I try my best to angle the tape around my hands in a way that will rip it against the portion of the belt that's attached to the seat. Once angled, I pull as hard as my body will allow me to against it. However, once I start I realize how bad of an idea that is, as the pain in my shoulders is now making me moan against the tape over my mouth. Stopping to make sure no one heard me, I think again; how am I going to get this tape ripped without pulling against it?

A couple minutes and several up-and-down sawing motions later, the tape around my hands is ripped enough to where I can pull them apart when needed. Ironically though, just as I reach success, Marcus slams open the van door. Immediately going limp with my arms behind my back like I was before, I do my best not to let on that I've partially freed myself. Apparently, he's the one who won the negotiation, because I can hear (and see through the opened door), the other two men walking away. I can also see outside the door that we are literally out in the middle of nowhere. I don't know if we are even remotely close to a freeway, since all I can see is grass. Tall, brown and green grass, and everything around us is flat. Noticing my tear-stained face, Marcus sneers.

"Does the little girl want her mommy and daddy? What are you scared or somethin'?" he laughs. "Well you ain't goin' nowhere, not if I can help it lady. We're friends now, remember?"

Shoving me backwards so that I'm lying on my back over where the very back seats of the van should be, I move my hands a little so that the blow to my shoulders is minimized. However, a wave of dizziness passes through as the back of my head bangs hard against the floor. I try and kick my legs as I realize Marcus is coming to hover over me, but with my dizziness and his strong hands wrapped around my ankles, I'm stuck. I scream again as loudly as I can with the tape over my mouth, and take another solid blow to the face as well as a kick to the stomach. This time, I can taste the blood in my mouth, making me gag as I'm forced to swallow it; all the while I can feel myself getting dizzy all over again from having the wind knocked out of me, and not being able to get enough oxygen through just my nose.

"_Shut the fuck up_!" he spits at me with gritted teeth. "You're mine."

I think if I were ever to be asked about this situation in the future, there would be no words to adequately describe how terrified I was…am. He shoves my legs, now powerless, behind him, and I can hear the fabric of my yoga pants rip as he pulls them down. I want to move my arms, my legs, my anything, and just run as far away from here as possible, but I'm still stuck and I feel like I can't breathe. This has to be some kind of nightmare. This can't be happening to me; this can't…

I scream again, arching my back as he shoves two fingers inside of me, while using the other hand to pull my hair, holding my head down. He moves in deeper; I don't think I've ever experienced so much pain in my life. It's almost blinding – the kind of pain that makes you wonder if you're really headed for the other side.

"That's a good girl…" I hear him whisper in my ear as he moves his other hand off of my hair and shoves it up my shirt, his long fingernails scratching me.

I feel sick. I have to stop the pain, I have to fight, and I have to get out of here. As I lie there, I think of everyone I love: Mom, Dad, Rinny, my Shepherd family, my Uncle Archer, Bizzy and the Captain on a good day, and all of my friends. I have to get back to all of them – I need them. Focusing on their faces, my sister's in particular, I feel a certain strength come over me. As soon as I notice Marcus attempting to take his pants off, I push the pain aside and rip my hands apart underneath me as hard as I can. As soon as they're free, I pull as hard as I can on the back of Marcus' hair, my first attempt at getting off of me.

"What the…?" Is all he has time to say before I lift up my right leg and jab the heel of my Converse into his lower back. "You little bitch!" he shouts at me, clearly surprised at my newfound strength. I take my right leg again and kick him square in the stomach, making him double over and get off me, allowing me to sit, rip the tape off of my mouth, and pull my torn yoga pants up as best I can.

"No. No," I pant. "You're not going to win this. YOU'RE NOT GOING TO WIN THIS!" I'm yelling now. "YOU CAN'T HAVE ME!" Suddenly, Irene's words come back to me and I begin spewing them out with as much force as possible; "there are plenty of people out there who will find a sweet girl with a pretty face and use her only for their own personal gain, completely disregarding her feelings. Well, I'm not that girl," I spit. "I am not _your girl_!"

Before he regains strength, I swing my left arm as hard as I can and aim straight for Marcus' face. Unfortunately, right as soon as my fist gets to his face he grabs it and twists my arm so hard I fall down and almost bite through my lip to keep from screaming again.

"Oh no," he sneers. "You think you can escape me Sweet Thing?" He's getting up now, as there's enough space for the two of us to crawl around back here. Realizing that since he has a hold of my arm and I've fallen, I won't be able to kick him again; instead, I plunge my face forward and bite his arm as hard as I can. Gagging slightly from the feeling of my teeth tearing through human flesh, I hear him scream as he pulls his arm back and off of me. Taking advantage, I stand, hunched over, and limbs flailing I just hit and kick him as much as I can. Then, I notice the crowbar that's lying underneath one of the seats. Using my right foot, I slide it out and, shaking, I raise it up as high as I can. By now Marcus is in pain; he looks up at me.

"I…I told you. You."

Swing, right into his side.

"Can't."

Swing again.

"Have."

Swing again.

"ME!"

If Marcus isn't unconscious now he will be shortly. I am smart enough to know I didn't kill him, he's just injured badly. For a split second I stand there with my mouth open, unable to believe what I just did; I hurt another person, something I didn't even know I was capable of. Snapping myself out of it, I realize that I have to run. _Now_. Grabbing my bags (which are semi-light since I didn't pack very much), I jump out of the van and start running as fast as my shaky legs will carry me.

After five mile posts go by I slow down to a walk. I can feel the adrenaline that's been coursing through my veins start to subside, leaving me to realize how much I _hurt_. I am still along the interstate – as it turns out, in a semi-deserted state like North Dakota, predators can drive young women out west on the freeway and pull off who the fuck knows where to do whatever the fuck they want to them. Who'd have thought? Not that I've really been paying attention, but I'm almost certain no cars have driven by as I've been running either, and even if they did…well, no one wants to pick up a hitchhiker. I try my best to ignore the pain and keep walking; I don't want there to be any chance that Marcus will find me.

**Three hours later**

I'm still walking. But I'm so tired; so, so tired, and my body is screaming at me. And it's getting pretty dark, which is starting to frighten me, as I'm still out in the middle of nowhere west of Fargo and I have no place to go. I'm not even going to mention the fact that I no longer have a phone. I can feel a large lump make its way into my throat as the tears threaten to spill over.

Noticing a large ditch off the side of the freeway, I walk over and stumble, falling into it. Against my better judgment, I allow myself to succumb to my injuries. Both shoulders are sore from being yanked backwards, and I'm pretty sure my left elbow is sprained from the twisting. I'm also fairly certain that my lips and right cheek are swollen from when he…when he hit me. And the pain down there, between my legs that's slowly spreading through my very core and made it almost impossible to walk, that pain I feel will haunt me for a very long time.

Pulling my almost-empty water bottle from my bag, I hear my stomach growl. Despite all of the nauseating events of today, I haven't eaten in almost 24 hours (again) and I am starving. Digging back through my bag, I discover that I am out of food, save for one granola bar and one more sandwich. When I had packed back in New York, I had not really anticipated being stranded on the freeway in the middle of North Dakota, without my phone and with only $20 to my name; I thought that I would be able to get to Seattle within two to three days. After almost inhaling the sandwich, I pull out Winston again, curl up into a ball, and allow myself to cry, deep heavy sobs. What had I gotten myself in to? I want my mom and dad. I am literally stranded on the side of the road, I have no idea how far it is until the next town, and I was almost…I just feel like I want to die out here.

Suddenly missing my sister, I ponder the thought of death. Rinny died, and it broke my heart (and Mom and Dad's) into pieces. But if I died…I would get to be with her again. I could be with Rinny in a world where there was no more hurt, no more bad guys, and no more parents who made things too complicated. I could be six years old again, running through the grass barefoot with my other half, laughing without a care in the world. Oh, what I wouldn't give to just see my sister again, to hear her laugh, to put on a stupid dress to go to one of her tea parties, and to feel like nothing could hurt me so long as I had her by my side.

"I miss you Katherine," I choke out, using her full name. "Why did you leave me? I need you…we were supposed to be together forever!" I cry some more. All of the sudden I feel a chill go down my spine, but not in a bad way. Rather, it's in a way that lets me know that I'm not alone, as if it's Rinny telling me that I'm not alone – that I'm never alone, and that I _can_ keep going. Squeezing my bear tighter, I take deep breaths and sniff, trying to calm down. I feel a breeze start to blow through, making the tall grass ripple. Not wanting to walk any more tonight, I lay there, every muscle in my body throbbing and shaking. Pulling out the sleeping back that miraculously stayed attached to my camping backpack ("I guess the one thing I _have_ lucked out on while on this journey is my luggage…" I tell myself out loud), I maneuver as slowly as I can so that I'm lying inside of it. Curling up one last time for the night, I let my eyes close, with nothing but the sounds of the grass rippling and thunder in the distance to let me know that I'm still alive.


	14. Chapter 14

**A/N: Really quickly, I went back and tweaked some of my previous chapters; Derek has been gone from New York for just over a month, rather than just three weeks, like the story was before. I kept going over that stretch of time in my head again and again and I just felt like it was too short. I would have changed it to two months but with everything else that went on in the story that wouldn't have worked very well. Anyway, here's chapter 14. Enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything.**

* * *

**Chapter 14**

**Lauren's POV**

When I wake up early the next morning from my surprisingly dreamless sleep, I notice two things. One, I am soaked, and two, everything hurts. Lying there in the ditch inside my sleeping bag, my teeth start to chatter and I'm shivering. It must have rained last night; either that or someone came and dumped a bucket of ice water on top of me without my noticing. However, I don't think the second option is very likely, since there is still no one in sight. I make a silent prayer for the temperature to spike at some point today. Thinking that I'd better get myself moving if I want to warm up at all, I turn over inside my sleeping bag. Moaning as I accidentally put too much pressure on my injured elbow, I look up at the slightly overcast sky. "I have to keep moving," I tell myself out loud. "I have to find someone to help me."

Taking a few more deep breaths, I sit up. Immediately, the pain…_down there_…begins to throb. I look down; both inside my sleeping bag and down the insides of my pant legs are steady trails of blood, almost as if I had gotten my period for the first time. But I know that's not the case – this time, it's serious. Now, I have seen enough images of blood in my lifetime to not feel at all squeamish around it, but as I'm looking down and allowing my brain to process that this is _my_ blood (as a result of something I wish I could erase from my mind forever), I feel a strong wave of nausea come through. Crawling out of the bag and onto all fours as quickly as possible, I empty out the meager contents of my stomach, shuddering as the sour taste of bile burns through my throat. Once the nausea passes and I'm through heaving, I sit back and think. I need to clean myself up (and obviously I need to be examined, but we'll get to that later…) and I need to get out of here.

As I slowly stand up and rummage through my bag for some clean clothes, I try my best not to let my mind wander to the horrors of yesterday, and to the fact that the clothes I slept in last night still reek of my assault. Ducking down, I change into my jeans and shirt I was wearing the day I left New York. After using what little water I have left to rinse off the insides of my legs, I feel the lump return to my throat when I realize that the clothes I am now stepping into still smell slightly of home.

_Home_. It sounds like such a nice word right now, but given how much worse of a situation I am in now, in comparison to the Chicago Union Station the other day, I choose not to reminisce over what I would be doing if I were…_home_. Falling back onto the grass and returning my gaze to the clouds, I think. No, right now I am nowhere near home. I am…as much as I don't want to admit it…I am lost.

**12 years ago**

"Be careful!" my four-year-old self hears Mom call out from the shore, as Dad runs into the water holding Rinny in one arm and me in the other, the both of us with our arms wrapped around his neck. "Don't worry Addie I got them," Dad chuckles as he lowers himself into the water far enough for my sister and I to get our bare feet and legs wet.

"Daddy that's cold!" Rinny shrieks; regardless of her arm floaties, she has never been one for the water – that was another one of my things. No, right before coming in here, Rinny made Dad _promise_ not to let her go, _ever_.

"Of course it's cold, goof ball, why do you think Mom didn't want to come in?" Dad smirks and I notice him send a wink in Mom's direction, to which she responds by sticking her tongue out and making me giggle. These vacations to the lake have always been my favorite; just the four of us, twice every summer, would drive upstate to a little lake in the woods, where we had a cabin built entirely out of wood. It was small, homey, and even with it being summer, when the fire was lit in the fireplace at night, there was no place I would rather be than snuggled under a blanket with Mom, Dad, and Rinny.

"I don't like it, I'm scared," I hear my sister whisper to Dad, not wanting me to know. Given how close the two of us are, I can tell it makes her sad when she can't bring herself to love something as much as I do.

"Oh, you don't need to be scared Rin," Dad whispers back to her, kissing her temple and then turning his head slightly towards me, still resting on his other hip. "You see Laurie? Well, she's gonna swim for us," he says, nodding at me and smiling. "When I let her go, she's gonna swim around and show you that you've got nothing to be afraid of."

"But won't she sink?" Rinny asks nervously.

"Nope, see, she's got her arm floaties on just like you, so she can swim around as much as she wants," Dad turns to me. "You ready, Buddy?" he asks.

"Yep!" I tell him. "Watch me, Rin!" And just like that I release myself from Dad's embrace and start swimming.

"Be careful Laurie!" I hear my sister shout, protectively. She's just like Mom.

"I am being careful!" I shout back, swimming around and finally, with my arms still afloat, dunking my head under to get my hair wet. As I come up I hear Rinny shriek.

"Laurie!" she calls out my name.

"I'm fine, see?" I swim back over to her and Dad. "You just gotta hold your breath, silly! So you don't breathe in the water!" I tell her as I float next to them.

"You see? She's just fine!" Dad says as he tickles Rinny's belly, making her smile. "So you think you can do it?" he asks, still tickling her and making her squirm.

"Yes, yes I can do it Daddy stop!" Rinny shouts in between giggles. By now I'm laughing too, just watching the two of them.

"That's what I thought you said!" Dad laughs, as he pulls his tickling hand away. "Come here, Laurie, we're gonna teach Rin how to swim together, okay?"

"Okay Daddy," I respond, climbing onto his back and wrapping my arms around his neck again. He's kneeled down so that the water comes up to his bare chest, but it's shallow enough to where Rinny and I could still stand on the bottom.

"Alright Rinny, when Laurie and I count to three, I'm going to move my hands to your sides and turn you onto your belly, so that you have to use your arms to swim forward, okay?"

She takes a deep breath. "But you're not gonna let go, right?!" I can tell how scared Rinny is when I see the tears well up in her eyes, and it makes me sad. Being twins, we have always had this weird connection where we can sense what the other is thinking or feel what the other is feeling. When I cry, she cries. Or when she gets scared, I get scared too.

"Oh no baby, I'm not gonna let you go," Dad says. "I already told you, I would never let you go, not before you're ready." He kisses her temple again and hugs her tighter. "I know you're scared, but we're gonna do this together, okay? I'm right here, Laurie's right here, and Mom is watching right over there," he points to the shore and I notice Mom, who's lying on her back in her bathing suit on a beach towel, propped up on her elbows and smiling at us. "You can do it, sweetheart!" she cheers.

"Okay," she nods, looking up at me for reassurance. As soon as I give her my fullest smile and count to three, Dad moves his hands down to her sides and tilts her forward.

"Okay now paddle your arms!" he tells her. Immediately Rinny starts paddling her arms, one after the other, as hard as she can. After a few strokes, she's almost doing it on her own, as I notice Dad his loosened his grip, remarkably, without Rinny even knowing.

"I'm swimming! Daddy, Mommy I'm really swimming! Look at me!" her happiness and relief just radiating, like the sun against her ebony French braid.

"That's my girl!" Mom smiles from the shore, her eyes glassy.

"I told you you could do it!" Dad laughs, adjusting both Rinny and me back into his arms and against his hips. "Didn't I say there was nothing to be afraid of? Laurie, didn't I say that?" he asks, tickling me and making me squeal. "Yeah you did!" I laugh. The three of us swim around for probably an hour longer before we decide to get out and take a break. As normally as we can we walk out of the water and over to Mom, before immediately tackling her and trying to get her as wet as possible. She shrieks as Dad gets the best of her and scoops her up into his arms, giving her a quick kiss on the lips.

"Derek, don't you dare!" she says, as Dad walks back over to the water to throw her in.

"He's got you Mommy!" Rinny giggles, her and I following them and laughing.

"Do it Daddy!" I shout, and Mom sticks her tongue out again, this time at me.

"On the count of three girls!" he laughs.

"No, Derek!" But by now Mom is laughing too.

"One, two, three!" Rinny and I shout in unison. And with that Mom lands straight into the chilly lake water. Standing up and shivering, Dad envelops her in a hug. "You still love me anyway, don't you Addie?" he smirks, kissing her cheek, and she swats him across the arm as the four of us make our way over to the towels. About a half hour later, both Rinny and I announce that we need to use the bathroom.

"Do you want to just take them to the one right on the path up the hill?" Dad asks Mom, neither one of them wanting to go back to the cabin just yet.

"We can see that one from here!" I say. "We can go by ourselves!" Rinny nods. Mom and Dad exchange glances.

"Okay fine, just come right back here," Mom says.

"Yes Mommy," I reply. The two of us set off on the path just up the hill, when Rinny turns around, looking back at our parents.

"Eww," she turns her head and looks at me, "Mommy and Daddy are _kissing_!" she giggles, making me grateful I didn't turn around and look too.

Once we're finished in the bathroom, my sister and I make our way back down the hill. However, because the lake is surrounded by woods, we had no idea that the path we took to get down the hill was not the same one we took to get up. When we get back to the lake, we are at a completely different spot than our parents.

"Mommy! Daddy!" Rinny shouts. No answer.

"Daddy?" I call out; still no answer. This is strange, where did our parents go? "Rin?" I start. "I don't think Mommy and Daddy are here." Her eyes immediately fill with tears, as do mine.

"Wh-where are they?" she stutters.

"I don't know but we gotta go find them!" I tell her.

An hour later, my sister and I have looked and looked but with no avail. We are lost. Both scared, we decide to stop moving and huddle underneath a tree, wrapping our arms around each other and wearing nothing but our swimsuits (which are completely dry), shorts, and sandals. Not a moment after we huddle together, we hear Dad.

"LAURIE! RINNY!" He's calling for us. Mom's slightly quieter voice comes after.

"Lauren! Katherine!" She uses our full names, something she rarely ever does.

The both of us looking up, we start calling back for Dad.

"DADDY!" Rinny screams. "DADDY!"

We start walking down the path a little ways, and it's then that we see him. Breaking into a run, the two of us collapse into his arms, finally feeling safe again.

"Oh my girls," he says quietly, trying his hardest to stop the tears that are falling down his cheeks. "Thank God you're alright." He hugs us tightly and spins us around. By now Rinny is crying too but I'm trying my hardest to hold it in. "Addison!" Dad calls out, his voice breaking. "Addie, they're okay!" Immediately Mom comes running up to us, tears streaming down her face as well, and when she gets close enough I make my way into her arms and finally let myself cry.

"Oh baby; it's okay I'm right here," she holds me close and kisses my face multiple times. "Where did you two go?!" She asks in between tears.

"We," I choke out, "we walked down the hill and you…you and Daddy were gone!" I cry, burying my face in her neck. Mom squeezes me tighter, and Rinny still clings desperately onto Dad as the four of us just stand there holding one another, Dad with an arm around Mom too, not wanting to talk about the past hour. It's obvious that my sister and I had accidentally gotten lost. Eventually, Rinny breaks the silence.

"Don't cry, Daddy," she says softly. "I love you." She then places a small hand on his cheek and kisses his nose. This was the first time either of us had seen him so upset. He clears his throat.

"I'm sorry Rin," he says, kissing her forehead and rubbing his eyes. "It's just," he pauses. "I told you I'd never let you go, and I let you go. I let you two go. I am so sorry, girls." Dad looks into Mom's red-rimmed eyes and then down into mine, my head resting against Mom's chest. "We thought that you two had…if anyone had tried to…" he can't even finish the sentence.

"It's okay Daddy," Rinny says, resting her forehead against his. "We're all together now."

**Present day**

Silent tears run down my cheeks as I lie there remembering that day. I was lost then too, but eventually Mom and Dad found me. Except this time, they're not going to find me, because even I don't really know where I am. And Rinny, well she is lost to us forever, only to be found in the skies and in my dreams. Pushing myself up off the ground, I tell myself that I have to keep moving, keep heading west until I find help, or another way to Seattle. Rolling up my sleeping bag (promising to wash it later) and leaving behind my soiled clothing, I pick up my bags and start day two of my westward walk.

**Four hours later**

My stomach hurts again, I'm already getting tired, and I don't think it's even noon yet. I must have walked almost 20 miles by now; luckily a road sign about two mile posts back told me that there's a small town not too far from here.

Two mile posts later, I see it. Apparently when they say small town, around here, they mean small like the only thing there is a diner and a broken down gas station. Shit. But what have I got to lose? Maybe someone in the diner could help me, not to mention it might have a functioning bathroom and a phone. Crossing my fingers that I don't look too beaten up on the outside, I push open the door and walk in. Immediately I'm met with a burst of cool air – the building is air-conditioned. There are only two other people besides myself and the four workers inside the diner, which is good because as soon as I see them I start to feel very anxious. I haven't been around anyone since the…since yesterday, but so far I'm not liking it. I walk up to the waitress standing behind the counter – she looks to be about 30.

"Um," I croak. My voice sounds terrible. "Do you have a…a bathroom?" The woman gives me a strange look.

"Yeah, right down that way and to the left," she responds.

"Thank…thank you," I manage. Can I even talk anymore?

Slowly, I make my way down the hall to the bathroom. It's tiny and not exactly what you'd call clean, but at this point I could not care less. Immediately turning on the tap, I fill up my water bottle to the top and then guzzle as much of it as I can. I didn't realize how thirsty I was, so despite the slight taste of iron in the water, I keep drinking until I think I'm going to burst. After washing my face, which luckily isn't too swollen anymore, and reapplying as much deodorant as possible, I give myself a pep talk; _he _isn't here, I'm safe, there's no one here who is going to hurt me. Taking a deep breath, I grab my stuff and head back out.

"Um," I start, talking to the same waitress behind the counter.

"Yes?" she prods.

"Do you have a phone here?" I ask. "I um, I didn't see one back there."

"Right outside to your right. It disconnects a lot, but you're welcome to try," she says.

"O-okay," I stutter and walk out the door. I can tell she probably thinks I'm mentally challenged, but talking does not seem to be my strong suit right now. Noticing the payphone is only 50 cents per call, my heart skips a beat in my chest – I have enough money to call the one person whose voice I've needed to hear for quite a while now. Shoving in two quarters, I dial Mom's cell number as quickly as my fingers will allow.

"Shit," I swear, as the phone disconnects. That's what I get for being out in the middle of nowhere on the freeway apparently. Shoving in two quarters, I try again, and again, and again. On the fourth try, I finally have success in dialing the whole number before the phone disconnects. To my dismay, however, Mom's phone immediately goes to voicemail. Ignoring the tears forming in my eyes, I take in as much of her voice as I can.

"_You've reached Dr. Addison Montgomery Shepherd_," so professional, I think, but then again sometimes her patients need to call her cell. "_I'm unable to answer the phone right now, so leave me your name and number and I will get back to you as soon as possible. Thank you_."

Taking another deep breath, I involuntarily start to cry as I speak. "Mom-" but the phone disconnects again. I want to scream I'm so angry. Slamming the phone back down on the receiver, I give up and slide down the outside wall of the diner. Looking up, I demand aloud "I just want to talk to my mom, is that too much to ask?!" Apparently it is. I sit there crying with my face buried in my hands for a few minutes, until the heat of the day starts to set in and I need to go inside to cool off.

"Can I get a glass of water?" I ask the waitress. I'll take anything besides a refill of the iron-water from the bathroom. Once she hands it to me, I walk over to a booth near the window, plop down, and take out my last granola bar. What the hell, I'm not going anywhere anytime soon. Maybe dying of eventual starvation is how I'm supposed to go, that way once I get to heaven I can just eat and eat and eat forever…

I sit there and wallow in my own self-pity for another hour or so, when suddenly I hear a car pull up and then the bell that's attached to the door ring. When I look up, I see a boy not too much older than me walk in, with the most beautiful hazel eyes and wavy brown hair I have ever seen. For a moment he looks familiar to me, like we've met before but a long time ago or something. No, that's not possible; why would I run into a boy I know all the way out in the middle of nowhere North Dakota?! Shaking it off, I sit back and watch him from the corner of my eye. Giving the waitress behind the counter a charming smile, he walks up.

"Hey, do you uh, got anything around here that's not deep fried or covered with grease?" he asks.

Hmm, a wise guy and a health freak all in one, I'll take it. He continues.

"Normally I wouldn't ask, you know, being the newcomer in this lovely little small town of yours, but you see I'm on the soccer and track teams at school and can't afford to be-"

But by now I've stopped listening. _Soccer AND track teams_?! Holy crap.

Interrupting me from my daydreaming, I see him sit down at the booth in front of me, in the seat farthest away, yet facing me. For some reason, being within such a close distance to this guy isn't making me as anxious as the woman did earlier, which is weird because my attacker was a…yeah. There's just something about the familiarity of him that makes me feel a little better. I self-consciously run a hand through my wavy red hair, making sure it's not sitting at every which angle. Stopping myself, I think "what am I doing?!" What is wrong with me? I internally chide myself before my eyes involuntarily look up, straight into his hazel ones.

"Hi," he says to me with a smile.

"Oh," I back down sheepishly, "hi."

"Kind of dreary out here isn't it?" he asks, making me look around to make sure he didn't just offend anyone.

"Uhh…yeah," I say. Giving him a small smile I ask from across booths, "What, what brings you out here?" With that he comes over to sit across from me; his foot accidentally bumps my leg as he's sitting down and it takes everything within my power not to jump a mile. I'm not ready for any guy to touch me, even by accident…and who knows if I ever will be.

"Sorry," he says qouickly. "Well, I'm actually on my way back to school. Gotta spend most of the summer there; since I'm on the soccer team we've got training camps and stuff, oh and of course the camps for the little kids. Those are my favorite," he tells me. "I may not be the teaching type in the classroom, but when you're out on the field, we're all equal you know? It's like, I was there once too, looking up to those big college guys, only wishing that I could end up like them one day. Teaching them, it's the best."

As I sit there I try not to stare at him with too much awe; I know exactly how he feels. I may not be in college yet, but I've been to enough Columbia University soccer camps, and even one down at the University of North Carolina, to be only too familiar with that feeling of childish adoration. I suddenly miss the feeling of a ball between my cleats more than ever.

"Which position do you play?" I can't help but ask. "I play soccer too. It's…it's pretty much my life," I say, allowing myself to smile a little bit more. "I'm a forward," from now until forever, I decide not to add.

"Oh really, you play soccer too? Well shoot I got myself some competition," he winks. "Fullback is my game, center; I spit on little forwards like you." We begin to banter.

"Little?!" I counter, "I'll have you know I'm 5'10" and can probably run faster than you."

"Well we will just have to test that theory now won't we?" he replies. "So who do you play for? And what's your name by the way?"

"Oh, I'm not in college yet," I reply again sheepishly, "I'm 16. I'm from New York, and I just play for my high school and then for a club team during the off-season. But it's my dream to play for Stanford one day," I admit. "And my name's Laurie," something's telling me it's okay to tell this guy the truth.

"Stanford…not too shabby Laurie," he says jokingly. "Are you sure you don't want to go somewhere with a little more prestige, say Harvard or Yale?" He winks at me.

"Ha ha," I reply, thinking of my Grandma Carolyn (who lives in Connecticut) and how during school season she would call me every other day asking me how the recruiting process for _Yale_ was going. I think the thought of me moving all the way to California in two years freaks her out just as much as my parents. "You and I both know neither of those schools have anything on Stanford, only the best women's team in the country."

Changing the subject, he delves a little deeper. "So you never told me what _you're_ doing out here. It isn't every day that you see a beautiful redhead, a 16-year-old beautiful redhead for that matter, out in the middle of nowhere by herself…and with two backpacks for that matter." Trying to get past the fact that he just called me beautiful despite my current state being anything but, I think of what to tell him. I don't want to give away a lot of information, but hell, last time I basically gave away _no_ information and still got the shaft. So whatever.

"I'm um, I'm trying to get to Seattle," I respond, trying being the operative word here. "My dad lives there now, he's a doctor and he just got a new job. Anyway, I'm trying to get to him, I want to see him."

"You know it's funny," he says right after thanking the waitress for bringing him his food that's making my mouth water, "I'm headed to Seattle too, by car obviously." He points to the dark green Toyota outside.

"Are you serious? You're going to Seattle too?!" I'm trying my very best to shove aside the question that burns in the back of my throat – can I go with you?

"I go to Seattle University actually," he says. "Biochemistry pre-med, with a minor in French just for kicks…and maybe for the hot professor;" this boy has no shame. "That's who I play soccer for too," he tells me.

"No kidding! Biochem is what I want to study too; both of my parents are doctors so you know…" I trail off.

"Which uh, which hospital does your dad work at? Just out of curiosity if that's what he does. My campus is surrounded by three hospitals, it's kind of an aspiring doctor's dream," he chuckles.

"He works at Seattle Grace; he's a neurosurgeon," I tell him proudly.

"Oh right, I've shadowed there before, but with the Cardio department. I wonder if your dad knows a Dr. Burke…" he wonders aloud. "That one's over by Seattle Center, a few miles from me. But SU has Swedish Hospital on the west side, Swedish Cherry Hill on the east, and then Harborview County on the south, so we're pretty much set. I'm not missing out on much. The city's got enough hospitals to host an army."

"Wow seriously," I reply. I knew New York was pretty hospital-heavy but sheesh…

"So how are you getting to Seattle from here – do you want the rest?" he asks, noticing my eyes locking on his unfinished turkey sandwich. "I'm finished, this thing was huge."

"Oh, sure, thank you," I'm mentally rejoicing as I take the rest of the sandwich from him, and trying my best to eat it like a lady despite my intense hunger. "And to be honest with you…I don't…I don't know. I tried the train but could only get to Chicago, and then…" I can't go on. I can't talk to anyone about what happened to me. That stays away with lock and key. Now, I just need to move forward. "Well I'm here. And I need to get there. But I don't know."

"You could always come with me?" He doesn't hesitate to ask.

No. No no no. I can't just pick up and go with a stranger. Not with what just happened to me. This can't happen, I can't let this happen.

"Oh," I start. "That's, that's really nice of you, but I don't think I can."

"Well Laurie, suit yourself," he says as he gets up to throw his trash away. "But I'm sorry I need to get going soon – gotta to get to the Montana state line before I call it a day. I hope everything works out for you." He starts walking towards the door.

As he's walking, I let the burning question get the better of me. I think, why not. What else have I got to lose; this guy knows where he's going, he's a _college student_ for crying out loud, it's not like he's a hooligan. I have to go with him – the fact that I met him _here_ of all places has to be some kind of sign.

"Wait!" I call out to him. "I…I'll go with you." I grab my things and slowly stand up. "But, I um, I didn't even catch your name!" He turns back towards me, a smile on his face.

"Glad to hear you've changed your mind, Laurie," he smiles. "My name's Charlie, Charlie Miller."

* * *

**So Charlie Miller...ring any bells? ;) I think he's kind of a catch. haha. Review pleeeease! :)**


	15. Chapter 15

**A/N: Gah! I am so sorry for the lack of updates...school (and work and everything else) is currently kicking my butt. haha. This chapter took me a little while to figure out, because I wanted people's reactions to be just right, so I hope this is up to par. Anyway, thanks so much for reading (and bearing with me and my slow updating...)! :)**

* * *

**Chapter 15**

**Derek's POV**

"…_I didn't just come here for work. I came here because…I need to tell you that Laurie, she left, last Friday, and without telling me. She's…she's missing, Derek. She's missing, but she's making her way here; to Seattle, to you_."

Standing to the side of the hospital entrance in the cold, dark Seattle air, I am taken aback by what I've just heard.

"She's _what_?!" I demand, immediately worrying. "No, no, Laurie can't…she can't be…what happened?!"

"Derek please, keep your voice down," Addison replies, trying to keep me calm. She's got some nerve to tell me to keep my voice down – first my estranged wife shows up in Seattle unannounced, and then not only that she tells me that my only daughter is missing. No, calm is not happening tonight.

"Addison don't you dare come here and tell me that Laurie is missing and then expect me to keep calm about it," I spit back at her. "_What happened_? And do me a favor and skip the part about why the hell you came here if you don't know where our daughter is. Tell me why she ran off. What did you do?" I can tell by the look in Addison's eyes as I'm speaking that this has been hard on her, but right now I am so upset I could not care less about the woman who broke my heart, even if she is my missing child's mother.

"Well if you'd let me get a damn word in I would tell you, Derek," she responds with a firm tone. "Laurie and I…we got into a, a fight last Friday after she came home from school. Like I said, she hadn't been herself ever since you left, and I think that day was particularly hard on her. Anyway, I um, I said some things I shouldn't have, and she – "

"So, you've had fights before; what did you say Addison?!" I'm not letting her get away with anything here.

"Let me finish!" She's raising her voice now too. "She and I were both upset after our fight; I left her in her room and I went into our – mine – to cool down. When I came out a couple hours later, she was gone. Believe me, believe me I looked _everywhere_ around the house, called the Thompson house, my brother – no one had seen her. I um, I called the police at around midnight Saturday morning. After I found out no one had seen her, I thought…I thought maybe she went to Rinny's grave, but she hadn't."

I feel myself involuntarily flinch at the sudden mentioning of Rinny. It's not that I don't miss her with every fiber of my being, it's just easier to not think about her, out there…buried in the ground…I swallow, keeping my expression firm. This is about Laurie.

"I waited for her out there for a couple hours," Addison continues, "but she never came. I called her probably a dozen times, only getting the voicemail, so I notified the police when I got home. It wasn't until, until the next day when the police found out where she was. She got on a train Derek, by herself, heading west. Apparently Richard had called Friday afternoon and left a message, a message that Laurie heard and I didn't. She…she found out you were here in Seattle and she left, to get to you. I didn't find out about Richard's first call until he tried again Saturday afternoon and I picked up. That's when I put two and two together with Laurie, and then this morning I found a letter she had written me, explaining everything – that she's coming here, among other things. NYPD still has her listed as a missing person, but now that I know where she's going…Derek I know she's not going to let anyone catch her. She's determined to get here. She _has _to get here."

I can tell in that last sentence Addison is trying to convince herself as well as me. I stand there, trying to shove aside the immense feeling of guilt for leaving Laurie in New York in the first place, as I process everything my estranged wife has just told me. So she and Laurie got in a fight, a fight bad enough to make Laurie want to leave and cross the country all by herself to get to me. In retrospect, most fathers would be elated that their daughters would do anything to be with them, but in this case, elation is the last feeling to cross my mind. This situation is not one that most fathers have to experience. In this situation, regardless of her justification and desire to get to me, my little Buddy is God-knows-where, where anything could happen to her; that thought alone makes me scared out of my mind, and furious with Addison for not paying attention enough to hear her leave. Needing to get as much information as possible, I press on.

"What did you say to her to make her leave?!" I demand again.

She takes a deep breath. "Derek, that's – "

"Do _not_ make excuses here Addison, ANSWER THE DAMN QUESTION!" I interrupt her. I'm yelling now, to the point where I don't notice her eyes cloud over with tears.

"Laurie was pregnant Derek!" she whispers to me forcefully. "She was pregnant, and, she didn't tell us. She and Logan, they…well you know, and Laurie got pregnant. But then she decided to get an abortion – she knew she wasn't ready to be a mother and that she wouldn't feel comfortable carrying a baby to term, even if only to give it up for adoption. This all happened not very long before you left, and I – we – didn't know anything about it. She kept it from us because she knew you and I were…well she was scared to tell us."

I'll admit, this was _not_ what I was expecting to hear. So my little Buddy wasn't actually my little Buddy anymore. She had grown up, and I didn't even notice.

"But there's something else, Derek," Addison continues. I'm not really sure if I want to hear more just yet. "Laurie didn't want to have sex with Logan. Well, she said in her letter that she thought she did, maybe for a minute, but by the time she wanted to say no he was already more than ready. And then after that one night, he kept wanting more and kept pressuring her to give him more, despite her not wanting to. The day…the day after she found out about the baby and decided to abort it, Logan dumped her, because…because she was refusing to have sex with him again. She didn't tell him about anything, and then – you remember – she told us the break-up was mutual because they 'didn't want the same things anymore.' That wasn't true, Derek. He hurt her."

"And your fight?" I remain impatient, waiting for the whole story before I fully process again.

"Well…I um, Friday afternoon I found the paperwork from Planned Parenthood in one of Laurie's desk drawers and saw that she had had an abortion. I had been so on-edge lately and not…anyway, I blew up at her, didn't let her explain, and called her a…I called her a slut," Addison confesses.

That does it. I don't even _need_ to process very long before I know exactly what I want to say to my wife.

"So you mean to tell me, that because of your own selfish emotional instability, you called your own child a _slut_ without even letting her get a word in otherwise?!" I can feel the anger bubble through my very core. How could she do this to Laurie? Granted, if she and I were on better terms right now, I might be more compelled to listen to her side, and be able to focus more on the fact that my daughter made this mistake, but that's not the case here. "Addison, how could you let this happen?! Never mind that she's coming here, we have no idea where she is now! She could be…anything could happen to her!" Breathing heavily, I run a hand through my hair.

"Don't you think I know that?!" She hisses. "Do you think this hasn't been keeping me up at night? Making me sick with worry too?! Maybe if you hadn't of _left_ in the first – "

"Oh no, you don't get to bring that up again now, because I think we all know the justification behind that," I seethe. I begin to pace back and forth, anything to lessen the now feelings of fear, worry…and guilt. In my heart, I know that my leaving must have triggered Laurie somehow; no matter what Addison may or may not have said to her, if I were back in New York with her when that particular fight happened she probably would not have run away. One of the things that continues to impress me the most about my daughter is that she doesn't run from her problems, she faces them – something many adults have yet to learn how to do. Also, Addison and Laurie have always been close, almost an ideal mother-daughter relationship, surely just one more fight wouldn't have made her jump ship. No, this, this was not a normal reaction. I try my best to shove all of those feelings aside however, because if anything ever happened to that kid…I don't think I could live with myself. But Addison shouldn't be able to live with herself either, right?

"Addison this…" I see her back down as I begin to speak again, but for some reason I can't stop what comes out of my mouth next. "If anything happens to Laurie that, that is on you. _That is on you_." Any hardness that was once visible in her eyes has now disappeared. This, this isn't just some fight I've thrown blame at Addison for; this is our daughter's life. But I'm so angry, about more than just Laurie, that blaming her adulterous mother seems like the only logical solution. Suddenly, my pager goes off – 911 to the ER. Glaring at Addison's now glassed-over eyes once more, with all the anger I have in me, I turn on my heel and race back inside, leaving her to ponder everything that was just said.

**Two hours later**

When paged 911 to the ER, it's natural for me to prepare myself for almost anything – scull contusions, brain bleeds, what have you. But I will be the first to admit I was not prepared to run in there only to find Joe the bartender, my patient, lying on the gurney. Immediately requesting a CT scan and an MRI, I take out my flash light and begin the initial examination, all the while trying my very hardest to push the thoughts of my lost child out of my head.

After receiving Joe's initial scans and noticing everything from a bleed to an aneurism, I know what needs to be done. He needs a stand-still operation. Walking up to the nurse's station to finish filling out some charts, I notice Meredith and some of her fellow interns standing around the counter, staring into Joe's room. It's George O'Malley whom I hear speak first.

"Do you think he's gonna be okay?" he asks the other interns.

"You think he's gonna need an operation?" Cristina Yang responds with a question.

Carrying my chart, I reach the counter. "Operation, yes. Okay, hard to tell. Basilar artery's blown up like a balloon, subarachnoid bleeding, aneurism the size of a golf ball…"

"No way to clip something like that," George mutters to Cristina.

"Not without magic fingers," she responds. In the corner of my eye I notice Meredith standing stock still at the other end of the counter, but I press on.

"Or a standstill operation," I tell them.

"You're doing a standstill opera-he's doing a _standstill operation_," Cristina justifies, as the other interns all give her a look, as if talking to me is some sort of crime. Although I can't say I blame them – they're nothing if not loyal to Meredith, and they don't know the whole story…

"I'd like to try," I say. "But first I need some additional patient history, overnight labs, and a cerebral angio." In an attempt to appear as sorry as possible, yet maintain some sense of professionalism, I hand the file directly to Meredith.

"I'm drunk," she says to me with an air of contempt. George then grabs the chart from my hand as she walks away.

"Meredith…" I start to walk after her, only to have Izzie Stevens step in my way.

"McBastard" I hear her mutter in my direction. Shoving past her, I break into a run. I _need_ to talk to Meredith, now. She needs to know the truth. Reaching the hospital entrance doors, where only moments ago my life was once again filled with a panic I'm not sure I know how to deal with yet, I see her.

"Meredith!" I yell.

"Go away!" she yells, keeping her back turned to me and walking outside, where it's started to rain, at a steady pace.

"Just wait. We should discuss this," and by should I mean have to.

"Here's a thought. No! Quit following me!"

"At least let me explain!" I'm desperate.

"Explain?" She turns around to face me. "You know when you should have explained? The night we met in the bar, before any of the rest of it. Yeah, that would have been a good time to discuss it." Except that night I didn't want to _discuss_ it, I wanted to _forget_ it. And now there's so much more that needs to be said.

"Look, I know how you feel," I try.

"Do you? Somehow I doubt that. Because if you did, you would shut up, and you would turn around and go back inside, because you would realize that I am this close to getting in my car and running you down in the parking lot!" I can tell she's almost crying by the time she turns back around and walks quickly towards her car. As if out of brotherly duty, George O'Malley then rushes past me and walks up next to Meredith with an open umbrella.

"Gimme your keys," I hear him say.

"I'm fine!" she shouts at him.

"Meredith, give me your keys! Let's go home."

Running a hand though my hair, I am at a complete loss. Everything I thought I knew once again just shattered all around me.

**One hour later**

After I've checked on Joe one more time and semi-composed myself, I go off in search of the one person who I'm most in need of having a little chat with: My boss. However, as soon as I reach his room in the surgical recovery wing, it's not just him I see inside the door; inside the door I see Richard with my estranged wife sitting at the foot of his bed.

"…and the husband was the worst…" I hear Addison finish, telling a story I know only too well about a former patient of hers during residency. Obviously, she hasn't told Richard about Laurie, which frankly, doesn't surprise me.

Feeling the anger bubble up inside me once more, I stand in the doorframe with as stern of an expression as possible. Noticing the sudden tension in the room, Addison turns around, her expression immediately falling into that of a sad woman once more. That's better.

"Well," she starts, turning back to face Richard, "I will be back in the morning to report for duty, and you, get some rest." She bends in to kiss him on the cheek, and briskly walks out of the room. Pacing, I ask Richard the question I've been dying to know the answer to ever since the only-too-familiar redhead showed up in Seattle.

"What is she doing here?"

"You and I both know she's the best in the field," he replies with an air of calm that only frustrates me further. "Bringing Addie out was a business decision, nothing personal." Bull.

"Oh, well, what a relief; it's not personal," I mock. "It is personal _to me_."

"The workings of my surgical unit don't have anything…"

"Don't include my wife!" I interrupt.

"Don't include your private life!" he snaps back at me. Looking away, he continues. "Burke will act as Chief of Surgery until I'm back on my feet."

"You gave Chief to Burke?!" I inquire incredulously.

"Like I said, there's no room for personal in being Chief."

"What is that supposed to mean?" I ask him.

"How long have you been sleeping with an intern?" he retorts. Oh, this is so beyond personal.

"So I guess part of being Chief is personal," I glare at him, and he looks away again.

"Close the door on your way out," he mutters.

* * *

The next day passes by in somewhat of a haze, despite the sufficiently awkward run-ins with Addison and ego-bruising bickering with Dr. Burke. The complexities of Joe's surgery at least help to keep the thoughts of my daughter at bay for a short while, but unfortunately, that short while is not long enough. As soon as I step out of the OR the sinking feeling returns to pit of my stomach, along with the overpowering desire to hear Laurie's voice. Immediately after I scrub out I find an on-call room and take out my phone. Yes, I have other issues to deal with, like finding Meredith and giving her an explanation…for everything…but this, this takes priority. Dialing her number, I place the phone to my ear and begin my all-too-familiar pacing around the small room.

Nothing; the phone goes straight to voicemail. I consider for a moment leaving her a message, but then opt out, since I don't think I'd be able to hold it together long enough to present any amount of coherency. Letting out a large sigh, I sit on the bottom bunk bed and rest my head in my hands. Where is my kid? Addison said she called the police back in New York and they didn't find her, but they did find proof that she got on a train headed west. What could that mean? Either she saw them and somehow found out they were looking for her, or – no, I'm not even going to consider another alternative. I had told Addison last night that if anything were to happen to our daughter, that was on her. But as angry as it makes me that she said what she said to Laurie, regardless of any irresponsibility on her part, I know that Addison is not fully to blame here.

Once I had been alone with my thoughts in this tiny room for long enough, I decide to call it a day and head back to the trailer where instead, I can be alone with my thoughts among the vast, open meadows.

**Three hours later**

I can't sleep. I can't stop my mind from reeling. I've been calling Laurie over and over, only with no answer; Addison hadn't been lying about her not answering her phone. I grab a beer from the refrigerator and go sit out on the deck, listening to the rain hit the trailer's tin roof. As I sit I pull out of my pocket the wallet size photo of Laurie I always keep with me – her 10th grade school picture. Suddenly, two headlights appear in the distance, making their way towards me. I can feel my face make an expression of surprise when I eventually make out Meredith Grey walking up to the deck. Immediately I slide the photo back into my pocket.

"So you want to talk," she says, more of a statement than a question. I decide to skip the small gestures and just get right down to the story. I look at her.

"One night, I parked my car. I unlock my front door, go inside my house, and something's different. Nothing's different, everything's the same but yet, still, something's different. And I stand there for a while, and then I know. See, there are moments for me; you know, usually when I'm in the OR, when I just know what's gonna happen next. So I go upstairs. I see a man's jacket that doesn't belong to me hanging on the post at the bottom of the stairs, and everything I think I know…just shifts; because the jacket that doesn't belong to me is a jacket that I recognize.

As I'm walking down the hall, I'm trying to prepare myself for what I'm gonna see when I go into my bedroom. And what I know now is that when I go into my bedroom, I'm not just gonna see that my wife is cheating on me. I'm gonna see that my wife is cheating on me with Mark, who happened to be my best friend. It's just so pedestrian, common and dirty, and cruel; mostly just cruel. I left – came out here."

"And you met me," she states.

"And I met you."

"Well, what was I to you?" she asks. "The girl you screwed to get over being screwed?"

I sigh. "You were like coming up for fresh air. It's like I was drowning and you saved me." I tell her. Standing still, pensively, it takes a moment for Meredith to respond.

"It's not enough," she responds, halfheartedly, starting to walk backwards toward her car.

"Wait, Meredith," I call out, standing up. She stops moving and looks at me. "It's just…there's something else."

"Alright…?" She waits.

"It's just…Addison and I have two daughters – well, had two daughters. Lauren and Katherine; twins." The look on her face is that of shock all over again and I can tell she wants nothing more than to get out of here; however, instead she asks me another question. One I knew I would have to answer as soon as I opened my mouth to her about my girls.

"Had?"

"Katherine – Rinny – passed away 10 years ago from a car accident," I sigh. "She was six. But Lauren, Laurie, she's 16 now and she…well when I left New York I left her there with Addison, because, I don't know," I run a hand through my hair. "She was with me that night that I found her mother with Mark; she had come to my office after soccer practice and waited there for me to finish a surgery, and then she and I went home together. As soon as I knew something wasn't right in the house I told her to stay downstairs. I don't…I don't know how much of Addison and my shouting match she heard, because once I saw what I saw everything else around me just faded into the background. After I left it finally occurred to me that I had left a piece of me behind, I had left the light of my life behind, but by then it was too late and I couldn't – I can't – bring myself to go back." Meredith just stands there silently as I continue.

"The thing is…when Addison showed up yesterday she told me that Laurie ran away from home in New York to come here, to me," for the first time I can feel the tears well up in my eyes. Telling Meredith makes it all too real now.

"Oh my – " she starts, but I interrupt.

"She's been missing since Friday afternoon; Addison said she called the police that night and they found her on a train headed west, but they didn't catch her."

"Well is there…is there anything we can do to find her now?" Meredith asks. I sigh again.

"Apparently the police still have a report on her. I'm going to give it a week and if Laurie's not here by then, call NYPD and have them do another search," I tell her. She nods. "Addison may be a lot of things but…she's not a bad mother. As much as I don't want to admit it right now, she knows…she knows what's best for our daughter." I don't add that not 24 hours ago I just told this same woman that if anything happened to Laurie she was to be held responsible. I know that's not entirely true, but the one person who needs to know that the most, I can't bring myself to tell, because that one person, as much as I wish she didn't, still holds my broken heart.

"I think that begs the question though," Meredith starts, "what is Addison doing here in Seattle if her daughter is missing? Shouldn't she be waiting back in New York?"

Suddenly, I know the answer to that question, the same one I threw at my wife yesterday, and it hits me like a ton of bricks.

"She came here to wait," I whisper. "She's waiting here…for Laurie."

* * *

**Review pleeeease! :)**


	16. Chapter 16

**A/N: So this is the first chapter I'm publishing where I don't have any of the next chapter (17) written yet. I wasn't planning on doing that when I first started writing this story, but it's been bugging me how little I've been able to update lately. So, since I haven't started 17 yet, if any of you have any suggestions for anything you want to see happen with any of the characters, let me know :) I still have a plot/ending figured out for this story, and I don't really want to alter that very much, but any small events (or flashbacks...I'm kind of obsessed with happy-Shepherd-family flashbacks right now, seriously, I could do like 2,000 one-shots), I'm all ears! Anyway, enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything.**

* * *

**Chapter 16**

**Addison's POV**

The moment I hear Derek utter those words:

"_If anything happens to Laurie that, that is on you_. That is on you."

I feel as though my heart has just been ripped from its chest cavity, and tears immediately spring to my eyes before I can pull them back. Until this point, I have done everything in my power to ignore the nagging thoughts telling me that Laurie running off is my fault, only because the amount of truth to it is enough to make me want to just curl up and die. Yet, standing in front of my dear husband, I am determined to remain composed. No matter how much his words kill me inside, he does not need to know just how right he is.

As soon I can, I open my mouth to retort. However, before any sound can come out, Derek's pager goes off. Glaring at me one last time with menacing eyes, he turns on his heel and races back inside, leaving me to ponder even further everything that was just said.

I'm not sure how long I stand in that spot, stock still, for fear that if I were to move, the entire world would cave in around me. After a while, I start to feel large rain drops hit the top of my head; still not allowing myself to cry, I use most of the energy I have left in me to move myself back inside the hospital lobby and under cover. Sitting down in one of the chairs in the waiting area, I place my head in my hands. "No need to worry about keeping up appearances here anymore," I think to myself. "With any luck no one else knows who I am yet." Oh, I can only hope. But really, who knows what kind of rampage Derek went on once he answered the page.

About 30 minutes later, I decide that while I told myself I would check in with Richard tonight, I am in no shape to do so right now. Walking back outside and into the rain, I throw up my umbrella and hail a cab to the very best of my New-Yorker-woman ability.

"The Archfield Hotel, please," I tell the driver. I figure I can at least go check into my room and clean myself up a bit, before I commit myself to work. As the driver turns out of the hospital parking lot, I reach into my purse and pull out the wallet size photo of Laurie I always keep with me – her 10th grade school picture. Running my thumb over her face I study the way her hair is styled in the picture, and suddenly remember so vividly the feel of her red hair as I wove it into that French braid that my fingers start to tingle. Immediately I slide the photo back into my purse before the driver can see the tear that escaped from my left eye.

"Alright, here we are, ma'am," the driver says to me as we pull up to the hotel. "Do you need any help with luggage?"

"No, I'll be fine thank you," I tell him after handing him a 20 and stepping out of the car.

Once I reach my room on the 22nd floor, complete with all of my luggage I had delivered from the airport, I realize that the Archfield Hotel is one of the nicest I have ever seen, let alone stayed in. In all honesty, I was not expecting to like Seattle, _at all_, but I'll admit this isn't bad. Letting out a huge sigh, I drop my bags and let myself fall backwards onto the (very plush) bed, and stare at the ceiling. I had thought, after my little confrontation with Derek earlier, that once I was completely on my own, I would break down into uncontrollable sobs. But instead right now I feel numb; I feel almost as though my body has too much emotion and thought running through it, making me completely unaware of anything.

As I stare at the ceiling, I think about the last time I actually stayed in a hotel room. It was three Februarys ago, when Laurie was in eighth grade, and she, Derek, and I traveled up to Worcester, Massachusetts one weekend for an indoor soccer tournament. Three Februarys ago, when I still had some assemblance of a marriage, Derek still showed up to things, and I actually thought that we were going to last forever; that we could last through anything after all.

**Two and a half years ago**

"Whoever said driving to Massachusetts in the snow was '_not that bad_' and that we '_didn't need chains_' was a complete idiot," Derek huffed, as the three of us walk up the stairs to our hotel room in Worcester that Laurie's soccer team paid for. "In fact, I'd like his phone number so I can tell him that myself."

"Really though Dad, thanks to you I can now cross 'kissing the ground' off from my bucket list," Laurie pipes up from behind us, making me snicker. "Tire chains should be your new best friend, _especially_ after it gets dark out." She gestures to the now nighttime sky.

"Laurie, I swear, I will pay you $10 for every goal you make this weekend; anything to make this drive worth it," he tells her after rolling his eyes.

"Derek you're going to be eating your words when she scores five goals tomorrow _alone_," I interrupt, knowing as well as anyone that our daughter is the top scorer on the team.

"Make it $20 and you've got yourself a deal," Laurie winks, only to receive a playful nudge in the side from me.

"$15," Derek shoots back.

"Done," Laurie replies quickly. "Pleasure doing business with you, Dr. Shepherd," and she and Derek shake hands, giving me a turn to roll my eyes.

Almost to the end of the hall and to our room, Derek speaks up again.

"I don't know about you two, but I can't wait to fall into bed and stay there for the next…" But he stops as we unlock the door to our room and turn on the light.

"…never," he finishes.

When we each take a good look inside what we will be sleeping in for the next two nights, the collective reaction is not a good one. Not that we were expecting or needing anything overly fancy, but I have a feeling when the team booked this hotel for the weekend, whoever spoke to the coach seriously misinformed them as to the current state of the rooms. The first thing we notice is that there is only one light fixture – attached to the ceiling – and that it only very dimly lights up the room.

"Anybody got a flashlight…?" Laurie murmurs, sitting down on the bed closest the door and taking her backpack off. I notice her make a face at how hard the bed is; feeling around, I realize she's right, it'll be like sleeping on cardboard.

Nothing is entirely out of place per se, but as Derek walks around he notices that there is only one outlet in the room – next to the mirror – and only one of the plugs on it works. Also, the water pressure to the sink is awful, the countertops are slightly dirty, and the heater emits a funky smell when turned on. However, figuring it's better to deal with the smell than freezing to death, we leave the latter on low.

After about 45 minutes and Derek and I are settled into bed, which feels even more like cardboard with the comforter pulled back, and reading, Laurie breaks the silence.

"Well, I'm going to go brave the shower," she tells us. "If I'm not out by midnight contact the authorities and add 'monster drain' to the list of unpleasant objects in this room."

"Alright, will do," I respond, playing along and looking up at her over the glasses perched on my nose.

As soon as she shuts herself in the bathroom, I hear a slightly agitated "the fan doesn't even work!" and I giggle. Shifting, I move over so that I'm now leaning into Derek's chest, figuring he might be somewhat more comfortable than this headboard. He sets down his book and wraps his arms around my middle as I let out a sigh.

"Some room, huh?" he chuckles. "Let's just hope Laurie's team can keep winning tomorrow, so they can catch that 8pm time slot, and keep us out of here as long as possible."

"Yeah no kidding," I reply. "I'm starting to reconsider that whole 'leaving the heater on despite the smell' decision we made earlier. I may get cold but at least we'll have some semi fresh air…"

"And you'll always have me to keep you warm," Derek whispers in my ear, right before he starts kissing my neck, making me moan involuntarily.

"Der-" I start but can't finish, as he's now pulling on the collar of my pajama top and kissing my collar bone. "Derek," I finally let out. "Come on, we can't do this _here_. I mean…it's a dirty hotel room…"

"Mmm very dirty…" he mumbles, pushing me down so I'm in a laying position.

"And not to mention, our _daughter_ is in the bathroom, _right over there_!" I emphasize the small room that's only feet from us.

"Oh you and I both know Laurie's showers are never shorter than 15 minutes" Derek replies. "I'll be really quick…"

He hovers on top of me and plants his lips onto mine, making butterflies swirl all over in my stomach, even after 15 years of marriage and two kids. Wrapping my arms around his neck, I feel myself start to get lost in the kiss, before I can remember where we are.

"Mmm Derek," I say again, pulling away. "We can't do this here." I am more firm now, and he pulls away, looking dejected. "But," I whisper, resting my forehead against his and lightly rubbing a hand along his inner thigh, making him moan. "I will most _definitely_ make it up to you when we get home." I kiss him one more time, sliding my tongue into his mouth, and pulling away only when I hear the shower turn off in the bathroom. Lying down on my back, I settle myself as closely as I can to my husband. Laurie opens the door.

"Okay, so there's no 'monster drain,' but the water pressure is awful in there too, and even at 5'8" I'm taller than the showerhead, so I'd the both of you watch your heads in the morning," she comments, walking over to us and tying her wet hair into a braid. "I think I'm gonna try and get some sleep," she says as she sits next to me on the bed.

"I think that's a good idea," reply. "Come here," I sit up and open my arms to hug her. "Goodnight baby girl," I tell her, placing a kiss on her temple. "I love you."

"I love you too Mom," she says, and hugs me tighter. Moving over to Derek, who's still lying down and now falling asleep, she kisses his cheek. "Goodnight Dad, love you."

"Love you too sweetheart," he yawns. "Be sure to earn those bucks tomorrow," he manages a wink before closing his eyes again.

"Noted," Laurie laughs and goes to turn off the light before getting into bed. I feel Derek's arm wrap around me again right before he starts snoring lightly.

Despite the noise (and smell of the heater), after a few minutes I can feel myself start to drift off as my husband snuggles further into the back of my neck. My eyes are getting heavier, and heavier…

Suddenly, I hear my daughter scream from the next bed over; immediately opening my eyes, I see her writhing underneath the blanket to the point where she eventually falls out of the bed altogether. Now completely awake, Derek jumps out of bed and rushes over to her.

"Laurie," he puts both hands on her flushed cheeks, trying to calm her down. "Laurie, what's wrong? What happened?" I am now standing behind him, watching them.

"I…there…" she starts, breathing heavily. "Something; there is something in my bed. It crawled on my foot, I…felt it on my foot," Laurie explains, pointing to her bare right foot.

"Okay…" Derek says, calmly, getting up to go pull back the sheet. I slide down against the wall so I'm sitting next to Laurie.

"But I don't know what could possibly…" Derek starts, pulling back the sheets, until I hear him shriek.

"What is it?!" I demand, sitting up straighter and looking at the bed. I strain my eyes only for a moment until I see a spider the size of a quarter resting at the foot of Laurie's bed. My eyes widen – I hate spiders. Derek immediately grabs the nearest shoe and smashes it as hard as he can.

"What? What was it?" Laurie asks, after Derek squishes the thing.

"Do you really wanna know?" He asks, walking over to sit on her other side.

"Hit me," she sighs, as Derek sits down.

"It was a, um, it was a spider; about that big," he states, holding up his thumb and index finger in a circle. Laurie sits there for a moment, seemingly contemplating until she looks over at Derek, and to my surprise breaks into a fit of laughter with him. Soon, the three of us sit along the wall doubled over, tears flowing, and unable to catch our breath at the sheer ridiculousness that has been this room.

"We," Laurie pants, wiping her tear-stained cheeks, "are _never_ staying here again! Deal?"

**Present Day**

Still staring at the ceiling, the memory of that trip brings a smile to my face. Despite the awful, awful hotel room, the three of us somehow managed to make it a good memory, make it a part of our "good times." Also if I remember correctly Laurie earned almost $100 that weekend – needless to say Derek definitely ate his words. Holding onto that memory, I push myself up from the bed, grabbing my purse and deciding I should head back to the hospital to check in with Richard. No more seeing Derek tonight, no more glares, no more fights. Just Richard, me, and a TTTS case. Strictly business.

Unfortunately, my luck runs thin. As I sit on Richard's bed later, telling him a story Derek knows only too well about a former patient, lo and behold who should walk, or more like charge, in. Turning around to face whoever just came in the room, I see it, for already the hundredth time this evening, the glare. The glare filled with so much contempt, so much hatred, and so much blame. It's almost too much for me to handle.

"Well," I start, clearing my throat and turning back to face Richard, "I will be back in the morning to report for duty, and you, get some rest." I bend in to kiss him on the cheek, a somewhat father/daughterly affection, and as quickly as I can turn and walk out of the room.

Crawling under the covers of the bed in my hotel room immediately after I walked through the door, I take my phone out to check my messages before I allow myself to break down. There's one missed call and voicemail from a restricted number. Frowning, I close my eyes as I lie there and listen to the recording; _you have one unheard message_.

The sound at the beginning is something I can barely identify, almost a scratching noise; straining, I try to make out any sort of coherency in the message. It sounds like someone crying but I can't make out any voice, or anything I recognize. Soon the line goes dead, and I hang up, placing my phone on the nightstand, and grabbing the photo of Laurie from my purse.

I let my mind wander to her one more time tonight; where is she now? Is she safe? Is she some place warm? Suddenly Derek's words come back to me, and recite themselves through my brain.

_If anything happens to Laurie that, that is on you_. That is on you.

"Laurie," I say aloud to the photo, already choking up. "Please come back to me baby girl. I love you. I'm waiting for you." And that's all I can get out before the sobs that rack my body eventually throw me into another fitful sleep, before I have to deal with my first case tomorrow – twins.

* * *

"Define TTTS," I command my intern Meredith Grey the next morning, as we get started on our case.

"Twin-twin transfusion syndrome," she answers. "Conjoined fetal twins."

"Connected by?"

"Blood vessels in the placenta."

"Meaning?" I spit out questions as quickly as possible, my face remaining stoic. _I_ am stoic. After last night…I am numb. I can treat these twins without having a meltdown over my own.

Meredith is silent, and my patience is wearing thin.

"One twin gets too much blood, the other too little, endangering the lives of both," I recite. "I'd expect you to know that, Grey."

"You told me there wasn't much change that anything could be done, but-" the patient, Ms. Phillips, pipes up.

"TTTS is usually impossible to correct, unless you happen to be one of a handful of surgeons in the world who knows how to separate fetal blood vessels, which, luckily for you, I am," I tell her. "So we're gonna get you into surgery tomorrow. If you have any questions at all, please ask Dr. Grey; from what I have seen, she is one of the hospital's most popular interns." Giving as great of a smile as I can amidst my pursed lips, I turn and walk out of the room, Meredith hot on my heels.

"I could have answered your question had you given me the chance," she admits to me. Well, Dr. Grey I apologize if I am a little bit on edge today, what with my child being missing and you sleeping with my husband and all. So forgive me if I don't have time to put up with slow answers.

"Chin up, Grey," I manage. "I'm this tough on everyone, not just the women my husband sleeps with."

After then telling her to go order an ultrasound as well as some pre-op labs for our patient, I make my way over to a chair in the nurses' station and let out a long sigh as I sit down. I'll admit I didn't think of requesting Meredith as my intern right away; I suppose you could say it just came to me as I walked into the hospital this morning – numb, aching, and in need of something to keep my mind off of the fact that it had been four days since I'd last seen my kid. Also, I knew choosing Grey would set Derek off, and _that_ was something I did want to see.

He only really confronted me about it once, saying things like "I have some nerve," and "there were plenty of other interns to choose from." Oh of course there were others to choose from, but that just wouldn't be as much fun. Eventually we bickered, and I made some snide remark about him not actually valuing Meredith for her "medical" skills – honestly it was not really an argument I wanted to have, but so long as it kept us from discussing the _other_ thing, our daughter, I'd take it. Anything to keep him from telling me what an awful mother (and person) I am, especially since I've been telling that to myself enough already.

"Dr. Shepherd?" Meredith walks up behind me, interrupting Derek's and my argument before it can go any further.

"Yes?" We both answer. Force of habit.

"Labs confirm what look like abnormalities on the ultrasound," she tells me, "I think you should come and see for yourself." Oh good; medicine. That I can do.

"Fine," I glance back at my husband. "Let's go."

* * *

Looking at the ultrasound, I see it.

"See?" Meredith points out. "Bilateral pleural effusion with evidence of sub-q edema."

No duh.

"In English please?" Ms. Phillips asks.

I take a deep breath. "We detected what looks like beginning heart failure in the twins, don't be alarmed." I don't tell her that if either of my twins had contracted heart failure I would probably want to eviscerate my own.

"Are my babies gonna be okay?" She's starting to panic.

"I'm gonna go and take you into surgery now, we're not gonna wait," I turn to Meredith. "Book the OR." She looks at me. "Move!"

* * *

"See?" I point to Ms. Phillips, post-op. "Just a small scar."

I am beyond exhausted. However, while I wasn't expecting to do this surgery today, at least I was able to help _someone's_ little girls. Medicine. That I can do.

"And…my babies?" She asks, apprehensively.

"Your babies are doing very well." I wish I could say the same for mine.

I clear my throat. "And Dr. Grey will be back to check on you a little bit later."

"Actually I'd prefer it if Dr. Grey were taken off the case."

What?

"Why, is there a problem?" I ask. Meredith just stands in the corner.

"Just reminds me of someone I don't like very much," Ms. Phillips says, coldly. "Someone my husband likes a lot, particularly in lingerie. You understand," she nods at me. Where the hell did this come from?

"No, no, I don't understand," I raise an eyebrow at her.

"Well, she's sleeping with your husband, right?"

Okay, now that I was not ready for. _How_ this woman even found out about me, or us, or whatever, I don't even want to know. Before I can even stop myself, I'm responding; admitting aloud for the first time what I did. What I did to Derek and inevitably, what I did to Laurie.

"Ms. Philips, I lack Dr. Grey's class and patience so, let me set the record straight. My husband didn't cheat on me, I cheated on him. So the wronged woman here, Dr. Grey. So, I think you owe her one hell of an apology."

Turning on my heel, I walk briskly out of the room, ignoring as best I can the bewildered look I left on Meredith Grey's face.

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**Review review review please! Thanks so much for reading! :) Oh, and you'll hear from Laurie again soon, she's still alive I promise. haha.**


	17. Chapter 17

**A/N: Hey guys I'm baaaack! Gah, but seriously it's been far too long and I am deeply very sorry. Midterms and school just took over my life throughout the past two weeks, but luckily now my exams are all finito! Yay! Anyway, here is the next chapter for you. I tried really hard to make it good, since you all have been waiting so patiently, so I hope you enjoy :)**

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**Chapter 17**

**Lauren's POV**

I had not expected my savior to come in the form of Irene Miller's grandson. The one who finds the downtrodden young maiden and swoops her up like a knight in shining whatever; with his beautiful hazel eyes, charisma, and unfailing sarcasm, Charlie Miller is my knight in shining whatever. And not only Rinny, but Irene too, is my guardian angel.

But that's not to say my optimism is fully restored, or that every time I close my eyes, my mind doesn't go back to that afternoon…in the back of the van…with _his_ foul breath on my neck…fingers inside of me…

In my mind, I am hurt.

I am damaged.

I am violated.

I am broken.

But my knight in shining whatever does not need to know that. No, the knight rescues the maiden, brings her back to her kingdom, and all is well again. At least that's how it goes in all of my childhood story books. If only that's how real life worked too.

It's been almost two days since Charlie and I left the diner on the side of the interstate in North Dakota. I'd be lying if I said getting in the car with a "stranger" didn't make me incredibly nervous at first; even though I technically knew who Charlie was and that he wouldn't hurt me, I don't know how long it will be until I'm fully comfortable with being around a male (who isn't Dad) again. I try not to let myself think about…_him_…too much though, the one who hurt me, because if I do I just know I'll send myself into full-on panic mode, and we can't have that right now. Now, I need to focus on getting to Dad in Seattle, preferably in one piece, so what happened, that remains shoved down. For now.

* * *

"So tell me more about your grandmother," I mention to Charlie on our second day on the road, a Wednesday. I have no idea where we are, somewhere in the middle of Montana. I sit in the passenger's seat with my head leaned against the cool glass of the window.

"Man, I _still_ think it's crazy that out of all the people you could have sat next to on the train, the universe picked her," he responds. "Well shoot I don't know, there's not much to tell. She's like any other grandma, you know; sweet, loving, spoils my cousins and sisters and me rotten, and umm…she's old?" he chuckles.

"Oh, how original of you," I laugh, adjusting myself straighter in the seat. "She _happens_ to be one of the most interesting people I've ever met."

"Well I don't hear you coming up with anything, about your own family for that matter!" Charlie retorts.

"Okay okay fine," I reply, putting my hands up in the air, surrendering. "My dad's side," I swallow, suddenly realizing how much I miss them, "is huge. He has four sisters, so I have a lot of cousins. I'm probably closest with my Aunt Nancy, and she has four kids of her own. My grandma Carolyn is…well she reminds me a lot of yours, basically. My mom's side, well I'm really close with my Uncle Archer, who's her only sibling. He's really protective of her, and for some reason me as well. And her parents, they're…well they're an interesting bunch."

"How?" he chuckles again at my tone.

"Umm they're kind of condescending, exhausting, and pretty much allergic to any basic human affection. Let's just say Mom comes from a long line of really wealthy families, and they're not afraid to show it, or like, use it to their advantage," I tell him. "I'm not actually allowed to call my grandmother 'grandma,' I use her first name, and so does Mom, and she's pretty cold, which is how she was when Mom and Uncle Archer were kids too. I guess I'm just really lucky that my mom turned out the way that she did; she's…she's the most loving person I know." I swallow again, this time pushing down the lump that's formed inside my throat.

"And I'm guessing that doesn't really mesh well with the stiff grandparents?" he asks.

"Ha, no. You could make a reality TV show out of our family reunions," I reply. "Apparently one time when we were babies Mom and Dad actually left early from one, because of some fight Mom had with Bizzy – my grandmother – about how having kids as young as she did would ruin her life, and that we were mistakes. Anyway, fun times," I sigh. "And you have sisters?" I ask; what the hell, we're going to be in this car for a while, might as well make small talk.

"Yeah, two," he replies. "Younger; 14 and 11. And pains in the asses, the both of them." At least you _have_ them, I think to myself. "But so do you, right?"

"So do I what?" I ask, confused.

"Have siblings…?" He turns his head away from the road for a second and looks into my eyes. "You said we…when we were babies…"

"Oh," I trail off. When I talk about my life as a baby, it's never in the singular; it's automatic for me to say _we_, or _us_, because when I was a baby there was a _we_, and there was an _us_. And we were never separated – Rinny was my life.

"I had a sister," I start, taking a deep breath.

"Oh okay," he cuts me off, seemingly satisfied with that answer.

I let out a sigh.

"Go ahead," I tell him.

"Go ahead what?"

"Ask me about her. Everyone else does," I mumble at the end.

"Well…why?" he asks, and I immediately turn my head to look at him, surprised. "I just mean," he continues, "if you wanted to talk about it I figured you would. I'm not going to force you."

"Oh," I keep my eyes glued to his face, and for some reason I feel relieved. "Well um, thank you," I manage, and slump down again so my head is back against the window. "Hey how much further are we going today anyway?"

"See those hills up ahead?" Charlie points.

I nod.

"We need to get over the first set of 'em, and then we're gonna spend the night at my buddy's house in Billings," he tells me.

"Buddy?" I ask, suddenly unable to hold back my nervousness that's been bubbling at the brim. I wasn't expecting this trip to be more than just Charlie and me.

"Oh yeah, Evan, we went to high school together. He's working as a research assistant in the Psych department at MSU Billings this summer, and he said we could crash at his place for the night."

I exhale slightly. Evan. High school friend. No big deal.

"You okay with that…?" Charlie asks me, sensing my unease.

"What?" I turn to him, snapping out of it. "Yeah, yeah, of course, why wouldn't I be?" I give almost too enthusiastic of a smile. "I guess I'm just tired, can't wait to get out of the car again, you know?"

"Yeah I hear ya on that," he chuckles. "Still got a couple more hours to go, though."

We sit in silence for a few minutes, and I see a couple of adult bison and their calf walking together in the distance. Taking my camera out, I zoom in and snap a photo of them, trying not to let the little animal family make me miss my own parents too much. Suddenly, Charlie speaks up again.

"So since your dad's a doctor and everything, do your parents ever, you know, pressure you into becoming one too?" he asks. "I mean not that that's a bad thing," he adds quickly, "I just mean, my old man's a lawyer, and he used to tell me that should be my future too. But that was before he found out how good I was at science," he winks at me.

"Oh no, I mean not really," I respond. "My dad was in Med. School when I was born, so I guess since I've grown up around medicine I've always just been interested in it." I think of all the long nights I've spent in the basement of the brownstone, flipping through page after page of neuro anatomy jargon or various infectious diseases, and then of Mom coming down and gently waking me up when I would fall asleep on top of my page.

"Fascinating shit really," says Charlie. "But scary too. I don't know if Nana Irene told you this or not, but about five years ago she was diagnosed with uterine cancer, had to have a complete hysterectomy, radiation and everything. I remember we were out in New York for over a month that summer taking care of her and Papa. Obviously she's okay now – and she's gonna be okay – but we were lucky. I can't remember her name but I know the doctor she had do the surgery was really something else; the best in her field, and some of the reddest hair I've ever seen, almost identical to yours actually."

It takes all I have not to start crying.

* * *

Two hours later and we are pulling into Evan's driveway. It's a decent size house for a college student, with trees shading almost the entire yard. Stepping out of the car, I stick my arms up and stretch, although immediately I wince at my still-sore elbow.

"Yo Evan!" I hear Charlie shout as he walks up to the front door. Grabbing my two bags I follow him, only to jump a mile out of my skin as a large black lab runs toward us, barking, only to be stopped by the window pane beside the door.

"LUCY!" I hear someone, a male, bellow from behind the door. "Lucy! Knock it off!" the voice says again, before slowly opening the door and revealing its identity.

"Hey man!" Evan steps outside, one hand holding onto the dog – Lucy's – collar, and the other pulling Charlie into a hug and slapping him on the back a couple of times. "It's been too long!"

Her brown eyes set to mine, Lucy begins to whine in Evan's grasp.

"Oh yeah, this is Lucy," he nods towards the dog. "Just got her six months ago; she just gets excited around new people."

"You with a dog, man you can barely boil water let alone take care of an animal," Charlie jokes. "I give you two more months. Oh yeah," he gestures for me to move forward, "this is Laurie, my plus-one for the trip."

I blush, and slowly take a couple steps towards Evan. He sticks his hand out to shake mine, and Lucy starts sniffing at my feet. "Nice to meet you Laurie, I'm Evan; so tell me, what _did_ you do to get stuck on the road with this one for hours on end?" He winks, still waiting for me to take his hand.

"Just um, just lucky I guess," I smile slightly and lightly shake his hand. But as soon as we touch I feel something I can't even explain, almost like an electric shock telling me to move away, far away. Whatever it is, it pumps up my anxiety another notch.

"Well," Charlie interjects after an awkward silence, "should we get settled in or are you gonna make us sleep outside?"

* * *

After dinner, which I happily scarfed down, it's basically dark outside and I can feel the tiredness start to take over my entire body. Not to mention I am still feeling very anxious, and sitting on the couch with Lucy the dog curled up next to my feet, I notice my hands start to shake involuntarily. I don't know why, but I don't like it. Hearing the TV playing some repeat of last season's Oregon/USC football game, I try not to think about anything. Charlie and Evan laugh about something that I don't catch, so I let out a small smile and giggle.

"Hey um," I start, a little while later, turning my head towards Evan. "Would it be alright if I used your shower? I think I'm gonna head in for the night."

"Oh yeah no problem, first door up the stairs to your right," he tells me.

"Oh-okay, thank you," I stand up, trying not to shake too much. What is going on with me? I thought I shoved this down. "Well, goodnight guys. And thank you again, so much, for letting me stay."

"Sleep tight Laur," Charlie calls out as I'm heading up the stairs. "Be ready to go by nine tomorrow!"

Reaching the bathroom, I shut and lock the door tightly behind me and turn and lean against it, flipping the switch that turns the fan on. Letting out a sigh, I run a hand through my hair and then hold both of them out in front of me to examine; they're still trembling.

I walk over to the mirror and stare at myself really hard for the first time in days. I can't believe Charlie hasn't said anything – I look a mess, with slight bags under my eyes and a bruise at the base of my neck.

Very slowly I take off my clothes, pulling my shirt over my head, unclasping my bra, and lastly, unzipping my jeans. The latter part makes me really uneasy, and I start having to take deep breaths. Standing there completely naked, I look over my body in the mirror. My hip and collar bones look more prominent than usual. Also, the bruise on the nape of my neck isn't the only one that still stains my skin; I have finger marks on my arms from where _he_ grabbed me, scratches all up and down my stomach, and more bruises covering my abdomen and…_down there_.

Tears fall down my cheeks before I can stop them and I am still breathing deeply. I first think about Logan, and how he took from me that one thing that makes a person cross over from childhood to adulthood. How his body covered mine, how his lips marked their territory, and how blissfully painful he became. But then there was just the pain. I then think of the baby he left inside of me that literally got sucked from my uterus. Bringing a hand to my abdomen, a few more tears fall as I remember what it felt like, sitting back in that chair, feet in the stirrups, gripping Hannah's hand, feeling the pressure…the cramping…

Beads of sweat form on my forehead right before I snap myself out of it (for fear of letting myself go too far) and yank on the shower faucet, turning the water on. In the hopes that the warm water will soothe me, I step behind the curtain and after taking a deep breath, feel the water run through my hair and down my body, wincing slightly as it runs over the scratches on my stomach.

Closing my eyes, I run my hands over my hair and try to catch my breath. I can't lose it, I can't let myself go crazy; I can't let _him_ mess with me like this, he doesn't get to have control. He doesn't…

The shower curtain brushes against my injured elbow and I gasp, startled, immediately seeing inside of my eyelids the face I've been trying so desperately to erase from my mind. I remember the way _he_ grabbed my arm and twisted it around, sending me to the floor. I hear _his_ sneer and I feel the agony of _him_ violating me. I can't breathe, I can't move. Opening my eyes, I see that I'm in Evan's bathroom, but my mind has trapped me in its own horrors.

I start to turn around madly, panting and searching for a way out. A warm sensation trickles down the insides of my legs as my bladder decides to give in to my panic. The water suddenly feels like daggers piercing my body as I struggle for my footing and eventually sit down in the corner of the tub. Pulling my knees to my chest, I get dizzy; I can't breathe and I can't think; _he_ has clouded my mind. I tried to stop it, but now it's come to the point where I _have_ to stop it; I have no choice. I have to block it out again. I have to calm myself down.

_Think._

_Rinny._

_Me._

_Laughter._

_Mom._

_Dad._

_Love._

_Protection._

_Family._

_Home._

I don't know what's happening to me, as I sit there naked and exposed, the running water eventually pruning my skin. I don't know how much longer I can keep _him_ out of my head, if I can do it at all.

No.

Charlie is taking me to Seattle. _Charlie_. He won't hurt me. He's my friend. He's taking me to Dad, who will protect me. I try to imagine Charlie and Evan sitting downstairs with Lucy, either laughing about some immature joke or yelling at the refs on the TV, and I notice my breath start to even out again. Curled into a tight ball, I can feel the tremors start to subside as well. I'm okay; I'm here in Montana, in Evan's bathroom; no one can hurt me right now.

This was my first, but the questions remain, will it be my last, and will I be able to stop them?

In real life, I am hurt.

I am damaged.

I am violated.

I am broken.

And I have fallen victim to someone, and something.

_My panic attack_.

* * *

**So what did you think? Review review review please! And thank you so much for reading! Chapter 18 to come soon :)**


	18. Chapter 18

**A/N: Hello everyone! So here is chapter 18...again so sorry for the slow updates, school is really keeping me on my toes :P BUT you should know that all of those midterm exams I had a few weeks ago? By some miracle I got A's on all of them :) (definitely wasn't expecting that to happen...haha). Anyway, I hope you enjoy this chapter! Oh, I have a little side note for you though: One of my best friends at school is a Film and Media Arts major and she actually did an interview with me about Fanfiction and the story I'm working on, for a class, and she interviewed me while I was writing this chapter. Idk...it was kind of cool :) I've never had to explain out loud before what goes on inside my head as I'm writing. haha. **

**Also, one more thing. As of like, three-ish weeks ago, I became hopelessly hooked on the TV show Castle, (and may or may not have visited the on-location set/met Stana Katic on a spontaneous trip with my friend...). So while I'll probably write more fics for Grey's in the future, my next major one is probs gonna be for Castle ;) But who knows how far in the future that will be, because I really want to finish this one first :)**

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything.**

* * *

**Chapter 18**

**Addison's POV**

The summer after Laurie turned 12, she went to her first ever overnight camp. Being mature for her age, she had convinced Derek and me (well, mostly Derek) that we should let her go to a soccer camp with her best friend Hannah…in North Carolina.

"_Come _on_ Mom, they're the best team in the country! Just think what it would be like to play with them!_"

"_North Carolina isn't THAT far away…just like four-ish states!_"

"_I've saved up enough of my allowance to pay for it myself!_"

I play over her many pleas and reasoning in my head. It's not that I was a particularly overprotective or overbearing mother, but as Laurie got older, I found myself caught between a rock and a hard place. On the one hand I wanted to watch my daughter grow up into a bright, independent, and beautiful young woman, but on the other I did not want to lose or let anything happen to the only child I had left.

With Derek's help and great perseverance (and because Hannah was going too), Laurie went to North Carolina for her camp…which lasted two weeks. Every morning I remember waking up and checking my calendar, crossing off another day until I saw my daughter again; until I picked her up from the airport, and until she was back safe in my arms. I would count the minutes in the OR until my surgery was finished and I could hear her voice over a phone call.

"It's only two weeks Addie," Derek would chuckle one morning after catching me crossing off my calendar. "She's going to be fine."

But just when I thought the separation anxiety was going to kill me, the day came when it was time to go pick Laurie up from the airport.

"Mommy!" An energetic voice shouts from behind me.

Spinning around, I see Laurie running towards me from her terminal, sporting a baby blue Tar Heel t-shirt.

"There's my girl!" I smile as she throws down her carry-on bag and I open my arms, picking her up in a hug and spinning her around.

"I missed you sweetheart," I tell her, after setting her down but not releasing our hug.

"Yeah," she leans her head against my chest. "Camp was so amazing and fun, and I made a ton of new friends, but I missed you and Dad too much."

I kiss the top of her head twice. "I know," I speak with my lips lightly against her and run a hand up and down her back. "Don't even think about going back next year."

* * *

Except this time, Laurie's not at overnight camp with Hannah, and there's no calendar for me to mark the days until I see her again. Instead I find myself counting the days since I've last seen my daughter, heard her voice, and felt her safe in my arms – seven. It has been one week since Laurie's gone missing, and as certain as I am that she will make it to Seattle, with each passing day I can feel the anxiety pressing further into my very core.

Being in Seattle in general has not been an easy task either. With Derek and Meredith's relationship having been what it was, needless to say I've been on the receiving end of many glares within the walls of this hospital. All of which I have taken with grace and poise, mind you. These people don't know me, and they don't know what I've been through; who are they to judge me for what I've done?

"_Did you hear she _cheated _on McDreamy with his best friend?!_"

"_What a witch. Dr. Shepherd deserves so much better!_"

"_Why don't they just divorce already? I mean…poor Dr. Grey. Just think of what she must be going through._"

But still, the whispers cut me like knives that as hard as I try, I can't fight off. I have to wonder, how much do they really know?

"Morning Richard," I greet the Chief with as cheerful of a voice as I can muster. With just my luck I manage to catch him and Derek in the elevator on my way up to the attending's locker room, but I decide to play it safe; stand behind them and only greet the man who doesn't want my head. "I like the hat," I smile.

"Satan speaks," states Derek.

Ouch.

"Actually I prefer to be called 'Ruler of All that is Evil,' but I will answer to Satan," I respond sarcastically. Richard chuckles.

"What is she still doing in this hospital?" Derek asks him, ignoring me. Ask your questions carefully Derek, because I think we both know what I'm still doing in Seattle.

"I asked her to stay," Richard responds. "We have a pediatric surgery attending on maternity leave."

"Actually I could use you on a consult," I cut in, referring to Derek. This is quick thinking on my part; while there are plenty of other doctors in the Neuro department to consult, this will at least force my husband to acknowledge me, and maybe then our daughter. "Will you uh, meet me up there Derek?" I move to get off the elevator as it reaches my floor.

"Uh…yeah. Fine." I hear him call out to me, as I bid goodbye to Richard and walk with purpose down the hall, the sound of my stilettos masking any lack of confidence.

* * *

"Where's the mother?" Derek asks, walking into the NICU, where Dr. Izzie Stevens and I sit with our very, very small patient. This is the first I've seen him since our little encounter in the elevator.

"Gone," I sigh. "Stuck around long enough to get the kid strung out and then took off. Nice, huh?"

"Addison-"

"Derek I know it's a long shot," I interrupt him. "I know that." As Izzie takes her vitals, I sit there staring at the baby hooked up to all of those monitors; I think back to my own tiny little girls, born at just 35 weeks, one weighing almost five pounds and the other exactly four.

"You told me that you had a newborn with an invasive mass; you failed to mention that she was premature, underweight, and addicted to narcotics. There is no way that this baby is gonna survive spinal surgery," Derek tells me, handing the chart to Izzie and examining the baby's head.

"You don't know that," I press again. Something is telling me that we can, and we _need_ to save this little girl.

"And even if she does," he continues, "she's a mess, she'll just get meningitis, seizures. She's just gonna live a short and painful life."

"You don't _know_ that."

"It is my job to know that," he snaps.

"You're not God, Derek," I whisper.

"Excuse me?"

"I'm sorry honey, but you're not, you don't get to decide who-"

"Wait did you just call me honey?"

I roll my eyes, and can almost taste the uncomfortable that is Izzie standing behind me.

"_Don't_ call me honey." Okay then.

"Fine, you're not God Dr. Shepherd," I stammer. "Look if the patient has any chance at survival, which I think she does, then you have a responsibility-"

"Don't talk to me about responsibilities."

"You took an oath Derek!"

"Oh and don't you dare talk to me about oaths."

"Derek, I messed up. People mess up."

"So what, you slept with my best friend in my favorite sheets, and then because of you my daughter goes missing-"

"The flannel sheets?" I ask, ignoring the jab about Laurie. "You hate the flannel sheets." Izzie clears her throat behind me.

"No, I love those sheets, I did," Derek argues.

"You like the Italian sheets with the paisleys." Why are we even talking about this?

"Would you just stop talking about the sheets?!"

"Fine!"

"I'm sorry," Izzie pipes up, holding the chart. "I'm just gonna go, I'll go check…on the labs…" She walks out of the room.

"Addison, don't do this," Derek looks at me.

"Derek, she's a fighter – look how far she's come already!"

"Don't get attached, don't get involved, just…don't make this about our girls."

"Derek how…how can I not make this about our girls?" I whisper.

"Addison…please don't do this here," he runs a hand through his hair. I look into his eyes, they're swimming. "Rinny, she – it was a long time ago Addison, and Laurie…" he takes a deep breath. "We're not talking about this here. Not standing over a dying baby. Don't make her life more painful than it already is."

"Derek please, she has nobody, she needs _someone_ to fight for her," I'm almost begging. For some reason, there is something inside of me telling me that this baby _has_ to make it…especially if mine doesn't.

"She's too far gone," he sighs. "We have to let her go. Let her go in peace." He turns and walks towards the door of the NICU.

"Fine Derek walk away," I let my eyes wander back town to the sleeping infant in the incubator and mutter, "it's what you do best."

Not wanting to leave and risk running into Derek again, I sit on my stool next to the incubator for what feels like hours, sticking my hand inside so the baby can grip my index finger. Despite her size, she's got a strong grip; I can feel her holding onto me, almost like a lifeline, to let her know that she's not alone.

Sitting there, a small smile comes to my face as the baby squeezes my finger and I remember how Rinny used to do the same thing. When she and Laurie were babies, right before bed I would sit in the rocking chair in the nursery and, after nursing them, just rock back and forth and watch them fall asleep in my arms. Laurie, the smaller of the two, would be out almost immediately, but Rinny was another story. She would lie there awake for some time, starting at me with those blue-green eyes like she was trying to tell me a secret. Eventually, after Laurie fell asleep, I would tuck her in her crib and sit back down in the rocking chair, just Rinny and me. After a while it became almost like our own special bonding time; me sitting there holding her, her eyes alert, and of course, her little fingers not letting go of mine. I would kiss her forehead and follow with light Eskimo kisses, making her grab at my nose and coo at me. It was on one of these nights when Rinny gave me her first smile as well after tickling her little belly, which naturally brought tears to my eyes and led to my taking the baby downstairs to Derek so the both of us could stimulate her for the next hour.

It's almost too much to bear now, knowing that this perfect little life Derek and I had created was taken far too soon, especially given the current situation with my husband. I wonder if he thinks about the girls as much as I have been lately – no, that isn't even a fair question. Of course he has. No matter how absent he became over the past year, and how many times he "walked away," I never had any doubt that Derek didn't love his daughters unconditionally. His running away to Seattle made me question that, but then again, I know it was what he needed. I know what I did with Mark was wrong – very wrong – but Derek had hurt me too, several times over the past year. It's true he never cheated on me with another woman, but over time his work became that "other woman" threatening our family, and I just couldn't take it anymore.

But that doesn't mean I ever stopped being completely and irrevocably in love with him.

I notice the baby try and move all of her little fingers and toes as best she can, as the sound of Izzie Stevens opening the NICU door breaks me from my reverie.

"She's got a good grip," the intern notes, standing next to me.

"Yeah," I breathe.

"I don't think it…" Izzie starts, handing me the labs. "It doesn't look good."

"She's got a resistance-strain pneumococcus," I say more to myself as I flip through the files. "The antibiotics aren't working. You may want to get yourself reassigned Dr. Stevens, I don't think we'll be operating today."

"So do you think Dr. Shepherd was right?" she asks me.

"She's too far gone," my expression is pained. "But she does have a good grip."

Just like my Katherine.

* * *

After making the tough decision that the preemie was too far gone, I make my way to Richard's office to let him know that my work at this hospital is done.

"So, I'm leaving in the morning," I start, after running into him in the hallway on my walk over. I don't tell him of my intent to stay in the city, however, as I don't want him to know of my missing child.

"No," he states simply.

"Excuse me?"

"No, I'm not accepting your resignation," he tells me. What resignation…?

"It's not a resignation Richard, it's notification; I don't officially work for you," we walk into his office and I remain standing in front of his desk. "I came here for one case, and I don't need to be at this hospital to track the twins' progress."

"Well what about the preemie?" he asks me, taking off his hat.

"I'm letting go of the preemie, you know that."

Richard gives me a look.

"He calls me _Satan_, Richard," I manage, not letting on how much Derek's words actually hurt.

"You don't like to hide from a fight!" he responds, emphatically.

"There's no fight he wins," I sigh. "I'm leaving in the morning." And with that I turn to walk out the door, only to run into another one of Meredith Grey's fellow interns, George O'Malley.

"What is it, O'Malley?" Richard asks as he knocks.

"It's Dr. Grey sir, Ellis." That seems to have gotten Richard's attention; immediately he and Dr. O'Malley make their way to go look over her labs. Fully intending to leave, I follow them. I don't hear everything that was said but I can hear Dr. O'Malley mention something about diverticulitis and a liver mass – never a good sign.

"Excuse me, Dr. Shepherd?" I automatically look up at the sound of Izzie's voice at the bottom of the stairs. "We need you, fast."

I take a deep breath, already knowing this can't be good.

"Um, it's Cristina," she continues, "one of our interns, she's…she's collapsed."

"Cristina's collapsed?!" George questions.

Izzie nods.

"Why do you need me?" I raise an eyebrow.

It's Izzie's silence that follows, along with a knowing look from Richard that gives it away – this intern is pregnant.

"Cristina's pregnant?!" George questions again.

"Shut up George," Izzie hisses. "Please," she looks up at me, "please come."

"This doesn't change anything Richard," I start to follow Izzie. "I'm still leaving in the morning."

* * *

Dr. Cristina Yang's case ended up being more complicated than I had anticipated, walking to the emergency OR with Izzie. Granted, it was an emergency, but honestly I hadn't anticipated doing yet another surgery today. All I wanted was to get out of this hospital, away from all of the glares and name calling, and wait for my kid.

Altogether, the surgery was a success, and I mean that in the sense that the patient lived. The baby, however, was a lost cause from the get go. Normally, an ectopic pregnancy is something I am used to dealing with – I have operated on dozens of women who have had it before – but for some reason this case really got to me. I'm not sure if it's because my own kid is missing and my husband can barely talk (never mind look) at me, but all I know is that I am exhausted, physically…and emotionally.

Still dressed in my scrubs and walking quickly down the hall, I spot the nearest on-call room. Praying that it was empty, I open the door as slowly as possible. Just to my luck, it's completely dark. Sitting down on the bottom bunk, I bury my face in my hands and can feel the tears start…again. Suddenly, I hear the door open slowly and I look up, eyes widening at the person who now stands before me.

"Derek?"

* * *

**Hopefully sometime soon the two of them will get along again...tell me what you thought! Reviews would be lovely! :) Also, if any of you have ideas for my next chapter (Derek's POV), that would be amazing. Basically, the more ideas I get, the faster I can update! Thanks so much!**


	19. Chapter 19

**A/N: Here's chapter 19 for you all :) I really, really enjoyed writing it. I actually think it's been my personal favorite so far, so I hope you enjoy! I think many of you will be at least somewhat satisfied with the ending...maybe...**

***Rated M-ish in the middle***

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything.**

* * *

**Chapter 19**

**Derek's POV**

"Derek?"

I'll admit after our debacle this morning, following my estranged wife into a dark on-call room was not high on my list of priorities. There was just something about her face - one to which I have grown to recognize every single expression - that told me an Addison meltdown was on its way, and before I knew it, my heart was leading me to her before my brain could tell me otherwise. Sitting down next to her on the bottom bunk, I don't say anything right away; when she turns her head to look at me, I can see the utter exhaustion and fear reflected in her reddened eyes.

"What are you doing here?" She whispers, her voice catching.

"I just...I don't know." I try to find words.

She sniffs and buries her face in her hands again.

"Addison..."

"Look Derek, if you've come here to yell at me, get mad at me about Mark, or blame me for the fact that our daugher is still missing, you can save it. Don't you think I feel bad enough? Don't you think I wish I could repay my debt to society?!"

"Addie..."

"No, just leave me alone. I want to be left alone."

Before I can stop myself, I put a hand on her knee, making her jump slightly.

"I didn't come here to yell," I say. "I came in here because...I...are you okay?"

"Am I _okay_? Since when do you care?" She mutters.

In all honesty, I've always cared. But once we, well mostly I, let life and work get in the way of our marriage, there just wasn't a lot of time to show it. And then Mark happened, and Meredith happened, and now I don't know where we're at. I thought I was in love with Meredith - she was supposed to be my breath of fresh air - but what if instead, that breath of fresh air is still the woman sitting next to me, and I just tried too hard to make myself forget?

"I, I do care about you Addison.:

"Oh really? Well you have a funny way of showing it, Derek. And for the record I am sitting in here because I just had to operate on an intern with an ectopic pregnancy. That baby died. And then the preemie...babies die Derek, they die and I can't do anything to save them. I know I should be used to it, I know, but right now...it's just hard."

I sigh and run a hand through my hair. "You haven't heard from her yet either?" I ask, already knowing the answer, and introducing a conversation the both of us had been skirting around for a week.

"She has to get here, Derek. She _has _to. I don't, I don't know what else to do."

"You said you called the police-"

"Yes I called the police! Back in New York, and they couldn't find her. They had a lead saying that she got on a train in New York that was headed west toward Chicago, and they notified the Chicago police, but they never found her. Once the train got in...they never found her. I know she escaped somehow. She wants to get to you, she wants her dad."

I'm trying my best to remain calm, because despite what I thought a week ago, yelling and pointing blame is not going to help Laurie.

"I know," I sigh. "I never-"

"She really-"

Addison and I both speak at once, but then she looks over at me, willing me to continue.

"Addison I, I should never have left her. I'm partially to blame for what's happened with Laurie." This is the first time I've admitted that out loud.

"She really missed you," Addison whispers, creating an awkward silence lasting about a minute.

"Why did you get naked with my best friend?" I break the silence with a question that's been burning the back of my throat for over a month, but only now do I have the courage to ask it.

Addison lets out a deep breath, and it's just now I realize that the on-call room we're in is still almost completely dark, and I can only see the outline of her face as she sits next to me.

"Well we…we got successful you and me. We got busy and we got lazy – we didn't even bother to _fight_ anymore, Derek!" Her voice rises slightly. "And Mark was there, and I missed you. And now…now I am sorry. I'm more sorry than you can _possibly _imagine…"

"But at least you're talking to me about it," I finish her sentence for her.

"Yeah," she breathes. "At least I'm talking to you about it."

Another silence ensues.

"God, these on-call rooms are small," Addison comments after a moment, scooting back so she's leaning against the wall on the other side of the bed.

"Different hospital, Addie," I lean back next to her. "And you can still sleep in them; that's all that counts."

"No I know, I'm just saying. I never said I didn't like them, they're cozy. Kind of reminds me of when we went to the one place," she muses.

"With the boat?"

"No, not that place, that was the other place."

"With the bed?"

"Yeah, with the bed. Oh, and the sheets. And the fireplace," she closes her eyes and leans her head back.

"Mmm, and then nine months later we had two kids," I chuckle.

Addison lets out a laugh. "Oh, believe me I remember that day, probably more vividly than you."

**Sixteen years and six months ago**

"Oh come on Addie, just think how great it's going to be, our girls are almost here, and it's our _season_," I say happily, leaning down to kiss my 23-year-old wife who is currently lying on a hospital bed and enjoying immensely her freshly administered epidural. It's the middle of the night, somewhere around 4am on December 9, 1989, and as of about four hours ago, Addison went into labor. Originally, we had intended on having a C-section much to Addison's dismay, but once she started having labor pains and we went in to get her checked out, her doctor said she should be able to deliver naturally no problem – the twins were in just the right position - within the next ten hours or so. I tried to argue for the C-section, but honestly you can't argue with a determined Addie even when she's not carrying two people around.

"Honestly Derek, I love you and I love our season, but the only thing I want to think about right now is getting these babies out of me," Addison says drunkenly as she rubs her swollen stomach.

I turn to look outside, where it's still dark and the city lights are still aglow. It's snowing.

"But Addie, it's snowing."

"What?" She turns and cranes her neck toward the window.

"It's snowing," I smile, sitting down on the bed next to her and rubbing her shoulders. "Maybe that means this year we will actually get a White Christmas. Just you, me, and Katherine and Lauren, dressed in those adorable little holiday dresses you picked out. Oh and Mark too," I add, making Addison chuckle.

"I shudder already, thinking about all the ways he could corrupt our children," she says. "Speaking of Mark though, where is he?"

"Oh I told him I would call him later as things progressed. I don't think this whole middle-of-the-night labor ordeal is really his thing."

"Yeah, good point," Addison says as she snuggles into me on the bed. "So long as it's your thing, who am I to complain?"

"Hmm. I love you, Addie," I say, placing a kiss on her temple.

"I love you too."

**Four hours later**

"GODDAMMIT DEREK SHEPHERD!" Addison screams, as she's hit with the last contraction before delivering baby number one. "Why didn't you make me get the damn C-section?!"

I realize at this point responding to anything my wife asks would be futile. It's just the labor talking, but I don't say that out loud either.

"Ugh, no one told me how much this _hurts_," she moans, as a nurse checks her vitals one last time and the doctor moves to sit between her legs.

"Just hang in there hon, you're doing great," the nurse smiles, patting Addison's shoulder.

"Oy…eyes on the prize," she says to herself, making me smile. I stand at her left side, holding her hand and letting her squeeze as hard as she wants, which I find out I might regret later.

"Alright Addison, on the count of three I'm gonna need you to push," Dr. Meyers, our OB/GYN says. Addison nods quickly, breathing heavily.

"One, two, three, push!"

Addison groans, holding out for about ten seconds before relaxing again. After about three more tries she gets the head out followed by the rest of the body. Katherine.

"There's Katherine," I smile widely, feeling the tears sting my eyes. Addison is breathing heavily beside me and craning her neck to see our daughter, who's currently being weighed and cleaned, waiting for baby number two to come out so we can hold them both. We both lay eyes on the little head of dark hair – mine – and smile at one another. "Just one more, Addie, you're almost there."

Seven minutes later, little ginger-haired, four-pound Lauren was here.

"Oh goodness," Addison says, staring down at the two swaddled and sleeping babies lying on her chest. "Derek look at them, they're so beautiful. So _perfect_." Tears are falling down her cheeks as she kisses their fuzzy little heads.

Lying on the bed beside her, I put one arm around her shoulders and use the other to scoop up Katherine, who in turn opens her eyes for a moment to look in my direction.

"Rinny has your eyes," I whisper.

"Rinny?" Addison asks, as Lauren coos in her arms.

"I think that's what we should call her. For short. Kate or Katie seem too common for this little one, she needs something completely her own."

"Rinny," she repeats to herself quietly. "I like it, a lot," she smiles. "And Laurie, for Lauren."

"Addison, I…just, _thank you_ for doing this with me. For finally saying yes after the fifth time I asked you out, for marrying me, and for these two little munchkins." She snuggles deeper into my side and kisses Laurie's tiny forehead. I look down. "Welcome to the world, Laurie and Rinny."

I have never felt so proud in my entire life.

**Present day**

I sit there quietly as I remember the day that changed my life for the better, forever.

"Hey," Addison brings me back to reality. "Where did you go?"

"What?"

"Just now…you were staring off into space all of the sudden."

"How could you tell, it's dark in here?" I retort.

"Oh, I forgot to tell you I turned on my night vision," she replies somewhat sarcastically.

"I was thinking of their birth," I say quietly, and I can feel Addison tense up beside me. Remembering Rinny's birth is hard on her. "I'm sorry."

"No, no don't be," she says quickly. "I just wish I could think about it more often." Her voice is sad.

"Addie we, we have a long way to go with our marriage, and I know, I know everything I said and did earlier might make you think otherwise, but when Laurie gets here, and maybe before, we could, you know, try." It's all honesty between the two of us now.

"Derek, about Mark, I am so, so-"

"I don't want to talk about Mark right now. I didn't come in here to talk about Mark. I came in here because of you, Addison."

By now our heads are unconsciously moving closer to one another's. Before I know it, I am gently pressing my lips to hers, tasting that familiar mouth for the first time in months.

"Derek," she breathes, but only deepens the kiss, cupping my cheek with her hand.

As we continue kissing, I automatically start to move her backwards so that I lay above her on the bed. Her legs wrap around mine as I take off my scrub top and begin leaving a trail of kisses down her collarbone, which I know drives her crazy. Addison moans and scratches her fingernails tantalizingly light against my bare back. Taking off her top, I rest my hands on her hips and kiss at her breasts, making her moan again.

"Derek," she whimpers. "Please…I lo-"

Suddenly my pager goes off, interrupting her.

"Dammit," I mutter, panting as I try to get rid of my arousal. I sit up as Addison pulls her scrub top back on, and I check the number on my pager. It's O'Malley, my intern on Neuro for the day. I had told him to page me if anything serious comes in.

"It's Dr. O'Malley," I breathe. "He's um, he's on my service for the day so I should…I should probably go…"

"Yeah, probably…maybe we shouldn't have, you know, this is so soon."

"Yeah, yeah, you're right," I say, even though I don't fully agree. "I'm just gonna go, I'll go find O'Malley."

"Right, okay," Addison stammers as I redress and walk out the door.

* * *

"Alright O'Malley, what do we got?" I ask, walking into the CT and X-Ray scan viewing room. It's getting late in the evening and I'm only now just realizing how tired I am.

"Jane Doe came into the ER about a half hour ago after getting into a car accident. Dr. Riley in Trauma said we shouldn't worry Neuro just yet, but she was unconscious when she was brought in, so he suggested a CT anyway. See anything unusual?"

"Hmm," I think, holding up the scans. "How old is this Jane Doe, do we know?"

"We don't have anything that says for sure, but looks to be around sixteen, maybe seventeen. She was pretty banged up though, so tough to tell just yet," he says.

"Okay, well here she's got a substantial subdural hematoma. Yeah, she's gonna need surgery to stop the bleed there before it exacerbates, and I've got a strong hunch she's not going to come out of unconsciousness until it's fixed. Tell the nurse to book the OR stat, before this gets any worse or her injuries cause it any further damage." I hand O'Malley back the scans.

"So, no idea who this girl is, huh?" I ask. "Did the paramedics say anything about family, friends, anything?"

"No, they didn't, I'm sorry," O'Malley looks sad. "I can tell she has one though. She's pretty, young; I don't know, she doesn't look like the kind of kid someone would just leave on the streets."

I sigh. "Well unfortunately O'Malley, you never know these days. Let's head down to Trauma and check it out."

Just then Dr. Alex Karev, another intern, knocks on the door before either of us can leave.

"Hey, so um, your Jane Doe? Paramedics found this in the front seat next to her. Think it could lead to anything? Finding her family, I mean."

But when Karev holds up his hand to show me what it is the paramedics found, it takes all that I have not to faint. He holds up a small brown teddy bear, a bear that I've seen nestled in a little girl's arms almost every night for thirteen years. Winston.

Jane Doe is my daughter. Jane Doe is Laurie.

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**Please review! :) Chapter 20 to come soon.**


	20. Chapter 20

**A/N: Here's chapter 20! Hope you enjoy! :) Oh, side note to this chapter: I actually used to live in Seattle (and attend Seattle University) for two years, so everything you read about Seattle and Charlie's school in this chapter or previous ones is accurate, geographically speaking. haha. It's one of my favorite cities, by far :)**

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything.**

* * *

**Chapter 20**

**Lauren's POV**

Ever since my panic attack at Evan's house, it feels like my insides are constantly on fire, and like it takes all of the energy I have not to lose it in front of Charlie. After climbing out of that shower two nights ago, I remember feeling as though I had just run a marathon in the rain; mentally and physically spent, shaking, and with my skin pruning like an 80-year-old woman. Making a point not to look in the mirror this time around, I had dried myself off and slipped into my bedroom, dressing only in a t-shirt and my underwear to sleep in. Lucy the dog, I think having sensed that something wasn't right, eventually made her way upstairs and nosed her way into my room, curling up at the foot of my bed like a faithful blanket. As a little kid, I had always wanted a dog, especially after my sister died and I felt as though I had no one, but back then I had just wanted someone to play with. I never imagined that instead the first dog I ever spent a night with would provide me the greatest comfort in the world just by lying at my feet, and nuzzling my face when I woke up in the middle of the night from the nightmare I had been all too expectant of.

Now, the next morning, Charlie and I are back on the road, with me curled into a ball in the front seat with Winston.

My body isn't in physical pain any more so much as mental. I haven't bled since that morning on the side of the road, and the bruises and scratches covered by my clothes are looking slightly less angry, like it's actually possible for me to heal. For the first time since it happened, I actually start to wonder how I am going to fix myself; do I tell my parents? Do I tell my friends? Do I tell anyone? And do I even want to tell anyone?

Shoving those thoughts aside, I focus on the raindrops racing with one another down the outside of the passenger window. When I was younger I used to be scared of storms like this - where it would rain so hard it would pound the windows - but I remember the night when I was finally able to let that go. When I was eight, Mom and Dad had to work late, leaving me with a babysitter until the wee hours of the morning. It was raining, hard, and the thunder was so loud that I buried myself completely underneath the blankets on my bed and then covered my head even further with my pillow and stuffed animals. It was late and I couldn't sleep, so I just laid there, shaking and wishing my dad was home.

Eventually my parents returned, and I remember my dad coming and sitting on the edge of my bed and rubbing a hand over my back lightly.

"Daddy?"

"Are you scared of the storm, sweetheart?"

And as soon as I would tell him yes and start to cry, he would undo all of the blankets and pillows and scoop me up into his arms. At first I protested, thinking we were going to get hurt or the noise was going to be too loud if I left my bed, and buried my face into his neck. But he just shushed me and told me everything was going to be okay.

"We're gonna do something that my daddy used to do with me when I was afraid of thunderstorms."

"_You_ were scared of thunderstorms too?!"

"Yep, I was a regular scaredy-cat."

This made me giggle. "No way, Daddy!"

"Oh yes way," he smiled at me. "But once my dad showed me this, I never got scared again."

"Okay, I believe you. But I'm not so sure about this," I remained skeptical, making him chuckle.

Carrying me into his and Mom's bedroom, we sat down on the window seat, me on his lap and Mom, having just changed into her pajamas, came and sat next to us.

"Look at the raindrops on the window, Laur," Dad would say to me, pointing at the little droplets.

"What about them?" I would ask.

"Whenever you get scared of the storm, just watch the raindrops go down the window. My dad and I used to pretend they were having a race; we would each pick one raindrop, and whoever's reached bottom first won. But you can't lose your drop; otherwise we have to start over. Wanna try?" I think for a moment and he kisses my head. I nod.

"Okay you got one now?" He asked after a minute.

"Yep!"

He whispers in my ear. "Ready, set, go!"

I whisper to myself as I sit in the car with Charlie. "Ready, set, go."

* * *

"If I see one more tumbleweed cross the road I think I might have to gauge my eyes out," Charlie mutters. We're somewhere in Central Washington, still driving on I-90. It's Friday afternoon, and theoretically, we should be in Seattle by nightfall.

"Probably not one of your better ideas," I say. "Since, you know, you are driving and all."

"Damn, spoil my fun why don't you," he smirks.

"But just think of all that those little kids you have to coach at camp this summer will be missing out on; with you being eye-less and all I don't think soccer's gonna be high on your priority list."

"You're just saying that because you know that me gauging my eyes out is the only way you could ever beat me." So cocky.

"You know what?" I laugh, and mock being offended. "Stop the car."

"What?" He looks at me for a second.

"I said stop the car. Pull over and go get your ball from the trunk. We're gonna take this outside."

"Wait, you wanna play…_right now_? We're out in the middle of nowhere, Laur," he laughs.

"Exactly. I wanna play right now, out in the middle of nowhere. What, are you _scared_ or something? There's no one around for miles!" For some reason, I feel like this is exactly what I need. To feel a soccer ball at the tips of my toes, and just run with it. I need a release, before the burning sensation coursing through my body eats me alive. Pain or no pain, this is my game.

"Well alright then, you're on." Charlie pulls off at the nearest rest stop, which to no surprise is completely deserted. Opening the trunk, he takes out his ball. "Where to?"

"That patch of grass over there. One end will be your goal and the other one mine."

We play for probably a half-an-hour or so. He wasn't kidding about being good on fullback, but I'm quick on my feet. Soccer has always been the one thing I've been good at no matter what – parent drama or boy drama – with this sport it's always been just me and the ball.

"Damn girl you weren't kidding about being fast. I can't believe you actually beat me," he pants as we lie on our backs in the grass.

"And you're the one who asked for best two out of three," I smirk.

"Shut up," he jokes. "Seriously though, you'd give half the guys on my team a run for their money. I'm calling Stanford tomorrow to see about early admission."

"Well I'm flattered, Mr. Miller." I place a hand over my heart and then wipe the sweat from my forehead with the back of my arm. He turns to me.

"Hey Laurie, I'm really glad I found you on this trip. And I know we haven't really known each other very long but, I don't know, you're a cool kid."

"Kid?" I raise an eyebrow.

"Yo, I'm in college. You're a kid."

"So that whole, 'you'd give half the guys on my team a run for their money' thing was just you blowing smoke out your ass then?" I smirk, turning on my side to face him.

"No, no. Well…you're not _that_ much of a kid."

"Okay, fine. I'll take that," I giggle.

Before I know it our heads (and mouths) are involuntarily moving closer together until we are only about an inch apart. I can almost taste his lips on mine. The last time I had allowed myself to get this close physically to a guy had been with Logan, and we all know how that turned out: shitty. And then with what happened earlier this week…no. I don't want anyone to touch me.

"Charlie-" I start, as he slowly moves to kiss me.

"What-oh, right, sorry," he snaps out of it quickly. We both sit up uncomfortably.

Until now I've almost completely forgotten about my newfound anxiety issue, but the idea of any guy touching me makes me want to throw up. And the fact that two people – men – are driving up to the rest stop on motorcycles, and parking next to Charlie's car.

"I'm just going to um, go to the bathroom really quickly and then we can get going," Charlie says.

"Oh-okay," I respond as he gets up, not taking my eyes of the two guys, now getting off their bikes. Relatively speaking, they look harmless. Not too much older than my dad, graying hair, and kind smiles. Still…I don't know what's wrong with me. I can feel my anxiety creeping up again and I can't even help it anymore. The two older guys flash me innocent smiles and continue walking up to the restroom.

As I sit there on the grass waiting for Charlie to come out, I begin to breathe quickly and feel as though I can never get enough oxygen.

"Charlie," I whisper, but he still hasn't come out yet. I need to stop myself before this goes too far.

"Calm down," I say to myself quietly. "Calm down, calm down, calm down." I pick up the soccer ball and study carefully the seams holding it together. I picture myself out on the field, in a Stanford jersey – number 14, my signature number – and the crowd cheering loudly, Mom and Dad front and center. I hear the announcer call my name over the loudspeaker, as I run out to my position.

_And now here comes forward Lauren Shepherd, who currently holds the record in most assists in one season!_

My breaths slow down, and I study the ball some more, spinning it around in my hands. I can do this. In the distance I see Charlie come out of the restroom and head towards the car. I stand up, and try not to let on how wobbly my legs feel.

"Straight line," I breathe, and walk towards the car.

* * *

"Laurie, I'm sorry. About before," Charlie stutters a couple hours later. We've just gone through Snoqualmie pass and are only about 45 miles from Seattle. I can start to feel the excitement build up inside me, along with the ever-familiar anxiety; I am so close to finally seeing my father.

"Oh," I come out of my reverie, having been staring out the window and thinking about Dad. "No, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have…it was my fault." I squeeze Winston to my chest.

"You had every right to stop me. I mean…we haven't known each other for that long. But…I like you, a lot. And the fact that you love Nana so much too, and how amazing you are at soccer…never mind. I shouldn't have tried to kiss you."

I am flattered and kind of surprised all at once. I'm normally a very perceptive person, especially when it comes to male/female relationships, but as of late I've been doing my best to avoid thoughts of that at all costs. First with Logan and me, and then having watched my parents' marriage get rocky again over the past year, I guess I subconsciously turned off my radar, not wanting to understand anymore.

"Charlie," I sigh. "The truth is…I just got out of a long-term relationship a few months ago, and it…it ended badly. It's not that I don't like you, or think I could like you, I do and you've been so great and I'm so lucky to have found you, it's just, I don't know. I don't know if I could even _be_ a good partner in a relationship right now, and…"

I cut myself off. I don't want to tell him about…_him_.

"And what?" He pries.

"And…nothing. Never mind. Logan and me, he, we were okay for a while and he was one of my best friends, but then he…"

"He what" Charlie tries again. "What did he do to you, Laurie?" I can hear the anger rising in his voice just a touch.

I shouldn't be talking about this. "Well he, eventually he had these needs that, that he wanted me to fulfill," I say quietly, hugging Winston again. Charlie's fingers tense on the steering wheel. "We had been together for almost a year, and he thought that was long enough to wait before we, you know, had sex," I mumble into Winston's fur. "We eventually did, one night when my parents were working late. We had been drinking a little, so he was kind of tipsy you know, and things were getting heated; he wanted to keep going and I told him I thought we should wait longer, but he didn't want, he didn't want to wait any longer." I can feel the tears prickle in my eyes. "I um, I got pregnant."

"You-" Charlie starts, but I interrupt him.

"Yeah, but…I got an abortion," I admit. "I wasn't ready to be a mother, I'm sixteen! I have a life, I play soccer, I have friends; I couldn't raise a baby."

"Hey, I'm not judge-"

"I never told Logan about the baby," I'm on a roll now. "And naturally, he kept wanting more and I didn't, so I had to keep coming up with excuses as to why I couldn't see him after school or whatever. Eventually he, he broke up with me because I wouldn't…I wouldn't have sex with him again."

This sets Charlie over the edge. "HE _WHAT?!_ I could kill that guy! I can't believe he could hurt you like that." His hands grip the wheel harder.

"Please, it's okay," I start, but as I turn my head from looking at him to out the front window, the only thing I see are headlights, from a truck driving the other direction toward us...in our lane. Having just come over a hill, the driver gives Charlie little time to react. Our car jerks to the side; I hear a horn, a scream, and then everything goes black.

* * *

I feel before I can hear, see, or move. My entire head feels as though it's been cracked in half with a hammer, and I have no idea where I am, or how I got there. I try to move, but my veins are made of cement – not even a finger will budge. The pain in my head is so bad and I just want it to stop, anything to happen to make it stop. After who knows how long, I can make out some voices, but I don't know who they belong to. Charlie. I was with Charlie. Where is he? And why am I still unable to move?

"…no identification was found yet…"

"…Trauma Room 1…"

"…potential head injury…"

Words swirl all around me like pieces to a puzzle, but I can't put any of them together. I want to _wake up_, to tell people my name, and to find out where I am and what I'm doing there. I catch two words I've familiarized myself with several times lately.

"…Seattle Grace…"

_Seattle Grace_. Dad. I need to get to Dad, but for some reason I am in so much pain. I feel myself slipping, until once again I am surrounded by darkness and quiet.

I hear voices again. Someone says my name, but in a way that tells me it's not just any person, but someone who I know and who knows me.

"_Laurie_."

It sounds so right, hearing my name said by this person.

"_Laurie, baby can you hear me?_"

I know this person, this person is my father. With all of the energy I can muster, I try and move…anything. My head still hurts like hell, and my entire face just feels weird, like I'm drugged somehow. I'm not sure how long it takes, but eventually my two middle fingers twitch ever so slightly, and after straining every muscle around my eyes, I can see a blinding sliver of white light.

"She might be waking up! Start her on a low dose." Someone who's not my father yells. I feel a pair of warm hands take hold of mine. I involuntarily let out a moan, and the hands hold on tighter.

"_Please wake up, Laurie. Open your eyes for me_."

The light is so bright, but I force my lids even further, so that the only thing I see is the man I've been searching for, for so long.

"Daddy…" I attempt, but my voice is hoarse and weak.

"Yeah, baby, it's me," there are tears in his eyes. "I'm right here."

I can barely get any words out from the pain in my head, and from whatever it was the trauma nurse just gave me a dose of. Another doctor walks up to me and shines a light in my eyes, making me hurt worse.

"Lauren, can you open your eyes for me?" He has a gruff voice, almost like he gets too much of this in one day.

I moan involuntarily again in reaction to the light. I can't really move much.

"One of her pupils is blown. We need to get her into surgery. Now." I hear this other doctor say. I'm scared now. Surgery?

"Dr. Riley!" I hear Dad yell after this guy, and in my clouded vision I see him get up from beside me to chase after him.

"Daddy," I try again, but it comes out more like "Daaaa" and I can't finish, because I can't formulate words and have that light in my eyes. I'm so dizzy, and not like last time when I was dizzy from _him_ hurting me. This is something else, and I know enough about doctors and hospitals and have seen Dad at work enough times to know that the Dr. Shepherd in him is coming out, and there's something wrong with me that needs to be fixed. Dad wants answers.

"Nooo," I moan. I don't want him to leave; I want him next to me.

"Okay, okay, it's okay sweetheart, I'll stay right here. I'm right here."

"I," I take a breath, but it catches when I feel a sharp pain in my ribs. Some of them must be broken. But I _have_ to say this.

"What is it, honey? You're going to be okay. Everything's going to be okay," I can hear the intense worry in his voice.

"I found you."

But before he or I can say anything else, a strong taste of iron makes its way into my mouth and I vomit, but I can't sit up, so it just spews down my chin – blood. Dad immediately springs into action. I'm still so dizzy, and the room spins around a couple of times before the darkness returns.

"_She's seizing_."

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**Thanks for reading! Reviews would be greatly appreciated :) Chapter 21 to come soon.**


	21. Chapter 21

**A/N: I'll admit, this chapter took me a few tries, so I hope you all enjoy it. Thanks for sticking with me :) Also, side story: For those of you who were wondering, Laurie was Jane Doe when she was admitted because Charlie was unconscious too (you'll find out what happens with him next chapter), and her identification wasn't found inside the car, for whatever reason (like the car was totaled, etc.). She's now no longer Jane Doe because Derek was able to identify her, obviously. Just to clear up any potential confusion. haha.**

***This chapter is rated M***

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything.**

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**Chapter 21**

**Addison's POV**

After Derek leaves to go find Dr. O'Malley, I sit in the on-call room a little longer, trying to catch my breath. What just happened? Did Derek seriously just come in here and tell me he wanted to work on our marriage? And did we seriously almost have sex – in a foreign on-call room – when we haven't even done it our own bed for months?

However, as hard as it is for me to believe everything that just happened, it can't help but make me smile. Derek said he wanted to try, that we should try, and not just for our daughter's sake; for his sake and for mine too. After Rinny died, I thought our family would never feel whole again. We had several good years, but then Derek and I got busy and stopped caring; we took each other for granted, and we took the only child we had left for granted. We both made mistakes, as husband and wife, as parents, and as partners. But after tonight I can't help but feel…optimistic. Maybe we can do this.

Standing up, I decide I should probably go and check on my preemie before heading back to the hotel for the night. I would let Derek know I'm leaving as soon as he gets done with his patient.

When I reach the NICU, I stand in the doorway for a moment, watching the little baby in her incubator, her chest rising up and down. There's no one else in the room. I had wanted to be right about her so badly; I wanted to believe that we could save her, despite almost nothing being in her favor. I walk over to the incubator.

"Look at that," I breathe, glancing up at her monitor. Surprisingly, her BP is stabilizing; she's stronger since this morning. I stick my hand inside the incubator to let the baby grab my index finger again. She latches on quickly with a grip that's just as strong. I smile down at her.

"You're really beautiful, you know that?" I talk to her. "I'm thinking maybe, little girl, once you make it through the night and get a little more strength, Dr. Shepherd might just be able to operate on you."

Her monitor continues to beep at me, even beats.

"And you don't even need to be scared because Dr. Shepherd, he's the best there is. He's gonna make sure you grow up strong and healthy. I bet you'd like that wouldn't you?" I smile.

Picking up her chart, I let go of her finger and go sit in the rocking chair in the corner of the room. I jot down a few notes, the changes in her BP, IV fluid levels. After a little while I can feel my eyelids getting heavy and I yawn. I figure since Derek hadn't paged me yet that means he's still working on that 911 patient with O'Malley. I think about waiting, but I'm so tired, all I want to do is go lie down and sleep for the next 10 hours.

Suddenly, my pager goes off. Thinking it's Derek, I pick it up, but frown when I notice it's not my husband, it's O'Malley. Their patient must be pregnant; why else would the intern on Neuro today need me? Letting out a sigh, I head downstairs in search of O'Malley. This could be a long night.

Once I make it down to the ER floor, I realize that the room I had been paged to was reserved for trauma patients. Frowning, I wonder why more people aren't bustling around trying to help this woman I'm supposed to examine. Down the hall I hear a male voice asking for a Lauren. Ignoring the pang in my chest, I open the door to the room and, instead of finding my patient I find George O'Malley and for some reason Izzie Stevens standing in a corner. I can tell whoever was in here before was just taken out – there's equipment on the counter next to the sink.

"Dr. Montgomery Shepherd," George says quietly, seeing me enter.

"Normally, Dr. O'Malley, when I respond to a page to the ER I expect there to be a patient in the room." I say, somewhat annoyed. "What's going on? And Dr. Stevens, what are you still doing here? Unless Bailey reassigned you without my knowing, you're good to go for the evening. We'll know more about the preemie in the morning."

"This um, this isn't about the preemie," she says quietly. "Addison…"

"There's something we need to tell you, about the patient. I think maybe you should sit down," says George. This is weird, and since when does Izzie call me Addison?

"Okayy," I give the both of them a weird look as the three of us sit down. "But you paged me here, so again I ask, what is going on?"

"It's just," George stammers. "The other Dr. Shepherd told me, er us, about your daughter, Laurie, and I just, we just wanted to say how sorry we are."

I stiffen involuntarily, and Izzie takes my hand. Wait…do the both of them know something I don't…? My mouth opens before I can get any words out.

"Um, thank you, but she's…it's going to be okay, she'll get here. She has to. What all did Derek tell you?"

"He told us about her running away…from you in New York, to find him in Seattle," Izzie tells me with a sympathetic look. "The whole time he was here, we had no idea he even had a kid, let alone one crossing the country to get to him." I swallow and my hands go clammy, one still covered by Izzie's.

"But the thing is, Addison, your daughter, she's…she's here."

I feel like my stomach just dropped a foot. _My baby is finally here_._ She made it_. I stand up quickly, tears springing to my eyes.

"_What_? She, she's _here_?! Where? Where is she? I have to-" I start turning in circles as George interrupts me.

"Wait, Dr. Shepherd, someth-"

"_No_, O'Malley, I need to see my kid. _Where is she_?"

"Addison!" Izzie puts two hands on my shoulders, forcing me to look into her eyes. "Something happened to Laurie."

I'm having déjà vu. Ten years ago, the call from Mt. Sinai. _Something happened to your daughters – to Katherine_. My knees buckle and I sit down again.

"Where. Is. She?" I'm demanding now, angrily.

Izzie sighs. "She's with her dad," she says quietly. "There was an accident, a car accident. She's bleeding internally, and was taken to surgery. Addison-"

I rip my hands from hers and stand up again. "No, no, no! She didn't…this can't…she's the patient." Tears fall down my cheeks. The male voice asking for Lauren wasn't asking for _a_ Lauren, he was asking for _mine_.

"Dr. Shepherd, please, is there anything we-" George starts.

"No, I just, I need to get…" I trail off, and before either of them can stop me, I'm sprinting toward the OR floor.

* * *

I can't breathe. I can't think. All I can do is run as fast as I can, knocking down anyone who gets in my way. My kid is here, and she could be…no. I can't say it. I can't lose the only child I have left.

I'm shaking as I run up to the OR board and it's there I see it.

_Trauma_

_Patient: Lauren Shepherd._

_Subdural hematoma / cerebral contusion / intestinal bleed / rib realignment_

_Surgeon(s): Dr. Peterson, Dr. Bailey_

_OR 4_

Before I can get a mental picture of my daughter's broken body, I set off for OR 4. They _have_ to let me in there. I round the corner and burst into the scrub room, realizing that I no longer needed to create a mental picture of my daughter's broken body, because through the large window in front of me, I see her.

"Laurie," I choke out in a whisper. Derek is inside the OR already, against all rules, and arguing with Dr. Peterson, the attending neurosurgeon operating on Laurie, but no one knows I'm here yet. My hands grip the edge of the scrub sink, turning my knuckles white. I feel the tears drip off of my cheeks before I even process that I'm crying again.

"Derek Shepherd, get _out_ of my OR!" I hear Dr. Peterson yell at him, while Dr. Miranda Bailey very meticulously works to stop the intestinal bleed.

"_I_ am the head of this department!" Derek yells back. "And this is MY daughter! I am telling you, you need to-"

"DO NOT tell me how to run my OR!"

"I'll tell you whatever I damn well-"

"Derek!" Miranda looks up, asking Dr. Alex Karev, her intern, to take over suction. The two arguing men are quiet. "Get out."

"Dr. Bailey, you are my subordinate, I am not leaving-"

"Derek Shepherd I said get out. If you want me to save your girl's life then I need you to get out. I can't focus with you in here breathing down our necks!"

But as soon as Derek says no again, I grab a mask and open the OR doors; I can no longer just stand there and listen. Normally, when I enter the OR, everything in the outside world just stops - the only thing that exists is the patient and me. Time stops, and all that matters is this life in my hands, lying on the table. But this isn't just any patient, this is my daughter. My daughter who ran away from home and travelled across the entire country to get here, making me sick with worry, and now here she is...and she could be...

"Oh God," I can't hold in my words any longer. "Laurie."

I look at her, lying there, exposed and broken. Her head and lower body are draped, intestines and brain exposed, and she's intubated. Staring at her makes me feel as though my heart is ripping through my chest. That's my little baby, she's just a little baby, and she's hurt. I hear her monitor beeping in the background, taunting me, telling me that my child's life is in _its_ hands. And I can't do a thing about it.

"Dr. Montgomery Shepherd!" Peterson yells, at me this time. "We cannot have you two in here, if you want us to save-"

"NO! I am not going anywhere," my voice is hard, and I walk over and take Laurie's left hand. A tingle goes through my fingers when I touch her.

"Can someone please tell me what in the hell is going on in here?!" Chief Webber's voice suddenly fills the room. Everyone is still, save for the steady beeping of Laurie's monitor. I can hear Richard take in a breath when he looks at Laurie, whom he's known since she was a little girl.

"Chief-"

"Dr. Webber, I can't-"

Both Derek and Dr. Peterson start at once, but Richard stops them.

"Alright everybody shut up! Derek, Addison, I realize this is your daughter and you want to do everything in your power to save her, but right now, I can't have you in here." I don't move, I just squeeze Laurie's hand tighter. "I'm right here, sweetheart," I whisper so no one else can hear.

Derek argues.

"Derek, there will be no more arguments here. If you want this operation to continue, you and Addison need to leave, now."

"But-"

"No buts. I don't want to see either of you within 100 feet of this OR until the surgery is finished. Do I make myself clear?"

"Richard," I start, quietly.

"I said _do_ I make myself clear?" He glares at the both of us, hard. I can feel Bailey giving me a sympathetic gaze.

Without a word, I let go of my daughter's hand and numbly make my way out of the OR, Derek on my heels. Richard stays in to observe, whispering to me that he'd keep an eye on her as I walk out. I don't stop to talk to Derek in the scrub room. I leave quickly and with purpose, and to be honest I'm not even sure where I'm going. I notice George out of the corner of my eye, most likely going to check on Laurie's surgery, but I pay no attention. Finding the nearest on-call room, I burst open the door and kick out a frightened intern whom I have never seen before. I don't even notice that Derek followed me, until I fall onto the bed and sob, and then feel his arms wrap around me.

"Derek..." I gasp. "She...in there..."

"I know," he whispers into my hair. Any louder and his voice would give him away.

Covering my face with one hand and clutching my middle with the other, the sobs pull me forward. Derek keeps his arms around me, and after a moment I hear him give in to his tears. We sit there for who knows how long, just holding one another and crying. How could we let this happen to her?

"This is all my fault," I choke out after a while. "That argument...and what I said...I'm so sorry Derek. Oh God. I'm so sorry." I bury my face in my hands, waiting for my husband to dish out the blame, just like he did when I first arrived. There's a silence between us.

"Addison, I…I don't blame you. This is my fault too."

"No-"

"Just shh…" he cuts me off. "I know I said it before, but I shouldn't have just left her like that without a word. I know it was hard on her but I didn't…I couldn't…" But I silence him by covering his lips with mine, my hands resting on his cheeks. Both of us are hurting, and now our child is hurting, and we need to heal together, not throw blame at each other.

He wraps his arms around me again, one hand behind my head, the other caressing my back.

"I love you so much, Derek," I whisper in between kisses.

Rather than respond verbally, he takes control and gently moves me so that he's lying above me; my legs straddle his hips and I wrap my arms around his neck. We both want to make each other feel better. Quickly, he rids himself of his shirt, and I of mine, and he begins to leave a trail of kisses down the side of my neck, making me moan. Reaching behind me, he unclasps my bra and throws it to the ground. I automatically arch my back into him, wanting as much skin-on-skin contact as possible. I leave light kisses on his shoulder, loving the feel of his skin, and run my fingernails lightly over his back and then his scalp, as he moves further south and begins to kiss at my left breast, massaging the right one with his hand.

"Derek…" After several seconds it's almost more than I can handle, and I reach down to undo his scrub pants. Kicking them off, and then pulling me out of mine, I can feel him grow hard against my inner thigh. I reach down, massaging him through the cotton of his boxers that separates us, eliciting a low groan from him. Rather than rush it though, I use my other hand to pull him up to kiss him again, gently letting my tongue slip into his mouth. I can feel myself almost slip into another world, where there is nothing but Derek and me, two people who, despite everything, never stopped loving each other.

"Addie," Derek moans into my mouth, and I can feel myself growing wetter. Ridding ourselves of the last bits of clothing, we look into each other's eyes. "I love you too," he whispers to me, resting his forehead against mine as he enters me slowly. His piercing blue eyes gaze into mine as he starts to move, and I notice the steady stream of tears flowing down both of our cheeks – I don't think either of us has really stopped crying – that are now forming into one.

"I'm sorry I hurt you," I whisper, and he kisses me.

"And I'm sorry I wasn't there." I wrap my arms around him tighter.

He began to thrust in earnest, making me moan.

"God, Addison, you feel so good," he mumbles into my shoulder. By this point my breathing is labored and my nails are digging into his back. I close my eyes as Derek brings his forehead back to rest against mine. I can feel the heat start to pool in my stomach, and I urged him on.

"Faster, please. Please."

Intertwining his fingers with mine, Derek holds my hands back behind our heads and increases the pace ever so slightly – he still wants this to last. We move together in a perfect harmony, and I can tell we're both getting closer.

"Derek…I'm almost…" But before I can say another word, I lose control of all of my senses as a wave of ecstasy hits me and I feel myself tighten around him. He's near the edge now, pressing his lips against mine as he comes, filling me completely. The both of us spent, we lay there and hold one another, neither of us wanting to let go.

Almost a full minute later he pulls out, but keeps his arms wrapped around me so that I can lay my head against his chest. I lean up to kiss him again, slowly, ingraining the feel of his lips in my brain.

"Addison, I…" he takes a deep breath, tucking a tendril of hair behind my ear. "There are so many things I want to say to you."

"I know," I say. "Me too."

He runs a hand gently up and down my spine, and I feel the tears pool in my eyes again.

"Derek what if Laurie…what if…?" I sniff. He knows what I'm talking about; something neither of us want to say out loud.

"Shh," he kisses the top of my head. "She's gonna be okay. Everything's going to be okay." I wish I could believe him, act strong like him.

"She's my baby; I can't…not her too."

"I know, I know," and he holds me tighter as I run a hand up and down his chest. I think about asking him if Laurie had any scans done, and if he'd seen them, but I'm scared enough. So instead I go for another question.

"How did Laurie get here?"

Derek sighs. "I don't know," he closes his eyes. "I got paged to the ER earlier tonight for a Jane Doe; I had no idea that…I had no idea that it was Laurie. I had no idea that she was even in a car. When O'Malley and I were viewing her scans, Alex Karev came up to us with a teddy bear, saying that it was in the front seat with the patient at the time of the crash. The bear was Winston," his voice breaks and I place a few kisses on his chest. "When I saw her lying in that bed Addie, and then when she seized I just…she has to make it." For the first time Derek is losing his battle with being the strong one. I close my eyes, not wanting to picture the scene he just described.

"She has to make it," I whisper.

* * *

We must have fallen asleep because I am startled by the sound of two pagers going off.

"Derek?" I mutter, and he stirs next to me. "Derek! Our pagers!"

Immediately, he sits up and reaches for his clothes, and I do the same. Reaching for my pager, I notice it's from Miranda and my heart skips a beat.

"It's from Bailey," I breathe. "Laurie's out of surgery." Suddenly, I'm scared all over again. Derek gives my hand a squeeze before the both of us run up to the ICU. Miranda meets us outside the glass door leading to Laurie's room, while Dr. Peterson fills out a chart next to her bed. Before Miranda can say anything though, I look inside. There she is. My girl. Derek looks at Miranda expectantly.

"Well, the good news is, she made it through the surgery. She's tough, your girl." I give a small smile. "It's not going to be an easy recovery; she had some internal bleeding in her spleen from a shard of glass, which I was able to stop. Dr. Peterson was able to repair the contusion and the hematoma, but…"

"What is it, Dr. Bailey?" Derek asks impatiently.

"Her heart stopped, twice, during surgery," Miranda looks at me, "leaving her brain without oxygen for almost a minute. Dr. Peterson doesn't foresee any permanent damage, but it could be a while before she wakes up, and it won't be until then that we can assess completely. In the meantime we'll need to keep her intubated and on continuous IV medication."

I hear Derek take in a deep breath beside me.

"Can we…?" I start.

Miranda nods. "You can go in and see her."

Slowly, I slide open the glass door, and take a seat in the stool next to Laurie's bed, Derek taking the one on her other side. Dr. Peterson writes some last minute notes and gives us a nod before he exits. I take the back of my hand and run it along Laurie's cheek.

"Hey, baby girl," I choke out quietly. "I should be so angry with you right now for terrifying me like that. But you're here now, and you're going to be okay. You're going to be okay." A couple of tears slip out. Derek holds up her hand and kisses it.

"You found me, Buddy," he says. "And I'll be right here when you wake up." He looks at me. "_We'll_ be right here."

* * *

Almost a full 24 hours later, Derek and I are still in Laurie's room, each of us slumped over in a chair against the wall. Derek had left for a few hours not too long ago, and if the hospital rumor mill is as reliable a source as everyone says it is, part of those few hours were spent having a negotiation with Meredith Grey. Despite what everyone seems to think, however, I don't hate her. I hate what had to happen to my family, but I don't hate her.

The sound of moving sheets breaks me from my daze. _Laurie is waking up_. I race over to the side of her bed.

"Laurie? Baby? Come on, honey wake up," I say quietly.

She lets out a soft moan. Immediately, Derek is shouting in the hallway to page Dr. Peterson and Dr. Bailey.

"Laurie, Buddy, it's Daddy," Derek comes and sits on the opposite side of her bed. "Can you open your eyes for me?" He shines his flashlight in her eyes. I can see a small slit of her blue eyes start to appear only for a moment until her body can process that she's still intubated. She starts to writhe slightly, fighting against the tube, and I stand back as Derek takes hold of her shoulders and tells her, very slowly, to breathe out so he can take it out.

With as much energy as she can muster, she coughs as Derek pulls out the tube. It's still hard for her to open her eyes, but she's awake. She's awake. I take her hand.

"Laurie, honey?" Derek has tears in his eyes.

"Daddy?" The sound of her voice brings me to tears.

"Yeah, honey I'm right here. I told you I'd be right here."

It takes her a moment to process who is holding her other hand – me. She turns her gaze in my direction.

"Mommy," her voice is raspy.

I squeeze her hand tighter. "I'm right here, sweetheart. You're okay." She nods and takes in a slow, deep breath; I close my eyes when I notice her wince at the pain from her broken ribs.

"Mom, I'm sorry…I love you…I will call you back."

* * *

**I hope you all enjoyed this chapter. I figure, it was about damn time. haha. Let me know your thoughts! :)**


	22. Chapter 22

**A/N: So this chapter took me a little bit longer to write, but I think I'm pretty satisfied with it. Hope you like! :)**

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything.**

* * *

**Chapter 22**

**Lauren's POV**

I wake up to a blindingly bright light in my eyes, and my entire body feels like it got hit by a train. The right side of my head is throbbing. I try to breathe, but there is something blocking my throat, choking me, and letting me know that I didn't just fall asleep somewhere. I am in a hospital. My back arches involuntarily, feeding the pain in my ribcage, and I fight against it until I feel two strong hands grip my shoulders and a voice telling me, very slowly, to breathe out. Stupidly, I realize that I'm intubated, for whatever reason, so with as much energy as I can muster I breathe out until the feel of the tube being pulled out makes me cough.

I take slow deep breaths, and two people each take hold of one of my hands. I want to move, to talk, but I feel so drugged and again, like I just got hit by a train. Makes for a bad combination.

"Laurie, honey?" I hear a man's voice beside me. Despite the pain, I strain every muscle surrounding my eyes to open them. The man beside me is my father, and I want to cry I'm so happy. He's finally here, and we're finally together. But I'm confused, and still don't understand what I am doing inside the hospital.

"Daddy?" My voice is raspy, like it sounded when I had strep throat. I hear someone else choke on a sob on my other side, but I don't comprehend who it is just yet, leaving my eyes glued to Dad.

"Yeah, honey I'm right here. I told you I'd be right here." There are tears in his eyes, and I can only ever remember seeing him cry maybe twice in my life. I don't say anything back; I just look at him, and hope that my eyes can convey the message that I have no idea what the hell I am doing here. The person holding my other hand rubs light circles over the top of it with their thumb, and I turn my head to look at them. Through my somewhat blurred vision I see a person – woman – with red hair the exact color as mine. That person is my mother. Does that mean I am back in New York? But I can't be, because Dad is in Seattle. Out of nowhere words come flowing into my woozy brain, words I remember I needed to say to Mom.

"Mommy?" I manage, using the word I only use when I'm sick or in pain.

She squeezes my hand tighter. "I'm right here, sweetheart. You're okay." This doesn't answer what she's doing here, but I'm too tired to ask. I take in a deep breath, and she closes her eyes when I wince at the pain that's still in my ribs.

"Mom, I'm sorry…I love you…I will call you back."

She rests her forehead against our hands and takes a deep breath. I wish I wasn't so confused. I thought I left Mom in New York. So what am I doing here with her, in a hospital? And where exactly _is_ this hospital?

"Oh no, sweetheart," she breathes, running the back of her hand along my cheek. "It's okay. You made it; you're here now, and that's all that matters." I can tell something is not entirely right, because the tone in her voice indicates she's trying to convince herself as much as me. What is she even talking about?

"Made it?" I whisper back to her, almost inaudible.

"Laurie," Dad says, looking straight into my eyes and suddenly serious. "Do you know where you are?"

I look at him. "I thought I just got off-"

But before I can finish a team of doctors and nurses make their way into my room, one of them practically shoving my father out of the way.

"Somebody get them out of here, please," the gruff doctor who shoved my father says to a nurse nearby. He wants my parents out of the room.

"No-" I start, I don't want them to leave me, in case this is all just a dream, but he doesn't listen. Instead, he leans over and flashes another light in my eyes, as Mom and Dad are reluctantly ushered out of the room. Dad is getting flustered, but then I hear the nurse say something about a Dr. Peterson not being able to work while the family's in the room, and a bunch of other stuff to calm him down I can't comprehend. Three more doctors, a shorter woman, a very handsome looking younger guy, and another more awkward looking younger guy stand at the end of my bed with a chart, and is sending them sympathetic looks.

"This is Dr. Peterson, can you follow the light for me, please?" the man asks me. Although it's painful, I force my eyes to follow his flashlight. I can tell this doctor is kind of a hard-ass.

"Good, now can you tell me your name?"

"Laurie, er, Lauren, Shepherd," I manage.

"And Lauren do you know what city you're in?" Jackpot.

"I um, I don't know," I say.

He and the woman at the end of my bed exchange a glance, and I get scared. What is wrong with me? The woman steps forward.

"Laurie, my name's Dr. Bailey and this is Dr. Karev," she says gently, gesturing to the handsome looking guy beside her. "And we work here with your Dad in Seattle. You had some bleeding in your spleen from the accident that I had to go in and fix, but Dr. Karev and I got it all, no complications. And Dr. Peterson here was able to stop the bleed in your head just fine. Now, you might have some-"

"Wait," I interrupt, my voice still raspy. "Accident?" I can feel the tears start to pool in my eyes. What is she talking about? I just want my mom and dad to come back. Dr. Bailey gives me another sympathetic look.

"Laurie, you were brought into the ER two nights ago with a guy who looked about your age after getting into a car accident," Dr. Karev tells me. "Do you remember, two nights ago?"

I close my eyes and shake my head, and a couple of tears fall. I can't remember anything about a crash; the last thing I remember is-

"Dr. Peterson, you need to run another CT on her," I hear Dad's stern doctor voice from the doorway. I notice Mom standing next to him, with red-rimmed eyes.

"Dr. Shepherd, let us finish the-"

"No. You're listening to me now, Peterson. She needs another head CT. O'Malley, go book the next available scan," he gives the awkward looking guy a look.

"Yes, sir," this Dr. O'Malley says to Dad, and quickly leaves the room.

I'm starting to get really nervous, and like I might pass out. "Dad, what's happening?" I look at him, knowing – hoping – he will tell me the truth.

Dad gives Dr. Peterson a look too, and the other doctor scribbles something down in a chart and most likely goes to find Dr. O'Malley. Dr. Bailey and Dr. Karev still stand at the foot of my bed.

"Please tell me," I croak, knowing that doctors tend to sugar coat information with patients to keep them calm. But I want to know what's going on. He comes and sits on the edge of my bed.

"We just want to make sure there's nothing else going with your brain. For precaution's sake."

I know he's not telling me the whole truth, but to be honest I'm too groggy to care. I just want to sleep.

"Okay," I tell him. He leans over and kisses my forehead before getting up off the bed and going to tell Dr. Bailey something. I roll my head lazily to the side that's not still throbbing and close my eyes. I hear a couple of words come out of Dad's mouth.

"…worried…"

"…memory…"

But I feel myself slipping again, my eyelids are so heavy, and soon I don't hear anything anymore.

* * *

The next time I wake up I'm alone and it's getting dark outside; I have no idea how long I've been asleep. I must have slept entirely through my scan, because I have no memory of it. My head feels slightly better, but I don't know if that's because of the drugs or because I'm really getting better. I wish I knew what I was doing here; I know that I had been trying to get to Seattle, but right now it feels like I just fell asleep somewhere and magically appeared exactly in the place I'd been meaning to get to, but not in a way I would have liked.

I remember Dr. Bailey telling me that there had been a guy in the car with me during the accident, but for the life of me I cannot remember _who_ it was, or even being in a car.

Frowning, I look around the room and spot a white board on the wall indicating the numerous times doctors and nurses have been in to check on me. I wonder where my parents are and am just about to press the button on my bed for the nurse, when I get a knock at my door. I look up. A petit woman with mousy hair wearing light blue scrubs is standing in the doorway, and looking at me as if she already knows who I am, even though I've never seen her before in my life.

"Are you another one of my doctors?" I ask her stupidly, still groggy.

"Oh, I um, well no. I mean I am a doctor, just not _your_ doctor. My name is Dr. Grey, Meredith. I have someone from downstairs who would like to come up and visit, if that's okay with you." I have a visitor? Last I checked the only people who know I'm here are my parents.

"Sure, I guess," I nod.

She turns around to leave.

"Wait!" I call after her as best I can.

Meredith turns around and looks at me again.

"Have I…have we met before?" There was something about the way she was looking at me. She comes in and sits on the stool next to my bed.

"Well, no, not really," she says. "I um, I've been working with your Dad a lot over the past few months, and well it's complicated, but when he told me he had a daughter and then that she was here, I had to come see for myself that she was okay."

"Oh, well, I'm sorry we had to meet this way," I chuckle. "I usually try to look a little more presentable." Meredith laughs. "I'm Laurie," I lift up my hand and she shakes it.

"It's just, your dad, he's a really good guy. He loves you more than anything else in the world, and I can tell, you know."

I can tell Meredith really cares about my dad.

"So wait, are you a surgeon too then?" I ask her.

"Surgical intern," she corrects. "First year."

"Brutal. But I mean, I want to be a doctor someday too, so…" I trail off. This is the first time I've really gotten to have a conversation here with someone who hasn't been poking and prodding me for answers I don't know how to give, or shining bright lights in my face. It's refreshing, especially since I'm still so confused.

"It's tough, but it's worth it," she smiles.

"I just wish everyone here would stop coming in here and constantly-"

Suddenly I'm cut off by the sound of my mother clearing her throat in the doorway. She's no longer dressed in scrubs, rather in jeans and a sweater, and she's wearing her glasses. I take this to mean that she's been here for a while, and she's tired.

"Oh, Dr. Montgomery-Shepherd," Meredith is startled. "I'm sorry, I was just leaving." She turns to me. "I'll be back up in a little while with your visitor."

"Okay, thanks." I give her a small smile before she walks out.

"How are you feeling?" Mom asks, coming to sit on the edge of my bed and placing a hand on my forehead.

"Honestly? Like I got hit by a train," I say. This doesn't amuse her though; her face just holds this permanently pained expression. To the best of my ability, I hold both of my arms up towards her, signaling that I want her to lie down next to me. Wrapping her arms around me gently, to avoid my sore ribs, she does just that. I snuggle my face into her neck, like I'm five years old again. The smell of her perfume is comforting.

"Mom," I say quietly. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have left the way that I did."

She sighs and kisses my head, running her fingers through my hair.

"And I shouldn't have said the things that I did." Suddenly the memory of her yelling at me over the abortion comes flooding back – her calling me irresponsible, calling me a slut. Involuntarily, I pull back from our embrace. She looks at me and puts a hand on my cheek. "Laurie, I am so sorry. I had no right to say what I did, and I should have listened. I read your letter and I…I'm so sorry, honey." I look at her. "But after you left, Laurie, I was so scared. I didn't know if I would ever…" her eyes fill up. "Please don't ever do that to me again. I can't lose you too."

She runs her fingers through my hair again. I close my eyes, letting her soothe my still slightly throbbing head.

"I love you, Mom," I wrap an arm around her middle again.

"I love you too, baby girl," she kisses my head again. "So much."

We lay there together in silence for a while, until Meredith comes back with my visitor. Mom gets up off the bed, clearly not knowing who it is either. But he clearly knows me.

"Hey, Laurie," he smiles at me as Meredith places his wheelchair right next to my bed. He has some solid bruising on his face and an arm in a cast. Despite the injuries, however, I see a boy with the most beautiful hazel eyes and wavy brown hair.

And I have no idea who he is.

* * *

Meredith leaves the room, so it's just my visitor, Mom, and me in the room. Mom goes and sits in a chair against the wall.

"Laurie?" He looks me, worry in his eyes. "Come on Laur, it's me, Charlie."

Charlie. Nothing.

"I…I'm sorry I don't remember. How do I know you?" I look at Mom, but I can tell she has no idea either. The boy named Charlie looks scared.

"We, we were in the car together when the accident happened. Laurie, I'm so sorry, that truck, it just came out of nowhere, and it was driving in the wrong lane. I never meant to hurt you," he takes my hand, and despite my apparent lack of memory, his feel surprisingly comforting.

"It's, it's okay," I tell him. "I mean, we're both here and alive. I just wish I could remember you but…"

"Can you remember anything about us?" He's hopeful.

I stare into his eyes for a few seconds, trying to imprint his face into my brain, but it's not working. I can't remember anything about him. I shake my head sadly.

"We were on our way to Seattle, Laurie, you wanted to find your dad," he looks like he wants to cry. "I found you in North Dakota, in that ugly little diner off the freeway," he smiles sadly and I can see Mom looking nervous in the corner. I haven't told her about my journey yet. "And I thought you were the most beautiful girl I had ever seen," he whispers, almost inaudible. I feel so awful.

"You um, you know my Nana. Irene Miller, remember? You met her on the train to Chicago. Come on, Laurie, you remember Irene Miller don't you?"

Irene Miller…I look up at Charlie, knowingly.

"Yes! I remember her, from the train," I smile. "You…the picture…Charlie!" The memory of seeing his handsome face in Irene's photograph comes back to me.

"Yes, yes Laurie it's me, it's Charlie," there are tears in his eyes now. "Can you remember anything else?"

"I don't…I can't remember meeting you but I know who you are."

"I'd actually like to hear about that too," Mom speaks from against the wall. "Who exactly are you?"

Charlie is startled, I don't think he knew someone else was still in the room.

"Oh, I, I'm sorry I didn't…wait, I know you," he turns to Mom.

"Excuse me?" she asks.

"I mean, my Nana, you were her doctor. Five years ago in New York, my Nana Irene Miller, she had uterine cancer and I remember you, you did the operation. My family came over from Chicago to take care of her after the operation and you, you did it."

Mom looks confused for a moment, she's had a lot of patients, but then it's as if a light went on in her head. "Irene Miller," she muses. "Yes, yes I do remember her! She showed me pictures of all of her grandchildren, and children, and pets," Mom trails off.

"That sounds like her," Charlie smiles. "I'm Charlie, Charlie Miller, her oldest grandson. And you're…"

"Laurie's mother, yes," she finishes.

He turns to me. "I knew I'd seen your red hair before," he winks.

Just then, another doctor walks into the room – a tall blonde wearing the same scrubs as Meredith.

"Ah Dr. Stevens," Mom addresses her.

"Hi, Dr. Montgomery-Shepherd, I just came in to check on Laurie, who it appears, is awake," Dr. Stevens smiles at me.

"Seriously, how many doctors do I have?" I ask incredulously. "I've lost count."

Dr. Stevens laughs. "Oh you won't be having too many anymore; those were just your surgeons. Your parents asked me to take on this particular case," she smiles. "Since your spleen is fixed Dr. Bailey said you could be discharged from her services. Now, we're just keeping an eye on that head of yours."

"Oh, okay well have at it then," I tell her lazily.

"My name is Dr. Stevens, but you can call me Izzie," she says, taking out her stethoscope to check my breathing.

"So Dr. Peterson and I have checked your latest head CTs, and we didn't find anything abnormal, but I heard you've been having problems remembering the accident?"

"And apparently some things before it," I finish.

"Okay. Sometimes that can happen, after major brain surgery it's just your body's way of healing itself. It shouldn't last more than a few days tops, but can you tell me the last thing you remember?"

It's completely silent in the room as everyone is watching me. I feel like some sort of animal on display all of the sudden.

"Well, I remember waking up in this hospital, but not knowing how I got here or why." Izzie nods at me. "I guess the last thing I remember before that is…"

I take a deep breath, racking my brain for something coherent.

"The bus," I look straight at Izzie, ignoring everyone else's gaze. "I needed to get away from that guy on the bus."

* * *

**Reviews would be amazing! Thanks so much for reading! :)**


	23. Chapter 23

**A/N: I'm baaaack! I can't believe it's actually been a month since I've updated this story. I send out my deepest apologies to all of you. But now fall semester is officially over and I am on winter vacation :) Therefore, lots of writing time. haha. Here is chapter 23 for you. Hope you like! Oh yeah, if you want a little more background to this story, I've started another "story" called Finding Our Way - One Shots, where I have a collection of one shots going of the Shepherd family prior to FOW. If you so desire, you can check them out. Personally, I think Laurie is a really cute little kid :3**

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything.**

* * *

**Chapter 23**

**Derek's POV**

I had told Addison I was going to go have a talk with Meredith, and I fully intend to. Just not right now. Now, I need to clear my head.

The clouds in the sky start to break and the sun shines through the trees as I drive back out to my trailer on Bainbridge Island. I didn't particularly want to leave my daughter while she was unconscious in the hospital, but I couldn't just sit there and listen to that monitor either. Professionally, I knew that it would be at least 12 hours until she woke up, especially if her heart had stopped. This gave me some time.

As soon as I get back, I don't even bother going inside; I immediately sit at the edge of the porch and put my head in my hands.

For the entire length of my time here, and even before, never in my wildest imagination did I think Laurie would ever do what she just did. In my heart of hearts, I knew my leaving her in New York may trigger her in some way, but I never thought it would be to run away. No, she's always been the most level-headed and logical in the family – thus was my reasoning when I made that drive across the country almost two months ago now.

And especially after Rinny's death, which I'll admit I still lay awake some nights thinking about, I remained in denial that another car could ever injure the only child I had left.

But the reality is, Laurie _did_ run away, she _did_ come to Seattle, and she _did_ get in a car accident. _How_ she got here and _why_ she was in a car still remains a mystery to me, but by this point I am confident that she will soon wake up and be able to tell me.

The question remains, however, what am I going to do about Addison? Our relationship has most definitely taken its ups and downs throughout the years, as would any couple's who lost a child. We had several good years, but then, Addison was right; we got busy and we got lazy, me in particular. I was told about a year ago now that I was first in line for the Chief of Surgery position at Mt. Sinai, and all of the sudden it was like nothing else mattered, and if my wife and daughter got shoved to the side every now and again, what did that matter. But it _did_ matter, and I am only now just realizing how much I must have hurt the both of them.

Addison cheated on me with my best friend. That is a fact. I was angry, and I had a right to be – no matter how neglectful I had been in the past, my wife was unfaithful. She went against our vows, and nothing either of us do now can change that.

Our relationship is complicated, and Meredith was supposed to fix that. She was supposed to be my answer. I was supposed to fall completely in love with her and forget Addison even existed. But now that my angry brain isn't clouding my logical one, and I've actually _seen_ Addison again since that night, I can't help but realize just how wrong I was…to think I was in love with Meredith, and to leave my family. And what happened in the on-call room with Addison only a few hours ago should be a reminder of that. I still love my wife. I am still in love with my wife.

Together, Addie and I made two beautiful little girls. One was taken from this world too soon, but we were lucky to have her. We _are_ lucky to have her. And the other, even though she's hurt, she's still alive, and I will do everything in my power to protect her, because she and her sister are the greatest things that have ever happened to me.

Standing up, I let out a breath I didn't even know I was holding. Heading inside the trailer, I quickly change my clothes and brush my teeth before heading back to the hospital. I can't be away from my family any longer.

* * *

"It's been over 20 hours," Addison sighs, sitting in the chair next to me in Laurie's room. I can tell by the tone of her voice how scared she is, and how much she's trying to hide it.

"I know," I go sit next to Laurie's bed and run a hand over the top of her head, avoiding the stitches that sit right on her hairline. "Just give her some time. Her vitals are strong. Her body just needs to heal." I place a kiss on her forehead.

"Well why can't it heal faster?" Addison snaps.

"Addie," I look at her.

"I'm sorry," she breathes. "I just hate this. How could we let this happen?"

"Addison, it's not either of our faults. Yes, we could have been better parents. We could have been a lot of things. But _this_, this accident, that's not your fault and it's not mine; it was some jackass who doesn't know how to drive a car and hit her. You can't blame yourself for this; Laurie wouldn't want you to blame yourself for this."

Addison just looks at me from across the room. I can tell she's probably thinking about Meredith, about what I said to her, since she thinks that's where I was when I went back to the trailer.

"I know," she whispers. "I just want her to wake up."

"She will. She will." I run a hand over Laurie's head one more time before I clasp her hand in mine, and wait.

A couple hours later, Addison and I are still sitting in Laurie's room, each of us slumped in a chair. The sound of moving sheets breaks the both of us from our daze. I look up, Laurie is waking up.

Addison immediately races over to the side of her bed.

"Laurie? Baby? Come on, honey wake up," she says quietly.

Laurie lets out a soft moan. As soon as I hear it I run out into the hall and yell for a nurse to page Peterson and Bailey immediately.

Walking back inside, I sit on the opposite edge of Laurie's bed.

"Laurie, Buddy, it's Daddy. Can you open your eyes for me?" I shine the flashlight in her eyes, even though I know how much it's probably hurting her. I feel a pang in my chest. I can see a small sliver of her blue eyes only for a moment until her body registers that she's still intubated. She starts to writhe slightly and I press my hands against her shoulders, looking her in the eye and telling her, very slowly, to breathe out so I can take the tube out.

With as much energy as she can muster, she coughs as I pull out the tube. Watching her struggle to wake up and process what's going on gives me another pang in my chest. But she's awake. She's awake. Addison takes her hand.

"Laurie, honey?" My voice breaks.

"Daddy?"

"Yeah, honey I'm right here. I told you I'd be right here."

As Addison exchanges a tearful hello, I can't help but notice how thin my daughter has gotten – something that can't have been caused by the accident. Especially for an athlete I'm surprised, and worried, at her frailty. It's almost as if she were starving herself before leaving New York, or something happened during her trip here that she has yet to explain.

"Made it?" I hear Laurie whisper to her mother. It suddenly dawns on me that she has no idea where she is.

"Laurie," I look her straight in the eye, the neurosurgeon in me coming out. "Do you know where you are?"

She looks at me. "I thought I just got off-"

But before she can finish, Peterson, Bailey, and a number of other doctors and nurses make their way into her room and begin to usher Addison and I out. Addison chokes on a sob when Laurie protests and I immediately open my mouth to say something, but before I can one of the nurses quickly tells me that Dr. Peterson "isn't able to work with family in the room." I know this, just from working with him, but this time it angers me. However, instead of going in and picking a fight, I stand as closely as possible to the glass door, listening to their every word.

Laurie remembers her name. But she doesn't know what city she's in, and she doesn't remember the accident. Only one of these is a good thing.

Ignoring everyone around me, I walk back into her room.

"Dr. Peterson, you need to run another CT on her," I say in a stern voice.

"Dr. Shepherd, let us finish the-" But I'm not having it this time.

"No. You're listening to me now, Peterson. She needs another head CT. O'Malley, go book the scan."

"Yes, sir," he leaves the room.

I glance at Laurie again and can see how nervous she is.

"Dad, what's happening? Please tell me." She sounds like she's going to cry.

"We just want to make sure there's nothing else going on in your brain. For precaution's sake." I don't tell her about the possibility of another bleed or brain damage. As smart and strong as she is, I can't scare her like that. I lean over and kiss her forehead before she closes her eyes again.

Standing up, I catch Peterson standing just outside Laurie's door.

"Dr. Peterson I realize I'm stepping into your territory here but I am telling you as a doctor I am worried about permanent damage to her memory here, and I don't think you need me to tell you that we _have_ to take the necessary measures to keep that from happening."

Without another word, I walk away. Now that my daughter's getting her necessary treatment, there's something else I need to take care of.

* * *

"You're staying with her." It's more a statement than a question.

"Yeah," I sigh. "She's my wife."

I can see the sadness and disappointment in Meredith's eyes as she looks at the on-call room floor, the both of us sitting on the lower bunk.

And Laurie, she's…she's here now. There was an accident and she's a patient…"

Suddenly, Meredith looks up. "Wait, a car accident?"

"Yeah, but I don't know what she was doing in a car, or who she was with, or anything," I run a hand through my hair. "And her memory isn't too…well I had O'Malley run another head CT on her so we can get some answers."

"Well, it's just I have this patient who was down in the ER with a broken arm and some facial lacerations from a car accident. He was asking for a Lauren. Do you think maybe-"

"He could have been asking for mine," I finish.

"That's what I was just thinking."

"Who's your patient?" I ask.

"His name's Charlie Miller, 19 year old Caucasian. Says he's a student at Seattle University. Does any of that sound familiar to you?"

I rack my brain for anyone by the name of Charlie Miller, and find nothing. "No, I have no idea. But can I-"

"Let's go." She stands up.

"Meredith," I start. I feel like there is so much more to say here, but I just don't have the ability to say it.

"It's okay," she nods. "I understand. Your daughter needs her family, and you can't just…you can't just end your family."

The two of us walk down to the ER, where Meredith's patient is still waiting to be casted.

"Charlie, this is Dr. Derek Shepherd, he's head of the Neuro department here at Seattle Grace," Meredith says as we enter the room.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, is there something wrong with my brain now, because my head feels fine!" Charlie looks between Meredith and me apprehensively.

"No, no, no," she walks over and stands next to him. "He just wants to talk with you about something."

"Wait a minute, Head of Neuro…you're Laurie's dad, aren't you?" Charlie asks me quietly.

"I am," I tell him, sitting at the edge of his bed. "And you're Charlie Miller. You were in the car with my daughter when the accident happened, weren't you?"

"Yes, sir," he looks down.

"Charlie, you seem like a decent kid and I don't want to scare you, but I need you to tell me everything you remember about this accident, and why my daughter was with you in the first place."

"Well," he takes a deep breath. "I'm from Evanston, Illinois and I was driving from there to here, because I play soccer for Seattle University and we have summer camps and training starting soon. I was driving through North Dakota, the middle of nowhere, when I stopped to get something to eat, and the only place around was this dingy little diner off the side of the freeway. I walked in and saw Laurie sitting at a booth."

He pauses.

"She was all alone, and she…she looked a little shaken up, so I said hello and we got to talking. She said she was on her way to Seattle, to see you. But the thing is, she didn't look like she had any way to get there, so I asked if she wanted to come with me."

I sit there, listening, not taking my eyes off him. Meredith still stands in the corner of the room, equally as attentive.

"I swear to you Dr. Shepherd, I didn't have any other intentions. I would never hurt your daughter. I just wanted to make sure she had a way to get to Seattle. She said no at first, but then just as I was about to leave, she changed her mind, and we left the diner together. But um, while we were talking in the diner, Laurie told me she had taken a train from New York to Chicago. Well, it turns out my Nana, Irene Miller, took that same train and Laurie ended up sitting next to her. So when I told Laurie my name, she knew who I was."

I have to say, I wasn't expecting this. I clear my throat. "And then the accident?"

"We had spent about three or four nights on the road together by that point, mostly with some of my friends from high school who lived along the way. We were almost to Seattle…just got over Snoqualmie, and she had just…she had just told me about that _prick_ – I mean her ex-boyfriend – and everything and I was mad that someone could…anyway, we were driving up a hill and all of the sudden this truck is coming at us from the opposite direction, driving in our lane. It was so close and I tried to swerve but...Oh God. I am so sorry."

There are tears in his eyes now and I can tell he's really beating himself up about this.

"Where is Laurie?" he asks. "Is she okay? Can I see her? I didn't mean to hurt her."

I turn to Meredith. "Dr. Grey, would you mind very much going up to my daughter's room? If she's come back from CT, let her know there's someone who wants to see her." She nods and leaves the room.

Charlie smiles at me. "Thank you, Dr. Shepherd."

"Well I, I suppose I should be the one thanking you. If what you're telling me is true, you saved my daughter's life when you picked her up in that little diner. And for that I owe you…more than you could ever imagine." The heavy feeling is coming back to my chest. I stick my hand out to Charlie and he shakes it.

"When Dr. Grey comes back she'll take you up to Laurie. But you should know, she's having some trouble remembering the accident, and maybe a little bit before, so if you could tell her, tell her anything that might help jog that memory, that would be great."

"When will we know if her memory loss is permanent?" he asks me.

"We're having another scan done on her brain to make sure there are no lasting issues, so right now we're waiting to see if that can give us any answers. She was in surgery earlier with Dr. Peterson, and he stopped the bleeding in her brain. Now we're just taking every extra precaution."

Charlie nods.

"I just hope she'll be okay."

I stand up from the end of his bed and take a deep breath.

"Me too."

* * *

After Meredith comes back and takes Charlie up to Laurie's room, I decide to take care of my rounds in the Neuro department before I go up and see her again. It's not that I didn't want to be up there with them, but I figured Addison was still somewhere near Laurie's room and if anything was going horribly wrong with either one of them, I would know about it by now.

I think about going to find Meredith again and continue our earlier conversation, but by this point I don't really think there is any more to say. I've made my decision, and she knows that. More talking about it could just be throwing salt in any wounds she may have now.

Once I'm through with rounds I head back upstairs to check on Laurie. Stopping at the nurses' station, I ask for Laurie's scans. Looking them over, nothing seems to be out of the ordinary. It'll just be a matter of time before her brain heals itself completely and her memory comes back. I breathe a sigh of relief. She's going to be okay.

I can see Addison in her room, sitting in the corner with Charlie while Izzie Stevens, the intern we asked to be put on our daughter's case, finishes her check-up exam. Figuring I would just wait for her to finish and leave the room before I go in again, I put Laurie's chart back and make sure there are no other ICU patients I need to check on any time soon. I don't look back into Laurie's room until Izzie is walking out.

What immediately catches my eye, however, is not Izzie leaving the room, but the look on Addison's face as she follows behind her. A nurse comes to take Charlie back downstairs. He protests, but then obliges after Izzie tells him he could come back later, after she's talked to Addison and me. This does not sound good.

I look at Addison's face again. She looks defeated, terrified, and exhausted all at the same time.

"Dr. Stevens, what is going on?" I ask, walking up to Izzie. "I reviewed her scans, there's nothing abnormal."

"No, Dr. Shepherd, it's um, it's not her brain we're worried about right now," she says quietly.

"Well then, what?" I gesture to my wife, who is clearly distraught.

"It's just, based on what I've been able to get Laurie to remember, what she said to me…Dr. Shepherd we think your daughter may have been sexually assaulted. I'm calling Psych now."

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**Review please! Thanks so much for reading! Chapter 24 to come soon :)**


	24. Chapter 24

**A/N: First things first, I really appreciate everyone who's read and/or reviewed my writing. However, this story isn't really getting a whole lot of response as of late, so I'm trying to decide how many more chapters I want to make it. Believe me, I could probably make this thing 50 chapters easily, because I love Addek and I love Laurie, but in reality, I don't think that'll happen. As of right now, I'm thinking probably five more chapters max, but it's really up to you guys. I will write so long as someone is there to read! haha. Anyway, I hope you enjoy this chapter :)**

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**Chapter 24**

**Lauren's POV**

I've been in the hospital for over two days now, and so far I remember nothing from the car accident, nothing from my trip with Charlie, and nothing after getting off of that bus in North Dakota. I remember thinking the guy who sat next to me was strange, and I wanted him to get away from me. So I got off early, but I have no idea what went on after that. And it's killing me.

Yet somehow, that warranted my talking with a psychiatrist.

It started after Izzie's first check-up with me, and I told her about the guy on the bus I was trying to get away from. I don't know why but as soon as I said that she and Mom both got these strange looks on their faces, and ever since then my parents have been acting very nervous around me, without telling me why. I'm not going to lie, it's weirding me out a little bit.

Honestly, the shrink isn't really helping either, because I still don't remember anything. Charlie, who was discharged yesterday, has been visiting me every day, loyally sitting by my bed, telling me stories about his soccer team, and about our journey, the one that we took together to Seattle. Also, he seems to have taken to my parents very well, and vice versa, so I guess that's a good thing for when I get my memory back.

And speaking of parents, they seem to be taking to each other very well too, which I'll admit confused me at first – it was like I woke up and all the sudden they were in love again – but now I figure they'll talk to me about it when the time comes. In the meantime I'll take what I can get.

I lay in my bed resting my eyes. I've asked Dad a dozen times for some reading materials but he said because of my concussion reading is "too strenuous." Luckily I was able to move out of ICU yesterday, so I have a little more privacy. So I'm surprised when all of the sudden I hear a group of voices getting closer outside my door.

"Alright Barbie just where exactly are you taking us?" I hear a sarcastic female voice first.

"Well since Really Old Guy is having his weekly check-up this afternoon," Izzie opens my door, apparently she is Barbie. "I figured you all could get better acquainted with Little Shepherd," she smiles at me. "Hey Laurie, mind if we eat in here? Our usual spot's occupied and Bailey's on the warpath." She walks in, followed by the four other first-year surgical interns, Meredith, Alex, George, and Cristina. As of now, Cristina's the only one I haven't met.

"Oh by all means," I wave them in. "I've no other form of entertainment."

"Awesome," she smiles and sits down. "Thanks. How's your head feeling?"

"Oh you know, my memory is still complete shit but otherwise, my head feels okay. And so long as I can have your lime jello, feel free to eat in here whenever. I hear the hospital's is to _die_ for," I widen my eyes and give an overly enthusiastic smile.

"Hey kid I wouldn't be throwing that word around too much today," Alex says in between bites of tuna sandwich. "Apparently three people have already kicked the bucket since this morning."

"Ugh, don't remind me," George groans from across the room.

"Hence why Bailey is on the warpath," Izzie whispers to me.

"Oh don't worry George, just because you were in the OR this morning doesn't mean people are gonna start calling you '007' again," Meredith sighs, sitting down in the chair in the corner closest my bed.

"So you're Little Shepherd?" The woman who must be Cristina asks.

"Guilty."

"God, Mer, why didn't you tell me sooner that McDreamy had a kid?" She turns to Meredith, who is flipping through a page of the Seattle Weekly magazine.

"Cristina!" Izzie snaps at her, before Meredith can answer.

"Excuse me," I laugh. "_What_ did you just call my dad?"

Alex snickers and George looks uncomfortable as Izzie looks at the floor and mutters something. Meredith turns red and Cristina is looking at her like she still expects an answer.

"Sorry, I didn't catch that," I look at Izzie.

"Um…McDreamy," she says aloud.

"Oh…_oh_, ew," I make a face. I've always known my dad is handsome, but forgive me if I don't want to hear about women fantasizing about him. Ew. "Okay that's condition number two Izzie; no eating in front of me and then calling my dad McDreamy…it's gross. And speaking of eating in here, what's going on with Really Old Guy?" According to Izzie, Really Old Guy is a comatose patient who's being kept alive by family who never visits, and occasionally the interns will all eat lunch in there together.

"Weekly exam," Meredith looks up from her magazine.

"Dude, it's nasty stuff," Alex makes a face. I stare at him incredulously.

"You're a surgeon and yet you think one poor old man is gross?!"

"Hey I never said geriatrics was my thing."

"Touché. I feel the same way about gynecology. No matter what my mother says about it, that is one area I refuse to poke around in."

"So Little Shepherd what's with the stuffed bear on your nightstand?" Cristina picks Winston up by the paw and wrinkles her nose.

"Oh, that's Winston, my most loyal companion. My parents gave him to me when I was three. And before you say anything," I notice her give me a look like I'm crazy for being so attached to a stuffed animal. "I used to do surgeries on him as a kid. The sutures on his stomach? That was when I removed his appendix and gall bladder."

"You know, I think I like you already," Cristina sets him back on the nightstand.

"Good to know my childhood quirks actually work in my favor sometimes," I smile. "So, you guys get any good cases today?"

"Um, not a quirk. It's called showing off your brilliance early in life," Cristina quips.

"Nothing more exciting than when Yang was the patient," Alex smirks.

"Oh shut up, Evil Spawn."

"Seriously though, not even you?" I turn to George. "You're the heart-in-the-elevator guy, right?"

"Izzie, do you keep anything a secret from this kid?!" George looks at her incredulously.

"Hey, she's not just some kid," Izzie reasons. "She's _medically interested_."

"And let's face it, Dr. Stevens over here is my primary form of entertainment. My memory is shot, I can't read, I can't get out of bed by myself until my head heals, the only other people I know here are my parents, _and_ Winston is fresh out of injuries that need fixing…" I trail off.

"I got a spinal tumor yesterday," Meredith looks up from her magazine again. "Patient was an adult, but her Dad wouldn't let us operate without-"

"The Shaman, yeah," I finish for her. "Dad told me about that this morning. That's intense."

"Okay, well if you promise not to say anything to anyone, there's this guy up in Psych…" Izzie starts, and I make a face. She already knows how I feel about the Psych department right now.

"Just let me finish," she says, leaning forward in her chair to whisper to me. "I may have discovered a male hysterical pregnancy that…isn't so hysterical."

"Shut up, no way!" I get a little too excited at the prospect of this patient.

"Okay now you're keeping secrets from the rest of us. Spill it, Little Shepherd," Cristina gives me a look.

"Nope, I'm not saying a word. But something tells me you'll find out eventually."

"Seriously?" George huffs.

"And just _what_ is going on in here?" Suddenly, my mother is standing in my doorway.

"Oh, hey," I say nonchalantly. "Winston and I were just making some new friends."

"Dr. Stevens?" Mom raises an eyebrow at her, ignoring me. Izzie, mid-bite, immediately picks up my chart while the other interns scramble out of my room. I chuckle.

"Laurie, it looks like you have your next appointment with Psych in a half hour, and then I'll be back to examine you," Izzie says to me after swallowing.

I laugh.

"Right. Thanks, Dr. Stevens."

* * *

"You wanna know what I think? I think this whole exercise is becoming pointless, because so far I've made zero progress." My appointment with my psychiatrist, Dr. Katharine Wyatt, is very low on the list of things I would rather be doing right now.

"Laurie," Mom sighs from the corner of my room where she and Dad are sitting. So far, they haven't sat in on one of my appointments as of yet, but today I gave them permission. We aren't getting anywhere anyway.

"I'm sorry but I don't know what else we can do here besides just wait it out," I look at her.

"Unfortunately, Dr. Montgomery-Shepherd, your daughter may be right," Dr. Wyatt says to her. "We've gone over her last coherent memories, I've given her visualization techniques, and there's no sign of external injuries so far, other than those she acquired from the accident. And as of right now, nothing has triggered her. Dr. Stevens may have her ideas, but we can't prove anything."

"See?" I sit up in bed. Although I have no idea what Dr. Wyatt was talking about with Izzie and her "ideas."

"But there's no _medical_ reason why she doesn't have her memory back yet," Dad points out. "We've done the scans and they're clean. No seizures, no anything."

"Well first of all I think we should be looking at those as good things," Dr. Wyatt tells him. "But I think, Laurie, I'm not going to schedule another appointment with you until next week. That'll give your head more time to heal and you can practice those visualizations we talked about."

I nod.

"And if there's nothing else you want to talk about, we can have Dr. Stevens come back and do your exam. I don't see why it should be an issue right now."

"Okay, thanks Dr. Wyatt," I smile at her as she sets my file back next to my bed and acknowledges my parents on her way out.

Only a moment later Izzie returns and Dad leaves so she can do her exam on me. Since I'm no longer a virgin and have had an abortion – something I don't like to think about – unfortunately, I have to have a pap smear with my physical. I asked Mom if she could stay for it, because I've never had one done before and am a little nervous about it. Therefore, the five-year-old in me comes out and asks her mother to hold her hand.

"Alright, I kept the speculum warm so you shouldn't have too much discomfort," Izzie says, pulling up the stool to sit between my legs. I am already having flashbacks to the last time I had to do this – albeit for a completely different reason – and I don't like it.

"You'll make it quick, right?" I ask her, and Mom squeezes my hand. I can tell she's a little uneasy since she knows about my abortion and everything now, and since she does this kind of thing as an OB/GYN all the time, yet legally, she can't do it for me. I just hope she's not having visions of me lying like this with a suction tube.

"As quick as I can," she smiles at me. "But still thorough of course," she adds, catching Mom's eye. "Ready?"

I sigh. "Just do it."

As soon as the speculum touches me, everything comes flooding back all at once. So fast. I can't make it stop.

_Mind if I sit here?_

_Well of course we're friends, Sweet Thing._

_Well alright then, I'll see you around, Sarah._

_You didn't think you could escape me that easily, did you Sweet Thing?_

_Only one of us can have this one!_

_Does the little girl want her mommy and daddy? Well you ain't goin' nowhere, not if I can help it…_

_Shut the _fuck _up! You're mine._

_That's a good girl…_

_Oh no. You think you can escape me, Sweet Thing?_

I feel _his_ hands on me, inside me, hitting me. I'm screaming but it won't stop. I take another blow to the face. _His_ fingernails scratch me underneath my shirt. I feel sick. I have to stop the pain. I have to fight.

_YOU'RE NOT GOING TO WIN THIS!_

I swing the crowbar. _He_ is unconscious. I'm running, running, running. I stop running. The pain comes back and I have nowhere to go. I'm sleeping in the grass alongside the freeway while the thunder rolls in the distance. I wake up. I'm bleeding, and I'm throbbing.

_Rinny._

"_I'm swimming! Daddy, Mommy, I'm really swimming! Look at me!"_

"_Oh my girls, thank God you're alright."_

"_It's okay Daddy. We're all together now."_

_You found us._

But no one is finding me. I'm walking, walking, walking. I'm calling you, but you don't pick up and the phone disconnects. A boy not too much older than me walks in, with the most beautiful hazel eyes and wavy brown hair I have ever seen.

_Hi._

_Oh, hi._

_His foot accidentally brushes against mine and it takes everything in my power not to jump a mile._

I'm not ready for anyone to touch me.

"_So you never told me what _you're_ doing out here. It isn't every day that you see a beautiful redhead out in the middle of nowhere by herself…"_

_He called me beautiful._

"_I go to Seattle University actually…that's who I play soccer for too."_

_Wait! I…I'll go with you._

"_Glad to hear you've changed your mind. My name's Charlie, Charlie Miller."_

My savior is Irene Miller's grandson. In my mind I am hurt, I am damaged, I am violated, and I am broken. I'm sleeping at Evan's house, he's Charlie's friend. Physically, my body is damaged. I'm taking a shower and I feel _him_ touching me again. I can't breathe, I can't think. I'm sitting in the car. I'm sitting on my father's lap.

_Daddy?_

"_Are you scared of the storm, sweetheart?"_

"_Look at the raindrops on the window, Laur."_

"_Whenever you get scared of the storm, just watch the raindrops go down the window."_

"_Ready, set, go!"_

_Ready, set, go._

"STOP! STOP!" I yell until my voice is hoarse. I'm back in my hospital room. "DON'T TOUCH ME!" I rip my clammy hand out of my mother's grasp and start thrashing around.

Izzie, who had been sitting at my feet in order to do my pap smear exam, drops the speculum on the floor and is looking terrified. She wasn't expecting this. But I can't stop, and my mind keeps taking me back to that day, trapped, in the back of the van…

"No! No! No…_stop!_" Hot tears run down my face. "You can't have me!" I yell at no one in particular. My head thrashes from side to side, and I catch a glimpse of Mom, who had been holding my hand. The expression on her face is one of sheer horror and she's crying. She doesn't know what's going on. She tries to grab my hand again but I swat hers away in my panic, which scares her even more. Suddenly, Izzie is yelling my name.

"Laurie! Laurie! Laurie, look at me!" She grabs my shoulders forcefully. "It's _Izzie_, it's Dr. Stevens, can you look at me?" Then, she's yelling at a nurse who hears the commotion in my room and asks what she can do to help. By now, Mom has shrunk into the corner; she has no choice but to watch this play out. I can't even really process her right now.

"Page Dr. Wyatt and get me two of lorazepam!" Izzie shouts to the nurse while still holding me down by my shoulders.

"Right away, Dr. Stevens," the nurse runs out of the room.

"Please," I half-cry, half-breathe. "Please LET ME GO!" I struggle, but Izzie's grip is strong.

"Laurie, you're gonna be okay, you're at Seattle Grace Hospital. It's me, Izzie. You're gonna be okay, you just need to calm down for me."

I grip onto her arms as tightly as I can and look into her eyes. I'm trying to tell myself that it's Izzie, that she won't hurt me, but my body won't listen.

Before I know it, Izzie is prying herself from my grasp and injects something into my IV. My head lazily falls to one side and I catch another glimpse of my mother – she's trying very hard to compose herself. The drugs are calming me, to the point where I realize how badly I must have scared her, and I feel bad about it. But she has no idea. Izzie has no idea. No one has any idea. No one except for me.

I remember everything.

* * *

"Take me through what you remember, Laurie."

Dr. Wyatt came back to my room immediately after she was paged 911. Really it's ironic that earlier today she had mentioned that "nothing had triggered me." Well, apparently we found my trigger. Both my parents are sitting in here with me. Legally, because I'm under 18 and this is a case dealing with…what I'm dealing with, Dr. Wyatt can't keep what I need to talk about confidential from a parent or guardian.

It's as though my eyes haven't stopped watering ever since I remembered. I'm not even necessarily crying or in a fit of hysterics. But my eyes are puffy and red, and my face is pale. I don't even feel anything anymore though. After my episode earlier this afternoon, I am numb. I take a deep breath.

"I needed to get away from that guy on the bus. I…I had taken the train from New York to Chicago, but I didn't have enough money for another one after that so I had to take the bus to get to Seattle. He…he was on the bus." Even referring to my attacker out loud as "he" makes me feel nauseous.

"Take as much time as you need," Dr. Wyatt gives me a kind look.

"I first saw him in the bus station in Chicago and he kept giving me looks that made me really nervous. I didn't want him to sit next to me when we got on, so I started talking to this girl about my age; I was trying to make it look like we were together. But then she, she got off in Minneapolis when…when I was sleeping.

"A few hours after she got off, he…he came and stood next to me and asked to sit down," I can feel my hands get even clammier and my heart rate start to increase. "I never said yes but he just _sat down_ and there was no one around, and he didn't make it look like he was doing anything wrong. I got really nervous and didn't know what to do. I told him my name was Sarah when he asked. I was in public, I…I thought I would be fine."

My voice gets quieter.

"He kept calling me…_Sweet Thing_, and all I wanted to do was scream. I wanted to scream at him to _get away from me_ but he wouldn't leave," I pull my knees to my chest. "He touched my leg," I whisper, "and that's when I knew I had to get off at the next stop," I swallow. "No matter what."

"I told him I had to get off and I did. In Fargo, North Dakota. I figured…I figured someone at the station would be able to help me because I barely had any more money and I was stuck, but I couldn't stay on the bus with that guy. _Someone_ should help me. I wandered around looking for route maps, and, and I took out my phone because after what happened, I, I wanted to hear Mom's voice," I choke up, "and I knew she had left me messages."

I turn my head and look at Mom, who's no longer trying to hide the tears that are falling down her face. The way she's looking at me makes me feel like my heart is ripping out of my chest. It's almost as if she's having an internal battle with wanting to hold me, yet being afraid to touch me, and I don't blame her.

"Mom," I whisper to no one in particular. "I'm sorry…I love you…I will call you back."

"Did you listen to her message?" Dr. Wyatt asks, and I look back at her.

"Yes," I whisper. "Right before I said that."

"And then what do you remember?"

"Someone grabbed me from behind. It was him." I can still hear his slimy voice in my ear, and I involuntarily cover them.

"Laurie?" Dr. Wyatt moves the stool she's sitting on closer to me.

"He whispered to me 'You didn't think you could escape me that easily, did you…_Sweet Thing_?'" I move my hands from my ears and stare at my fingernails.

"I tried to scream but he covered my mouth with his hand and his grip was so tight. There were, there were two other guys. They threw me in the back of a van and he was sitting next to me. I kept screaming but he just kept hitting me and hitting me, and telling me to shut up and I didn't know what else to do," my breathing increases.

"We're driving, driving, and then they stop. My shoulders hurt so bad because they tied my arms behind my back, and there's duct tape over my mouth. The other two guys leaving, so it's just me and…_him_." My sentences are barely coherent anymore.

"He shoves me down so I'm lying on my back. I'm dizzy. My head hurts from hitting the floor so hard. I struggle but he's hitting me again and he kicks me in the stomach so I can't breathe and I can't move."

Dr. Wyatt just sits there with a hard stare.

"And then he…" but I can barely finish because I start breathing really hard and crying. "Fingers…"

I can't tell if Dad looks like he wants to break something or be violently ill. Either way he does what Mom can't right now and scoops me into his arms as I lie there, crying. I want to stop so I can continue, but now I just need a moment. I lean into Dad's chest as he kisses the top of my head, unable to say anything.

"Charlie," I whisper after a moment.

"What about Charlie, did Charlie hurt you too, Laurie?" Dr. Wyatt asks as Dad rubs my back.

"No, but he found me," I mutter.

"Where? Where did Charlie find you?"

"In a diner, off the side of the freeway in North Dakota, the day after…I was running for so long, and I had slept in the grass on the side of the road." Dad squeezes me tighter. "When I got up I started walking and walking, trying to find someone who could help me. Charlie found me in the diner. I know I should have been scared of him, given what happened, but once I found out who he was, I knew I would be okay."

"What do you mean by 'who he was?'"

"On the train from New York to Chicago I sat by a lady named Irene Miller." I hear Mom sniff in the background. "She and I talked, a lot, and she showed me a picture of her grandson Charlie. My Charlie…is her Charlie."

"And Charlie brought you here?"

"Yes," I sit up a little, with Dad's arms still around me. "But…we got in an accident. And then the next thing I remember…is Daddy, talking to me."

"Laurie, there's one more thing you're going to have to tell me," says Dr. Wyatt.

"What?"

"You haven't told me his name."

"Who's name?" I whisper, even though I know who she's talking about.

"Your rapist."

I haven't even allowed myself to use that word, let alone remember _his_ name. The word sounds like fingernails against a chalkboard – something I always try to block out.

"No…I wasn't…"

"Laurie, in order to get past this, you need to first admit to yourself. You were _raped._"

"No," I start shaking my head violently.

"Yes, Lauren, you need to look at me," she scoots even closer to me as Dad retreats back to where Mom is sitting. I don't really blame him for that either.

"Look. At. Me." Dr. Wyatt places her hands on my cheeks, forcing me to stop moving and look at her. My eyes well up again.

"What was his name?"

"I don't remember," I tell her.

"I don't believe you."

"_I don't remember!_" I shout, even though…I do.

"Yes you do. You have to tell me his name, you have to put this behind you."

I just look at her for a moment and she moves her hands from my face. Letting out a deep breath I lean back against my pillow and pick up Winston. I play with his fur. Suddenly, my mouth is forming the shape of _his_ name, over and over again.

"Laurie, say his name out loud."

"His name," I swallow, "is Marcus."

* * *

It's been over a day now since I've said Marcus' name.

Mom and Dad, Mom in particular, have barely left my side since. As much as I appreciate it and as protected as it makes me feel, I can see how tired the both of them are and I don't want them to have to sleep in a stuffy hospital again because of me. I'm still feeling panicky, but right now I need to think about my parents too. I can't let this take a huge toll on them. And if I'm thinking about them, it'll keep me out of the inside of my head for a little while, at least.

"You need to sleep," I run a hand through Dad's hair as he sits in a chair right next to my bed.

"Hmm what?" He's dozing off. "I am sleeping…I can sleep in here."

"Dad," I give him a look. "The both of you should go…" I almost say "home" but then I realize I don't actually know where Dad's "home" is here. To me, "home" is still in New York. "You should go get some real sleep." Mom gives me an unconvinced look, like she can tell my smile is forced and all I want to do is break down and cry. "Really, Mom," I try again. "I'll be fine, and you two look exhausted."

"Honey…" she starts, but I interrupt.

"Please? For me?" Because I really just want to cry and I can feel a panic attack coming on but I don't want you to see any of it, I think to myself. "Someone in this room should get a decent night's sleep." And it's most likely not going to be me.

Mom lets out a sigh as Dad sits up in his chair.

"Laurie, are you sure?" he asks.

"Yes, I'm sure." Sure I need you both to get out of here.

Mom stands up and cups my face with her palms.

"I love you so much, sweetheart," she gives me a sad smile. "Everything is going to be okay."

If it weren't for the fact that I am my mother's daughter and my Montgomery genes run deep, I would have let myself lose it right then and there. But instead I just smile back and reach out to hug her. She kisses my temple.

"I love you too, Mom."

"You try and get some rest, honey. We'll be back first thing in the morning," Dad says as he kisses my forehead. "I love you."

"Love you too, Dad."

The both of them give me as much of a smile as possible before leaving my room together. A genuine warm feeling passes through me as I see Dad take Mom's hand as they head down the hallway, but as soon as they're out of sight, the darkness swallows me whole.

Pulling my knees to my chest, I finally let out the sob that's been camping out in my throat. Why did this have to happen to me? This guy hurt me, and now he's inside my head and I have no idea how to get him out. My breathing increases as the tears fall down my face. I don't know what to do to fix myself, and other people can only try to fix me for so long before I officially become a lost cause.

I pick up Winston, who had been sitting on my nightstand, nuzzle my face into his fur and let out every raw emotion I have built up inside me. Sadness, anger…fear. In my distress I don't hear Mom come back to my room.

"Sorry, honey, I just forgot my sweater…" she pauses, noticing me. "Oh, Laurie."

I don't look up at her but as soon as she lies down beside me in my bed I snuggle into her, almost unable to breathe from crying so heavily.

"Shh, shh you're okay baby girl," Mom whispers, her hand cupping my head to her chest. "I'm right here, I've got you."

She rests her lips against my head and gently rubs my back.

"Just breathe, baby. You're okay," she whispers.

But I can't stop, the sobs just keep coming. I think of how badly I wanted my mother after the attack, and that brings about a whole other slew of emotion. Soon, Mom's deep breaths turn into sobs as her barrier breaks and she's crying with me; she doesn't even try to hold it in any longer. I bury my nose into her chest.

"Mommy," I choke, gripping her shirt with one hand.

"Laurie," she cries, squeezing me tighter. "I wish I could make this better for you. There has to be something I can do to fix this for you. I fix things, honey, it's what I do. I…I promise I'll never let anyone hurt you again." She runs her fingers through my hair.

I nod against her chest, my breathing slowing down. She takes one hand and tilts my chin up to look at her for the first time. Her blue-green eyes are swimming.

"Lauren. I'll never let anyone hurt you again," she repeats, placing a hand on my cheek. "You understand me?"

"Yes," I whisper as she wipes my tears with her thumb.

"Good," she gives a soft smile. I snuggle back up against her, wrapping an arm around her middle.

"Could you stay with me again tonight?" I whisper. I feel so drained.

"Of course I will," she kisses my forehead. "I'm not going anywhere, sweetheart."

After a moment of silence I ask. "Mom, what's going to happen to me?" I can't keep living like this forever.

"You're going to get better, honey. I promise. It's just going to take some time. But you'll get there…you'll get there."

I'll get there.

* * *

I'm so exhausted. That feeling of not being able to breathe, not being able to think, that threatened to do me in during Charlie and my journey and then again a few nights ago, is still poking around my insides.

I lay in my bed, shaky. Realistically, I know no one in this hospital is going to hurt me, but ever since Izzie's exam, and that appointment, I feel _his_ hands on me constantly. Mom sits in the corner of my room; like a faithful blanket she's never left my side since I remembered, and has held me like I'm small again while I try relentlessly to fall asleep. Her face holds this permanent pained expression, and her eyes are red. My pain has become hers, and I hate it. She's had enough to last her a lifetime.

Taking a deep breath, my head lazily turns from side to side on my pillow as I let it out.

"What is it, honey?" Dad asks from the corner of the room. I jump; I didn't know he was in here too. Mom looks up and gives me that pained expression again.

"N-nothing. I'm fine." I close my eyes as she comes and sits at the edge of my bed, holding my hand and rubbing soft circles with her thumb.

I hear a knock at the door.

"Laurie?" A kind voice says my name. It's Charlie. Thanks to Dad, he now knows what happened to me because I don't think I could have told the story again. I look up; despite everything, I am happy to see him. He saved me.

"Hey, Charlie," I smile lazily. Mom turns around on the bed, but she doesn't get up or let go of my hand. Dad stands up to greet him.

"Laur, I um, I have someone here who would like to see you, if that's okay." The way he's looking at me lets me know that whoever he's bringing in won't hurt me, because he would never hurt me.

"Okay," I nod. Mom moves from my bed and stands up, running a hand over the top of my head as I'm leaned against my pillow.

Before I can say anything else, Charlie is walking into my room, followed by someone who I recognize all too well.

"Well hello there, sweet girl," she smiles at me, and for the first time since I remembered, a genuine smile comes to my face in return.

"Irene."

* * *

**Let me know what you think. Thanks for reading :)**


	25. Chapter 25

**A/N: First of all, thank you all so much for the wonderful reviews for chapter 24. I've decided with this story, I'm just going to write until I can write no longer. And if that means FOW makes it to 50 chapters, then so be it :D Here is chapter 25...enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything.**

* * *

**Chapter 25**

**Addison's POV**

Her head nestled against my chest, I watch Laurie as she sleeps. With my arms wrapped around her I run my fingers through her hair. It's the middle of the night – her fifth night in the hospital since she woke up – and it's been over a day now since she gained her memory back. As I lay here I can't help but flashback to when Laurie was a little girl, seeking comfort from Derek and me after a nightmare, or when she was an infant, and would fall asleep in my arms when I sat in the rocking chair. Except now, no matter how much comfort I give to her, this isn't just some nightmare. This is real life, _her_ life, and no matter how hard I try, I can't erase this from her memory.

I run the back of my hand over her cheek as she stirs. Closing my eyes, I breathe in the scent of her hair as I remember everything that's happened within the past few days. I feel a wave of nausea pass through as I think about my daughter being…_raped_…and all of the horror and pain she must have had to go through, and then internalize. As an OB/GYN I've had patients who have been victims of rape, and I've seen what it can do to them, how much it can damage them. And this time it kills me more than anything else that I can't do anything to fix it; all I can do is sit back and wait for Laurie to be ready to move forward, and who knows how long that will take.

If I could take all of that horror and pain from Laurie and give it to myself I would; seeing her this way, hearing her talk about her attack, and witnessing her panic attack last night, I would give anything to take that kind of pain away from her. My beautiful girl. My little baby. Just the thought of someone hurting her, touching her, makes me want to kill, and I swear if I ever find out who her attacker really is, I will kill him.

Rinny's killer had killed himself right after he hit my girls, driving drunk. Thus, all of the anger I had felt toward the monster that killed my baby I had to direct at other things and other people, because the guy was no longer alive. But this time, the monster is still alive. Still out there. So, I have to do everything in my power to protect the only child I have left. It's just like I told her a few hours ago – I will never let anyone hurt her again.

Before her panic attack, Laurie had told Derek and me to go home for the evening, because she didn't want us to have to sleep in a "stuffy hospital" again. My daughter, always thinking about other people even when she's the one in pain. I had obliged and left with Derek. Despite what Derek said in the on call room about moving forward, however, because Laurie's been a patient in the hospital, I have not yet gone "home" with him, wherever his "home" here is. In fact, I don't think I've even really left this building since Laurie got here, except to get clothes from my hotel room.

Derek and I left last night with the full intention that I would spend the night with him, my "first" night with him. While we still have a long way to go with our marriage and gaining back one another's trust, we need each other right now.

That was until I forgot my sweater, draped over a chair in Laurie's room. I walked back in to grab it only to find my daughter in tears, unable to catch her breath. She doesn't look at me, which is good because I can only imagine my face as I looked at her and felt my heart rip in half. I lay down next to her, cradling her in my arms, in the hopes that I could calm her down. Instead, as she lay there sobbing, my barrier broke and I was crying alongside her. Although my daughter is the most important person in the world to me, crying in front of her is something I've always tried to avoid. I want to be strong for Laurie, yet when it's she who is hurt, it's so easy for me to break.

And now here we are.

Laurie mumbles in her sleep, and I'm afraid she's having a nightmare.

"Shh…I'm right here, honey," I whisper to her over and over, just in case she can hear me. It's not until she settles again that I let out the breath I didn't realize I was holding. I kiss the top of her head and hold her tighter.

"Just sleep now, Laurie."

Only a few moments later, I feel myself start to relax and sink into my own fitful slumber.

* * *

The next few days passed by in a blur. I told Richard that because of Laurie's condition, I didn't want to be called in for consults or cases. I'll admit that ever since Derek and I…happened…that one time in the on call room, I've been considering taking Richard's offer to stay:

"_He's going to want me to move here, Richard, I can tell_._ To pick up _everything_ and move."_

"_Don't just stay for him, Addison. Stay for me, stay for yourself, stay for your daughter. I think…I think we both know she's going to need help. She's going to need both of her parents."_

"_Richard, I…"_

"_And as a doctor, in Seattle you can be front page news, with your reputation. And the money I'll put in to promoting you, Seattle Grace will become one of the foremost neonatal hospitals west of Manhattan."_

_Is he being serious?_

"_You're serious?"_

"_I'm ready to put my money where my mouth is."_

All things considered, it's an amazing offer. But am I being realistic here? I have a daughter to think about. I know Richard was right – she's going to need both Derek and me – but could she handle picking up and moving her life out here too?

Those are the thoughts running through my head as I sit in Laurie's room, evening settling in. I try not to watch her the entire time, to give her some space, but even when I'm not looking at her I can feel her exhaustion and nervousness, and it breaks my heart.

From the corner I hear her take a deep breath and move around slightly.

"What is it, honey?" Derek asks from his chair next to me. Laurie jumps, and I feel a lump bubbling at the bottom of my throat again. I just wish I could do something, _anything_, to make this better for her. To fix her.

"N-nothing. I'm fine." She closes her eyes, and before I know it I'm moving to sit on the edge of her bed, taking her hand and rubbing soft circles with my thumb. "Fine;" I know that word all too well, especially the dishonesty behind it.

I hear a knock at the door.

"Laurie?" A kind voice says my daughter's name, and without even having to turn around, I know it's Charlie, the boy who saved my daughter's life. Laurie's eyes brighten slightly.

"Hey, Charlie," she smiles lazily. I turn around to look at him. Now walking, Charlie had been discharged a few days ago. For a while he had refused to leave Laurie, but once a few of his teammates came to see him and help him get back to school, and I had told him we would take care of her and keep him updated, he had agreed to leave.

"Laur, I um, I have someone here who would like to see you, if that's okay." His expression is similar to mine – one that reflects watching someone you love be in pain, and not being able to do anything about it. That's just it though – _someone you love_. Charlie loves my daughter.

If things were normal right now, I'm sure Laurie and I would have had plenty of conversation about this. Someone is in love with my daughter, someone not just looking to use her, and I think...I think I might be okay with it.

I move from the bed to stand beside Laurie, running a hand over the top of her head as she's leaned against her pillow.

Only a moment later, Charlie is walking into her room, followed by someone I think Laurie and I both recognize.

"Well hello there, sweet girl," Irene Miller smiles, looking at Laurie.

"Irene," she smiles back, as I try to hide the surprised expression from my face. My patient from five years ago in New York is currently in my daughter's hospital room in Seattle, and hugging her tightly. Before I say anything, I walk over to Derek and let the scene play out.

"Oh, honey, I'm so glad to see you. I just couldn't believe it when Charlie called me two days ago about the accident. I couldn't believe out of all the people, it was you he'd been with all this time," she sits on the edge of the bed.

Laurie sniffs and wipes a tear from her cheek.

"I'm really glad to see you too," she says. "And I…I couldn't believe it either, but once I…once I found out who Charlie was, I knew I would be safe if I came here with him. He, he saved me." She looks over at Charlie, standing behind his grandmother.

"Once he told us about the accident, his father – my son – decided to come out here straight away. But when I found out it was you he was with, I had to come with him. To see the both of you."

"Well, I appreciate it," Laurie says. "It's been kind of boring around here so far, until my memory…" she stops.

"Shh…I don't need to hear about that right now honey, you just rest, and talk when you need to talk. But between you and me, I think that sister of yours would be mighty proud of you right now."

My heart jumps in my chest; Laurie told Irene about Rinny. I can probably count on one hand the number of people she's trusted enough to talk about her sister with, and that includes her best friends. I clear my throat before this conversation can go any further, and everyone looks at me.

"Why, Dr. Shepherd, I had no idea you were here!" Irene beams at me.

"Irene, these are my parents," Laurie looks at Derek and me. "I think you've met my mother…"

"Yes, yes we've met," I tell her as Derek shakes Irene's hand.

"Well I guess it's only fitting that the doctor who saved my life should have a daughter as lovely as this," Irene hugs me and I smile. Eventually that smile turns into a grimace as I remember how outgoing and talkative this woman is.

"So you were one of Addison's patients then?" Derek asks, sitting down.

"Five years ago, uterine cancer," Irene tells him before I can even open my mouth to speak. "Your wife is an amazing lady, Dr. Shepherd."

Derek looks at me.

"I know," he responds quietly and takes my hand. I feel a tingle go through my fingers at his touch.

"So um, Irene what, what are you doing here?" I ask, even though I already know the answer.

"Well when I heard Charlie was hurt I of course wanted to come and see if he was alright, but then once I heard he was with the little girl I sat next to on the train to Chicago, I knew I had to come. I had to be sure both of them were safe…I had no idea she was yours. My son is here too, but he's still down in the lobby; didn't know if this little one would be up for too many visitors," she turns toward Laurie.

I then hear my daughter say quietly to Charlie that she'd like to meet his father.

"Honey, are you sure you want more people up here?" Derek walks over to her. "You need your rest."

"Dad, I've been resting for days," she sighs. "I don't, I don't think I'm okay just yet, but I…I want people in here. I want you and Mom and…and people I can trust around me right now. It's okay," she takes his hand.

Derek kisses her forehead.

"Okay."

Charlie leaves to go get his father as Irene and I both sit back down. Immediately she asks me if I remember the granddaughter she had told me about during one of her appointments with me. I sigh, and say yes, bracing myself for the long story that lies ahead. Irene's a sweet old lady, I'll give her that, but the woman _loves_ to talk, and used to constantly make me wish I still had more than one child. It was because of her that I became caught between wanting another baby, and being too afraid of replacing the one I lost.

Moments later, Charlie reappears with a middle aged man with dark, wavy hair.

"Laurie, this is my dad, David Miller."

"So this is the famous Laurie my son won't stop talking about?" He shakes her hand. "You must really be something, then." I notice Laurie blush.

"I'm just sorry you had to meet me like this, Mr. Miller," Laurie says.

"Please, call me David," he responds, turning to Derek.

"You must be Laurie's father?"

"I'm Dr. Derek Shepherd," Derek says, putting the emphasis on doctor. I snicker.

"David Miller," he shakes Derek's hand with a firm grip.

"Well David, you've raised a good boy," Derek lets go of his hand, referring to Charlie.

"Thank you," David nods. "I'll admit my wife and I were skeptical at first about letting him drive out here from Chicago for school, but now," he glances at Laurie. "Now I'm sure glad he did."

"Addison and I are too," Derek runs a hand over Laurie's hair. David turns to me.

"It's nice to meet you," I shake his hand, right before Derek's pager goes off.

"It's Dr. Karev, 911…dammit," he mutters. "I have to take this. You'll be okay, honey?" He looks at Laurie.

"Yeah, you can take it Daddy. But tell Alex to come say hi to me again soon," she says quietly.

"Okay. I'll be back as soon as I can, sweetheart," he kisses her forehead then leaves the room.

"Mom, when do you think I'm gonna be able to leave here?"

I look up from my seat next to Irene when I hear Laurie say my name.

"I actually might be able to give you an answer to that," comes a voice from the doorway. It's Izzie.

"Hi, Izzie," Laurie says quietly.

"Well I think that's our cue," Irene pipes up from next to me. "David, why don't you and I take Charlie back to school, and we'll come see Laurie again soon."

"Yeah, we'll leave you alone with one of your hundreds of doctors," Charlie smirks.

"Hey, there are only two of us now," Izzie sets down Laurie's chart which I have to restrain myself from looking at.

"Whatever man, that's still two too many."

"This coming from a guy who wants to _be_ a doctor when grows up," Laurie turns her head to look at Charlie. A doctor? Now this I didn't know. Impressive.

"Hey, that doesn't mean I have to go hanging around with a whole dozen of them just yet," he laughs. "Well, I'll see you tomorrow, Laurie. Feel better soon."

"Okay, thanks so much for coming to see me, and it was nice meeting you," she says to David.

"You get some rest honey, I'll be back to see you soon," Irene smiles as the three of them leave the room.

"They seem like a nice bunch," Izzie observes after they leave.

"Yeah, well you know Charlie, but that was his dad and grandmother. Mom and I know his grandmother from…well from New York."

"So, already meeting the parents, hmm?" Izzie winks at Laurie, who blushes again, and I chuckle.

"No she certainly is not 'meeting the parents,' Dr. Stevens," I cut in.

"Mom!"

"I'm sorry, honey, but you're officially no longer allowed to meet any parents again until you're 40…and I'm dead." I don't want her to know I'm okay with her and Charlie just yet...let her think I'm the overprotective mother for a little longer.

"Okay for one, when I'm 40 you'll only be 63; nowhere near death. And two, no way."

Our banter is almost making me feel like she's back to normal again, well…relatively speaking.

Izzie laughs. "Any headaches today, Laurie?"

"Not until right now…" she mutters and I shoot her a look. "It kind of hurt this morning, but it gets better as the day goes on. When um, when can I be discharged?" She asks as Izzie listens to her heartbeat underneath her gown.

"Well Dr. Peterson would like to do one more head CT before you leave just to confirm that there's still no bleed, but because you did have brain surgery, we would like to keep you for another week or so."

Laurie groans.

"Laurie," I give her another look.

"Sorry, Izzie. I just…I just wanna go home, and not be a patient anymore," she sighs, and I feel a clench in my chest. I still have to tell her about possibly moving to Seattle.

"I know," Izzie responds. "As much as we love having you around here, I totally understand. But you're almost there. Dr. Wyatt will want to talk with you some more too, but we can cross that bridge later."

"Oh yeah…that," Laurie mutters.

"You just talk when you're ready, honey," I sit next to her on the bed and she nods.

"Alright well your vitals are good, minimal headaches…I think you're set for the night miss Laurie," Izzie smiles and writes in the chart.

"Thanks," Laurie smiles. "Now please tell me you get to go home now? I know you've been here for at least 15 hours."

"Laurie, you don't tell the interns they get to go home…that's not how it works," I chuckle.

"It's alright Dr. Shepherd," Izzie walks toward the doorway. "But to be totally honest with my patient, yes I am. _And_ I have a date tonight," she smirks.

"I expect to hear all about it!" Laurie calls out.

"Hey now, I don't kiss and tell. Okay, maybe I do, but I'm drawing a line here."

"Fine," Laurie pouts. "Night, Izzie."

"You, young lady, are totally breaching the doctor/patient attachment thing I told you about," I say to Laurie, still sitting on her bed.

"Yeah…but I miss my friends, so I take what I can get I guess."

"Hey, speaking of friends, honey there's something I need to talk to you about," I run a hand through her hair, playing with the ends.

"Okay, what is it?"

"Well, your dad will want to talk to you too, but…"

"Mom, just tell me already."

"Okay, well Dr. Webber, the Chief of Surgery here, he um, he offered me a job."

"A job? As in like, you work here full time?"

"Yes, that kind of job. Needless to say he offered a lot – a full staff, my own floor, the works. But…that means we wouldn't be living in New York anymore."

"Wait, but what does that mean for you and Dad?"

"Your Dad and I…we talked a few days ago and we've decided we're going to give our marriage another shot."

For the second time today, I see another genuine smile on Laurie's face, and I smile.

"Seriously?"

"Seriously," I smile.

"It's not just because I'm here in the hospital though, right? I mean, I don't want to make this about me when it's not, but I don't…Mom I don't want to see you get hurt again."

I place a hand on her cheek, rubbing it with my thumb.

"No, baby. We want to make this work, for you of course, but…well we love each other. We've made our share of mistakes, but we want to work through it."

"Wow Mom, I…I'm really happy to hear you say that," she smiles.

"But…that brings back the question. Dad doesn't want to go back to New York because of, well because of certain people there."

"Uncle Mark," she finishes.

"Yeah," I sigh.

"So he wants us to move here?"

"Yes."

"But what about our friends, my friends, my soccer team, your practice?"

"I would close the practice and work full time in the hospital here. And I know, moving here would mean leaving your friends…"

Laurie sighs.

"I'm not going to lie, my best friends have been there for me for a lot of things, and leaving them will be hard, but there are always phones. And I can always find another soccer team. Mom, my family is with you and Dad, and where you go, I go."

"Well first of all honey, that's because you're 16 and I'm your mother, so you go where I say you go," I joke.

"That's such an abuse of the Mom card…" Laurie mutters. "I'm gonna sick Dad on you."

"Seriously though, Laurie, you'd be okay with this? Moving out here? Starting over?"

She sighs. "Yeah, I think it could be good for us. And besides, I've never lived on the west coast before. This could call for some new life experiences…like getting addicted to coffee or something."

I laugh. "Boy am I glad to have you back," I lean over so I'm lying next to her.

"Mom," she says after a moment.

"What is it, honey?"

"I…I'm not going to lie, I'm still nervous. I still don't want anyone to touch me…but I think with Irene coming today, and with you and Dad and everyone here being so nice and supportive, I think, I mean I want, I _want_ to get better. I want to move past this and live my life again, you know?"

"I know," I say quietly, rubbing her arm.

"I'm just saying, I'm willing to do the work. I want to do the work."

I turn my head to her. "That's so great to hear, honey."

"But I need you to put this behind you too, and Daddy."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, I see the way you've been looking at me recently, and when I've been having my…my panic attacks, and I hate it. I hate how much pain this is causing you guys, when you have your own stuff to work out, and I just…"

I cut her off. "Lauren Maureen, you are the most important thing in the world to your dad and me, and so what if we have our own issues to work out? When it comes to you, we will always be a team, no matter what happens to our marriage. So you telling me or Dad not to hurt when you hurt is like telling a fish to breathe air – it's not going to happen. You understand me?"

"Yes, I understand. I don't like it, but I understand."

"Good," I kiss her temple.

"But Mom, one more thing."

I look at her.

"I think…I think you should go, for the night I mean. You've been sleeping here so much, and I know the last time I told you to leave for the night I had my…episode, but I think this time I'm okay. This could be a good first step, and you and Dad need to be alone."

I swallow.

"But…"

"No buts. I'm ready, I can do this, and you need to do this. Have Dad page you or something when he's done with his patient, and go home together."

"Laurie, are you sure?" I look her in the eye.

"Yes, I'm sure," she kisses my forehead, and before she can pull back I wrap my arms around her.

"Okay then," I mumble into her shoulder. "I love you, baby," I whisper.

"I love you too, Mommy," she squeezes me tighter. "Now go find Dad and get some actual sleep," she nudges me to get off the bed.

"Alright, alright, I'm going."

"Oh, could you send Daddy up here though, before you leave? I just wanna say goodnight to him."

"Of course I will, sweetheart. Love you," I blow her a kiss before leaving the room.

"Night, Mom."

* * *

The drive out to Derek's trailer – that's right, _trailer_ – three hours after I said goodnight to Laurie feels long and almost like we will never get there. I'll admit I am still hesitant about spending the night this far away from her; after a week of not knowing where she was, and after what happened to her, a part of me never wants to spend another night away from her again. But I know eventually she wouldn't appreciate me being that overprotective. No, I know she's safe, and we all need to move forward a little bit.

"Derek, how much longer is it?" I ask.

"Addison you do realize that we haven't even been on the road for that long?"

"Yeah, that's because we've been on a ferry, crossing the ocean!"

"Okay for one thing it wasn't the _ocean_, it was the sound, and for another, I bet once we actually get there, you'll like it a lot more than you think," Derek glances at me as we stop at the only red light on Bainbridge Island.

"Honestly, I still don't understand why you came all the way out here just to live in a trailer," I retort.

"It's not 'just a trailer,'" Derek responds. "I also happen to own 40 acres of land surrounding it, which at first I had no idea what to do with, but now I'm thinking about building on."

I'm quiet at this. Although we're on track to reconciling, Derek and I haven't exactly discussed the whole New York situation as much as I'd like, and I still worry about Laurie.

It's getting late in the evening and the sun is getting lower in the sky. It's nearing 9 PM but since it's late June, it's still light out. As we keep driving, I look out the window at all of the tall trees and green grass. Derek wasn't entirely wrong – this land _is_ beautiful, but is it for me? For Laurie?

"Well I'll give you this much – it is pretty out here," I tell him.

"And lucky for you we are just about here," Derek says as he pulls his Jeep up to what literally looks like an enlarged tin can in a meadow.

"Seriously?" I raise an eyebrow at him. Not that I think living in a trailer out here is beneath me, but still, transitioning from the brownstone on the Upper West Side to this might take a little while.

"Oh come on," Derek says, getting out of the car and opening the back to take out my suitcase. "I think Laurie's gonna love it. She can take her soccer ball and kick it around in her own backyard, because she'll actually have a _yard_."

"Derek," I sigh as we walk up to the trailer. "We…we still need to talk about this a little more."

"About what?"

"_This_," I wave my arms for emphasis. "You living here, us having a home in New York. Laurie's home is in New York; I know she said she'd be okay with it, but do you really think she's just gonna want to pack everything and move, especially after…after what happened?" My voice gets quiet. "I guess I'm just afraid that she's saying she's okay with it now, but then once we actually do relocate here, she's gonna hate it, or hate me for making her stay here."

Derek unlocks the front door and takes my suitcase inside, me following. Immediately I look around, taking in my surroundings. I gasp involuntarily, which doesn't go unnoticed by him, when I see Laurie's bags in a corner and before he can answer my questions.

"The police officer who ran the accident report gave those to me a few days ago," he says quietly. "Before Laurie got her memory back I went down to the police station to claim them. I just figured she would want them when she gets discharged."

I swallow, imagining Laurie travelling across the country with those two bags in tow. There's a sleeping bag attached to the larger one – her camping backpack – and my mind immediately flashes to her sleeping alongside the road and I have to keep from having a panic attack of my own.

"And um," I start, composing myself. "Just how are all three of us going to fit in here?"

"The couch folds out into a bed. Look, Addison, we both made mistakes. Both of us, and I realize that now," he sets down my suitcase and sits on the edge of the bed. I move to sit next to him. "I was…indifferent to you and Laurie this past year, and I was absent. I let the offer for Chief of Surgery get in the way of my family and I should never have done that. And you had a one-night stand with my best friend."

I look down at my hands as he says this, guilt weighing heavy in the pit of my stomach.

"I'm not excusing what you did," he continues. "But I realize…I realize now that-"

"All I ever wanted was you, Derek," I interrupt. "Not Mark, not anyone else. _You_. But you weren't there."

"Which is why I think we need a fresh start, all of us," Derek finishes. "I…I know I said we should give our marriage another try, but I'm not ready to go back to New York. I don't want to go back there and have to see his face every day." I know he means Mark.

"I know you said that already, and I have been thinking about it. But our daughter…"

"Will need time to heal," Derek sighs, and I feel a wave of emotion pass through me. I don't like thinking about her in pain for a long period of time.

"And I think the best place for her to do that would be here." He looks at me.

"And…and you and Meredith?" I say quietly, meeting his gaze.

"Meredith and I…it was complicated, but I ended it. Because when it comes down to it, no matter what happened between us, Meredith isn't my family. She isn't the woman I married and had children with. She isn't you, Addison, and I think it took you and Laurie coming here for me to realize that. I can't just put my entire past behind me and start over. If I start over, I start over with my family – with you and Laurie. Laurie doesn't know about Meredith either, and we agreed that's for the best. Meredith knows what it's like to be an only child with separated parents…she didn't want that for Laurie."

By the time Derek is finished talking, I can feel the tears prickle in my eyes, but I don't let them show. I'm also surprised at what Meredith said. I clear my throat.

"You know, when you left there was a part of me that never thought I would see you again. We had grown apart so much and I…I don't even know if I could explain why. And what I did, you're right – there's no excusing it. But just the thought of never seeing you again, of throwing away all of that history…and then adding Laurie on top of that, Derek I am so sorry. I hope you know that."

He takes my hand in his and rubs circles on top of it with this thumb.

"I do know that. But we're going to move forward."

* * *

A couple of hours later, the both of us are ready to turn in for the night. It's quiet outside, aside from the sound of crickets and the trees blowing in the wind. I feel almost as though we are back at the cabin we used to stay at during the summer in upstate New York, until the year Rinny died. It didn't seem right to go back after that, and none of us wanted to.

Derek took me around parts of the land before it got too dark. There's a creek on one end – where he goes _fishing_ – and on another is a hill with the most beautiful view I think I've ever seen. And he was right – I can definitely picture our daughter out here with her soccer ball. As we walked back to the trailer, Derek told me that hill was where he intended to build; a house with big windows and lots of open space. It got me to thinking more and more that we could make this work, even more so with Richard's offer for me to sign a contract with Seattle Grace. We'd be giving up a lot, but we could be gaining so much more.

Now, I step out of the very small bathroom in my long-sleeved flannel pajamas – Laurie's favorite to snuggle up to, and my favorite to wear for that very reason. Derek is sitting up in bed with a book, just like old times. I take in a deep breath. I know I shouldn't be nervous to sleep in the same bed as my husband; we've been sleeping together, in more ways than one, for 18 years. It's just that now, it's not old times. It's the first time since Mark and Meredith. We've put each other through so much over these past few months, and throughout our marriage, it's almost as though we're two puzzle pieces finally connecting again after so much time apart.

He looks up at me.

"Just because we're in the woods doesn't mean you have to break out the flannel, Addie," he jokes. Even though they're my favorite, I still only wear them during really cold winters or when Laurie is feeling particularly cuddly.

"I know," I give a small smile, sitting on the edge of the bed and facing him. "I just needed something a little more comforting to sleep in."

We sit there for a moment in silence, neither of us really knowing what to say next.

"I um," I start, breaking the silence. "I think I'm gonna call the hospital one more time before we go to sleep, just to check on Laurie." I reach for my phone on the shelf above the bed.

"Addison," Derek grabs my wrist lightly before I can pick it up. Sitting on my knees on the bed, I look at him. "You called the hospital an hour ago, and she was sleeping. Karev is on call tonight, and he agreed to check on her every hour; Laurie will be okay. They'll call if something serious happens."

I sigh.

"Come here," Derek undoes the sheets on my side – yes, _my side_ – of the bed and I slide in. I'm sitting close enough that our shoulders are touching, but I don't move any closer than that.

"I know…I know I shouldn't be so paranoid, but when I didn't know where she was for that week I was so scared…_all_ the time…and she got hurt from the accident and from…" I swallow. "Look I'm sorry if this makes me act like I'm the mother of a five year old instead of a sixteen year old, but no matter how old she gets she's always gonna be my baby…and I can't help but feel nervous, being away from her right now, even if she told me to go home." The tears are prickling again. "I love her so much, Derek," I choke. "And I'm afraid that after everything that's happened over the past year, she…she doesn't know that."

Derek takes hold of my hand.

"She knows you love her Addie," he whispers, and I look into his eyes. "You've stayed by her side the entire time she's been in the hospital, no matter if any of her doctors told you to leave. You've been there for her for her entire life. You've been an amazing mother, despite your own being so cold and withholding…no offense," he smiles sheepishly. "You're her best friend, Addison, and she loves you too."

I exhale, using the back of my other hand to wipe a couple of tears from my cheek. Still looking at Derek, I smile at him.

"And I…I love you, Derek. I'll always love you."

He moves his hand to my cheek and I lean into it.

"I love you too, Addie."

After sliding further down into the sheets, Derek turns off the light and we both lie facing one another. I intentionally tangle my feet with his as we slowly lean forward and he presses his lips to mine. He pulls back after a minute though, just looking at me. I'd be lying if I said I didn't think about us having sex tonight – if it would happen, and when. That last time, in the on call room…I had felt more connected to my husband than I had in a long time, but now, now I think we need to move at a slower pace, because we still have so far to go.

Derek pushes my hair behind my ear and runs his thumb over my cheek.

"You need to sleep," he whispers, kissing my forehead.

"I think we both do," I wrap an arm around him.

I kiss him one more time, allowing him to slowly slip his tongue into my mouth as I gently rub his back through the cotton of his white t-shirt.

"Goodnight, Addison," he says after we break apart.

"Goodnight, honey," I say quietly, snuggling into his chest.

I smile against him when I realize he's just allowed me to call him "honey" again, and for the first time in what feels like forever, we fall asleep in each other's arms.

* * *

**Reviews are most warmly welcomed :) Thanks for reading!**


	26. Chapter 26

**A/N: Surprise! It's not a one shot...it's chapter 26! Thank you all so much for your kind reviews, they mean so very much to me! Oh yeah, and spring semester officially starts next week, so if my updates kind of decrease a little bit again, I apologize in advance. Anyway, enjoy :)**

***The beginning of this chapter is rated M***

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything.**

* * *

**Chapter 26**

**Derek's POV**

I wake up early in the morning to the all too familiar smell of rosemary and mint shampoo. The sun has barely risen, its light streaming through the cracks in the blinds. In my groggy state it takes me a moment to realize that the rosemary mint smell comes not from Meredith, but from my wife; for the first time in almost a year, it's her head that's nestled against my chest. It's her who I slept with my arms around.

I'll admit, after the one night stand and then my affair, I never in my wildest dreams imagined that we would be in this situation again – me, lying on my side with one arm draped protectively over Addison's waist. In fact, I can't even remember the last time I did something for her that had _anything_ to do with the word "protective." It's not that I didn't care for her, I somehow just got too preoccupied with work, and pushed aside the thought that she needed to be protected.

But now, given what happened to Laurie, and the awful, awful situation her mother and I put her in, I realize that there will _never_ be a point in my life where my family does not need to be protected.

I run my fingertips lightly over Addison's flannel-covered shoulder blade only moments before she begins to stir.

At first, when she wakes, she seems to have a similar reaction to mine – happy, yet in slight disbelief that this is actually happening. Stretching, she nuzzles her nose into my shirt before looking up at me.

"Mmm…morning," she says tiredly.

I had forgotten how beautiful she looked after just waking up. Hair tousled, no make-up, just Addie. Taking in her features, I notice now too how much Laurie looks like her, and that I can see Rinny just by looking into the blue-green of her eyes.

My mouth opens to say "good morning" back, but instead what comes out is…

"I love you."

I lean forward and press my lips against hers, taking her by surprise. My hand moves up to the back of her head, loving the feel of her red hair between my fingers. I expect her to pull back, or push me away, but to my surprise she does neither; she wraps her arms around me and loses herself in the kiss. Her tongue begs for entrance in my mouth, to which I happily allow.

As the kiss gets more and more heated, I take the control I am so desperately craving and roll her onto her back, settling in between her legs. Her hands move to my sides, lightly tugging on the hem of my t-shirt until it's completely off and the feel of her soft hands against my bare back is driving me crazy.

Slowly, I move my lips further down; to her jaw, her neck, her collarbone, until I am unbuttoning her flannel top and pulling it off, leaving her chest exposed and beautiful. I take note of the few light stretch marks left over from breastfeeding the twins 16 years ago, and my love for her expands even further.

With her hands wrapped around my neck, fingers gently rubbing my scalp, she looks at me with such lust and love in her eyes. They speak volumes.

"I love you too," she smiles, leaning up to kiss me before I have my way with her breasts, making her gasp and moan underneath me. Soon, I feel her still pajama-clad legs clench tighter around my boxer-clad waist. Leaving my mouth against her chest, I move one hand down to pull off her pants, revealing her black lacy underwear. Now further exposed, she pulls my head up to kiss me full on the lips again and holds on to me tighter. Her warm skin against mine feels heavenly.

"Addie…" I whisper into her mouth. "Addie honey, relax." I pull back and look into her eyes again – they're swimming.

"I just…I don't want to lose you again," she says quietly, her voice breaking. I can tell she means it both literally and metaphorically; even before the affairs, we had left one another. I cup her cheek with my hand, wiping away a stray tear with my thumb.

"Shh…" I kiss the cheek where the tear had fallen. "From now on no more walking out – no more leaving each other. We work things out, and we make our marriage work."

"Okay," she says, nodding slightly. I move my head back down to her neck, and gently begin to suck just underneath her earlobe. Her fingernails feel like heaven against my back, scratching lightly only until one of my hands slowly moves down to remove her underwear. Stroking her a few times through the fabric, Addison takes in a deep breath. I can already feel how wet she is, and it's an immense turn on.

"Oh, Derek…" she breathes. I take that as a sign of permission to pull off one of the two layers still separating us.

Using my thumb and index finger, I gently rub her already swollen clit as she grips the sheets, continuously letting out breathy moans. I can tell it's not going to take much to send her over the edge, and I bring my forehead up to rest against hers, lips only millimeters away from hers as she comes. The green especially bright, her eyes are fixated entirely on mine.

By now, my arousal has almost become painful. Feeling me against her leg, Addison gives me a smirk mixed with post-coital smile. I'm surprised when she immediately takes control, hooking her leg over mine and flipping us over. Straddling me, she leans forward to kiss me as one hand snakes underneath the cotton of my boxers.

Oh my God.

I actually think I'm seeing stars as her hand moves up and down, massaging me, continuously rubbing her thumb against my tip as she moves her lips down to my neck. If I could even get a word out right now, I would tell her again just how much I love her.

Only moments later she stops, looking at me again, silently asking me if I'm ready. I'm more than ready.

"No more walking out," I tell her, breathing heavily.

"And no more leaving each other," she smiles.

Using one hand, she slowly guides me into her as I bend my knees, allowing her to lean back against my legs.

"God, Addison…" I manage, breathing heavily and moving my hands to her hips, which start to move against mine, slow enough that I think she might actually be trying to kill me. Her breathing increases as she tilts her head back in an expression of pure bliss. In that moment I know that she's the most beautiful creature I have ever seen.

When I can stand it no longer, I move my hands higher up her back, pulling her closer to me so I can flip us around again. Addison giggles as I do so, and I silence her with several kisses on the mouth.

I begin thrusting into her, moving deeper as she lets her arm fall behind her head, knuckles going white from the grip she has on the pillow. Using one arm to cradle her against me, my other hand returns to her breast, rubbing circles around her hardened nipple.

"Derek, please…" she whimpers, lips against my neck.

Knowing exactly what she needs, I increase my pace; she feels so incredible. I know she's getting close again when her moans become louder and another tear falls down her cheek. By this point, I'm getting close too. I reach my arm up and take her hand that grips the pillow.

"I love you, Addison," I manage, only moments before she comes again, her muscles tightening around me. I'm not far behind.

This time I know I see stars as I come after her, filling her completely.

"I love you, I love you, I love you," Addison whispers over and over to me as I finish, almost as if she thinks I'll forget.

I remain inside her for a few more minutes, letting her ride out the remainder of her second orgasm, before I pull out and lie on my side, cradling Addison against me.

"Well…good morning again," she giggles, smiling up at me.

I kiss her forehead.

"I…I didn't realize how much I missed this," I admit, pushing a tendril of hair behind her ear.

"I know," Addison says, wrapping an arm around me. "Derek," she looks up at me after a moment. "I have to tell you something."

"What is it?" I look at her, the green in her eyes still bright.

"I think…I think I'm gonna sign Richard's contract. I'll do it. If it means we'll work on our marriage than I'll move here."

I bend down to kiss her.

"Thank you, Addison." I mean it.

"But, there's one thing I need to know. If Richard…if Richard hadn't advertised the Head of Neuro job you took, would you still have come out here?" She draws small circles against my chest with her finger.

I don't really know how to answer her question. The reality is, after that night – the one night stand – I just needed to get away. I couldn't see Addison, I couldn't see Mark, and I didn't _want_ to see anybody. Yes, there was my daughter, but I knew she would be safe at the brownstone. Richard's job offer just so happened to be there at the right time in my life, and it served as the perfect escape.

"I…don't know," I manage. "To tell you the truth, I wasn't really thinking that night. I just got in my car…and left. I didn't remember Richard's offer until I was out of New York entirely, so I guess until then I didn't really know where I was going."

Addison pulls away from my grasp and lies on her back, looking up at the ceiling and pulling the sheet up to cover her bare chest.

"And your daughter? What exactly were you planning on doing about her, hmm? Because I hate to break it to you, Derek, but this situation didn't exactly involve just you and me."

Her sudden change in attitude hits me like a ton of bricks.

"We've already been over this, Addison," I sigh. "I told you I never should have left her in the first place."

"So what does that mean? You think you should have taken her with you when you left?"

"Come on, Addie, you and I both know she never would have agreed to leaving you, even if it was with me."

"Okay, but I'm still a little confused here, Derek. First you say you had to get out of New York, period. Then you say you regret leaving Laurie, but wouldn't take her with you because she wouldn't want to leave me. Tell me the truth here, do you regret leaving or not? Do you regret walking away?"

I look at her, but before I can answer, my cell phone rings. Reaching up to grab it from the shelf above the bed, I notice that it's Karev calling from the hospital.

"This is Dr. Shepherd," I answer. Addison turns on her side to face me.

"_Dr. Shepherd this is Dr. Karev, I'm calling about your daughter_."

"What happened, Karev? Is she okay?"

"What is it? What's going on?" Addison demands beside me, propping herself up on her elbow. I ignore her and wait for Karev's response.

"_Physically she's been fine, but this morning I got a page from one of the nurses. They had to give her two of lorazepam again to calm her down from a nightmare._"

"Well how is she now?" I demand, still ignoring Addison's pleading gaze.

"_She's sleeping now. Nothing emergent going on, so I've been keeping an eye on her in case she wakes up needing help again_."

"Alright, thanks for letting me know, Karev," I run a hand through my hair. "I'll be in within the next hour." I hang up.

"Well? What is it?" Addison demands, her eyes big with worry.

"Laurie had a nightmare," I tell her, sitting up. "When she woke up this morning the nurse had to give her another dose of lorazepam to calm her down."

"I knew I shouldn't have left her last night," Addison whispers, sitting up next to me with a sad expression on her face. "She told me to, but she wasn't ready, and now…dammit!" She quickly gets up, looking for her clothes.

"Addie, Karev said she's fine. She's sleeping now and he's keeping an eye on her."

"Well obviously he's not doing a good enough job since she's still waking up from _nightmares_ and getting sedated!" She looks at me with those big eyes again, pulling on a skirt and blouse.

I stand up, pulling on my boxers and reaching for a shirt.

"I told him we'd be there within the hour. Laurie will be fine until then," I tell myself just as much as my wife. "Don't smother her, Addison. She won't like it."

"Do not tell me what to do here, Derek." She looks me in the eye, pulling her hair back into a tight ponytail. "You and I may have some things to work out in our marriage, but how to parent our daughter is not one of them. And I don't care how much she hates it, after what that kid put me through by running off, and then what happened to her, and the fact that we can't even catch the guy who did it…I'll smother her if I damn well please."

"Okay, okay," I hold up my hands in defeat. "We'll head over there now."

* * *

Once we get to the hospital, Addison makes a beeline for Laurie's room. I follow, but at a slower pace. It's not that I don't care, but if there's one thing I know about my daughter, it's that she doesn't like it when people fuss over her. If she needs help, she will ask for it.

Stopping by the nurses' station on Laurie's floor, I look over the files left from yesterday's Neuro patients. Although no longer on my service today, Karev was right; so far, no emergencies. Handing them back to a nurse, I head towards Laurie's room.

"Mom, seriously, I'm fine. It was just a nightmare. I'm okay, really."

This is the first thing I hear as I walk in the door, seeing Addison perched on the edge of Laurie's bed.

"I told her not to smother you," I say before giving Laurie a kiss on the forehead. Addison glares at me. "You feeling better now, honey?"

"Yeah," she sits up in bed. "It was just when I woke up…it took me a little while to realize that I'm here, and not…back there. But one of the nurses heard me scream I guess and she freaked out and grabbed a syringe, which only made me freak out more, and yeah I think you get the picture. Alex was here, but ran scared when Mom came barging in."

"Hey, I did not _barge in_ anywhere," Addison tucks a tendril of Laurie's hair behind her ear. "I was worried."

"Yeah well from my perspective, your 'worried' looked a lot like barging in."

"Honey, I think I get the picture," I smile, thankful that she's alright.

"Any good cases today?" She asks me, ignoring the worried gaze of her mother.

"None yet. I hate to break it to you, but you've been the star of the Neuro department since you've been here, at least with the interns."

"Oh sweet, I've heard celebrity status is something every teenage girl should experience at least once. Hey um, Dad do you think it would be okay if I walked around for a little while? I'm tired of being cooped up in here and my head is feeling a lot better."

Addison and I exchange glances.

"Honey, I don't know if that's a good-" she starts, but I interrupt her.

"I think that would be alright," I finish.

"Derek!" Addison's blue-green eyes grow wide.

"Addie, she'll be fine. Physically, her brain is fine, and there's no reason why she shouldn't get some light exercise. And if it makes you feel any better, _I_ will walk with her. Besides, you and Richard have some talking to do, am I right?"

"Well…yes, but that's not-" she stutters.

"Mom, relax. Go take care of business, my right-hand man and I will be fine." Laurie kisses her cheek. Her returning sense of humor makes me sigh in relief – my little girl is going to be okay.

A half hour later, Laurie and I are making our third loop around the fourth floor of the hospital. She moves at a slower pace, accompanied by her portable IV bag.

"So, Mom told me last night she's thinking of having us move here for good."

"We've been talking about it," I wrap an arm around her shoulders. "But I want to know what you think too."

"I mean, I'm not completely against it. I know you don't want to go back to New York, because of…because of Uncle Mark…"

"Laurie, this isn't about Uncle Mark. I want to know what you think."

"I think…I think we need to start over too, and this could be good. It seems like you have a really good job here, and the interns all seem pretty cool. But there is one thing I still need to know; Dad, where do you live?"

I chuckle. "You may not believe this, and it's probably good I'm telling you before your mother, but right now, I live in a trailer."

"A _trailer_?!"

"Yes, honey, a trailer. But it's really not that bad! It's out on Bainbridge Island, with 40 acres of land, big trees…it's every soccer player's dream!"

"Hey, this soccer player's dream is to wear cardinal and white on a field surrounded by palm trees, not in the middle of a forest."

"You are so your mother's daughter," I grin.

"Funny, she spends most of her time telling me I'm _your_ daughter…you guys gotta pick already."

"Fine, but only if you agree to give the trailer a chance."

"Okay, deal. Tell me though, what on earth are you planning on doing with 40 acres?"

"Oh I don't know, probably build on it."

"By 'build on it' I hope you mean house."

"Yes, goof ball, I mean house, what else did you think I would do?" I joke.

"Well you never know what people are capable of these days," she looks at me with a serious expression. I return her gaze with an equally serious face, until the two of us can hold it no longer and start to laugh. It almost feels like we're back to the old days…the good days.

Suddenly, I see my colleague Preston Burke standing at the nearest nurses' station, and looking serious.

"Dr. Burke," I nod as we approach him.

"Ah, Dr. Shepherd," he turns to look at me. "And this must be Laurie. Dr. Yang mentioned something about a 'Little Shepherd' wandering the halls of Seattle Grace."

He sticks out his hand to shake hers and I notice her hesitation at shaking a man's hand she doesn't know…so we're not all there yet.

"It's um, it's nice to meet you," she says quietly, trying to be polite. I immediately change the subject.

"So I see your time as Chief was just as short lived as I expected," I smirk.

"As much as I'd like to stand here and argue with you, Shepherd, I have a case to get to. It appears that your wife isn't letting any grass grow under her feet; or is it ex-wife? I'm a little fuzzy on that."

"I'm pretty sure it's still _wife_, but thanks for asking," Laurie retorts.

"Laurie," I sigh, not wanting her to be rude. "What are you talking about, Burke?"

"Apparently there's an all-hands-on-deck case coming in, a woman pregnant with quintuplets, all girls, each of which have their own slew of issues. This particular infant I'm waiting for is looking at an underdeveloped portion of her heart, but with the weakness in her walls…

"You're not sure you can operate?"

"Oh I'm always sure, Shepherd. Anyway, you should probably expect a page at any moment. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go gather my intern and meet with our patient. It was a pleasure to meet you, Laurie." He nods as he walks away.

"Pleasant fellow," Laurie grins. "Although I could sense your competition between you two from a mile away."

"It's…complicated, honey," I tell her, as we continue to walk.

"Whatever you say, Daddy," she rolls her eyes. "I think I know better than anyone how sensitive the Chief of Surgery topic is for you."

"I think this is where I'm supposed to pull the 'I'm your father so mind your own business' card," I joke, just as my pager goes off.

"Hmm…it seems Dr. Burke was right, it's your mother."

"Wait, really? Already?"

"Well she was supposed to go in and talk with Richard this morning about her contract. Apparently she signed it, because her first real case here has officially just become mine too. I'll walk you back to your room and then I'm gonna have to go."

"Oh no, Dad it's fine, I can find my way back. You should take it now; you _do not_ want to experience the wrath of Dr. Addison Forbes Montgomery Shepherd…professionally speaking," she adds.

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah, yeah, go," she waves a hand.

"Okay, boss," I chuckle and kiss her cheek.

"Go get 'em tiger," she calls out, walking back to her room with a nurse.

On my way to the OB wing to answer Addison's page, I realize that this could be it – working together here could be a step towards a whole new relationship.

* * *

It's now the middle of July. Because of her continuous nightmares, Laurie had to stay in the hospital a week and a half longer than was planned. Two head CTs later, Peterson cleared her for discharge, much to Izzie's dismay at losing her favorite patient. However, due to Dr. Wyatt's fear of self-harm from the nightmares, Laurie remained under watch from the Psych department for an extra week.

All in all, she took the lengthy stay in the hospital fairly well, only really complaining to Addison and me, and Izzie of course. However, I don't think that would have been the case if it weren't for Charlie and Irene's continuous visits. Irene and David left for Chicago a few days ago, Irene promising to come back soon as soon as "that grandson of hers finally asks Laurie out on a date."

I'll admit that last bit made me flinch. Laurie, me, and teenage boys have never really seen eye to eye in the past.

After a teary goodbye, the older woman who reminds me greatly of my mother was off, leaving us with only the thoughts of Laurie being discharged, and settling in Seattle for good.

Sitting up on her bed and wearing street clothes for the first time in weeks, Laurie looks like Christmas came early - she gets to leave the hospital.

"You ready to go, Buddy?" I ask, placing a hand on her shoulder. Dressed in jeans too, I decided to take the day off to get Laurie as settled as possible. The only question now is where is Addison?

Having been a part of the Seattle Grace team of surgeons for almost three weeks now, it's fair to say that Addie has been keeping herself busy. While we've had our share of bickering, and agreed to see a marriage counselor for good measure, she closed her practice in New York and moved completely into the trailer. We're working on it. And even though she saw patients this morning, she had been looking forward to today almost as much as our daughter, which makes me wonder again where she could be.

"You have no idea," Laurie smiles. "It feels amazing just to be wearing jeans again."

"Well it looks like everything is signed and you're good to go, if only we could find your mother…"

"Yeah, she didn't come in to see me this morning, which was weird because normally I can't get her to leave this room. What's going on with her?"

"Honestly I have no idea, she seemed fine when she left the trailer earlier…let me page her again…"

Just as soon as I reach for my pager, however, I hear Addison clear her throat in the hallway. Standing there dressed in the navy blue scrubs she reluctantly gave up her salmon ones for, she looks pale and somewhat out of it.

"Derek, could I talk to you for a minute? In private?"

"What's going on?" Laurie asks slowly, looking worried at the sight of her mother.

"It's nothing, honey, I just need to talk to your dad for a minute," she forces a smile.

Walking out into the hallway, Addison pulls me into the nearest on call room. Standing closer to her, she looks terrible, like she had been sick all morning.

"Addie, are you sick? Why on earth did you come to work this morning?"

"When I came in this morning I felt fine, but then I walked past the cafeteria and there were these smells…and then I operated on a patient but had to let a resident finish because the sight of an open body made me need to go throw up. I've been sleeping in here in between trips to the bathroom…"

"Addison what are you saying?"

"There was that time in the on call room a few weeks ago, and I…I missed my period last month…"

"Addie…"

No, she's definitely not going to say what I think she's going to say. We still have so far to go.

"Derek, I…I think I'm pregnant."

* * *

**Seriously, you have no idea how long I have been waiting to write this chapter. haha. Thanks for reading! Reviews would be lovely!**


	27. Chapter 27

**A/N: Hello all! So I've officially started my second semester as a junior in college. Although I'm confident I won't be as swamped with work as I was last term, one can never know. But like I've said before, I have NO plans to abandon this story (perish the thought!), so just bear with me :) Here's chapter 27 for you. Enjoy!**

***The first part of this chapter is rated M***

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything.**

* * *

**Chapter 27**

**Lauren's POV**

_His breath hot against my neck, I wince as he grips my wrists tightly, holding me down to the floor of the van. Beads of sweat run down my forehead, my fear increasing with every breath I take. I try to scream, but screaming is only invitation for a harder blow to the face. _

_The side of my face throbs, and I swear his palm has just left an imprint on my skin. I know I need to escape somehow, but he's so strong, and he's not letting up. Scratching his long fingernails against my stomach, he reaches down and rips my pants, attempting to take them off. _

_I struggle, but no struggle is enough. It seems like the more I move, the stronger he gets. Tilting my head back, I try to hold in all of the fear that threatens to swallow me whole; but it's not good enough._

"_Shut the fuck up!" He spits, eyes blazing as he looks up at me. "You're mine."_

_Ripping my pants off, he scratches me again, almost as if the sight of my tearing skin gives him pleasure. I kick my legs, but I feel myself growing weak. So weak, so powerless. I think of my family, friends, soccer, anything that makes me happy, yet right now, any sort of happiness seems so far gone. My whole body starts to shake as his hand moves to the inside of my thigh, and tears fall down my cheeks as I lie there, pinned down._

"_You'll never escape me, little girl. Never."_

_Never._

_Never._

_Never…_

I'm drenched in sweat as I jolt awake in bed, shaking and screaming. I still feel Marcus' hands all over me, scratching me, hitting me, and I feel so dirty, like no amount of anything will ever cleanse me again. Beside me I hear a monitor begin to beep at a quick pace, but I don't process that it's the mirroring of my own heartbeat.

Tears stream down my face as I continue to thrash around; it's only a moment later and a handful of people are running into my room. Oh, that's right.

I'm in the hospital.

"Give me two of lorazepam!" One woman in light blue scrubs shouts. She must be a nurse, because I don't recognize her as one of the interns.

"Laurie," this woman looks me in the eye, holding me down to my bed.

I manage to meet her gaze, but I can't stop crying. I can't get the image of my…well, let's face it, seven thousandth nightmare out of my head. And then here's this lady trying to drug me again.

"No, no, please!" I cry.

"Laurie, listen to me, I'm Nurse Olivia. You're gonna be okay, I just need you to calm down. You're here in Seattle Grace Hospital."

"Please, I don't want anything!" I choke.

"Laurie this is going to help you calm down a little bit, it's going to be fine," Nurse Olivia tells me, letting go of my arm to administer the drug.

"But I…I don't…"

My last few words come out in a whisper as I slip into a relaxant-induced sleep.

When I open my eyes again, Alex Karev is standing in my room, writing in my chart.

"Well, look who's back from the dead," he closes my chart, pulling out a stethoscope to examine me.

"Blame the drugs, and a certain redheaded nurse," I sigh, sitting up so he can listen to my breathing.

"So, any idea how long these nightmares have been going on?"

"Basically since I got my memory back after the accident," I tell him. "And no matter what Dr. Wyatt tells me, I can't…I can't make them stop." I look away from him as he finishes with the stethoscope, lying back down. I can feel Alex still standing beside me, but I turn away from him in frustration.

"Look uh, I don't tell this to a lot of people, but when I was younger, my old man…he wasn't a very good guy. He drank a lot, and got pretty violent. And stuff with my mom…let's just say I've had my fair share of nightmares; I get it. But it's all about moving forward; you can have the worst crap in the world happen to you. You can get over it, all you gotta do is survive."

Turning over slowly, I look him in the eye. Never mind that I barely know him, this is the most vulnerable I have ever seen Dr. Alex Karev, and I'm pretty sure this side of him would never fit Cristina's definition of "Evil Spawn."

"Alex…" I start, until another tall redhead comes charging into my room.

"Laurie, oh honey are you okay?"

Overprotective mother to the rescue. But what else is new these days? She would live in this room with me if I let her. Don't get me wrong, it's not that I don't appreciate her being there for me, but sometimes it bugs me when she gets like this – overly worried and panicky, blowing everything out of proportion.

"Yeah I'm fine, just a bad dream is all," I tell her as she sits on the edge of my bed and kisses my forehead. "Wait, did someone call you or something? You came in here like you were just told they had to cut off my arm."

Mom looks over her shoulder to glare at Alex, who leaves the room without another word. Given what he's just told me, I feel bad.

"Dr. Karev called your dad this morning right after we woke up. He said you had another nightmare. Honey, if you weren't ready to spend the night alone, why didn't you just tell me?" She runs a hand through my hair.

"Because I _was_ ready, Mom," I sit up in bed. "I mean, don't get me wrong I really appreciate you being here for me, but I'm a big girl. I'm gonna have to be able to move past this at some point…the nightmares just come with the territory."

She gives me a sympathetic look, like it pains her that she can't take away the bad dreams.

"I know," she sighs. "I know you're not a little girl anymore. I just don't want you to be alone in this."

I don't say anything back, I just look at her and nod, taking in her appearance.

"You look snazzy," I gesture to her outfit.

"Oh yeah, well, first official day at work," she smiles.

"Well, knock 'em dead," I sigh.

"Laurie, are you _sure_ you're okay?"

"Mom, seriously, I'm fine. It was just a nightmare. I'm okay, really."

Man, I really hope starting work gives her something else to worry about.

* * *

Two weeks later, I'm finally, _finally_ cleared for discharge from all departments. Thanks to my subconscious, Dr. Wyatt didn't want me to leave the hospital until she was sure the nightmares would no longer hold me at risk for self-harm. Ironic, isn't it? Having dreams about someone else hurting me could make me a threat to myself? Hmm.

Thanks to Charlie and Irene and everyone else who kept me company, however, my stay at Seattle Grace wasn't entirely unbearable. Irene and David left for Chicago a few days ago, but no way could Irene leave before promising to come back and see me soon. Actually, to be more specific, she said she promised to come back "as soon as that grandson of mine finally asks you out on a date." Feeling myself blush through the teary goodbye was enough to remind me that no matter where I am, this kind old lady will always have my back.

But I have to say, I still can't get the whole Charlie asking me out on a date thing out of my mind. He's back at school now, doing as much with soccer as he can despite his injuries. He visits me at least once every day, and has easily become one of my favorite people in the world; another good thing about moving to Seattle.

Sitting in the back of Dad's car, I try to count the numerous trees that decorate the road to his property on Bainbridge Island. In front, Mom is abnormally quiet, but I don't question it. Anything is better than her fussing over me all day. I really just want her to be done worrying about me for a while.

"Alright, here we are," Dad says from the driver's seat.

I knew Dad lived in a trailer out here, but I didn't expect it to look like an enlarged tin can in the middle of a meadow. I step out of the car, holding Winston. The evening breeze is cool, and the trees bring enough shade that it almost looks like the sun is setting two hours early.

"So, what do you think?" Dad wraps an arm around my shoulders.

"It's definitely spacious," I nod. "You could build six houses out here, Dad."

"She has a point," Mom says, walking up to the trailer.

"I can pretty much guarantee you now that there won't be six houses out here," Dad chuckles, walking me up to the front door and unlocking it.

I head inside first, taking in my surroundings – all 200 square feet of them. Noticing my bags I brought on my trip with me sitting in the corner, I take a deep breath.

"How…how did you get these?" I ask quietly.

"I went to the police station to claim them before you got your memory back," Dad answers. Mom, looking slightly pale, goes to sit on the couch. "I thought…I thought you might want them eventually," he stands beside me, rubbing my back.

"Thanks," I sigh, leaning my head against his shoulder. "I'm actually kind of amazed I managed to keep it with me this whole time."

"Honey, all that matters to me is that _you_ are here, and you're safe," he kisses my temple. "Things can be replaced, you can't. But just for future reference, I am never letting you out of my sight again."

My mind flashes back to the weeks I spent in New York, wondering where he was and if I would ever see him again.

"I actually think I can live with that," I smile. "I love you, Daddy."

"I love you too, Buddy. Always and forever."

* * *

"Mom, are you sure you're feeling okay? You didn't eat anything at dinner, and you look pale."

The three of us try as best we can to maneuver around the trailer as we get ready for bed. It's tight, but it's doable. While Dad's in the shower, I sit crisscross in my pajamas on his and Mom's bed (I like the way that sounds…makes me think that maybe we actually can move forward), facing her and frowning at how pale and tired she looks.

"Honey, I'm fine. Just a little tired today, that's all. Just work and stuff," she smiles in her attempt to convince me, sitting up propped against her pillow. "And you know I've never liked trout."

"Okay, well if you need anything, I mean I don't really know where anything is out here, but still…I'm here," I rest my cheek against her raised knee.

"And I'm so glad you are," she places a hand on my cheek.

"But seriously though, how is it really, living out here? Minus the trout thing, which I thought was good by the way."

"Honestly, it's not that bad," she tucks my hair behind my ear. "It's quiet, no city noises to keep you up at night, the view is gorgeous, umm when you lie outside at night you can actually see all of the constellations. Really Laurie I think you might like it in Washington."

"I'm open to it," I nod. "I just miss my friends back home, you know?"

"I know, baby. Not that you need to think about this just yet, but school starts back up here in a couple of months, and there's soccer, you'll feel at home in no time."

Suddenly it hits me…school. Moving actually means I'm going to have to continue my education here, find a new soccer team, new friends, new everything. I know I mentioned it to Mom before, but now it's like…so real. I mean, I've been going to the same school in New York since Kindergarten.

"Yeah, you're right," I sit up. "It'll just take some getting used to."

"If anyone can do it, you can," Mom smiles. "It'll be weird at first, but soon you'll be the most popular kid around, I'm sure of it."

"Ha, okay. You just keep telling yourself that," I laugh. I've always had a group of really good friends, but I've never been the most popular girl in school that's for sure. You know, those girls who date the entire football team, get on homecoming court, and look gorgeous in just about everything? Yeah, that's never really been me; although, I do have a feeling that would have been my precocious twin sister.

"Have a little more confidence in yourself, baby girl," Mom touches my cheek again.

"Eh, you and Dad have enough of that…I think I should get a free pass. And I also think you should get some sleep," I note as she yawns, falling deeper into her pillow.

"You wake me up if you need anything, _anything_ at all. Understood?" Mom yawns again.

"Yes, ma'am," I kiss her cheek before she snuggles down further into bed. "So long as you promise not to throw up on me."

"Very funny," she closes her eyes. "Go to sleep."

Standing up, I turn and walk back toward the pull-out bed from the couch. Stopping just outside the shower door, I say a quick goodnight to Dad before grabbing Winston and getting into bed, falling into a deep sleep of my own.

* * *

I've only been staying in the trailer for a few nights before I have to go back to the hospital for an appointment with Dr. Wyatt. For some reason, no matter how much of a front I put on for my parents and for everyone else I see, the nightmares just won't stop. Marcus has invaded my subconscious and shows no sign of leaving, meaning I get to spend each night waking up screaming in a cold sweat, and end up with Mom or Dad (or both) lying next to me, holding me like they think I'll break.

In an ideal world, this guy would get convicted for doing what he did to me and most likely other girls before me, but that's not the case this time. Not only did I not even tell him my real name, there was no way he could have left traceable DNA on me that stuck around long enough to make this a legal case.

Such is the unfortunate truth.

He's still out there, but he doesn't know where to find me. He doesn't know who my family is, and he doesn't know my real name. That should come as a relief, right? I should be able to move on, knowing that I'm safe.

Ha, tell that to my ever-stubborn subconscious.

By the time I fully wake up and drag myself out of bed, it's almost 10am and Mom and Dad have already left for work, leaving a note saying Mom would come back to take me to my appointment. I can't even remember the last time I slept this late. My appointment isn't until two in the afternoon, but I figure I should do something productive in the meantime.

Picking up my phone, I decide to call Hannah. Even though I told my parents moving here would be okay, it's still insane how much I miss my best friends back in New York; my rocks, the three people always there for me no matter what.

I've been back in touch with Han since I left the hospital for the trailer, but still this morning she talks my ear off for almost an hour. It's refreshing, listening to her talk about simple teenage things such as boy troubles and baby brothers coloring on bedroom walls. Since the first time we talked a few days ago, she hasn't asked me about my trip here, and I'm glad. She knows what happened now, and she knows not to push me on it. For that I am grateful.

With a goodbye and a promise to visit me (hopefully) soon, we hang up and I make my way over to the very small shower. Placing my glasses on the counter by the sink, I pull my pajama top off. I haven't looked at myself, I mean really _looked_ at myself in a mirror since that one night at Evan's house, but this time I catch a glimpse. Immediately my eyes widen in anticipation of a panic attack; however, it keeps itself at bay. Looking at myself standing only in a bandeau and pajama bottoms, I actually appear…well. The scratches are gone, and I don't look so frail anymore.

Maybe I could actually be getting better, if only it weren't for the nightmares.

Suddenly, as I'm reaching down to pull off my pants, something sitting on top of the pile in the trash can under the sink catches my eye. Something I remember seeing all too well when Rinny and I were five or six, when it was occasionally left on the counter in Mom and Dad's bathroom. Granted, we probably shouldn't have been in there in the first place, but my sister and I liked to play hide and seek, and you know…we had to use the whole house.

It also reminds me of a few months ago, the unfortunate result of my doing something I shouldn't have.

"What the…?" I mutter, turning she shower water off.

I bend over and pick up the little white stick. Standing up slowly, I feel my whole body start to shake as my mouth falls open.

This is a pregnancy test. And it sure as hell isn't mine this time.

* * *

"Care to explain this to me, Mother?" I storm into Mom's office a mere hour later, shutting the door behind me.

Having been too flustered to wait for her to pick me up, I decided to take matters into my own hands and head into the city myself. It's not that I'm angry at the idea of a younger sibling, I'm angry because my parents were careless enough to let this happen, and _now_ of all times. I mean, didn't they at least consider the fact that our little family is only barely back together before they…ew. No, I'm not finishing that thought. Unless the baby isn't even…no, definitely not finishing that thought either. But what's also sad about this situation is, I can remember the last time I felt this upset with my mom, and it was only about a month ago.

Standing in front of her desk straight-faced, I toss the pregnancy test on top of the paperwork she had just been reviewing. Looking up at me over her reading glasses, her expression changes from startled, to shocked, to apologetic all in about 10 seconds.

"Laurie…how did you…when did you get here?" She stutters, taking off her glasses.

"Does that really matter right now?" I glare at her. Her eyes well up at the tone in my voice, and immediately I feel bad for being so harsh with her. But only just a little. After all, these could just be…hormones.

"How did you find this?" She whispers, picking up the stick.

"In the trash can _sitting right on top of everything_, Mom! You couldn't have thought to hide it a little better, especially if you're trying to keep something like this from me?"

"Honey, I didn't…we didn't mean to, to keep this a secret," she says, her apologetic face coming out again. "It's just, with everything that's been going on lately…"

"Oh no, no, you do not get to use what happened to me as an excuse for your carelessness!" I shout, pacing in front of her desk and ignoring the fact that apparently Dad knew about this too. "And for lying to me! What's your excuse for that?"

"Hey!" She stands up. "I did not _lie_, young lady. I'm your mother and believe it or not I don't _have_ to tell you every detail of my life right away, and what your father and I do in private is really none of your business!"

"None of my…" I look at her incredulously. "Oh please, don't pull that one on me. I _asked_ you if you were feeling okay, and you said you were _fine_! Also, who was there for you all of those nights back in New York when Dad didn't come home? Who sat at the foot of your bed after you cried yourself to sleep while he was in the guest room? And _who_ stayed by your side after you _screwed your husband's best friend?!_" My anger comes out full throttle; words like knives against a cutting board.

For a moment I actually think Mom is going to slap me across the face. But then I come to my senses and realize she would never lay a hand on me, no matter what I say to her. Tears spill over her reddened cheeks and instead she recoils back into her chair, defeated.

"You're right," she says after a moment.

"Come again?" I sit down forcefully in the chair facing her desk.

"I said, you're right," Mom looks up at me.

"About…?"

"Everything," she shrugs. "About being there for me when no one else was, through everything I did…you're right. I didn't have the right to pull out the Mom card, because it is your business, and by building the relationship we have…I've made it that way. This baby," she places a hand on her stomach, "is your business too."

I exhale and shut my eyes for a moment, taking in everything she just said.

"Coming here to Seattle," Mom starts, "wasn't supposed to be like this. I was supposed to do the surgery Richard asked of me, wait for you to get here, then go back home to New York. I never in my wildest…I never expected this to happen. It just…did." She wipes her tear stained cheeks.

"So by coming here and 'waiting for me,' you just so happened to fall into bed with Dad, who up until recently didn't want anything to do with either of us? You know, I believed you when you said you were worried about me, since you're my mom and one would think that's how it's supposed to work, but apparently you had a funny way of showing it," I feel my eyes start to well up in preparation for what I'm about to admit. "I _knew_ back in New York I wasn't at the top of your priority list, but I accepted that because you were going through a rough patch in your marriage. I guess now I was a fool for thinking that would ever change." I realize I sound like a brat, but at this point I don't even care. I just want her to be honest for once. Quickly, I wipe a tear that's fallen down my cheek.

This time, Mom looks like the one who's been slapped across the face.

"Laurie, you have _always_ been at the top of my priority list-"

"Do not pull that one on me either, Mother," I interrupt her. "I was there for you because that's what family does, and I know I wasn't exactly open with you about what was going on with me, but just look at how you reacted when you found out last month! You call that putting me at the top of your priority list, and being there for me?! You called me a slut for God's sake!"

By this point Mom sits at her desk again, her head in her hands. But I can't stop…everything I buried inside of me just comes spewing out; everything she and Dad did that hurt me.

"You know, I'm happy that you and Daddy decided to work things out, I really am, because I love you and I want you both to be happy, but this family seriously needs to hop on the communication train and stay a while," I huff, leaning back in my chair.

"Laurie," Mom sniffs, looking up at me again. "I am not going to apologize for getting pregnant. Your Dad and I, we love you so much and before your sister died we tried…for _two years_ we wanted another baby. When she did die I didn't think I could ever love another baby as much as I love her, and you, but now…now I have a chance to try and I want to take that chance. This may not have been planned and the timing may not be ideal, but I…I don't regret it." She sits up.

I stare at her, arms folded across my chest.

"Honey…I never meant to hurt you, or take you for granted, but I did, and I hope that one day you'll find it in your heart to forgive me. I only want what's best for you and for you to be happy too, but I'm not perfect and neither is your dad. And we never will be. But we are your parents and…and I'm just so sorry about everything I did back in New York," her face contorts like she's going to cry again. "To you, and to Derek and…God, these _fucking_ hormones!" She starts fanning her face, eyes glassy.

Normally, seeing Mom this upset would make me want to go cuddle up next to her and help her to feel better, except this time, I mean feel bad for her…but not that bad. I think she expects me to come and hug her or something because after I just sit there as she composes herself, she looks even more hurt.

"So tell me, was it before or after I got here?" I ask, ignoring her pained expression. I'm normally never this aggressive, but now it's like I can't even stop it.

"What?" She sniffs again.

"The baby. I wanna know just how worried you really were before I got here. Either that or I wanna know how you and Dad can reconcile a marriage faster than the speed of light. And don't tell me it's none of my business again," I add. "It's honesty time, Mom."

"Well I…I'm almost seven weeks along now so…" She looks down, rubbing her hand over her stomach again, unable to make eye contact with me.

"It was _before_…" I whisper. No, no wait, almost seven weeks ago, that wasn't before, that was…

"My surgery!" I almost shout. "I can't believe you. The _same day_ I had surgery?!"

"Laurie, listen…"

"You know what? No, I'm done listening. Thank you for your time, Dr. Montgomery Shepherd, really, it means a lot." Standing up, I turn on my heel and head towards the door.

"Lauren Maureen!" Mom shouts after me angrily, but I don't stop. "Laurie, where are you going?" She pants, after catching up with my in the hallway.

"I have an appointment, and I don't really want to be in there with you anymore," I sigh.

"Your appointment isn't for another two hours," she replies.

"Yeah well…I'll find something else to do. Maybe I'll go back to New York…that whole being across the country from your parents thing sounds really great right about now."

"Honey, just wait a minute!" She walks quickly to catch up to me. "We are _not_ done with this conversation…"

But before she can finish her sentence, she almost bumps into me as I'm now stopped right in the middle of the hallway, staring straight ahead into the lobby. I can feel Mom's mouth fall open behind me, and I can't say I blame her. Standing there is Dr. Meredith Grey, smiling and chatting with someone my parents thought they left far behind in New York.

"…subtle has never been my strong suit," he smirks. "So, do you ever go out with coworkers?"

Meredith looks up at him.

"I um, make it a rule not to."

"Then I am so glad that I don't work here."

I swallow the wave of nausea that threatens to leave me sick all over the hospital floor. Mom goes rigid beside me.

"Are you hitting on me? In the hospital?" Meredith asks.

"Would that be wrong?"

Meredith is just about to answer when Dad suddenly appears out of nowhere, punching Mark Sloan to the ground.

"What the hell was that?!" Meredith looks at him incredulously.

Shaking his injured hand, Dad catches his breath.

"That, was Mark."

Just perfect.

* * *

**Reviews would make this first/second week of school so much better. Let me know what you thought! Thanks for reading! :)**


	28. Chapter 28

**A/N: First of all, thanks so much to all who are still sticking with me and reading this story. Here is chapter 28 for you :) Second, you should know that in this story, Mark and Addison DID have a one night stand, but it was only the one time. They never stayed together afterwards like they did in the show. I figure you probably already know that based on my earlier chapters, but still. Just wanted to make sure. Enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything.**

* * *

**Chapter 28**

**Addison's POV**

"Punching out people on my surgical floor? My head of neurosurgery punching out people on my surgical floor?"

Richard paces around the conference room, not bothering to hide his angry glare. I think out of all the bad moments for Mark to show up in my life, this one takes the cake. And honestly, I have no idea what he's doing here; Derek is angry because for some reason, he thinks I'm insane enough to call the man I made the horrible mistake of sleeping with.

Just perfect.

"Put the ice back on your hand," I mutter to Derek, who so graciously removed the ice pack I gave him for his hand just as soon as I put it on.

"My hand is fine," he glares at me.

"Put the damn ice on your two million dollar a year hand!" Richard yells. "Now, would someone tell me what the hell happened?"

Oh thank God, he doesn't know about my side of the adultery yet. That makes me feel so much better.

"That was Mark," I look down at my hands.

"Who's Mark?"

"He and Derek used to work together back in New York," I start, suddenly feeling very queasy. "And um, they were – we were all close friends. Until Derek found us in bed together…"

Apparently this is all Richard needs to hear for us to come to an understanding. Except there's still one thing I don't understand: what the hell is Mark even doing here? And why did he have to show up _now_, when Derek, Laurie, and I are _finally_ getting back on track as a family, and I'm having another baby.

Oh yeah, the baby. Laurie. The argument. Really, could this day get any worse? Oh yeah, it can, because Richard still doesn't know about the baby and now would probably be the worst time possible to tell him.

"You put your weight behind it?" Richard turns to Derek.

"Yes, sir," he nods.

"Well alright then." Quickly, Richard turns and walks out the door, leaving Derek and me alone.

"What the hell is he doing here?" Derek asks me.

Funny, I've been wondering the same thing this whole damn time.

"I have no idea," I sigh, but the way my husband is looking at me tells me he doesn't believe me. I lean forward, my head in my hands, and still feeling very queasy.

We sit together for a moment in silence, the tension cutting through us like knives. But neither of us really knows what to say; it's not a good time to talk about anything. Suddenly, Derek stands up, tossing the ice pack back on the table and storming out, hopefully not to go beat up our former best friend.

Trying not to cry when I know people can see in the windows, I place a hand lightly on my still-flat stomach. The truth is, no matter how angry Derek is with me right now, I am having his baby…again. I already _have_ one, no two, of his babies. No matter what he says or does now, we will always be connected. Back when Laurie and I were in New York had no idea where he was, I doubted that, because it seemed like even though I had his kid, he got rid of all contact anyway.

But now that he's seen her and realized how wrong he was for leaving her, he'll never leave his children again. I'm sure of it.

Despite everything – Mark, Derek, and my earlier fight with Laurie – I look down at my hand and can't help but smile. I have my first ultrasound appointment tomorrow, and while this baby was very, _very_ unplanned, I can't help but feel excited about this little life growing inside me.

After Rinny died, for the longest time I was terrified at the thought of having another baby; I couldn't just replace her and pretend like I never had a second child. I couldn't risk having another baby who looked exactly like the one I lost. I'll admit I'm still nervous about it, about how I will feel when I see him or her in actual human form on the ultrasound in a few months - will I think of Rinny? Will it be too much to bear? – but right now, at this very moment, I can feel very much okay with this little one.

Making sure I'm alone enough, I rub my hand back and forth.

"Hello, little one," I whisper. "It's Mommy. I'm sorry things are so stressful right now, but I want you to know that none of it is your fault. Your big sister…she doesn't, she doesn't hate you, she hates me. I haven't exactly been the greatest of mothers lately, and I think it's just now hitting her. But Laurie, she's the best sister any kid could ask for. I know she'll love you no matter what."

By this point I'm facing away from the window, my eyes brimming with tears.

"Your daddy loves you too, he's just upset right now about Mark, but you don't need to know about that. He's such a good daddy; he'll teach you to play soccer and then make me mad for tracking mud into the house," I laugh. "Your sister used to do that all the time."

"You should know too that you have another sister, Rinny," I swallow, her name tasting like pennies in my mouth. "She…she was killed, ten years ago, and she's in heaven now. But she'll look out for you, my little angel."

"Honey, all I want for you is to be happy and healthy, and know that you're loved. I…I've messed up a lot of times in my life baby, but I want you to know…making you was not a mistake, and I'll always love you."

Leaning back in my chair, I let out a long sigh. The queasiness passed, luckily without me having to go hug the toilet this time. I realize that it's almost two – time for Laurie's appointment. After she showed up in my office with the discovered pregnancy test, and then we both ran into Mark after our fight, I came in here with Derek almost right away. I have no idea where my daughter ran off to.

Her finding the pregnancy test in the trash can was definitely not the way I wanted her to find out. But I had been in a hurry, and the trash can was just there, and I didn't think. Of course she would see it lying on top of the garbage; this was just another one of my stupid mistakes that I now need to fix.

Sitting up slowly, I compose myself before walking out of the conference room, in search of my daughter.

* * *

"Dr. Montgomery Shepherd!" I hear Dr. O'Malley call my name from behind me in the hallway.

Sighing, I turn around.

"What is it, Dr. O'Malley?"

"It's just um, we have a patient down in the ER. Minimal injuries, but she was in a car accident."

Forgetting everything that just happened with Mark, I spring into action. All I hear are the words "car accident" and images of my two children spring into my head.

"Well what are we waiting for, O'Malley, why didn't you page me sooner?" I turn on my heel and walk away quickly, before George can get another word in.

"Wait, Dr. Shepherd!" He calls, before running after me. But I can't stop because this situation feels all too familiar to me.

* * *

"Spontaneous orgasms?" I ask, giving Izzie and George a curious look while standing in the ER doorway. "Are you sure?"

As it turns out, this situation is not quite as familiar as I thought.

"Oh yes."

"Kind of hard to miss."

Izzie and George answer at the same time.

The patient, Pamela Calvin, really doesn't look too much older than my own daughter, which doesn't make this appointment any less awkward, for all parties involved.

"Miss Calvin, I'm Dr. Montgomery Shepherd," I introduce myself.

"It's Pamela," she looks up at me nervously. "Since we're gonna be talking about my…you know…may as well get familiar."

"Okay, Pamela, can you tell me how long this has been happening to you?"

"For a few months, I guess."

"How often?"

"About, I don't know, seven or eight times a day?" She looks at me sheepishly.

"Every day?" I hear Izzie ask a little too enthusiastically next to me.

"Dr. Stevens…"

"I'm sorry, every day?" She clears her throat.

"Yes, every day."

"And you haven't seen a doctor about this before?" I ask, jotting down a few notes in her chart.

"It's not exactly something you want to cure though, is it?" George pipes up.

"Dr. O'Malley!" I glare at my interns for their lack of professionalism, even though I'll admit I was thinking the same thing.

"Sorry…"

"I went to my doctor," Pamela admits. "He sent me to a shrink."

"And he didn't do any tests?"

"Pammy? You back here?" I hear a man I don't know call from the doorway.

"Oh God no, you called my father?!" Pamela looks at us incredulously.

"He's your emergency contact person," George responds.

"Pammy? What happened? You were in an accident?"

"I caused the accident, Dad."

"You were having one of your…"

"Episodes," she finishes for him. "Yeah."

Suddenly, she starts to squirm again. Of three of us standing around her bed, my interns look the least surprised. Even as a doctor, the last time I watched a woman have an orgasm was…never.

"Oh no…dang it…" Pamela covers her face with a pillow.

Trying to keep my nausea at bay, thanks to the baby, I look up at Pamela's father. He looks like I feel.

This is going to be an interesting consult indeed.

* * *

After my consult, which lasted longer than I would have liked, I'm determined to find Laurie while my interns wait for the lab results. It's after three; she should be done by now.

It's not until I'm walking briskly across the Catwalk that I see him, coming out of Richard's office and followed by none other than my husband. I feel my eyes widen at the sight of Mark Sloan, dressed in jeans and a tight black t-shirt, looking straight at me.

Behind him, Derek gives me the death glare before turning around and heading in the opposite direction. Quickly, I swallow the lump that's formed in my throat. Damn hormones. Damn Mark Sloan.

"What? You're not even a little bit happy to see me?" He chases after me after I turn and walk back in the direction I came.

I stick out my hand to keep him from getting too close.

"Go home. Whatever it is you came here to do, just drop it and leave."

"Hey, we all made mistakes Addison, all three of us, but somehow I lost my two best friends and my only niece."

"Please, Mark," I stop and face him.

"You cheated on him, he cheated on you for a lot longer; Addison, how do you expect to work out a marriage if as soon as there's a problem, he runs away into the arms of some intern?"

"Why are you here?" I ignore his question.

"For one reason. To bring you and Laurie home. I miss you, Addison, and I miss her."

"I'm in love with my husband, Mark, and Laurie needs her father. She came here because she needs her father, and he needs her."

"Oh so that's why he ran off and left her in New York?"

"Mark, please. We are working this out, and you being here…you just can't be here, okay?"

"So instead you have to stay here and be forced to watch Derek interact with his little intern all day?"

"It's not like that. He's…we're working it out. They broke it off, I've moved in with him, and – why am I even telling you this? It's none of your business anyway." I start to walk away again.

"Where is Laurie, Addison?" He asks, catching up with me again.

"She had an appointment with a doctor here this afternoon, I'm going to find her now."

"I'm going with you."

"No, no Mark…just please, _go home_. Laurie's been through a lot, more than you know, and she just needs some space right now, alright?"

"Addie, stop," he grabs my arm lightly. "What are you talking about? What happened?"

"There was just," I sigh. "There was just some stuff that happened when she came over here, okay? She's working through it. We all are."

"Why won't you tell me about my niece, Addison?" He asks forcefully.

"Because it's not mine to tell!" I almost yell back. "Laurie knows you're here. If she wants to see you she will say so, now if you'll excuse me…" I push past him.

"What makes you think this is going to work out?" He calls. "What makes you think he's not just going to pack up and leave again when things get rough?"

My next move is just about as unplanned as they come. Moving to stand about an inch away from him, I say as quietly as possible…

"Because I'm pregnant, Mark."

* * *

That night in the trailer, very little is said between all three of us. I sit at the little kitchen table, nursing a cup of tea while Derek lies on the bed and Laurie sits outside in the hammock with a book. Also, the baby seems to think "morning" sickness actually means "all day" sickness, so I've spent a good amount of time held up in the very small bathroom tonight as well. That makes everything just so much better.

"Derek?" I say quietly, turning around to face him. The expression he gives me almost makes me want to curl up into a ball and die. Obviously, whatever progress we'd made since I got here all just fell to crap with Mark showing up today.

"What?" He snaps. I hear Laurie close her book outside through the screen door.

"I um, I have my first OB appointment tomorrow at noon and, and it's with a new doctor so, will you be able to make it?" I ask him in as nice of a tone as possible. Really, right now, I don't need anything else from him – just for him to be there for his unborn child.

"Yeah, yeah I'll be there," is all he says before looking away again.

Well, I guess it's a start.

* * *

I almost forgot how cold the ultrasound gel is, as I lean back in the exam room chair with my stomach exposed. It's been over 16 years since I've been in this position.

Derek stands next to me while Laurie sits in a chair close to the wall. I can tell by the look on her face she's still not happy with me, and it doesn't help that we haven't really had a chance to talk since our fight yesterday morning.

Dr. Jane Harrison, my new OB here in Seattle, very carefully places the wand over my abdomen. I feel my breath catch in my throat when I see the little pea-sized embryo that is my baby. I notice Derek move his hand slightly as he looks at the screen, like he wants to take hold of mine, but he stops himself.

"Addison it looks like you're about seven or eight weeks along," Dr. Harrison smiles. "Heartbeat looks good. But I'm sure everything I tell you isn't anything you don't already know."

"True," I laugh, still staring at the screen. "But I don't think it would be a good idea to let me doctor myself in this situation."

"You should have seen her the last time she was pregnant," Derek mutters.

"It was um, during Med. School," I finish.

"Oh well that couldn't have been easy," Dr. Harrison says, printing off a picture and wiping the gel off my belly.

"Let's just say I was a little paranoid…"

"A _little_?" Derek looks up at me, incredulously.

"Okay, a lot. But everything turned out alright in the end," I smile, looking Laurie in the eye. For the first time since yesterday, her blue eyes meet my gaze and I feel my heart skip a beat.

Dr. Harrison turns around to smile at Laurie.

"You must be the Med. School baby."

"Present," Laurie raises her hand slightly, still not smiling. "I'm Laurie."

"It's nice to meet you, Laurie. Or should I say 'big sister.'" I notice her flinch at the word sister.

"So um, everything, everything with the baby is okay so far?" Laurie asks quietly, composing herself. Given what happened yesterday and the fact that we still haven't talked, I could almost cry.

"Yep, everything seems to be okay so far," Dr. Harrison responds. "But Addison I'll need you to come back next month for your 12 week check-up, and I'm going to prescribe you your first round of prenatal vitamins. And before you ask anything about age, you're fine. Women have babies in their late 30's all the time."

"You know I wasn't actually going to ask anything about that, but since you didn't assume I was in my 40's, I think I'll let it slide," I smile, sitting up in the exam chair. I think I'm going to like this doctor.

Without so much as a kiss on the cheek, Derek announces that he has to get back to work, only stopping to say goodbye to our daughter. Laurie stands in the corner of the room, waiting for me, but she still doesn't smile or say anything.

Saying goodbye to Dr. Harrison as she leaves the room, I walk over to Laurie and wrap an arm around her shoulders. Honestly I'm surprised she doesn't shove it off.

"I have an hour before my next appointment; you hungry? We could go down to the cafeteria?"

"Sure, Mom. That sounds great," Laurie sighs, walking ahead of me.

Only why don't I believe her?

* * *

The next night in the trailer is no chattier than the last. Laurie lay sprawled across her bed with a medical journal while Derek tends to a campfire outside, bottle of beer in hand. I swear, if this family gets any more somber, I am going to go crazy. Except even thought I have to, I don't want to be the one to bring up Mark, the fact that Derek was forced into doing a surgery with him today, or the fact that he can't seem to leave us alone when we need him to the most.

Sighing, I turn and look at my daughter. It's almost scary how much she looks like I did when I was in Med. School.

"Laurie listen, about Mark-"

"I don't want to talk about Uncle Mark right now," she replies, without looking up from her book, as Derek comes back inside.

"Addison the last thing our daughter needs to hear is any of your explanations as to why he's here," he states, sitting on the bed to take off his shoes. It's not even completely dark outside, but no one really has the energy to do anything.

"Well then what _do_ you want to talk about, Laurie?"

"I…" she starts. "I don't want to talk about anything."

Not wanting to push her, I just sit there, looking down at my hands.

"Really, it's you two who need to do the talking," Laurie sits up, with hardness in her voice.

"Laurie, there is more to this than you understand," Derek sighs, running a hand through his hair.

"I _understand_ that Mom cheated on you with Uncle Mark. I _understand_ that you were absent from our lives about 90 percent of the time over the past year, and that you _left_ me to come live in a trailer in the woods. And I _understand_ that you've always assumed that I was just "okay," or that I didn't realize what was going on. Well that's where you're wrong! Do you _know_ how much the two of you hurt _me_ too?! I can't talk to you about this, because if you can't even work out your own issues with each other, why should I get any more involved? I am so tired of being stuck in the middle and I just want it to stop! And I won't let it happen to my little brother or sister either too, so figure it out."

Derek sits there and I swear I see his jaw almost hit the floor. Laurie has never lashed out at him like that before, and up until yesterday, this was pretty new for me too. Opening my mouth to speak, I look at Laurie. Her eyes are swimming, bright blue against the flush of her cheeks. At this very moment, I wish she were five years old again so I could pull her into my arms and tell her never to worry about the silly problems of grown-ups.

"Laurie…" Derek starts.

"No, I don't want to talk to you right now. Talk to her. Work this out." She looks at me, her eyes piercing straight into me. "I'm going for a walk."

Quickly, she grabs a sweatshirt and slips on a pair of tennis shoes.

"Honey wait," I stand up. "Where are you going?"

"Out," she says flatly.

Swallowing the lump in my throat, I try to ignore my shock from seeing my daughter act this way. Granted, I understand why she is, but I've never seen her get this upset at us before.

"Come back before it gets dark, okay?" I reach out to touch her but she backs away, something she's never done before either. That, along with my out-of-whack hormones makes me have to hold back even more tears than usual.

Before Derek or I can say anything else, she's out the door. Turning to face my husband, I feel angrier than I have this whole time Mark has been here.

"This is not fair to her, Derek," I tell him pointedly.

"Look, I'm sorry if the man I found my wife in bed with has me a little bit on edge," he snaps.

"Well what about what I have to face day in and day out? You and Meredith?!"

"That's different and you know it."

"Oh really, Derek? It's different? How is it different? Is it because I cheated first?"

"Meredith and I work together, our relationship is strictly professional."

"Yeah, okay. You say that as if you think Mark and I are in some secret long distance relationship," I raise my voice, using my arms for emphasis.

"I didn't say that," he stands up to wash his face in the sink.

"But you sure implied it. What are we even doing here, Derek? I love you, I really do, and you said you loved me and that you wanted to make it work. Why does Mark coming here have to change that? I made a mistake – a _horrible_ mistake – but I don't love him! I never did, not like that."

"So you've said, Addison," Derek responds after drying his face and sitting down again. "But that still doesn't explain to me why he's here."

"I told you I have no idea why he came here, and believe it or not I told him to leave. More than once."

"Has Laurie spoken with him?"

"I have no idea the answer to that either," I sigh. "Although for her sake, I hope not." I sit down on Laurie's bed and pick up her pillow, breathing in her scent.

A moment later, Derek speaks again.

"We really messed up with her, didn't we?" He asks me quietly.

"Yeah, we did," I sniff, squeezing the pillow tighter.

"We need, _I_ need to do better…"

"No, no, you're right. _We_ need to do better. We can't keep piling everything on her and just expect her to be okay all the time. And we can't do that with this baby either." I move the pillow and place my hand back on my stomach.

"Derek?" I look up at him.

"Hmm?"

"You do want this baby, right?" My voice is quiet.

"Look Addison, I know we fight, and we have a lot of issues to work through, but no matter what happens between us I'll always be there for my children."

I can only hope Laurie knows that.

* * *

**Thanks so much for reading :) If any of you have suggestions for more events that could happen in this story, please let me know! And I've already started writing 29, so hopefully I'll be able to update sooner rather than later. Oh, and reviews would be lovely :)**


	29. Chapter 29

**A/N: Hello again :) So I really hope you guys like this chapter, because part of it takes place at the school I used to attend in real life, and some of that school is very dear to my heart. Also, thanks for sticking with me through think and thin, through updates and lack thereof. Y'all are the best :) Enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything.**

* * *

**Chapter 29**

**Lauren's POV**

I have never been a rebellious child before. One would think, after facing the death of my sister, an abortion, and the crumbling of my parents' marriage, I would have grown up hating the world and doing all kinds of things I shouldn't…drugs, alcohol, whatever. But no, aside from my little trip to Seattle, that's never been me. Because despite all of the terrible things that happened, there has always been enough good in my life to keep me at bay.

When Rinny died, I still had my parents and my entire family there to love me, and for me to love in return.

When I had the abortion, I had my three best friends, Hannah, Bella, and Megan there to hold my hand and tell me everything was going to be alright.

And when my parents' marriage fell apart time and time again, in my heart of hearts I knew they still loved me, even if they couldn't love each other.

So I suppose you could say running away from the trailer at eight o'clock in the evening and finding myself sitting inside the Chapel of Saint Ignatius at Seattle University is kind of a rare occurrence. As soon as I left my parents, I knew I this is where I would end up; being right on the edge of downtown, it really wasn't too hard to find. I thought about heading straight up to Charlie's dorm, but right now my head just feels so full, and it's been a while since God and I have had a little heart to heart.

As I sit here, staring at the statue of the Virgin Mary standing next to the altar, thoughts come flooding through my mind, starting with – what am I even doing here? _How_ did I even get here?

Short answer: my parents' marriage fell apart.

Long answer: my parents' marriage fell apart, my mom cheated on my dad with his best friend, my dad left me, I went to find him, was almost killed along the way, also managed to meet the sweetest boy in the world along the way, found my dad (albeit after getting in a car accident), accidentally found my mom too, discovered my parents are reconciling their marriage, discovered my mom is actually having another baby, my dad's said best friend shows up, almost ruins everything, then leaves…yeah I think that's about it. Oy.

Slipping off my shoes, I pull my knees to my chest. I remember the last conversation I had with Uncle Mark, just before he left.

_I walk out of my appointment with Dr. Wyatt in a huff; as great of a help as she is with getting me to work through my attack, I was too worked up about the events of today to really make much progress. _

"_But Laurie, don't you think this new baby could be a good thing? A sign that your parents really are going to make it work this time?" Dr. Wyatt asked me._

"_If you say so," I retorted. "But who's to say they won't do to my little brother or sister what they did to me? What about the next time things get tough?"_

"_But what about right now? This baby means they are trying to make it work _right now. _And what else could you ask for?"_

_I had no response to that._

_Letting out a sigh, I flop down on my back onto one of the beds in an empty hallway of the hospital, folding my arms across my face. According to Izzie, this is a prime hang out spot for the interns – it's quiet, thus making it easier to gossip. However, I'm just here to avoid my mother. I know she'll be looking for me soon, if not already, and I am so not ready to talk to her. Who cares what Dr. Wyatt said?_

"_I was wondering if I would run into you here."_

_A voice startles me from my thoughts and I sit up with a start._

"_Uncle Mark," I look up at him._

"_So, your mom hasn't found you yet?"_

"_No, and I'd like to keep it that way for the time being. What are you doing here?"_

"_Now is that any way to talk to your favorite uncle?" He smirks, coming to sit next to me._

"_Who said you're my favorite?" I respond. "Who says I don't hate you just as much as my parents?"_

"_Says we go back sixteen years; says the little girl who never stopped asking for piggy-back rides; says the young lady who comes to me about boys before her own father." He nudges my shoulder._

"_Touché," I smile slightly. "But seriously though, what are you even doing here?"_

"_I…I had to know you were okay. That your mom was okay…and your dad. I miss you guys and no matter what happened, your parents are…they're the only family I've got."_

"_So why did you and Mom have to go and fuck it all up?" I ask pointedly._

"_Laurie, it's way more complicated than that…"_

"_Ha, you sound like my father. What is it, make-Laurie-out-to-be-stupid year? Because I'm not. I know Dad was absent more often than not this past year, and I know it was hard on Mom, but just…_why_ did you two have to go and do this?"_

"_Laurie…"_

"_No, I want the truth. Please, you owe me that much."_

"_You're right," he sighs, leaning back against the wall. "I think it was just a combination of things. Your mom was sad that her husband would rather spend more time at work than at home with her and you. I was sad because my best friend would rather spend more time at work than at home with his wife and daughter. Look Laurie, I think you know we were all sad…"_

"_Go on," I prod._

"_Your mom had had a long day; you and Derek were both at the hospital and she called and asked me to come over. I think she was feeling pretty lonely. When I got there…she was a mess, crying about how Derek's never home, how she was afraid he would start to forget more and more…birthdays, their anniversary, everything, especially if he got that Chief of Surgery position at Sinai."_

"_Eventually one thing led to another. Addison was a mess, missing Derek, we finished off an entire bottle of wine…"_

_I try not to get too upset that he let her drink that night. My mother's not exactly an alcoholic, but she and the wine bottle are known to be friends when things get tough. That's pretty much the only thing I've always disliked about her._

"…_and then it just, happened." He looks down at his hands. "I think you probably know the rest from there."_

"_Yeah," I sigh, leaning back against the wall next to him. "I do."_

"_But Laurie you have to know, even though Addie and I still kept in touch after…after it happened, nothing else ever happened after that. I love your mom, I do, but not like that. I just needed to know that she's okay. I swear to you that's the only reason I'm here."_

_I sit there for a moment, contemplating. There's one question that comes to mind that I think I might already know the answer to, but I still have to ask._

"_Why should I believe you? Why should I believe that something like this won't happen again?" I feel my eyes prickle as I turn to look at him._

"_Because Addison and I know our mistake now," he wastes no time in answering. "We know what we did was wrong, and we know we don't love each other like that. We…I want what's best for everyone here, and what's best for you. And what's best for you is to have both of your parents; I promise you Laurie I will never do anything to jeopardize that for you again." His voice grows quiet._

_I think for a moment again, trying to remember the last time Uncle Mark lied to me. I come up with nothing. As much as I hate to admit it right now, I have no reason _not_ to believe him._

_Slowly, I lean towards him and rest my head on his shoulder. He smells like a mixture of some cologne I can't quite pinpoint, a little bit of airplane, and…Uncle Mark._

"_I believe you," I say quietly. He wraps an arm around me from behind._

"_Have I ever told you, Laurie, that you're the only girl for me?"_

"_Oh, maybe once or twice," I smile, and fall into his familiar embrace._

I'm not even sure why, but when I come to, there are tears falling down my cheeks. Quietly, I choke on a sob as I wipe my eyes.

Sitting up straight, I cross myself after saying a short prayer and giving thanks. Suddenly, I hear the front door open and shut and I jump about a mile. Slipping back into my shoes, I turn towards the door only to see a kind looking man, probably in his mid-30s, walking towards me.

"Oh, sorry!" He looks at me. "I didn't know anyone was in here."

"Um," I clear my throat. "No it's fine, I was just…I was just leaving."

"Oh, don't feel like you need to leave on my account. I'm the chapel choir director here, and I just needed to come by and make sure everything was in place for the special Mass tomorrow morning." He walks over to the side of the room where the piano and choir music rest.

"Oh…okay. Well, thanks," I give him a small smile.

"Are you…are you okay?" He asks me, studying my expression.

"Yes," I tell him. "No. Yes. I don't know." I sigh.

"Anything you want to talk about?"

I give him a look. Regardless of being a Catholic chapel choir director, and having a friendly persona, this guy is still a stranger.

"By name's Bill, by the way," he smiles, coming to sit in my pew and carrying a prayer book.

"Laurie," I stick out my hand to shake his.

"Summer school student, I'm guessing?"

"No, no I'm not. I don't actually go here…" I look down at my hands.

"Oh, okay then…"

"My friend goes here though. I don't know if you know him…Charlie Miller? He's gonna be a sophomore."

"Charlie Miller? Yeah I know him, he plays guitar for us at Sunday evening Mass," Bill smiles.

"Why doesn't that surprise me…" I chuckle.

"Why?"

"Oh I don't know, it just seems like everyone I run into lately knows Charlie in some way or another."

"Well around here he's just one of those guys everybody loves. Just the way he is."

"Yeah," I nod.

"Look Laurie, I know we just met, but if you need someone to talk to right now you can talk to me…or God. He's always listening, you know," Bill looks up.

"I know, but it's been a while since the two of us talked," I pick at my fingernails.

"Well He never forgets about you. Just remember that next time you're feeling alone," Bill smiles at me again.

"Yeah, I know. But thanks," I look up at him. "I should really let you get to work." I stand up.

"Take care of yourself, Laurie," he stands up. "Whatever's bothering you, leave it to God; it'll all work out, just remember to keep faith. And these doors are always open should you need them."

"Thanks Bill," I shake his hand again. "Hey, you don't happen to know which building Charlie lives in, do you?" It just dawned on me that even though I know Charlie lives at Seattle University, there are three different dorms and I have no idea which one he's in.

"I think he's living in Xavier for the summer," he tells me. "Surprise visit?"

"I guess you could say that…" I mutter. "Thanks again for everything." I turn to leave, crossing myself again with Holy Water before stepping back out into the chilly night air.

Crossing my arms across my chest, I try to keep myself as warm as possible. I have no idea where Xavier is, but I figure if I start walking, I'm bound to find it sometime; this campus is tiny, after all.

As I walk down the lower mall, I listen to the cars drive by on Madison Street. I think about my parents, if they're worried, and if they're wondering where I went. Ha, there's no "if." Given what I just did to them, of course they'd be worried. But even so, I'm not ready to talk to them right now; not when they're being like this.

A voice once again interrupts me from my thoughts. Except this time, it's familiar – warm and comforting.

"Laurie?"

I spin around. Walking toward me from the opposite direction is none other than Charlie himself, dressed in soccer clothes and carrying a workout bag, and another bag of what must be his dinner.

"Charlie," I breathe. "I…I was just coming to see you."

"What are you doing here?" He asks, worried. "Are you okay? What happened?"

"Yeah, I'm, I'm okay. I just needed to talk to someone, and you seem like such a good, a good person to talk to so here I am."

"Do your parents know you're here?" He asks, walking beside me towards his dorm.

"Not exactly," I shove my hands in my sweatshirt pocket. It's a Columbia sweatshirt, my parents' alma mater.

"Laurie!" He turns to look at me. "Man, you can't just run away from your parents like that, they'll be worried sick."

"Please, spare me the lecture. Can I talk to you or not?"

He pauses, giving me the worried look again that Mom has mastered so well.

"'Course I can," he wraps his free arm around my shoulders as we make our way inside.

"Yo, Charlie!" A shirtless guy yells from the other end of the hallway as we walk towards Charlie's room. "Sick assists today, man."

"Hey, thanks Tyler. But, gotta hit the gym again early tomorrow. No pain no gain, right?"

"That's one of my teammates," Charlie tells me as we walk inside. "Tyler Jackson, forward."

"The only _real_ position to play in this sport," I smirk.

"Hey now, those assists I had today were pretty badass," he sets his bag down on the floor near the desk.

"Yeah well if you were a forward, some of those "assists" could have been goals," I sit down on his bed, leaning against the wall.

"You know what? I'm not even gonna argue this one with you again," he sighs, taking off his jersey, leaving him just in an undershirt and shorts. "What I wanna know is, what are you really doing here, Laurie? If you needed something you know you could have just called." He sits down next to me.

"I just had to get out of there," I look down.

"Get out of where?" He responds quickly. "What happened, Laurie? You can tell me."

"My uncle showed up in Seattle, that's what happened." I feel myself getting upset with my parents all over again.

"And that's a bad thing, because…"

"Because my mom cheated on my dad with him a few months ago!" I shout, at no one in particular.

"…oh," is all he can manage.

"Yeah, that's why my dad moved out to Seattle in the first place. He left Mom and me after he caught her. I didn't know where he was for over a month, and then once I found out, I came here. That's when you found me. I…I was on my way here. And then Mom found out where I was going and…long story short, she got here before I did. I think you know the rest from there. But anyway, _that_ uncle showed up in Seattle yesterday and caused all kinds of shit between my parents, and now they're all angry with each other again even though they agreed to give their marriage another shot and God…I'm just so ticked with them right now. They're handling this all wrong."

Subconsciously, Charlie takes my hand.

"I hate to be the bearer of bad news bro, but ticked or not, you need to tell them you're here. They're gonna flip shit if you don't."

"Let them flip all the shit they want," I say pointedly. "I'm not calling them."

"Laurie…"

"I said no. Let them worry. Let them think about how their actions affect someone else for a change."

"Will you at least let me call them then? I don't want them to have any reason not to trust me with you. Please? For me?" He looks straight into my eyes.

"Fine," I give in after a moment. "But you do the talking."

As it turns out, Mom's voice got so loud over the phone it was almost like I was the one talking to her after all. Charlie remained calm, telling her I was here, safe and okay, and he would bring me back to her in the morning. She wasn't having it at first, but then my guess is she realized her faux pas, and that because of her, I really do not want to be at home tonight.

Right after Charlie hangs up, I ask a question that popped in my head pretty quickly.

"You got your car back?"

"Nah, that poor thing was totaled," he sighs, still sitting next to me. "But I gotta say, car insurance is a beautiful thing. That truck who hit us? His insurance company was forced to give me enough money to buy _two_ new cars…want one?"

"As tempting as that sounds, I think I'll pass," I laugh.

Charlie takes my hand again.

"You know Laurie, to be totally honest, I…I've never met anyone like you before." He rubs circles over my hand with his thumb, and I find it very comforting.

"Oh really? Well sweet…I've always wanted to be one of a kind," I grin at him.

"No, seriously," he smiles back. "You're funny, you're smart – probably smarter than me, you're beautiful, and you're probably the strongest person I've ever met. You'll forgive your parents soon, you'll see."

"Well…you're delusional for thinking I'm beautiful," I slouch further down against the wall, thinking about how I'm literally dressed in jeans, a plain purple t-shirt, sweatshirt, and Converse. I make no comment to what else he says.

"I know beautiful when I see beautiful, and you," he tilts my chin up with his hand so I have to look at him. "Are beautiful."

"I…" I start, but before I can finish he's closing his mouth over mine. I don't even mind that he's somewhat sweaty from practice; I'm a soccer player myself. I could not care less about sweat. As the kiss deepens, Charlie moves his hands to my face, rubbing soft circles on my cheeks with his thumb. I can already feel myself getting lost as I wrap my arms around his neck. I've kissed boys before, sure, but none have felt anything like this. This kiss I can feel, from my lips all the way down to my fingers and toes. This kiss makes me feel whole.

"Charlie," I whisper as he leans forward, cradling me against him as we lie down on the bed.

We lay side by side, close enough that our foreheads rest against one another. I move a hand to his cheek, feeling its warmth. He kisses me again, softly.

"You have no idea how long I've wanted to do that," he runs his fingers through my hair.

"Yeah," I smile. "Me too."

"Has anyone ever told you how gorgeous your eyes are?" He looks straight into them, not even an inch away.

"No," I giggle. "But feel free to start."

"I can tell you every single day," he whispers, and I close my eyes as he kisses the lids.

* * *

"Thanks for letting me stay," I whisper about an hour later, tangling my legs with his and snuggling into his chest. Both freshly showered, we both squeeze into his twin bed in an attempt to get some sleep. He smells like musk, kind of like my dad after he showers, and I find this very comforting as well.

"Anytime, Laurie. Anytime," Charlie runs a hand up and down my back lightly. I sigh contentedly, wearing a pair of his clean boxers and t-shirt. I place a kiss on his bare chest.

"Listen," he starts, quietly. "I want you to know that I'll…I'll never make you do anything you're not comfortable with, Laurie." He kisses my forehead before tilting my chin up to look at him again. "I care about you, a lot, and maybe one day I could even…never mind. My point is, you can trust me, and I'll wait as long as you want."

I feel my eyes prickle again at his patience and kindness; almost the total opposite of Logan when it came to the subject of sex. The fact is, right now, even if I hadn't been attacked I don't think I'd be ready to do it again. I _am_ only 16 after all, and call me crazy but I want the next time to be special, and with someone who I really love.

However, I think one day, maybe even soon, I really could fall in love with Charlie.

"I…I don't even know what to say," I choke, as my eyes fill up more than I'd like. "Thank you, Charlie. But um, just for the record, I really care about you too, and one day I think I could even love you."

That's all he needs before he kisses me on the lips again, slow and sweet, like he's afraid this is a dream he'll wake up from.

"We can do anything you're comfortable with right now, Laurie."

I snuggle closer to him and place a hand on his hip underneath the blanket.

"I think…right now I just want to kiss you," I lean forward and press my lips to his.

"Again." Kiss.

"And again." Kiss.

"And again." Kiss.

With that last again, I keep my lips against his long enough that his tongue begs for entrance, which I happily oblige. We don't break apart for several minutes, the both of us wanting to ingrain the feeling of each other's lips into our brains. Seriously though, the way he's kissing me now, the way he holds me, caresses me…I never want to be with another guy for as long as I live.

* * *

Early the next morning before practice, Charlie drops me off at the hospital, with a promise to see me again soon. I'm not particularly happy about coming back here right now, but really, I have nowhere else to go in this city. I haven't talked to my parents since last night when I left the trailer, but my senses tell me that the both of them are here regardless.

Burying my hands in the sleeves of my sweatshirt, I slowly make my way up to the OB wing, where I know my mother's office is. Although I was just up here a couple of days ago, it feels different now that I'm no longer in a blind frenzy, Mom's positive pregnancy test in hand.

I have the right to be mad at my parents, I keep telling myself. What they did in New York, I gave them too many free passes, and then after finding out about the baby, it felt like all of my past just came crashing down, excluding the attack of course; like they put me through that for nothing. But I really do hate fighting with my parents, because they've done so much for me and in my heart of hearts I know they'll always be there when I need them.

And now I'm going to have a little brother or sister, who I can play with, teach how to kick a soccer ball, and love to pieces. It's kind of a daunting thought that if I'd decided to keep my baby, I would be five months pregnant right now, and my kid would be older than its aunt or uncle. Weird. Yet for some reason, I can't help feeling just a little more excited for Mom now; I know how much she wished she could have more than one kid, but after Rinny died she just couldn't have another, and to be honest I don't know if I would have wanted another sibling back then anyway. All I wanted was to have the sister back that I lost.

I smile as I pass by the large window looking into the nursery. I notice one baby in particular – a girl – waving around her pudgy little arms and gazing right at me. Placing a hand against the glass, I think about what it'll be like in six or seven months when I get to hold my baby sibling, and I can't help but notice the stupid grin on my face through my reflection in the glass.

"Laurie?"

I spin around, immediately taking my hand off of the glass.

"Oh, hi Izzie. How are you?"

"I was just gonna ask you the same thing," she comes and stands next to me, two charts in hand. "What are you doing back here? I mean…not that I don't miss my favorite patient to gossip with, but…"

"No, it's fine," I smile. "I'm not actually here for an appointment though. Have you seen my mom around anywhere? I need to talk to her about something."

"Oh yeah, I heard about the baby this morning. I don't think many other people know yet though so I'll just say congrats ahead of time," she whispers.

"Yeah, it was kind of weird at first, since it was so unexpected, you know? But I think I'm warming up to the idea a little," I tell her, stuffing my hands in my front pocket.

"And your mom is amazing with babies," Izzie gushes. "She runs me ragged, but it's worth it." She turns her head and smiles at the little ones in the nursery. "Oh yeah you wanted to know where she is! She got pulled into an emergency surgery about an hour ago, I can page her if you want?"

"Oh no that's okay, she's probably in extreme work mode by now. I'll just go wait in her office or something," I give Izzie a quick hug before continuing down the hall. "Thanks!"

Stepping into Mom's empty office and shutting the door behind me, everything seems so much quieter than last time. Probably because I'm calmer. Walking behind her desk, I notice the little framed photos of Rinny and me and smile slightly, even though the photo of me is a lot more recent. Standing there for a moment, I imagine what the desk will look like with a third photo frame next to ours.

Letting out a sigh, I walk over and lie down on the couch, slipping off my shoes and curling up into a ball. Putting my hood up, I snuggle deeper into the cushions until I fall into a more peaceful sleep than I've had in weeks.

* * *

I don't know how long I've been asleep when I wake up to someone running their fingers through my now uncovered hair. I sigh again contentedly before realizing that my head is now resting on a pillow atop someone's lap. Turning over, I notice that someone is my mother, still dressed in navy blue scrubs.

"Good morning, sunshine," she smiles down at me, running a hand over the top of my head.

"When did you get back?" I ask hoarsely, having just woken up.

"I got out of surgery an hour ago, and then I ran into Izzie who told me you were here. I didn't know here meant curled up on my office couch," she runs the back of her hand along my cheek with a tenderness that makes me want to cry, especially the way I've been treating her these past couple of days, and then not coming home last night.

Unfortunately, my tear ducts end up getting the best of me and I have to sit up to keep anything from falling.

"Baby, what's wrong? Why can't you talk to me?" Mom looks at me with concern as I take off my sweatshirt.

"I don't know," I sigh. "I just…"

I lean forward and Mom puts a hand on my back, rubbing it lightly.

"Everything was just happening so fast, you know? I mean first Dad leaves and we have no idea where he is, and then I go to find him only to discover that you're already here and reconciling your marriage. Then I find out we're uprooting our entire lives here and that you're having another _baby_? It was just a lot to take in," I turn my head to look at her.

"And then when Uncle Mark showed up the other day, and everything went downhill again between you and Dad, I didn't know what to do. I just knew I couldn't sit back and watch your marriage fall apart again and pretend like nothing was wrong. Mom it…it hurts me when you're hurting, and when Daddy's hurting. And as much as I love Uncle Mark, his coming here almost ruined everything and I just got so mad." I wipe a couple of tears from my cheeks.

"I didn't know what else to do," I look down at my hands. "I'm sorry, Mom."

"Honey…" She starts, running a hand over my hair before we lean back against the cushions. Subconsciously, I rest my head against her chest; even at 16, sometimes cuddling with her just makes me feel so much better.

"I'm the one who's sorry," she tells me, running her fingers through my hair some more. "Laurie, I could never have asked for a better daughter than you. You're kind, smart, and beautiful, and you care about people. I took advantage of you and I…I don't know if I'll ever forgive myself for that."

I start to feel more tears coming on as Mom holds me tighter, not wanting to let go.

"You're everything I've ever wanted in a daughter and so much more," she whispers.

I smile against her.

"You're not so bad yourself."

"I like to think I've been better," Mom sighs, rubbing my back.

"Have a little more confidence in yourself, Mommy," I joke, mocking her from what she told me about school the other night. She laughs.

"I guess I can't argue with that."

"Look, I know I haven't told you this before, but I mean, I grew up watching you and Bizzy, and how hard she can be on you for no reason at all. It actually physically hurt to watch sometimes. I don't…I don't know how you turned out the way you did, but I'm really grateful," I wrap my arm around her middle, suddenly thinking of the baby in there, and how luck it'll be to have our mother too.

"I'm really lucky to have someone like you, even if we do fight and get upset with each other. Yeah some stuff happened these past couple of days that sucked, but I still love you, Mom. And I love my little brother or sister," I smile.

By now Mom's shaking from trying not to cry too hard. I just give her a minute, and wait for her to blame the hormones.

"Damn hormones," she laughs after choking on a sob.

"I knew you were gonna say that," I tease, standing up to grab her a tissue from the desk.

I turn back around to give it to her, only to find her now standing directly in front of me, wrapping me in a tight hug. I melt into her familiar and comforting embrace.

"My baby," she sighs, rocks us back and forth slightly. "How did I luck out with you? And how are you almost as tall as me?" She sniffs, placing a hand on the back of my head. "Try not to grow up so fast, okay?"

"Okay," I mumble into her shoulder. "But I am as tall as you, you just wear four inch heels all the time," I smile, wiping a couple more stray tears.

"Hey, hey," she pulls away and places a hand on my cheek. "I'm gonna ignore that last comment because you know my relationship with shoes, and say no more crying. That's my job now." She places a hand on her stomach.

"I wonder if the baby's gonna be a boy or a girl," I look down at her still flat stomach.

"Well, what do you want it to be?" she asks.

"I don't know, I haven't really thought about it I guess," I admit. And it's true; lately I'd been more concerned with my family suddenly falling apart again at my uncle showing up than whether I'd have a brother or sister. "What about you?"

"I'd be happy with either," Mom smiles, using the tissue to wipe her eyes some more. "But I think your daddy really wants a son. You know, when you were younger you told him you wanted a little brother."

"Seriously? I did? I don't remember that."

"Yeah," she laughs. "You and Rin were about four, and your dad and I were just talking about trying for another baby. We were up at the cabin and the two of you were asleep on our laps. Well, I _thought_ you were asleep."

"What did Rin say about it?"

"Oh she didn't say anything, she actually _was_ asleep," Mom tickles my ribs.

"Hey, it's not my fault you two were probably talking loud!" I laugh.

"But no, you woke up and told your dad you had to tell him a secret, and that I wasn't allowed to know yet. He said okay, so you leaned up to his ear and whispered that you wanted a little brother."

"Obviously I wasn't very good at whispering…"

"I thought it was so cute," Mom grins. "And then we tried for almost two years, until…" She pauses; we both know what came next.

"She would have been a good big sister," I sigh, falling into Mom's embrace again.

"And _you_ are going to be a good big sister," she kisses the side of my head.

"God, can you believe 18 years from now, you could be in this exact same position? Sending your youngest child off to college?"

"Okay, really, are you _trying_ to make me cry again?"

"Point taken," I kiss her cheek before pulling away and sitting back down on the couch. "I um, I know it's only morning, but how much work do you have left for today?"

"My next appointment isn't for another couple of hours, and then I have a C-Section at two. Now I just have to finish the paperwork from that emergency surgery, but unless I get called in later I should be good to go after that C-Section. Why, you just couldn't wait to hang out with your mom today?" She grins.

I laugh, but just as I'm about to answer, Mom moves her hand to her stomach again and gasps, wincing at the pain. I immediately stand up, worried.

"Mom? Mom, what's wrong?" I stand next to her.

"I don't…it's just a cramp, probably nothing. It's normal for the first trimester," she forces a smile.

"Are you sure? Because-"

Before I can finish she doubles over, crying out.

"Mom!" I bend down and wrap an arm around her back to hoist her up. "Let's go lie down."

"This cramp is really hurting," she winces again, arms across her belly as she lies down on her side. "Honey, have someone get Dr. Harrison, now," she cries out again.

Swallowing the lump in my throat, I run to the door, shouting at anyone who can hear me.

"Help! Somebody page Dr. Harrison now!"

I notice a nurse spring into action before I run back over to Mom.

"What can I do?" I ask, running my hand over the top of her head. She's started to sweat.

"Check…blood…" is all she can manage.

Looking down at her scrub pants, I feel myself breathe a sigh of relief – there's no blood. At least not yet.

"No, no there's no blood. You're okay, everything's going to be okay. The doctor will be here soon, Mom I promise," I place my hand back on her head.

Suddenly, Izzie runs into the room.

"What happened?" She bends over next to me.

"These cramps," Mom curls her knees into her chest. "I don't know…my baby…"

"She was fine, she was just fine and then all the sudden she got a bad cramp in her stomach and it's not going away," I tell her. I'm scared and I'm no longer trying to hide it. I've never seen my mother in so much physical pain before and let me tell you I do not like it. "I told someone to page Dr. Harrison but she's not here yet!"

"Laurie, Laurie calm down. There's no blood, but I'm gonna get her to an exam room and we'll check it out alright? Dr. Shepherd, can you stand at all?"

"I don't know I don't think so," her face contorts from the pain.

"Okay, I'm gonna go get a wheel chair I'll be right back," Izzie stands up quickly.

"Izzie!" I turn to her. "Page my dad. Please…please page my dad." At this point I don't even care whether or not Mom wants him to know about this.

She nods and runs out of the room.

"Mommy," I cry, taking hold of her hand. Fresh tears are making their way down my cheeks.

"Honey, I'll be okay. It'll be okay," she tells me, but at this point I don't even hear her. The point is, she's in pain and I have no idea why. It can't be an ectopic pregnancy or else the ultrasound would have caught it. If there's no blood then she can't be miscarrying. All I know is that something is hurting her and I want it to stop.

I would do anything to make it stop.

* * *

**So, two things.**

**1. Sorry if this chapter had a little too much God for some people. I'm a liberal Christian in real life, so I kind of wanted to incorporate that into my character too :)**

**2. Bill the Chapel choir director is actually a real person, and a very sweet person at that. I felt Laurie deserved a moment with him, as I have had many.**

**I hope you enjoyed this chapter! Reviews would be lovely! Thanks for reading :) **


	30. Chapter 30

**A/N: Oh hey guys! I'm baaack! I can't believe it's been over a month since I've updated...but seriously this chapter took me quite a while to get right, because I experimented with some things a little bit. Anyway, thanks so much for sticking with me this long, I really really appreciate all the lovely reviews and I hope you like this chapter!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything.**

* * *

**Chapter 30**

**Lauren's POV**

"She's gonna be okay, sweetheart," Dad wraps an arm around my shoulders as Mom gets taken to CT. Now sedated, she's no longer in pain but no one knows what's wrong with her just yet. It's not a miscarriage – this much we know – but what _else_ could have caused those cramps?

"I know," I sigh, leaning into him. "I've just never seen her like that before and…"

I feel a lump make its way into my throat, threatening to leave me crying all over again as we walk into the attendings' locker room and sit down on a couch. I rest my head against his chest and he kisses my forehead.

Suddenly, I feel like I'm eight years old again, letting my daddy hold me when I'm scared.

"Daddy, can you tell me a story?"

I ask him the one question that always used to make me feel better; he always used to come up with the craziest stories, ones I used to find funny as a little kid.

Dad laughs. "What kind of story?"

"I don't know…any story. Like you used to do when I was little and would get scared of stupid stuff like thunderstorms."

"Hey that wasn't stupid, you and I got a good game going out of those thunderstorms…"

"The raindrop on the window race," I smile.

"I remember every time you asked me to play after I showed it to you," Dad tells me. "You just couldn't get enough."

I let out a small laugh.

"Okay, now you wanted a story…let's see…"

I let out a sigh and close my eyes.

"Two priests, a rabbi, and a duck…"

"Dad," I laugh.

"All right, I'm kidding. Okay, this story starts in the summer."

"Who's in it?" I interrupt.

"Now _that_ is for you to figure out."

"Okay fine, continue."

"Like I said, this story starts in the summer, summer of 1986…"

* * *

**Derek's POV**

**June, 1986**

"Man, I can't believe I signed myself up for this," I sigh on the phone to my best friend Mark, who's currently spending his summer cozied up to every woman with a pulse in Cabo. "This class is torture."

"_Hey, don't come crying to me, I told you not to do that summer program. Yale is for nerds and squares."_ Mark laughs. _"But apparently you're not tortured enough during the actual school year, so I guess that makes you a nerd…and a square."_

"Well excuse me for trying to get ahead and actually make myself look good for med. school, unlike you…"

"_Ha you'll be eating your words when we _both_ end up getting into Columbia…"_

"Don't sound so confident," I interrupt. "Mr. Spending-the-whole-summer-on-the-beach."

"_You're talking to the guy who could pass Dr. Gilbert's class with just a wink and a smile, and she's the toughest professor at Bowdoin. I got this med. school thing in the bag," _Mark chuckles.

"You know what, whatever. You go screw the next woman who walks by in a bikini; I've got to get to class."

"_Oooh, which class is this?"_

"Gross Anatomy," I run a hand though my hair. "We're working with cadavers today. Luckily it's my last class before the weekend though. I'm beat."

"_Sounds like a swell time, my friend. Try not to kill yourself from having too much fun."_

"Oh ha ha. I'll talk to you later."

"_Later."_

I hang up the phone against the wall, picking up my bag and sighing again as I make my way to my last class of the afternoon. As soon as I get there, almost a dozen different cadavers are set up around the room.

"Alright students," my professor, Dr. Zimmer announces. "Gather your lab partners and stand around a cadaver. There shouldn't be more than two people per body."

Looking around, I notice my lab partner is missing from class. Perfect, just what I wanted to end the week with; a project that's now going to take me twice as long. Pulling on a pair of rubber gloves, I make my way over to a body and wait for instruction.

Fifteen minutes later, I'm just about to start my dissection when all of the sudden I hear someone walk up to me and stand on the other side of the cadaver. I can feel them staring even before I can look up. Annoyed, I'm just about to tell them to buzz off; that is, until they say something. Until _she_ says something.

"Mind if I join you? My partner is out sick today."

I look up; staring back at me is the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. Immediately I'm mesmerized by the blue-green of her eyes, the red of her hair…

"Well?" She asks.

"Oh, right, um sure," I stammer. "My partner's out today too."

"Thanks," she smiles. "I'm Addison, Addison Montgomery." She reaches out a gloved hand.

"Derek Shepherd," I take her hand.

"So Derek Shepherd, I don't believe I've seen you around before. You go to Yale?"

"Um, no actually," I clear my throat. "I'll be a junior at Bowdoin. I'm just here for the summer. I'm guessing you go here?"

"Yeah, I'll be a junior next fall too. I'm from Connecticut originally and my father went to Yale, so you know, it was kind of expected I go too…"

My heart skips a beat. Addison is from Connecticut too.

"Oh, you're from Connecticut? What a coincidence, so am I." I feel like my attempts to be smooth are going from bad to worse.

"Hartford," she smiles. "And you?"

"Bridgeport," I answer a little too quickly. Addison just nods back at me before looking down at the cadaver. Great.

Unfortunately, that was the end of our small talk, even though I'd love nothing more than to take her hand, leave this room, and spend the next eternity talking, and then maybe a little of something else…No, focus Derek.

Addison and I spend the next hour working on our dissection, focusing in particular on the intestinal tract, as our professor told us. I notice right away, she's brilliant, and to be honest it's a little intimidating. It's not before long that I realize I'm staring at her again, diligently working over the body.

"You're amazing," I whisper a little too loudly.

"What was that?" She pokes her head up.

"Oh uh, amazing, the body – I mean cadaver – intestinal tract, really amazing…"

"Okay then," she gives a small laugh before looking down again. God, I'm such an idiot.

For the rest of class I do my best not to say anything stupid in front of Addison again. If I want her to go out with me in this lifetime I need to be less of a doofus.

"Well I think we're done here," she sighs, finishing up the analysis. "Hey Derek, you okay?"

She snaps me out of another daze.

"What, yeah I'm fine. Let me just go get Dr. Zimmer and we can get out of here."

Pulling off my gloves as I go to find our professor, I start thinking of what would be the easiest way to ask Addison out after class. Jeez, where the hell is Mark when you need him? No screw that, Mark would probably win Addison over before I even had a chance.

Naturally, thanks to her, Dr. Zimmer signs off on our dissection almost immediately. Making sure to grab her books for her, we walk out of the classroom side by side.

"Thanks for letting me work with you today, Derek," she smiles, taking her books back from me.

"Oh, it was no problem at all," I smile back at her. Crap, now's my chance. "In fact, if you'd like to work together more often or maybe sometime we could go out…"

"Wait, Derek," she stops me before I can finish. "I know what you're about to ask, and don't get me wrong you seem like a really great guy, and you're smart, but I just got out of a bad relationship and I'm not sure if I want to, you know, just yet."

"Oh," is all I can manage. "Okay then. But I mean, if you need a friend or anything too, I could be your friend. I'm a very good friend." I try my hand at flirting again.

"I'm sure you are Derek," she giggles. "Tell you what, I'll ask Dr. Zimmer if we can be lab partners from now on, and then maybe later on after we've gotten to know each other a little better, we can, you know, go out sometime."

"I think that sounds good, Addison."

"Wow, no cocky smart-ass remark? I think I like you already," she smirks, turning to walk back to her dorm. "I'll see you around, Derek."

"Yeah, see you," I almost whisper, trying not to let my eyes wander as she walks away from me.

As soon as I get back to my dorm, I pick up the phone and call Mark.

"_Dude I was just about to score. You have terrible timing."_

I roll my eyes, knowing that Mark definitely was not talking about sports.

"Well this couldn't wait. I have to tell you something."

"_What is it that's so important it can't wait 'til tomorrow?"_ Mark groans.

"Because Mark, I think I found the woman I'm going to marry."

* * *

**Lauren's POV**

"That was how you and Mom met." Listening to Dad's story, I realized this almost immediately. Now I can only wonder how I didn't know this story before.

"You got it," he squeezes me tighter.

"You know Daddy I never pegged you for the awkward, stuttering college student who gets intimidated by pretty girls," I sit up and he nudges my shoulder.

"Hey I wasn't always this good looking. And this hair," he points to his head, "takes time, effort, and lots of perseverance."

I laugh. "And here I thought it was genetic."

Dad looks at me for a moment. "You know you look so like your mom did when I first met her."

"Really?"

"Really really. You just watch out for those awkward, stuttering college boys who'll be knocking down your door in just a few years. My intentions may have been good, but others…not so much," he jokes.

"Right, I'll…keep that in mind." Even though there's only one boy on my mind lately, and he's already in college.

"I love you, Buddy," Dad says to me as I lean back against his chest.

"I love you too, Daddy. Always and forever."

We sit together for another few minutes in silence, until Mom's doctor comes in to find us.

"Dr. Shepherd? Addison's out of her scan now. We gave her some medication for the pain, but she should be awake in a few minutes."

"Thanks Dr. Harrison," Dad and I stand up and head toward the door.

"Dad?" I stop him. "Thanks for telling me that story."

"Anytime, sweetheart." He hugs me.

"And um, I think you should go in and see Mom first. I'm kind of thirsty anyway."

"Are you sure? I'm sure she'll be asking for you as soon as I walk in."

"Yeah, I'm sure. Just tell her I'll be there in a minute."

Dad kisses my forehead. "Okay."

I watch him head down the hall toward Mom's room before I turn in the opposite direction, in search of a place to clear my head before seeing my mother sick in a hospital for the first time.

* * *

It's been over 20 minutes and I'm still stalling going into Mom's room. I know she's probably asking Dad where I am, but I still can't get the image of her curled up on her office couch, writhing in pain from some invisible monster. I guess in a way it's kind of "like mother, like daughter;" neither of us can stand to see the other one in pain, especially when it's out of our control.

But she's more than just my mom, she's my best friend. She's my best friend in the same way Hannah is my best friend; I can tell her anything and everything and she would never judge me or love me any less. Well, except for that one time, but that's in the past now. The point is, I don't want to live without Mom any more than I wanted to live without Rinny. I don't know _how_ I could live without her.

I take a deep breath and cross my arms over my chest, feeling the goose bumps rise as I walk slowly down the hallway towards Mom's room. Stopping just in front of her door, I shut my eyes for a moment, preparing myself to see Mom stuck in a hospital bed, dressed in a gown and waiting to hear what's wrong.

Slowly, I move to stand in the doorway. Mom's sitting up, resting her head against a pillow and keeping a hand over her stomach. She looks up at me and smiles, but I can't look her in the eye. Dad turns around in his chair before standing to greet me.

"I told you she was gonna be okay," he whispers, hugging me. I return the hug, gratefully, before going to sit on the edge of Mom's bed. Dad steps out, letting the two of us have a moment.

"Hey you," she smiles.

"Hey Mom," I give her a small smile in return. "How are you feeling?"

"Much better," she looks at me. "We know it's not a miscarriage, that's for sure, but now we're just waiting for the scans to come back and tell us what it is for sure."

"So there's still a baby in there?" I look down at her hand, now rubbing lower belly.

"There's still a baby in there," Mom answers. "The ultrasound confirmed it. Your little brother or sister is a fighter, just like someone else I know." She takes my hand.

I look down sheepishly.

"I'm sorry for scaring you, sweetheart," Mom rubs her thumb over the top of my hand.

Before I can help it, I sniff and a couple of tears fall. I wipe them away quickly with my free hand.

"Come here," Mom holds her arms up to me and I nestle into them, fitting against her like a puzzle piece.

"I feel like we just did this," I mutter, my head against her chest.

"Except I would much rather it be this than the other way around," Mom whispers.

"Mom…"

"Honey, I may be a doctor but seeing you in a hospital bed is not something I enjoy very much."

"But the baby…"

"Is just fine. Still in there, still with a strong heartbeat. Now they just need to figure out what was wrong with me, and I'd much rather have myself in that situation than you."

"I just…I don't ever want to lose you, Mom," I wrap my arm around her middle. "I don't know what I would do without you."

She takes a deep breath before resting her lips against my head.

"I'm not going anywhere just yet, sweetheart. But no way are you dying before me; I won't lose another one of my babies."

I just nod against her, trying not to cry. I don't know why I'm bothered so much by this, especially because she's fine. I guess it was just another reality check that bad stuff can happen to people you love, even if they are your parents. Eventually when it gets to be too much, as I suspected, I just let myself cry against her. Again.

"Shh, I'm okay, baby. Everything's okay," she rubs soft circles on my back, continuing to talk to me. "Your little sibling is still here, we're all still here. Shh…"

I feel like I'm five years old, crying to my mommy, but right now I don't care. I may want to be a doctor too when I grow up, but that doesn't mean I wanted to see this happen now…deal with this now. Eventually, Dad comes in and sits on the edge of Mom's bed behind me, placing a hand on my upper back to let me know he's there.

Wiping my tears again, I turn and look up at Dad as Mom kisses my temple. For the first time in a long time, I feel like we're a family again.

I'm still lying next to Mom, staring off into space as she lazily runs her fingers through my hair, when Dr. Harrison walks in, scans in hand and Izzie on her heels.

"Addison it appears as though you've got yourself a kidney stone."

Mom looks surprised. "A _kidney stone?_"

"Mhmm. Lucky for you though, it's not that big, so you should be able to pass it within the next few weeks. You're also lucky you got this now, instead of when your baby is seven months along and too big for you to be able to pass this thing. Of course, we could go in and remove it surgically, but…"

"…you wouldn't recommend that because of the baby," Mom finishes, already knowing the reason.

"Exactly."

"What could have caused this?" I cut in, making it obvious that I'm the only person in the room who's not a doctor.

"Dr. Stevens?" Dr. Harrison turns to Izzie. She looks awkward, reciting answers to people who probably already know. Go me.

"Most kidney stones are caused by a build-up of calcium in the urine, urinary tract infections, or most commonly, not drinking enough fluids."

"And when you're pregnant your body tends to handle calcium less effectively," Mom finishes again, looking at me.

"Have you been staying hydrated, Dr. Shepherd?" Izzie asks.

"I think I probably could have been better. It's just with the new job and…other things…I must have been stressing too much and not thinking about it."

"Well I think this was a pretty good reminder to drink at least eight glasses of water a day," Dr. Harrison tells her.

"You're telling me," Mom sighs again, rubbing her lower belly.

"And as your doctor I am also telling you to take the rest of the week off. No buts."

Mom opens her mouth to reply but Dad stops her.

"Ah, no buts. And Laurie could use the company," he squeezes my shoulder.

"Uh, yeah that's right I could," I tell her, catching on.

"Very smooth, honey," she rolls her eyes.

"So I'll give you some medication for the pain – it's perfectly safe – and I'll discharge you for today, but I'll need to see you in for another appointment next week," Dr. Harrison writes in her chart.

"Okay, okay, you win," Mom sighs. She's being strangely compliant; I've always heard that doctors make the worst patients.

"Making Mommy take time off from work already," Mom talks down to her belly. "You better be grateful for this, little one."

* * *

Mom's kidney stone passed just fine within the week of her attack; now all she gets is just the normal stuff that comes with being pregnant. Vomiting, and lots of it.

Over the next few weeks, she and Dad have me looking into new schools, which to be honest I'm more than happy to do because it's a distraction from having to watch my mother be sick. And I miss soccer like there's no tomorrow so it'll be good to get back out on the field again.

However, now it's very real, and I find myself missing my best friends more and more with each passing day, wondering what they could be doing back in New York. Hannah and I talk on the phone almost daily, and Bella and Megan message me constantly. All three of them say nothing feels the same with me gone; they're being overdramatic of course, but I appreciate it nonetheless.

There was one night last week where I was particularly unhappy about not being around my friends. That, along with Mom's morning sickness that's actually more like "all day" sickness, made for an interesting evening for Dad indeed. Needless to say the women of the house – I mean trailer – were kept inside while Dad went down to the creek to fish for two hours.

Oh yeah, and speaking of house, we're actually getting one, surprisingly enough. When Dad said he wanted to build, I didn't know he meant so soon. But I guess since he and Mom have another baby due in six and a half months and since summer is almost over, he wanted to jump on it. Just up the hill from the trailer lay a foundation for what's going to be way bigger than the brownstone ever was, and surrounded entirely by woods.

I'll admit, everything is moving very fast, and when I made the (impulsive) decision to come out to Seattle to be with my dad, I never in my wildest dreams thought that this is where would be two months later. Then again, Mom didn't either – she admitted that herself. But it is what it is, right? I'm happy that we can still be together as a family. I'm happy that I'm getting another sibling. I'm happy that my parents work at a great hospital. And I'm happy that I've finally found my new school.

Because for me, new school means new soccer team.

Even though I was raised Catholic, I can't say I've ever gone to a Catholic school before; not that there's anything wrong with them, but my parents are generally more progressive than that.

But when I discovered Holy Names Academy girls' soccer team had won state two years in a row, _and_ the school is only about a 15 minute walk from downtown and Seattle University (aka. Charlie), I was all over it. I remember the meeting my parents and I had with the principal and admissions counselor:

"_So you all just moved out here from New York then?" the principal, Mrs. Eldredge, asks my parents. Mom looks somewhat uncomfortable for a moment, until Dad answers for her. She was already uncomfortable enough this morning, fearing that for some reason her being pregnant would keep me from getting in; like it's some sort of crime for parents to space their kids out by over 16 years. Needless to say, even though she's not showing, she's still wearing a loose-fitting shirt. _

"_We've been out here a few months, but Laurie finished up the school year over there at Dalton."_

"_I must say Laurie, your records are very impressive. A couple of our faculty members actually graduated from Dalton Academy. And you have accomplishments in AP classes, National Honor Society, and soccer…"_

_I feel myself blush. I hate bragging._

"_I've gotten some B's here and there…" I say sheepishly._

"_Well it's not enough to concern me, I'll tell you that," Mrs. Eldredge says. "And since you'll be a junior you won't take your SATs until next spring, but we put all of our juniors in prep classes for the fall so no need to worry about that. I assume you'll want to play on the soccer team?"_

"_Oh yes definitely," I respond quickly, making Dad chuckle. "I want to play for Stanford one day."_

"_Oh Stanford? Why didn't you say so earlier? Holy Names is famous for sending students to Stanford; we have about three students get in per year. If that's what you're interested, we'll definitely make sure you're ready."_

_I try not to panic too prematurely; in retrospect, three is an incredibly small number. _

"_Oh wow," I force a smile. "That would be great."_

"_So, as far as I'm concerned, you're in. We'd love to have you here. So long as you're okay with going to an all-girls school, of course."_

_Dad places a hand on my shoulder. I chuckle to myself, of course _he'd _be okay with me going to an all-girls school._

"_Yes, that's fine with me."_

"_Great. Soccer try outs are in two weeks, just make sure you bring your physical forms into the office. Uniform and schedule pick-ups for new students is on Friday the 25__th__, and school starts the following Monday. Oh and don't forget to preference your classes online, and soon."_

"_Okay, thank you so much," I smile, standing up to shake her hand. Mom and Dad do the same._

"_We really appreciate you meeting with us, Mrs. Eldredge," Mom shakes her hand._

"_It was no trouble. I have a feeling your daughter will do well here at Holy Names."_

Now, standing in my cleats and soccer gear for the first time in two months, I can only hope Mrs. Eldredge was right.

Around me, girls walk out toward the field in groups; they're all already friends and I'm just the new girl. I wish with all of my might that Hannah could be here right now. If I were still in New York, she and I would just be starting another season together, and practices wouldn't make me feel like I was some sort of outsider.

"You worry too much, baby girl. You'll be fine!" Mom had cheered me on this morning, just as she had when I tried out for Dalton's varsity team my freshman year.

"Well, here goes nothing," I sigh, walking out to the middle of the field where the varsity coach, Jennifer, and JV coach, Abby, stand waiting for everyone to gather.

"Hi!" I perky voice comes from behind me, startling me. I turn my head to see a girl probably almost a foot shorter than me, and grinning widely. "Are you new here this year? I haven't seen you around."

"Oh, yeah," I smile shyly. "I'm Laurie. Just moved here from Manhattan a couple months ago."

"Seriously, New York City? That's so awesome; I've never been before but always wanted to go. I'm Jana Smith, junior."

"I'm a junior too," I tell her as we walk. "Kind of late to be transferring, but you know, parents' jobs and stuff."

"What do your parents do?"

"They're doctors over at Seattle Grace. Basically Dad got an offer and Mom and I followed," I shrug. Oh but Jana, if only you knew the whole story.

"Doctors? Dude that's rough, but science must be your thing! My mom's an accountant…math is kind of my thing," she laughs.

"Yeah you could say I like science. So how is it though, going to school here?"

"It's okay. The teachers are really cool. Classes are tough, but they make it fun, you know? What are you taking this term?"

"Umm, well I chose AP Calc, AP Lit, AP Bio, then French, regular Physics, and SAT prep. Oh and then free seventh period for…"

"Soccer," Jana finishes. "Same. And I'm taking Calc too! We'll totally sit together," she smiles.

I feel myself liking Jana more and more.

"Oh hey, these are my friends Maggie and Stephanie," Jana gestures to two girls walking up to us. "Guys this is Laurie, she's new here this year."

"Hi," I shake each of their hands. "So were you guys all on varsity together last year?"

"Yeah," Stephanie responds. "But Maggie and I just got on last year. Jana's been on since freshman year."

"I mean, I don't normally get too nervous with soccer but I don't know, should I be nervous for this?" I ask them tentatively.

"Oh no!" Maggie smiles. "I was super nervous last year, but Jen is awesome; you'll totally forget it's even try outs."

"I wouldn't be so sure about that," a deep, husky voice comes from behind us. "Hey small fry, have a good summer?" The deep, husky voice is from a tall, muscular, blonde girl who then sneers at Jana, and immediately I feel protective even though I've just met her. But I soon find out that Jana can fend for herself easily.

"Probably five times as good as yours since it seems like you spent the whole three months trying to pull that stick out of your ass," Jana snickers. "Let me tell you something though, it's still there."

"That's Katie Chandler," Maggie tells me. "Just ignore her; she's kind of a bitch to everyone. Except Jen of course, so naturally she's on the team."

"Great," I sigh. But I can handle mean girls.

"So you're new," Katie gives me a once over as we stand in the middle of the field, waiting for the coaches to get ready. It's more of a statement than a question.

"Yeah, and you've dyed your hair blonde one too many times," I look straight into her eyes. I'm really not a mean person, but I don't like the way she was just treating my, well could-be friends.

"I wouldn't go being rude just yet…what's your name again?"

"Laurie."

"Laurie. It's not like you'll even get on this team anyway."

"Hey now, who said anything about being rude? You said I was new here and I am. I said you dyed your hair blonde one too many times, and you have. Just stating facts."

Katie gives me a hard look. "Get ready to get your ass handed to you during try outs."

"I'm sorry, _Katie_, but why don't we just hop off this little immaturity train and leave it back at, I don't know, middle school? I just came here to play soccer, not to make enemies. But don't think I'm gonna put up with you talking to Jana like you just did."

"Ha, you just got here like two seconds ago. Who the hell do you think you are?"

"Someone who's put up with a lot of shit recently and realized it gets them nowhere. So don't think I'll be putting up with any from you."

Jana, Maggie, and Stephanie all stand with their mouths open. Apparently no one has ever spoken to Katie like this before. Ah well, there's a first time for everything.

"So…try outs anyone?" I smile and walk over to introduce myself to my future coach.

* * *

Three months later and it's November. Mom and I have officially been in Seattle for five months, and she's now, ironically, about five months pregnant and showing. We still don't know if it's a boy or girl, but as far as pregnant women go, Mom seems to be doing well. I know she used to worry about having another child after Rinny died, and I can't say I blame her, so I've been doing my best not to bring up my sister around her, just in case.

Soccer is going well; I made varsity along with Jana, Maggie, and Stephanie, who have now become my best friends at school, and out, as they come over frequently after practice and I constantly have to remind them not to make googly eyes at my dad (ew).

"What? You have a hot parents," Jana shrugged. Again, ew.

Katie made the team too, much to everyone's dismay, but let's just say when I scored four goals against her in try outs (she plays defense), she let up on her immaturity train a little bit. The State Championship tournament is now two weeks away, and is also the weekend before Thanksgiving. It's in Vancouver, and I'm actually pretty excited to go, since I've never seen that part of the state before.

Charlie and I are doing well, and as of September 17th, we're officially a couple. It feels good, and I'm really happy with him. He's nothing like Logan, and still hasn't pressured me into anything. The most we've done is kiss and sleep (fully clothed) in the same bed. I feel like I might be able to do…_something_…here pretty soon, but not yet. Now we're just enjoying each other's company, and scrimmaging of course. I frequent his games as he does mine. Oh, and my parents love him so that's a plus.

The house is just about finished, but it's taking a little longer than normal since it rains almost every other day and the builders have to cover it with tarp every evening when they quit. My parents and I are doing fine in the trailer, but I can tell that once the baby comes, we will _definitely_ need some more room.

As far as whether or not I want a brother or a sister, I try not to think about it too much since it's out of my control. I remember Mom telling me that I said I wanted a brother when I was younger, and for a while I was terrified at the thought of having another sister, because I was afraid she would somehow replace Rinny. I don't really feel like that anymore though; if I happen to get a baby sister, then so be it. I wouldn't love her any less than a brother, and I could only imagine the look on Rinny's face if she ever got a little sister to play with. I just hope Mom feels the same way.

After school today, I make my way over to Seattle Grace to meet up with my parents. It's the day of the appointment; you know, _the_ appointment where we get to find out the sex of the baby. I talked to Jen in advance and specifically asked to miss practice, so here I am.

"Hey Laurie," I run into Izzie and George on my way up to the OB wing where my parents are.

"Oh hey guys," I smile. "How's it going?"

"I'm on the last two hours of a 36 hour shift, the only place I'm thinking of going is to my own bed," George groans and I chuckle.

"Can't wait to be an intern…" I laugh. "You guys got any plans for Thanksgiving?"

"Oh don't remind me about that either," George mutters.

"Why?"

"Every year on Thanksgiving my dad and my older brothers go out into the woods to shoot a wild turkey. Every year they make me go. And _every_ year we can't leave until somebody shoots one."

"And I take it that's never you?"

"Nope, not ever. But I have a feeling it might have to be this year Izzie you have to save me."

Izzie laughs. "Well I'm not cooking an entire dinner for no one, so shooting wild birds is gonna have to wait."

"Bless you, Dr. Stevens."

"So Laurie, are you excited for the appointment today?"

"Eh I guess. It is what it is, I've come to accept. I don't really care what it is, so long as it's healthy."

"And you officially have a better mindset than most mothers who come through here," Izzie says.

"I should probably head upstairs, but I'll see you around," I smile and head up to the OB wing.

"There she is," Mom smiles at me, already in a gown and lying back on the table, and waiting for Dad and the doctor to come in.

"How are you feeling today?" I ask, giving her a hug as she kisses my temple.

"Physically, pretty okay. How was school?"

"Mom, don't change the subject. Right now is about you. But just for the record I found out I'm getting a solid B in Calc…"

"See, I told you you weren't failing," she takes hold of my hand. "I'm proud of you, sweetheart."

"Thanks," I smile as Dad and Dr. Harrison walk in.

"Hey Dad," I go to give him a hug as Dr. Harrison sets up the ultrasound.

"Hey Buddy, how was school?"

"She's getting a B in Calculus," Mom chimes in.

"And how many times did I have to tell you you weren't failing?" Dad rolls his eyes.

"Fine, you guys, I get it!" I throw up my hands in defeat.

"I always hated Calculus myself…" Dr. Harrison mutters.

"_Thank you_," I sigh, sitting down in a chair next to Mom.

I don't look up as Dr. Harrison squeezes the gel onto Mom's exposed stomach, I just prepare myself for the words "boy" or "girl." I know said I wasn't nervous before, but now I think I can actually feel my heart in my throat.

This baby, boy or girl, would change everything; our whole lives. And I would actually have a sibling who isn't Rinny. Mom and Dad seem to be in okay moods about this, but who knows when and if that will change. I've been so nervous about Mom with respect to Rinny, I just hope her okay mood doesn't backfire into something way more serious.

I'm still waiting for the words, "boy" or "girl," but they don't come. Instead I hear Mom whisper, "I know what it is."

Dad doesn't say anything; instead he just takes in a deep breath. Having no idea what's going on, I finally look up, curious. I was right – the okay mood could backfire into something worse, way worse. I barely hear Dr. Harrison in the background…

"…and she's got her thumb in her mouth already."

_She_.

All I see is Mom, in an expression of pure grief, tears streaming down her face.

I'm going to have a sister.

* * *

**So, any thoughts on Addison's reaction to the baby? Thanks for reading! Reviews would be lovely :)**


	31. Chapter 31

**A/N: Hey all, so here is chapter 31 for you. Again I apologize for the lack of updates - finals are in two weeks (!) and blah blah blah I'm sure you all know how it goes. But again I really appreciate you all sticking with me and reading and reviewing and just being awesome readers/fellow writers :) Hope you enjoy this chapter!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything.**

* * *

**Chapter 31**

**Derek's POV**

After Rinny died, I thought my heart had broken so badly that I would never in my life feel any pain worse than losing her. Every time my beautiful little girl crossed my mind, every time I saw her picture somewhere in the house, every time I walked into hers and Laurie's bedroom, I would feel overwhelmed with grief; grief that I could never hold her, kiss her, or laugh with her again.

In April of 1996, Addison and I had actively been trying for another baby; we wanted a third child, that much had been clear, and Laurie desperately wanted a little brother. It was always:

"Mommy, when is my little brother going to get here? Is he in your tummy yet?"

Or:

"Daddy, do you think when my little brother gets here we can take him to play soccer with us?"

Rinny would roll her eyes every time she heard her sister gush about her yet-to-be-conceived brother. Just as I suspected, my pink-loving dancing girl didn't want anything to do with a "smelly little brother" no matter how much I teased her about it.

Regardless, I can't think of anything that made me happier than my family; my wife, my two daughters, and the prospect of another baby. Everything was perfect until that day in April, when it all came crashing down.

Addison and I quit trying for Laurie's little brother, hell I even quit going home for weeks because I couldn't bear to be in the house where my little girl lived and breathed and grew up. I knew my family needed me, but I just couldn't be there; I _had_ to distract myself with work before I went completely crazy, like I knew I would. It took Addison taking Laurie away for the weekend to our house in the Hamptons for me to realize that the girls I have left needed me to be there for them, and I had to be there, no matter how I felt. I couldn't be selfish with my grief; I had to remember that they were grieving too.

Even though Addie and I still had several good years of marriage after Rinny died, neither of us ever really discussed having another baby. It was out of the question. Laurie didn't want another sibling who wasn't Rinny, and Addison didn't want to carry a baby who wasn't Rinny. Simple as that.

And then once my wife cheated with Mark…well, I didn't think I ever wanted to _see_ her again let alone have another baby with her. But if there's one thing I've learned in this lifetime, it's that the universe has a way of making things happen that you'd least expect – good and bad.

"I know what it is," Addison whispers, lying on the table, stomach exposed and staring at the ultrasound. Before she even says anything out loud, I do too, and suddenly it's like I can't breathe.

The doctor's speaking, but I'm barely listening.

"…and she's got her thumb in her mouth already."

She.

It's a girl, and she's in the exact same position as Rinny was when Addison and I saw her for the first time. Head near the pelvis, thumb in mouth; for the longest time we swore she would be _born_ thumb in mouth.

I look over at Addison, her face in an expression of pure grief. Before she can realize what's happening, Dr. Harrison prints out a picture and heads toward the door, "giving us a minute." For a moment I even forget Laurie's in the room with us; my attention is focused entirely on my wife.

"Get rid of it," Addison whispers.

"Mom," Laurie looks surprised, probably thinking the worst. But I know what Addison means.

"Get rid of it," Addison raises her voice, sitting up and turning her head away from the picture of our daughter.

I don't say anything; I don't even know if there's anything I _could_ say to make this better. Instead I just pick up the picture, looking down at it. The baby is small and, just as I suspected, in the exact position as her big sister Katherine.

"Derek! I said get rid of it!" I look up, startled.

"Addison, are you - ?" I start, just in case.

"Dammit Derek get rid of it! Get rid of it!"

"Mom, please, calm – "

"Don't you dare tell me to calm down, Laurie," Addison stands up, straightening her shirt. "You wouldn't understand."

And with that, Addison storms out of the room, putting on her usual front when she's in pain. I look over at Laurie, who looks like she's about to cry.

"What…what happened?" She asks me.

I sigh. "Your sisters happened."

"Is, is Mom okay?"

"I…I don't know."

"Are _you_ okay?" Laurie comes to sit next to me.

I look down at the ultrasound photo in my hands as Laurie wraps an arm around my shoulders.

"It's just, when we found out you and Rinny were both girls, Rinny was in the same position as your sister here. Head low, thumb in her mouth. You on the other hand were camped out in your mom's ribcage, but no, Rin stayed like that almost the whole time. Your mom would tell me sometimes she would turn over, but this…" I stare at the photo. "This is exactly the same."

I hand Laurie the photo as soon as I feel my hands start to shake.

"I can't imagine what Mom must be feeling. I was worried about her, for a while, but then she seemed so, I don't know, _okay_ with having another baby and she told me she didn't regret it. It got to the point where I stopped being afraid of something like this happening, but I guess I stopped too soon."

I pull my daughter in close and kiss her temple.

"I should go find her and talk to her," Laurie says.

"No, honey, I think…I need to be the one to do that. When your sister died I didn't know how else to handle it than bury myself with work; if your mom needs help now, I'm going to be there. I have to be there."

"Okay," Laurie whispers, nodding. "You've been so good and helpful with her and this baby though, Dad. If you need anything…"

"I know. I love you, honey," I kiss her head again.

"Love you too, Dad." She hugs me tighter before standing up again.

"I have another surgery scheduled at five but I shouldn't be home too late. You can take my car home; Mom and I came to work separately."

"Thanks," Laurie gives a small smile. "Maybe this AP Lit essay I have to write tonight will distract me from worrying about Mom too much."

"It'll be okay, honey. Just give her some time," I sigh, trying to convince myself just as much as my daughter. At this point, I would give anything to be right.

* * *

Twenty minutes later Laurie's gone home and I still can't find Addison.

"Dr. Shepherd can I help you with something?" Miranda Bailey spots me from a nearby nurses' station as I'm poking my head into an empty on-call room.

"Have you seen Addison?" I ask her.

"Not since I had a case with her this morning. Why?"

"Oh, we just had another ultrasound appointment…we found out the sex of the baby, and Addison, well she's…"

"I take it it didn't go over too well?" Miranda gives me a sympathetic look. I don't normally get to see Bailey's soft side, but when it comes to the women in my life, well let's just say Miranda tends to show sympathy for them more often than not.

"No it didn't," I sigh, running a hand through my hair.

"You didn't say anything stupid did you?" Miranda gives me a look, placing a hand on her hip.

"What? No!"

"I'm just saying…men. They think they're helping when actually they're…"

"Okay I get it," I cut her off before she can finish.

"Is she okay…?" Miranda asks slowly. Being as intense as she is, Dr. Bailey makes it known that she doesn't come to work to make friends; yet for some reason as soon as she learned of my…situation, losing Rinny, then Addison, and then with Laurie running away, she and my wife have developed somewhat of a relationship.

"I…don't know," I admit. "Addison didn't want to see the baby. She took one look at the ultrasound, said she knew what it was, and then didn't want to see her anymore."

"Her? It's a girl?"

"Yeah," I give a small smile. "Another girl."

"Well congratulations," Miranda places a hand on my arm. "My son was gonna need someone to play with sooner or later."

Whoa, wait. Son?

"You're pregnant?" I look at Miranda, shocked.

"Just found out we're havin' a boy two weeks ago. Due date's a month before your wife's."

"Congratulations Dr. Bailey that's…that's great news," I smile.

"You just let me know if Addison needs anything, you hear? We haven't known each other long, but if she needs someone to talk to about, anything…"

"Will do. Thanks, Miranda."

"Don't mention it. Now if you'll excuse me I have some interns to torture." Miranda grabs a patient file and heads down the hall.

Letting out another sigh, I head the opposite direction.

"Oh, Addison where are you?"

* * *

"Addison?" I stick my head in another dark on-call room. "You in here?"

The room is empty. Great. After almost a half hour of searching, it feels like I have literally turned this hospital upside down. There's only one place I haven't checked; the gallery.

Sure enough, as soon as I enter the room, I spot my wife sitting in the corner, staring straight into the open body cavity being operated on by the Chief. Unblinking, she looks almost as if she were in a trance.

"Addison?" I say quietly, coming to sit next to her.

"Go away, Derek," she mutters, still not looking away from the surgery.

"Addison," I repeat. "We need to talk."

"Oh, do we? About what?" She asks innocently.

"I think you know what. I wanted…I wanted to make sure you were alright, after, well after what just happened."

"After _what_ happened, exactly? I go in for an ultrasound only to find my baby lying in the…in the same position as…and it's another girl? No, I don't want to _talk_ about it, Derek, I want to deal with it. Alone. So just leave me alone. Please."

After a moment Addison turns to look at me.

"And…and since when do you care about checking up on me?" She whispers, eyes glossing over with tears.

Suddenly, I feel as though I've been hit with a ton of bricks. Since Addison came to Seattle and we decided to try and make things work, I've in turn been trying to be less…absent from her and Laurie's lives than I was in New York. Yes, I would like to one day be Chief of Surgery at Seattle Grace Hospital, but the reality of it is that that day is not today, and really, who the hell knows if it'll be any day, what with Preston Burke hanging around and all.

"Yeah, I figured you wouldn't have any response to that," Addison gives me a look before standing up. "I wish I wasn't even having another baby…"

Addison's voice trails off as she walks away, before I can so much as stop her. My first instinct is to go after her, but that stubborn gene, there's no getting around it, especially now.

No, Addie will talk when she's ready. Right?

And she wouldn't resent our new baby. Right?

**Eleven years ago**

"Daddy?"

"Hey, sweetheart, what are you doing up?"

Rinny yawns, rubbing her eyes with her little fists before crawling up onto the couch next to me. It's almost midnight as I sit up with a patient file in preparation for a surgery tomorrow. Addison has been in bed for three hours, exhausted from a seven hour surgery she performed today.

"You okay, kiddo?" I ask as she snuggles up against me.

"Yeah, I'm okay," she nods. "But…"

"What is it, Rin?"

"Do you and Mommy wish I was a boy?" She asks quietly.

"What?" I look up from my file, surprised. "Why would you think that?"

"I dunno…you and Mommy keep talking about having another baby, and Laurie wishes she had a brother. And every daddy wants a son."

Moving the papers to the floor, I wrap my arms around Rinny and pull her into my lap.

"Sweetheart, your Mommy and I may want another baby, and sure I think it would be great to have a son to go to baseball games with, or do guy stuff with, but you being a girl would never make me love you any less. You got it?"

Rinny nods. "I would go to a baseball game with you, Daddy."

"Rinny, you hate baseball," I chuckle.

"But you don't," she whispers.

"Honey, are you scared if Mommy and I have another baby and it's a boy, that we won't love you as much?"

Rinny burrows her head into my chest.

"And Laurie wouldn't want to play with me anymore."

"Rin, I'm gonna tell you something and I need to listen really good, okay?" I kiss her head.

"I'm listening," she mumbles.

"I love you, and your sister, and your mommy more than anything in the world. I love everything about you; how much you love to dance, how you set up all your little stuffed animals and dolls and host tea parties with your sister, and the sound of your laugh when you wake me up way too early on Saturday mornings…" I tickle her sides and she giggles.

"And even if Mommy has another baby, that doesn't change the fact that _you_ are our daughter now; you're my little girl now. I'm sure I'll love another baby very much, but I'll always love you longer, sweetheart."

"I'll always love you longer too, Daddy," Rinny looks up at me before wrapping her arms around my neck in a hug. I pat her back lightly as we sit there in an embrace.

"And…" Rinny starts.

"I'm happy you're my daddy."

I kiss her temple, holding her tighter against me.

"I'm glad you're mine too, baby."

The two of us remain cuddled together on the couch until Rinny falls asleep, and even then I don't take her back to bed. From this moment on I tell myself that I will never let any of my girls question how much I love them ever again, and I think about this perfect little kid in my arms – this perfect little kid who I could never live without.

**Eighteen months later**

It's been 10 months since Addison and I lost our beautiful baby girl. We've gotten through the first Christmas, the first birthday; a lot of firsts since Rinny's death, and still, as we lie here in bed listening to the February rain fall, the both of us know that nothing will ever feel the same again.

We will never get used to Sundays without tea parties.

We will never get used to only seeing one bed in the twins' room.

We will never get used to seeing Laurie as an only child.

"Derek?" Addison whispers, staring up at the ceiling.

"Yeah?" I whisper.

"I have to tell you something."

"What is it?"

"I know it's been…almost a year, but I…Derek, I never want to have another baby."

I turn my head to look at her before reaching down and taking her hand.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, I'm sure. I just, I can't have another baby that's not her. I never want to have another baby." Addison takes a deep breath.

"Okay," I manage.

And it's all I can manage for a long time.

* * *

The following Friday evening, I pull in in front of the trailer, exhausted and wanting nothing more than to check on the progress of the house and then fall into bed. Addison and Laurie should have been home for a couple of hours now; however, when I walk in the front door, I find my wife alone instead.

"Hey," I greet her as I take my jacket off. She sits at the dining room table nursing a cup of tea. "Where's Laurie?"

"With Jana," Addison responds nonchalantly.

"Overnight or…?" I ask slowly, trying to get more of an answer.

"Yeah, overnight," Addison rubs her temples. "She asked me today if she could stay over there, I told her to be back by noon tomorrow."

"Okay, well thanks for letting me know," I nod, but for some reason this sets Addison off.

"What exactly is it you want from me, Derek?" She spits, turning to face me.

"I'm sorry?"

"You run away from your home in New York, your daughter, your family, and then when we finally figure out where you are and Laurie goes through hell and back, you expect us to _what_, pick up everything and change our entire lives?!"

"Whoa, Addison, what are you even talking about? You _agreed_ with me when I suggested giving us another shot, you _agreed_ to move here – "

"I NEVER AGREED TO THIS!" She stands up quickly, gesturing to the small bump of her belly. I feel my mouth open in shock, not expecting this outburst, but before I can so much as speak she holds a hand up.

"I didn't agree to moving here and HAVING ANOTHER BABY that's exactly the same as…no, I did _not_ agree to this!" Tears are streaming down her cheeks.

"Addison," I breathe, knowing the worst thing to do right now would be to tell her to calm down. "Please, let's just…"

"No Derek! I don't want to _talk about this_! I want my daughter back!" I know she's talking about Rinny.

Suddenly, Addison grabs her jacket and throws open the door, walking out into the drizzly evening.

"Wait!" I call after her, squinting from the rain. "Where are you going?"

She continues to walk at a fast pace, past our cars and out into the meadow.

"I don't know! Why don't you just go back to work and not give a damn? It worked just fine for you before!"

Okay, now I know there's something seriously wrong. This is not my Addison talking. This is not the mother of my child, and this is not the Addison who agreed to make things work here in Seattle. This is someone else, someone who's grieving.

"Addison, I'm not going to leave you alone in this," I pant, walking quickly to keep up with her.

"Why not? You did it before."

"Yes…I, I know I did it before but I'm not going to do it again! I'm here for you, whatever you need."

"Oh really? Whatever I need? Well what if I told you I don't want this…_thing_ inside me? I don't want it! I WANT RINNY! I want my Katherine!"

Addison falls to the ground in a heap, sobbing. Silently, I sit down next to her, wrapping my arms around her; she fights at first, then falls into me limply. It begins to rain harder, the water running down both of our faces, mixing together with Addison's fresh tears.

"I can't do this," she sobs.

"Yes you can," I respond, barely a whisper.

"No. No…I can't. I don't want this baby, Derek."

Addison, what are you saying?

"I want my baby _back_."

* * *

**Thanks so much for reading :) Reviews are always welcome.**


	32. Chapter 32

**A/N: Alrighty so I'm getting to the point in this fic where I have a clear ending set and what not, however, I am currently experiencing some writers block in getting there. And I am under a little bit of stress in life in general. So I apologize for the slow updates. But I still thank you all SO MUCH for your continued support and reviews and love :) Here is chapter 32 for you. Hope you like :)**

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything.**

* * *

**Chapter 32**

**Lauren's POV**

"I don't even know who she is anymore," I sigh, leaning back in the desk chair in Charlie's dorm room. "It's like one minute she was so excited about having another baby and _I_ was the one freaking out, but now it's the complete opposite. She's so sad and I just, I don't know what to do anymore. I want to help but Dad and I are at a loss."

"Man, that's rough," Charlie sits down on the bed. "I've never known anyone not to get excited about having another baby…then again I've never known anyone who's been through what your mom's been through, so…"

"It's kinda nuts, not gonna lie," I admit, picking up my phone to read a text from Jana.

"Dude you're always on that thing now," Charlie jokes. "Ever heard of a normal conversation, you know, between two people, face to face," he smiles, leaning forward and pulling me next to him on the bed.

"Sorry dude," I retort, rolling my eyes. "Be thankful I actually made some friends around here _to_ text with."

"Touché," he mutters.

"And besides, I don't really think talking about my mom and her depression is gonna help anymore…I need to actually _do_ something, I just don't know what."

"Tell you what," Charlie pulls me into his arms. "We should just stop talking about it then. It's your _birthday_ tomorrow! We should do something fun!"

"Like what, Einstein?" I snort. "I'm six – well, seventeen in four hours and you're not even 21. And hey, your finals are over, why are you even still here?" I nudge him playfully.

Truthfully, I've been dreading the day when Charlie goes back to Chicago for his four week winter break. We haven't gone over three days without seeing each other since he brought me here, and especially since we became a couple. And what with Mom the way she is, I don't think me going to Chicago to visit him would be a very good idea, for her sanity's sake.

"Oh don't even. I know birthdays aren't really your thing, but did you really think I was gonna leave and not see my girl turn 17?" He kisses me softly.

"Hmm well maybe if you're lucky Mr. Miller you'll get to see more than just my 17th…" I smile into the kiss.

"You know, if you need to talk – about anything – I'm here for you, Laur," Charlie places a hand on my cheek.

"I know," I lean into his hand. "Honestly, some birthdays are harder than others. And even though it's been over ten years now it still feels weird, getting older without her. That's why I've never really been super into them…December ninth just makes me think of a day that should be spent celebrating with someone, and yet it's always just me. Does that make sense?" I look at him apprehensively.

"It does," he nods. "As much as I want to strangle my sisters half the time, I can't imagine what it would be like not having them around anymore. So anything you need tomorrow, or tonight, anything at all…I'm here for you, babe."

"Thanks," I sigh, leaning in to kiss him again. "I think…I think there might actually be one thing that I haven't really been ready for, but I'm ready for now. If, if it's okay with you that is."

Charlie kisses my forehead.

"Are you sure, Laurie? Because I'm not going to make you do anything you're not one hundred percent comfortable with. I'm willing to wait as long – "

But I interrupt him with another kiss.

"I know what happened to me last summer was really bad, and I'm not going to lie and say I don't still think about it, or that I don't still have nightmares about it on occasion, but I have to keep living my life, you know? I can't let it control me forever, or control my ability to trust people. This guy is miles away God knows where. He's not going to hurt me again and…and I know that now."

"But your ex…"

"Yeah okay, Logan was bad too. But that was my _first_ time…you know my mom used to go on and on about how your first time should be special and meaningful, but she also said her first time was kind of on the bad side too. And yeah it ended with an abortion but I like to think that sleeping with Logan doesn't count. I wasn't ready then, but I'm ready now."

The both of us lean back until we're lying face to face on his bed.

"Now," I smirk, leaning toward him. "If you ask me one more time if I'm sure I'm going to get up and walk out of here."

"And we couldn't have that, now could we?" He smiles, slowly rolling on top of me and pressing his lips into mine.

What happens next only seems natural. There are no second thoughts, no conscience screaming at me to stop, and no desire to rush anything. I feel myself melting into Charlie as he pulls off his shirt and then mine, the feeling of his bare skin against mine only leaving me wanting more.

"You are so beautiful," Charlie stares down at me after unclasping my bra.

"Aw, I bet you say that to all the girls," I joke, running my fingers through his brown waves. At this point I'm even surprising myself. I'm half naked in front of this boy, and yet I feel completely at ease. So comfortable, so…_in love_.

"I could never…" he trails off, leaving feather-light kisses on my chest.

I start taking in deep breaths as his lips leave a trail over my body.

"You okay?" He looks up at me with concern.

"Uh-huh," I breathe, smiling down at him. "Come here."

I pull him up to kiss him again, letting his tongue gently slip into my mouth, ingraining the taste of him in my brain. I don't want to rush it, but at the same time, I know I love him so much. We're both so young, but I _love_ him. I think I've loved him from the very beginning; and I know he loves me too.

Charlie shivers above me slightly as my hands slide down his sides, reaching for his belt buckle.

"Maybe we should take this under the covers," I whisper.

"Good idea," he mutters, undoing the bed sheets before slipping me underneath.

"You have a condom, right?" I ask, biting my lower lip.

"Of course," he nods, reaching in a desk drawer. "Anything you need, babe."

"Thanks," I start to kiss at his neck all the way down to his shoulder. Eventually, the both of us lie completely naked, and yet all Charlie can do is stare down at me once more. I can see the lust and desire in his beautiful eyes and feel how aroused he is, and yet I can't help but ask him if anything's wrong.

"I love you, Laurie," is his response. "I want tonight to be all about you. I don't want to hurt you and I…"

I wrap my legs around his hips and cup his cheek with my hand.

"You could never hurt me," I smile. "And I love you too."

I take in a deep breath and let my head tilt back as he enters me. I expect the short burst of pain, but this time it's a good sort of pain, one that only lessens as our love for one another increases.

* * *

The next morning I wake up nestled comfortably in Charlie's arms. I sigh contentedly, remembering the events of last night and smiling to myself.

It's now officially December 9th. I am 17 years old.

Wait. It's December 9th. Morning. The next day. I had told my parents I would be home by 11 last night.

"Shit!" I sit up quickly, startling Charlie.

"What is it?" He groans, still half asleep.

"It's nine o'clock!"

He gives me a blank stare.

"A.M. In the morning," I stand up, immediately searching for my clothes. "My parents are gonna kill me. Assuming my mom hasn't already arranged my funeral."

Once dressed, I check my phone. Almost ten missed calls from my parents.

"Dammit," Charlie starts searching for his clothes.

"Yeah," I breathe. "We must have fallen asleep right after…I have like ten missed calls. Shit shit shit."

"Needless to say I won't be looking your dad in the eye for the next five years…" Charlie mutters.

"Right now let's just worry about getting me home," I place my hands on my hips. "So my parents can kill me."

Charlie reaches for his car keys on the desk.

"I'm on it."

* * *

Thirty minutes later and I can feel my heartbeat in my throat.

"I think it might be best if you just drop me here and I walk the rest of the way. Leave the explaining to me," I grab Charlie's hand.

"You sure? Wouldn't want to leave you alone while you're being fed to the sharks," he smirks.

"They're gonna be mad, and yeah Mom's going through some stuff right now, but we've always been close. It'll be fine." I smile at him despite my uncertainty.

"Okay," he looks apprehensive. "Call me later, okay?"

"Um, if you think this is our final goodbye before you leave for Chicago on Tuesday you're insane," I lean over and kiss him. "I love you."

"I love you too," he runs a hand through my hair.

"I gotta go," I give him one last peck on the mouth and step out of the car, taking a deep breath before heading up the walkway toward our newly-finished house.

It's a Saturday morning; of course my parents are both going to be home. I just need to figure out how to get upstairs to my room as quietly as possible, and figure out what I'm going to tell them as an excuse for why I didn't come back last night.

If this were any other time, I know Mom would want me to tell her about what happened between Charlie and me; growing up, I lost count of the number of times she told me I could always come to her about anything regarding sex…but that doesn't mean I know how she's going to react to me actually doing it – consensually – for the first time.

I'm not going to lie and say that it didn't hurt at all, or that I'm not walking a little funny this morning, but let's just hope the latter goes unnoticed by the parental units.

Pulling out my key from my bag, I turn the lock as slowly as possible before opening the door and slipping inside. Looking around, I notice the downstairs is empty. Thank God.

I let out a long sigh, shrugging off my jacket and hanging it on the coat rack. I just about make it to the bottom of the stairs when all of the sudden I hear…

"And just where in the _hell_ have you been?!"

* * *

**Addison's POV**

**One month ago**

"I can't do this," I sob, falling into a heap onto the wet grass. Derek wraps his arms around me, and it takes a moment for me to stop fighting him.

I can't move; I can't breathe. The only thing running through my mind is my ultrasound appointment a few days ago – despite everything I believed, and everything I had told myself since I found out I was pregnant, Derek and I are having another daughter. Sure, I told Laurie I'd be happy with another girl, but really, who was I kidding? I wanted a boy; a boy wouldn't make me feel like I am reliving the pregnancy I had back in 1989. A boy wouldn't be sitting in the same position, with his thumb in his mouth. A boy wouldn't make me feel like I was carrying Rinny's replacement.

"Yes you can," Derek responds, barely a whisper.

"No. No…I can't. I don't want this baby, Derek."

I feel his arms tense around me.

"I want my baby _back_. I want Rinny! I WANT RINNY!" At this point I'm near screaming through the pouring rain, saying my daughter's name over and over again until no more sound can come out.

* * *

It's been a month and even getting out of bed has become a chore. I am on autopilot; I get up, I go to work, I save someone else's baby, and then sob over how no one could save mine. I try not to scream every time the little girl inside of me kicks. I try not to imagine my husband wishing he could go back to his little intern after seeing how his wife has gone insane. I try to hide the redness in my eyes every time Laurie looks at me.

There's just a lot of trying, and nothing feels right anymore. I'm stuck in a dark place, and can't seem to find my way out.

And it doesn't help that tomorrow is December 9th, _their_ birthday.

"Hey Mom?" A soft voice catches my attention away from the dark clouds outside the kitchen window.

I sniff, rubbing my eyes quickly. "What is it, Laurie?"

"Is it alright if I go see Charlie for a little while tonight? He's leaving for Chicago on Tuesday and I want to spend some time with him before he goes."

As much as I like this kid, and as beyond grateful as I am to him for saving my daughter's life, I have to admit I've been a little weary about the two of them spending so much time together as of late. Especially given what happened to Laurie in North Dakota, and with Logan; I'd like to think she's being careful this time around, and I just hope she knows that even with me feeling…the way I am, that she can always come to me about anything.

"What are you going to do?" I turn to face her, but can't bring myself to look her in the eye.

"I don't know; he's still at school, we'll probably just go for a walk downtown or something."

For some reason, I don't believe her. Not one bit. And that scares me; I've never second-guessed my daughter before.

"Laurie," I raise an eyebrow.

"What?" She counters. "What do you think we're gonna do?"

"I…never mind," I sigh, massaging my temples.

"We're not…doing anything, if that's what you're thinking," she takes a step toward me, but before I can even think I take a step back. All I've been thinking about lately is Rinny, and I'm afraid that if I let Laurie in – even just by letting her give me a hug – I will break completely.

"Just um, be home by 11," I tell her, looking down at the floor.

"Are you okay?" Laurie asks me, sounding concerned.

"I'm fine," I answer a little too quickly.

"Okay well I'll be home by 11," Laurie turns and leaves the room without so much as a goodbye. I know that despite my greatest efforts, she knows I'm not okay. I think she's just gotten to the point where she doesn't want to pry anymore, and while a part of me is grateful for that, the other part wishes she would push and push until I fall into her arms, relaxing in the comfort of my only child.

* * *

"Addison. Addison!"

Derek startles me awake, having just gotten home from work and catching me asleep on the couch.

"What?" I snap.

"Where is Laurie?"

My mind goes foggy, trying to remember what I told my daughter to do earlier this evening.

"What?"

"It's almost 1am. Where. Is. Laurie?" Derek asks again, this time more forcefully.

Suddenly, I remember myself telling her to be home by 11. I sit up a little too quickly and have to close my eyes from the head rush.

"She went out with Charlie. I…I told her to be home by 11." I start to panic, this feeling all too familiar. "Oh God…"

Standing right in front of me, Derek immediately takes out his cell phone. "Don't panic yet, I'll call her."

"Oh yeah, because that worked out so well the last time she didn't come home to me!" I snap, feeling the tears prickle. As if that wasn't enough, the baby gives me a little nudge near my bladder. Perfect.

Derek walks into the kitchen, phone pressed against his ear. In the distance I hear him leaving her a message. No, please no.

"Not again. This can't be happening again," I whisper, burying my face in my hands. "Not again."

* * *

**Present day  
**

"And just where in the _hell_ have you been?!" I startle Laurie just as she's about to head up the stairs. It's nine thirty the next morning; my daughter stayed out all night. Literally, I feel as though I haven't been able to breathe since the moment she missed curfew and then neglected to answer her phone.

She scared me to death. Again.

"I…" Laurie just gapes at me.

"Well?!"

Suddenly, Derek walks up beside me.

"_Where_ in God's name have you been young lady?!"

"I…we went for a walk and then we fell asleep!" Laurie answers quickly. But I can tell by the look on her face as well as the pink of her cheeks that she's not telling the whole story.

"Derek give us a minute," I stare straight at my daughter, who looks increasingly more uncomfortable.

"Not until I find out what the hell she – "

"Derek!" I stop him. "A minute. Please." But it's not a request so much as a demand.

"Fine. But don't think you're off the hook here, young lady," he says to Laurie before clearing out.

"You did it, didn't you?" I whisper to her as she sits down on the stairs.

"What do you mean?"

"Laurie you know exactly what I mean."

"I…I love him, Mom," she looks down at her hands.

I feel like I was just hit by a ton of bricks as all the air suddenly leaves my body. Laurie didn't say anything, and yet she just said it all.

I find it ironic, me standing here carrying one daughter inside me while the other grows further away.

Laurie takes a deep breath. "Yeah. We did it."

Before I can stop them I feel my eyes start to prickle, but I don't dare let the tears fall.

"So, you just thought, after everything that's happened you should just spread your legs for the next cute boy who walks into your life?" I ask, failing to hold back any anger.

"Are you _seriously_ comparing Charlie to Logan here?!" Laurie stands up, no longer looking ashamed. "This was consensual. He saved my life!"

"Which wouldn't have needed saving if you hadn't of run away in the first place!" I shoot back.

"You know, you really should have spared me the whole 'Supportive Mom' act you pulled when I was growing up, because the fact that you're standing here getting all angry with me about this _again_ makes you just about the biggest hypocrite I know," Laurie turns away from me, starting up the stairs.

Suddenly, I'm wondering just how much of this Derek is hearing. "Lauren Maureen don't you dare walk away from me!" I shout after her.

"And what are you gonna do, huh? Stop me? But that would require you do something other than work and cry over Rinny and I'm not sure you can handle that anymore."

I start up the stairs just as Laurie reaches her room and slams the door.

"We are _not_ done with this conversation, Laurie," I open her door without knocking.

"Fine," she sits on her bed, leaning against the wall. "What else would you like to talk about, Mother? Rin? Because I have a thing or two I could say about her. Or, oh wait Charlie, and how he and I just slept together for the first time last night?

This is _not_ something I took lightly. At all. In fact, I did a lot of thinking about this ever since Charlie and I got together, and he never pushed me on it, not ever. He always said he would wait for as long as I wanted and that he never wanted to hurt me or make me do something I wasn't ready to do. Last night was _my_ decision and I don't regret it."

I open my mouth to speak but no words come out. My whole body starts to shake as the baby squirms again. I want to yell at Laurie for speaking to me in that tone, but really I know she's right. I _have_ been the "Supportive Mom" to her for her whole life, well, except for that time a few months ago; I _can't_ yell at her about this. But I can't be calm about this either.

My chest begins to feel tight as Laurie still waits for me to respond.

"Derek!" I shout, startling her.

"What happened? What's going on?" Derek arrives in the doorway.

"I…" I clear my throat. "I need you to make sure our daughter is using protection."

Laurie's jaw drops and I immediately have to turn my head away from the look she gives me. I don't even make out Derek's words as his raised voice echoes through the house; I just walk away, shutting myself in my bedroom before allowing the tears to fall.

I did not handle this right. I did not handle this at all. But right now I can't handle anything. I feel like a sinking ship in the middle of the ocean; falling down with no one there to catch me.

Falling into my bed, I curl up on my side as the sobs come out.

_Remember to breathe. If you're not getting oxygen the baby's not getting oxygen_.

_Breathe._

_Breathe._

"YOU ARE FAR TOO YOUNG TO BE _HAVING SEX_ LAUREN!"

Derek's yelling at our daughter from down the hall, which only makes me cry harder. She shouldn't be getting yelled at, she should be getting support.

"I'M NOT A CHILD, DAD!"

That's what she said to me a few months ago. But Laurie, you _are_ still a child. You're my child; _our_ child. And you almost died. And you had an abortion. And you ran away. And you were raped. And you got in a car accident. And you had brain surgery. Your father gets to be mad about this.

_Baby girl, stop moving. Feeling you inside me is killing me._

_Rinny, come back. Knowing you are dead is killing me._

Breathing heavily, I rush into the bathroom, turning the shower nozzle on hot and pulling off my clothes. Quickly I fall into the corner of the stall, covering my face with one hand and touching my stomach with the other.

I don't want to think about my baby girl growing up and having sex. I don't want to hear what's going on outside of these walls anymore. I don't want to exist outside of these walls anymore.

The hot water leaves angry welts on my skin, but I don't feel the burns. Instead, I realize something about Laurie. The most important girl in my life.

She's 17 now, and I didn't even wish her a happy birthday.

* * *

**Reviews would be lovely :) Thank you so much for reading!**


	33. Chapter 33

**A/N: Hello jolly readers :) I hope you all are having a lovely summer, and here is chapter 33 for you. Hope you like! Thanks again for reading!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything.**

* * *

**Chapter 33**

**Lauren's POV**

"I can't think about that just yet, Laurie," Mom sighs, sitting at her office desk, head in her hands.

"Mom, Christmas is a week away. We're not even going back to see Grandma? Aunt Nancy? Anybody…?"

I know she's been depressed lately, but this truly surprises me; my mother has always been close with all of the Shepherd women.

"Laurie I said I can't think about it yet. I have too much going on here and…and I doubt your grandmother wants to spend Christmas with the woman who cheated on her son." Mom slaps her palm over her mouth immediately after saying that, like she thinks I'm too young and innocent to hear such things. "I shouldn't have said that," she mutters.

"You know what? It doesn't matter. We haven't been back to New York in months and I just thought with the holiday and…it doesn't matter." I hold up my hands in defeat. I was going to bring up the fact that my 17th birthday went virtually unnoticed by her, but then again it seems like every birthday I've had with the number seven in it goes virtually unnoticed by her, like it's some sort of curse.

"What, Laurie?" Mom groans. "What is it? Just say it."

I can sense another fight coming on and I feel the tension in my back increase. I'm so tired of this, to the point where I wish my mother would just seek professional help already.

I take a deep breath. "I just thought going away for the holiday might help you to deal with your depression in a more constructive manner. Maybe seeing family instead of lying around the house would help-"

"Wait, wait a minute. You think I'm _depressed_?!" Mom interrupts.

"Well you most certainly have not been yourself over the past month and I really don't know what else to call it, Mom," I say, folding my arms across my chest. "Nothing I say to you seems to help and lately it seems like all I can do is upset you."

"And who exactly is that, Laurie; 'myself?' What do you want from me here? I am dealing with this the best I can. When your sister died, I-"

"I know Mom you said you never wanted to have another baby because no one could ever replace Rinny! But no one's _trying_ to replace her! That's not Rin in there!" I shout, pointing to her belly.

Mom looks up at me, finally meeting my gaze. "Get out."

I feel like I just got slapped by the harshness of her words. "What?" I whisper.

"I said get out. I will not be disrespected in my office or in my place of work anymore. After coming here and dealing with your father and the glares from everyone – oh look at that, poor Dr. Shepherd, his whore of a wife cheated on him with his best friend. I can only imagine how many of them question if this baby is even his," Mom rants, not even paying attention to my presence anymore. I am stunned by what I'm hearing; she has no filter, completely unlike her.

"You see this, this lack of filter or whatever, is what I'm talking about. You want me to get out of your office, fine! But next time you could try asking a little more nicely because unlike all those people out there you say are talking behind your back, I actually love you and care about you and don't like what you're doing to yourself. So get some professional help – or don't for that matter! – but stop taking this out on me."

Tears stream down my face as I turn to leave the room. Ignoring Mom's muffled sobs, I storm down the hall, in desperate need of some solitary confinement. I don't even know that woman in there anymore, and honestly I don't know if I want to. I know enough about psychology not to poke the depressed bear with a stick, but what the hell else am I supposed to do? Just let her carry on like this? No thank you.

Just a month ago she was so happy. It took a lot, to pick up everything and just move, but it was going alright. Both my parents were adored by their boss, I was actually getting straight A's my first semester at Holy Names (even in Calculus), the soccer team took second in state; we were all…well we were getting there. Mom was her old self – the self she claims not to remember anymore – the loving, funny, dorky, slightly overprotective woman I love more than anyone else in the world. My mommy. But that woman in there is _not_ my mommy, and I can only hope that's not the mommy my baby sister will be forced to grow up with.

Suddenly, through the clouding of tears that stings my eyes, I see a figure run into the supply closet nearby; a thin figure with mousy hair and light blue scrubs. Well, I only know one of those.

I pause for a moment before following and pushing the door open slightly. Meredith Grey sits on the floor, leaning against a rack of IV bags and nearly hyperventilating from crying so hard. Taking in a deep breath in an attempt to swallow my own tears, I go and sit next to her, placing a hand on her shoulder gently.

Meredith flinches, but she doesn't stop crying, nor does she look over at me. She's obviously not okay, but instead of saying anything I just sit with her, watching the tears cascade down her cheeks as her body radiates all the emotion I have pent up inside of me as well.

Across from me I notice a stack of small paper bags. I reach over to grab one, but as I do Meredith takes hold of my wrist, her tight grip nearly cutting off my circulation.

"I don't…" she cries. "I don't want my mother to die alone."

I have no idea what she's talking about, but I can relate. My mother may not be dying, but she is alone. She's created this wall around her that's damn near impossible to break, which leaves me afraid that she could possibly one day die…alone.

A couple of my own tears spill over as I hand her the paper bag wordlessly. Meredith takes deep breaths as the bag crinkles; in and out, in and out.

"I'm okay," she whispers after a moment.

I watch the color return to her face. "You're okay," I nod.

Finally, she turns her head to look at me. "Thank you."

"You're welcome," I place my hand back on her shoulder, looking down in the hopes that she won't notice my face screw up from trying not to cry.

"Are you okay?" Meredith whispers.

But now it's my turn not to speak. Pulling my knees to my chest I start to cry after all, letting out every emotion I have that shows I have no understanding of that woman who's supposed to be my mother.

"Whoa, whoa, Laurie," Meredith says, wrapping an arm around my shoulders.

"I'm sorry," I choke. "I'm sorry."

"What are you sorry for? What happened?"

"It's…my mom, and the baby, and just…everything," I cry. "I thought coming here to Seattle to be with Dad would make everything better, and I would be happier than staying with her in New York but, right now it just feels like everything's falling apart and I can't do _anything_ to stop it.

I don't know why he took her back. He should never have taken her back," I stammer in between breaths. Quickly I wipe at my tear-stained cheeks.

"Who shouldn't have taken who back?" Meredith whispers, although for some reason I think she knows who I'm talking about, if not for the sudden stiffness in her posture at the mention of my father.

"Dad! He should never have taken my mother back. Not after what she did; I was wrong to think it would work because I don't even know that woman out there anymore. The accident baby changed her and now she's not even acting like my mom anymore. She's got this wall built up because of my dead twin sister and no one can seem to break it, it's almost worse than when my sister died. And Dad's been so good to her, even after she cheated and he took her back…but she doesn't care about anyone but herself."

"Laurie," Meredith starts. "I really don't think that's true. Your, your mother is a brilliant doctor and, and maybe she just has a lot on her plate right now and…"

"You don't really give a lot of pep talks do you?" I interrupt her.

"No, not really," she responds quickly. "Unless it's for Cristina but that's a little different. But your dad, he's a really good guy and he wouldn't be him if he didn't try and make it work with Add- with your mom. I don't know what it's like to lose a child, but maybe once your mom sees the baby for who he or she-"

"She."

"…she really is, it'll help her understand that she's not replacing anyone by having it."

"Yeah I guess, but what if that doesn't happen? What if Mom takes one look at her and goes cold again? She…she was my best friend growing up; loving, funny, happy, and she was always there for me. I don't want my sister to grow up with anything less."

"And that's understandable. Maybe now would be a time to just wait it out though. Give your mom a chance to get through this her way; I think you'll see once the baby's born things will change."

"You really think so?"

"I really do," Meredith gives me a small smile.

"Did you…did you want to talk about your mom at all?" I ask quietly.

"Oh my mother," Meredith sighs. "She's got Alzheimer's and she was…well she was a doctor too."

"Ellis Grey, right?"

"Of course you would know this but yes, my mother is Ellis Grey. Let's just say she didn't do well to keep a lot of friends in, in her life so I do it. She lives in a home but I take care of her. She's not the easiest of patients and I guess I'm just, I'm scared that she's not gonna have anyone when…"

I just nod in understanding. "I'm scared of that too."

"I don't think your mother would be alone when she…"

I take another deep breath.

"Meredith, if there's one thing I've learned over the past year it's that you can be surrounded by an army of family and friends, and still you can feel like the loneliest person in the world."

* * *

**Addison's POV**

**Two months later**

I should be used to this. I should. It happens all the time. In my profession, babies die all the time.

In my life, babies die all the time.

At 36 weeks, I ache pretty much everywhere; boobs, ankles, lower back, neck, everywhere. Josie's too big to move around a lot inside me anymore, and I can already tell she's going to weigh almost twice as much as her big sisters did. Derek says that should be her name – Josephine, a name he suggested one night as we lie in bed – but I don't listen anymore. There's not a bone in my body that wants to name this baby, because once I name her, it'll hurt even more when I lose her.

_When I lose her_. I've lost the optimism to think otherwise. I don't want to lose her, but I didn't _want_ to lose Rinny, and that happened. I didn't _want_ Jamie Carr to lose her baby, and that happened too. So now here I am, crouched in a stall inside the women's bathroom crying to the point where breathing normally is becoming difficult.

That is until I hear footsteps; someone's entered the bathroom. Immediately I recognize the shoes and navy blue scrubs – it's Callie, the orthopedics resident and someone who I could possibly one day consider a good friend. Since she came in with a broken wrist as well, Callie and I are on Jamie Carr's case together.

"You okay?" She asks through the door.

"Yeah I'm fine, I'm okay," I sniff, wiping my eyes. "I'm good."

Callie pauses. "Don't make me climb over this stall. I'll do it but I'll be really pissed because I don't know you that well."

I roll my eyes. No, no you don't. Slowly, I unlock the stall door.

"You're not okay," Callie comments upon seeing me, red puffy eyes and great, swollen belly. And ankles. Let's not forget the ankles.

"I don't know why," I mutter, as she helps me to stand. "There's no reason that this should affect me this much, I'm used to this I am but…"

"Used to what?" Callie asks. Oh yeah that's right, she doesn't know yet.

"That woman. Yesterday she's just as healthy as can be, and today…today her baby's dead."

For a moment Callie just stands next to me before I notice her eyes wander involuntarily down to my stomach.

"Addison just because…just because her accident caused an untimely death doesn't mean that your baby isn't okay," she whispers.

I feel a lump make its way back into my throat, so I just nod in response.

"But I've lost a child before, almost lost two children. And now Laurie and I aren't…it's been tough talking to her; lately I feel like I can't really talk to anyone."

"You can always talk to me if you want," Callie says, placing a hand on my shoulder. "I know this hospital's gossip train is longer than a freight, but I know how to keep a secret."

"Thanks," I nod. "I appreciate it."

"We should um, we should probably get back to our patient soon. Are you okay?" Callie asks softly.

"Yeah, yeah I'll be fine," I dab my cheeks one last time.

Callie looks down at my stomach again. "Okay well I'll be back with Jamie. Hang in there, Addison. And just so you know, this is one of those times where I would normally ask if you wanted to grab a drink after work, but given your circumstances…"

"Thanks Callie," I half-laugh. "And it's the thought that counts."

It's only after she steps out that I look down and realize that my left hand's been resting on my belly this entire time, right over my baby's head.

* * *

Callie keeps a hand on my shoulder the entire time after I've delivered the Carrs' stillborn son.

I feel sick to my stomach; I'm devastated, watching Jamie hold her son, motionless and mute in her arms. I have seen dead babies before, but not like this. Not when just yesterday they were completely healthy and now thanks to some fluke accident like falling in the shower, the little life is no more.

Just like my baby girl was perfectly healthy one day and gone the next, thanks to someone who chose to drink and drive one Tuesday afternoon.

Frozen in place, I try to focus as best I can on Callie's hand on my shoulder. That one little bit of support when all I want to do is fall over, limp in her arms, and die, just like that little baby.

"Addison, we should give them some time," Callie whispers, breaking me from my musings. I don't respond, I merely stand and walk out completely on autopilot, praying to God Jamie doesn't look up and get a nice look at my protruding belly.

"I need an ultrasound," I say to Callie immediately.

"Addison, your baby's –"

"Fine I know," I snap. "But I _need_ an ultrasound." I look at her with a pleading gaze. I _need_ to know that this little girl is okay, that she's still alive in there. That I can call her Josie, and know I'm not going to lose her.

"Okay," Callie concedes, placing a hand on the small of my back and leading me to the nearest exam room.

As soon as I get a glimpse of the little heartbeat on the screen I burst into tears, allowing the sound of my baby's heart to fill the room and sink into my very core. I still have two living daughters, Lauren and Josephine.

"Do you want me to page Derek?" Callie asks, concerned.

"No, no please don't," I cry. Really, I don't want Derek to see me like this any more than he's already had to, and I'm beyond grateful he hasn't since left me. I know, truly I understand, what I've put him and Laurie through, but I just couldn't change it. I couldn't carry another daughter and…I love this baby, and I love Laurie, and I love Derek, but I wasn't okay. I'm not okay.

And it took Derek's consistent care, Laurie's honesty, and finally seeing this little heartbeat to realize that. To realize that this is not what Rinny would have wanted – Rinny would have been so happy to have a little sister – and that I need to change.

"I want to go home," I tell Callie. "I just…I'm gonna go talk to Richard. Tell him I need to take the rest of the day. Laurie's home now and I just…I just want to go home and hug my kid." And tell her how sorry I am. For everything. Again.

Callie nods as I sit up, wiping my eyes and pulling my scrub top down over my belly. The baby turns over as I run my hand down my stomach, almost as a sign, like she's telling me everything's going to be okay, that she's here for me just as much as Rinny is.

My sweet little Josie.

* * *

When I get home that afternoon, the house is silent. Laurie's home from school already – I know because I see her jacket hung on the rack next to the front door – but I don't see her anywhere. Kicking off my shoes, I head up the stairs slowly, placing a hand on my aching lower back. Eventually I reach Laurie's bedroom, the door slightly cracked.

I take in a deep breath. "Laurie?" I call out her name quietly. No answer. "Honey, are you in here?" I ask again.

Still no answer. But when I poke my head in I see her, curled up on top of her bed sound asleep still in her school uniform. Then I remember she took her SAT last weekend and then stayed up until three this morning studying for a biology exam; she must be exhausted.

Looking at her sleeping figure, I flash back to all the fights we've had over the past couple of months; all the things I said that I wish with all my heart I could take back, and all the things she said that I only wish I could have understood sooner. Slowly, I lie down on the bed next to her, wincing slightly when Josie's foot grazes my bladder. As gently as possible I tuck a strand of Laurie's red hair behind her ear.

"I'm sorry, sweetheart," I whisper, feeling the tears prickle behind my eyes. "I'm so sorry."

I wrap an arm around her and kiss her forehead, trying to hold both my daughters as close as possible. Laurie stirs.

"Mom?" She mutters, opening her eyes a sliver.

"Shh, go back to sleep honey," I say quietly, kissing her forehead again.

Laurie mutters something else incoherent before shutting her eyes and snuggling closer to me. I run my fingers through her hair as she rests her hand on my stomach, unconsciously holding her little sister.

"I love you, Lauren," I tell her only moments before my own exhaustion sets in. "I love you. I love you. I love you."

* * *

**Derek's POV**

When I get home from work that evening the house is dead quiet, and while there are only three people currently living in it anyway, complete silence is strange. Shrugging off my jacket, I make my way upstairs toward the bedroom. I'm just about to call out for Addison when I pass by our daughter's bedroom; both she and Laurie are sound asleep in Laurie's bed.

Standing there for a moment, I take in the sight of them – mother and daughter, well technically _daughters_ – sleeping soundly together. It looks like some of the best sleep Addison has gotten in ages.

Letting out a long sigh, I walk inside and sit down on the edge of the bed. Laurie has her arm wrapped around her mother's middle, unconsciously holding her little sister. Without even thinking I run a hand up and down Addie's back gently, and regret it as soon as she starts to stir.

"Mmm Derek?" She mumbles, half asleep.

"I'm sorry," I whisper.

"I think I should be the one saying that to you," Addison whispers, craning her neck to look at me so as not to wake Laurie. "I…I'm so sorry Derek. So sorry. I'm sorry I couldn't…"

"Addison," I tuck a strand of hair behind her ear. "We both have done a lot of things in our relationship that needed apologizing for, but you…you don't need to apologize for getting through this the only way you knew how. You don't ever have to apologize for missing Rin."

Addison's eyes well up before I lean down and kiss just underneath her lids.

"How's our girl doing today?" I ask.

"Which one?" Addison smiles, an almost genuine smile for the first time in ages.

"All of them," I smile.

"They're hanging in there," she looks back over at Laurie, still sleeping peacefully. "I've messed up with her so much, Derek," she whispers sadly. "She hates me."

"Addie, Laurie could never hate you. She knows you've been having a hard time; she just wants you to feel better. We both do," I say, reaching for her hand.

"Could you just, stay here for a little while?" She asks.

"Sure," I respond quietly, moving to kneel at the edge of the bed.

"I'm sorry, Derek," Addison yawns, running her hand through my hair.

I reach for her hand again, kissing it a couple of times.

"Just go back to sleep, Addie."

* * *

**One week later**

I see Meredith standing off in the distance, looking like she's in some sort of trance. Naturally, she and I have kept some distance since Addison and Laurie got here, and especially now that Addie's pregnant and...needs a little more help...but there are times that I just look at her and a part of me still wants to be her Knight in Shining Whatever, even if it means in friendship.

And yes I realize this puts me in the position of not being able to tell Addison to cut all ties with Mark, or really say anything for that matter. We both had affairs, and we both want to move forward. That fact in and of itself should make Mark and Meredith completely irrelevant to our lives.

I just hope Addison still feels the same way about moving forward, because until late the only thing the baby has made her do is slide back into the Worst Days; the days when the grief over losing Rinny threatened to swallow all of us whole. I'll admit, I had been hoping for it to be a boy, in part because I've always wanted a son, but also because that way it would be clear from the start - to Addie especially - that this baby is not a replacement of Rin. This baby is not Rin. But we got another girl, Josephine. Laurie and I think that should be her name; it was my father's mother's name and I just thought, under the circumstances, it would be good for Laurie to have a say in something, and it would be nice to feel like family is nearby.

Not to mention Addison is still dead set against naming our new daughter after anyone having to do with _her_ mother.

After returning some files to the nurses' station, I notice Meredith is still standing there, staring off into space. Before I can stop myself I ask her, "You alright?"

She turns to look straight at me. "I have...a feeling," is all she says.

"I get those," I respond quietly.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

"And?"

"If you wait long enough it passes."

Meredith pauses. "Promise?"

"I promise."

Without another word she turns and walks away, down toward the ER. Standing there, I really have no idea what to make of what she just said, but the fact that I now have this feeling too – whatever _it_ is – is slightly disconcerting.

"Hey," Addison's voice sneaks up from behind me. "Whatcha doin'?"

I sigh. "Waiting for it to pass."

Addison follows behind me.

"Waiting for what to pass?"

* * *

"Hang another unit," I tell the scrub nurse standing to my right. "With the size of this bleeder this must have been one hell of a bike accident. You'd think people would take better care to wear helmets, unless of course this is their idea of a good time..."

The nurse, Jackie, chuckles beside me. "I take it that's one of your more stricter rules at home, Dr. Shepherd?"

"You better believe it. My girls learned to ride a bike with their helmets duct taped to their heads."

Scattered people in the OR laugh slightly. Moments like this make me chuckle to myself though, because who really knows who all thinks I'm funny, or who all just wants to get the attending to like them.

Suddenly from the corner of the room my pager beeps.

"Stevens could you check that?" I mutter to Izzie, my intern for the day, not looking up from my patient.

"It's Mer-Dr. Grey," she reads.

"I'm in the middle of surgery, if it's really that important she will come down here and find me."

Izzie nods, setting the pager back on the shelf. Just as she turns around, however, it beeps again.

"People love you today," Izzie jokes, going back to check it again. "It's Meredith again. That's twice in the last five minutes, maybe it really is something ser – "

But Izzie is interrupted by the OR doors opening; Miranda Bailey walks in, holding a mask to her mouth.

"Dr. Bailey?" Izzie addresses her.

"Miranda?" I ask at the same time as Izzie.

"Dr. Shepherd something has come up and I really, really think it would be in your best interest to answer Dr. Grey's page."

"I am in the middle of this man's brain, Dr. Bailey, I cannot just – "

"I already paged Peterson," she interrupts me. "And he's agreed to come in and finish."

I sigh. "Fine. But this better be good."

* * *

"Meredith, you paged me out of surgery to my own office? What's going on?" I ask immediately upon finding her standing in front of my desk.

"I didn't page you here to, you know..." she waves her hand around, "...if that's what you're thinking."

"Well to anyone who knows our history this would look pretty damn suspicious, so what is it you need to tell me, in here of all places?"

"Derek, there's something that's happened and I wanted to be the one to tell you first." Suddenly she looks very nervous, most of the color draining from her face. "I paged the other Dr. Shepherd but before she gets here you, you need to know."

"What is it Meredith? Spit it out," I say, trying to hide the horrible feeling her body language is giving me, and the fact that she of all people paged my wife...did she kill a patient or something? She takes a deep breath. "Listen I have a surgery to finish and then I told Laurie I'd pick her up from school, so..."

"Derek! Just listen to me," she snaps, the tone of her voice erasing any and all lines of professionalism between intern and attending. But we erased that line long ago. "You can't, you can't pick Laurie up from school today."

Now I feel the color drain from my own face. What is she talking about?

"What are you talking about?" I ask in disbelief.

Meredith's voice goes hoarse. "Laurie's school...it's on lock down. There's been a shooting."

I have to grab the corner of the desk to keep my knees from giving out. _No. This can't be happening._

"No," I clear my throat. "No there wasn't...not at her school are you sure it's hers?"

"Yes, we're sure," Meredith whispers, slowly reaching down to flip on the news station I have programmed on the radio.

They're talking about Laurie's school.

_There has been confirmed open fire...eight people wounded...no word yet on fatalities...police have surrounded the premises..._

I feel like I'm going to faint. "We should never have sent her to that school. You had a feeling," I whisper, falling back against the desk. I had a feeling too.

"I had a feeling," she whispers sadly.

"What's going on?" I hear a voice come from the doorway, a voice I know all too well. A voice that shouldn't even be here because she's supposed to be having a baby - my baby - in three weeks. Looking up, I notice my very pregnant wife standing before us, completely oblivious to what Meredith just informed me of. The mother of my children, my daughter's twin. My daughter who might very well be...

It takes everything I have not to lose it right then and there. "Oh God," I choke, standing up to pace around the desk. "Addie..."

When she hears what happened...if Laurie's been hurt or...it will kill her. It will kill me.

"Derek, what is going on?" Addison asks again, this time more forcefully. I can feel her eyes widen in fear without even having to look at her. I can't look at her right now.

"Meredith," I manage, covering my face with my hand.

"Dr. Shepherd why don't we sit down," she says gently to Addison, trying to hide her own fear.

"Not until you tell me what the hell is happening," Addison responds, stepping further into the room.

"Dr. Shepherd, please..."

"Dr. Grey I am in no mood for – "

"Addison, sit down!" I snap at her, knowing full well the consequences if she doesn't. Suddenly I feel like I'm suffocating, like I can't be in this room any longer, like there's only one place I can be right now. Not caring that I'm still in scrubs, I grab for my jacket and car keys.

"Wait! Where are you going?" Addison asks, worried, now sitting in a chair with a hand resting where just last week she showed me where Josie's head is, the spot I've kissed every morning and kept my hand over every night since. Our innocent baby girl; who's never been hurt, whose parents haven't damaged her, who has no idea the horrors of the real world yet.

"Derek you should really be here for this," Meredith starts, but I ignore the both of them.

"I...I can't. I have to go. I have to go find my daughter."

I don't hear anything that's said after that, as I race out of my office without so much as a glance at my wife or Meredith. I can imagine how scared Addison is now, but that imagining only lasts for so long, because the last thing I hear before racing down the stairwell is the sound of my wife screaming.

* * *

**Reviews are always welcome and greatly appreciated.**


	34. Chapter 34

**A/N: Hello lovely readers. So I know this is like my fastest update in months, but you've all been so amazing and I really appreciate the support. Here's chapter 34 for you...hope you enjoy!**

***This chapter is rated M***

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything.**

* * *

**Chapter 34**

**Lauren's POV**

"_Come out come out wherever you are!" I call into the living room._

_Mom chuckles as she sits on the couch, reading over a file from work._

"_Mommy I can't find her anywhere!" I huff._

_Suddenly, a giggle comes from the corner of the room._

"_Oh I think if you look hard enough you might be able to find her," Mom smiles._

"_But I've been looking for 15 minutes!"_

"_I'm invisible, Laurie," a small voice giggles again._

"_Uh oh, Laurie," Mom says seriously, putting down her file. "You know what they say about little invisible monsters…"_

"_What?" I ask._

"_Come here," Mom beckons. As soon as I get close enough, she says to me: "They say if you tickle them enough, they won't be invisible anymore."_

_I hear a squeal in the background and giggle._

"_But we can't tickle her if she's invisible, Mommy."_

"_Sure we can," she sets down her file and stands up. "Follow me."_

_Tip-toeing to the corner of the room behind the bookshelf, I see my sister curled up in a little ball._

"_There's my little invisible monster!" Mom laughs, picking up Rinny and tickling her._

_Rinny squeals. "No fair Mommy you helped Laurie win! Mommy stop, that tickles!" She laughs as Mom attacks her belly._

_I start to laugh, watching my mother and sister, until Mom sits down on the floor and pulls the both of us onto her lap._

"_So how many more rounds do you two have planned for today, huh?" She kisses each of our cheeks._

"_Umm…sixteen!" Rinny laughs._

"_Sixteen?!"_

"_Yep!"_

"_Well then you better get started now!" Mom laughs._

"_Wanna play, Mommy?" I ask._

_She looks over her shoulder at the paperwork still on the table._

"_Why not," she nods._

"_Okay, it's my turn to count!" Rinny declares. "Go hide, go hide!"_

_Mom and I get up as Rinny starts to count._

"_Where should we hide, little one?" Mom whispers to me._

"_Um…you go in the basement and I'll go upstairs in the bathroom," I whisper to her._

"_Got it," Mom winks, and with a quick kiss on the cheek she's gone._

_I just make it up to the bathroom when I hear Rinny's little voice – "ready or not, here I come!"_

* * *

"God you have no idea how much I love having a free period," my friend Maggie says, the both of us having spent our extra-long lunch in our school's dark room.

"Same; the only sucky part is when it ends and you realize you still have two more classes to go," I chuckle. Maggie and I both have free fourth periods this semester and are both taking a photography elective that we're obsessed with, so needless to say lunchtimes consist of either adventuring off campus (which my parents remain blissfully unaware of) or developing as many photos as possible.

"Hey, don't kill my vibe," Maggie retorts. "And when can we go hang out with Charlie again? I feel like I never see him anymore."

"It's winter quarter finals so definitely not this week," I say, taking my gloves off and exiting the small room. "He's been super stressed about passing this O-Chem class so even I haven't seen him in like two weeks."

I feel a pang of sadness at the mention of my boyfriend. Nothing serious, but I'm honestly so surprised at how much I love him; to the point where even going two days without seeing him makes me uneasy. What's even more surprising is that I don't feel like a clingy girlfriend – I feel completely normal – and I think I would feel this way even if we weren't sleeping together.

Ugh, "sleeping together" sounds so weird to me, because we're not literally sleeping. "Having sex" seems so unattached, and it's definitely not unattached. But "making love" doesn't sound right either because I feel like we're too young to call it that, and we're not married.

Really, I just know that I love him.

"Why are you so eager to hang out with him again anyway?" I ask Maggie as she picks up her book bag.

"Well because," she looks over at me sheepishly. "His friends are hot. And he's hot."

I laugh loudly, which quickly turns into a snort. "Oh my God I am so telling him you said that."

"Do not," she shoots back. "I mean it. His ego is big enough already."

"Well he does want to be a doctor, gotta get started on that ego early," I joke. "You should see my dad…"

"Speaking of hot…" Maggie trails off.

"Okay, ew. Please stop," I laugh. "But if we're gonna have a contest naming off hot relatives I must say your brother Jeremy was looking mighty fine at your birthday party last month," I smirk, adding my best Southern accent to "mighty fine."

"Okay, okay point taken," she holds up her hands in defeat, walking down the hall next to me. "Totally gross."

"You have Spanish next right?"

"Si, Señorita," she says, as we turn the corner fully expecting to get hit by a wave of girls all rushing off to their next class. But it doesn't come. "Where is everybody?" Maggie asks quietly.

"Did we miss the bell?"

I check my watch. "No, no definitely not. Fifth period starts at one, it's not even five 'til. What's going on?"

The hallway is completely deserted; no students, teachers, staff, anybody.

"Did you even hear the bell?" Maggie whispers.

"No," I respond. Maggie and I had been in the dark room since 11:30, we didn't hear anything. Suddenly, something feels very wrong, like we shouldn't be allowed out in this hallway.

"Was it a half day and no one told us?" Maggie jokes.

"No, Maggie, it wasn't a half day," I tell her seriously.

"Laurie, what's going on?" She asks, equally serious.

"I don't know…something just doesn't feel right," I walk straight ahead, looking around for any sign of people.

Then we hear it.

"What was that?" Maggie whispers, looking up at me with worried eyes.

Dread sinks into the pit of my stomach, leaving me feeling like I'm going to be sick. A lump forms in my throat, making it so I can only gape at my friend.

We hear it again. And again.

Someone screams.

Maggie gasps, covering her mouth with both hands as tears form in her eyes. I know why there's no one in the hallway, why the bell isn't going off. The school is on lock down.

_There is a shooter in my school_.

I hear a door crash open from the end of the hallway in front of us.

"Oh my God," Maggie whispers, crying.

"Shh, shh," I pull her behind a row of lockers, trying to mask my own crippling fear. "We have to get out of here." But there's nowhere to go where we wouldn't be noticed, or trigger the security alarm, and then if whoever's armed finds us first…I can't finish the thought. "We have to hide."

_I'm invisible, Laurie_.

I hear a little girl giggle in my ear, and I know right away it's my twin sister. Eyes looking around frantically for a place to hide, I hear the quiet giggle again…coming from the janitor's closet.

"In here," I motion for Maggie to follow me.

More doors crash around us and we hear a few more shots as we close ourselves into the dark, crowded closet. Maggie's crying beside me and I'm trying my hardest not to collapse in fear, or think about my mom and dad, or how if this ends badly I might never get to meet my little sister. Never see Charlie again. No, right at this very moment I'm grateful for being my mother's daughter.

"Maggie," I breathe. "There is someone dangerous in the school. I don't know why but…we have to be really quiet, okay?" I feel like I'm talking to a five year old, but I don't care. Taking care of Maggie will distract me from wanting to lose it completely.

"I know," she nods. More crashing comes from outside and I just remembered – this door doesn't lock from the inside. I start to shake and Maggie and I wrap our arms around each other.

_Hey Laurie, wanna play hide and seek?_

Please come find me, Rinny. Help us. You always knew the best hiding spots.

"I'm hiding in the closet, Rinny," I whisper. If Maggie hears me she doesn't react.

_Ready or not, here I come!_

We hear footsteps outside the door. No one is talking. No one is saying anything. Another shot is fired and I hear more screaming; so much screaming. Maggie is audibly crying now so I reach my hand over and cover her mouth, feeling her hot breath against my skin.

"Don't move," I mouth. Not that she can see me.

_Uh oh, Laurie. You know what they say about little invisible monsters…_

No Mommy, I don't know. I don't know what to do. I wish you were here with me so I could fall into your arms where I know I'll always be safe.

Someone slams against the door and Maggie screams, forcing me to hold her tighter. She bites down on my finger hard and it takes everything I have not to cry out in pain.

I think about our other friends – Jana and Stephanie – and my teammates, my teachers; what is going on out there. How many people are hurt? How many people are…dead? And why did this have to happen? _Who_ did this? I think about my best friends in New York, safe inside their classrooms.

I have so many questions, but I'm not even sure I want the answers.

By now Maggie and I are both trembling and I bet she's wondering too if we're going to make it out of here alive. There's another shot – tears stream down my face silently. It's so dark in this little closet and all I want to do is curl up in the fetal position.

Suddenly an alarm goes off – someone must have triggered it. There's more shouting but I can't tell who it is, the alarm is so loud.

"Laurie," Maggie cries.

"I know," I choke. "Just wait."

Just wait. We'll make it out of here alive.

* * *

**Derek's POV**

I'm in denial the entire drive to Laurie's school, and I refuse to turn the radio on. No, there's no way this is happening, there's no way my kid is in this much danger _again_. I swore I would protect her, I would never let her feel unsafe again. I'm her father; it's my job to protect her and I didn't.

There are so many monsters in the world; why is my child falling victim to so many?

I drive a solid 10mph over the speed limit trying to reach Laurie's school, all the while praying I don't get stopped by a police officer. But as soon as I get over the hill I see why I don't – over a dozen cop cars surround my daughter's school. I don't dare call her – who knows where she could be?

"Oh God," I whisper, feeling my voice break already. Did they catch anyone? How many people are dead in there?

Pulling over to the side of the road, I completely disregard the parking meter and run almost straight into another group of parents.

"What's going on? What's happening?" I ask, frantic.

"We don't know," one woman cries. "They won't tell us anything. My daughter's in there, she's 13, she must be so scared!"

Another woman pulls her into a hug. Although I'm just as scared as that sobbing woman, I can't show it. Not while my daughter is still unspoken for.

Before I know it I'm running toward the school building. I don't hear any gun shots but there are people everywhere; police officers, some wearing bullet proof vests and some not. If only Laurie had a bullet proof vest right now.

No, don't think about that.

"Excuse me, sir!" A tall, muscular officer shouts at me as I run. I ignore him.

"SIR!" He bellows again. "Sir you can't get any closer! Stop!"

Suddenly I feel a pair of strong arms wrap around me, almost making me fall to the ground.

"My daughter is in there!" I growl. "Get the hell off me!" It takes everything I have not to turn around and punch this guy holding me down.

"With all due respect sir,"

"It's doctor!" I shout.

"_With all due respect_, everyone's daughter is in there," the officer replies. If I didn't want to punch him before, I do now.

"Let GO of me!" I shout again, prying at his muscular arms.

"If I do will you stay back?" The officer says right in my ear.

"Yes," I breathe, and he lets go.

"Will you tell me what is going on in there?"

"That's information I can't disclose, Doctor..."

"I don't give a DAMN what you can't disclose!" I interrupt. "I wanna know where my kid is!"

The officer sighs. "All we know is two guys walked in just after 12:30 and..." he hesitates. "It was open fire. We sent in guys as soon as we got here."

I look over at the school building...just in time for an alarm to go off.

"Stay back!" The officer gives me a hard stare one last time before running off.

I feel the tears streak my face before I even realize I'm crying. Where is Laurie? What is going on in there?

A woman dressed in a black pencil skirt and flowered blouse stumbles out in the arms of an officer I'm surprised was even tall enough to make it into the police force. Wiping my tears away quickly I discover that the woman is in fact the principal of Holy Names, Mrs. Virginia Eldredge.

"Let me go!" She screams. "The children!"

I see a stretcher being brought out with a cloth over the body and feel my knees go weak.

"We got one shooter!"

...oh. But just one? There's so much muttering around me, amidst Mrs. Eldredge's cries; I make out bits and pieces.

"...Kindergarten through fifth grade has been evacuated out back..."

"...Physics teacher is among the wounded..."

_Laurie's taking Physics this year._

"...send the paramedics to the library..."

"...check all closets..."

At this point I've stopped listening; no one is talking about my kid. I need to find my kid. Dozens of parents show up behind me. For how long they've been there I have no idea.

"Derek!" A man shouts behind me. I recognize the voice as Jana's father. Turning around, I see both of her parents approaching me.

"Ron," I address him only moments before his wife Alice greets me with a tight embrace, a full foot shorter than me.

"They won't tell us anything," she cries.

"I know," I sigh. "All I know is the young kids have been evacuated out back and they're sending paramedics into the library. I don't...I don't know where Laurie is either."

"Jana loves the library," Alice whispers. "Who would do this? They're just little girls for God's sake!"

Alice turns around, closing her eyes and crossing herself before I can respond. I'm so glad Addison's not here to see this, pregnant or not, she wouldn't be able to stand it. I don't even want to think about what I would tell her if Laurie...if she...

I have no idea what I would tell Addison if Laurie was murdered.

What happens next all seems like slow motion to me. More commotion is heard as a herd of older girls are brought out through the front door, followed by stretchers carrying injured and bloody people. The doctor in me itches to go over and help, to tell them to direct all ambulances to Seattle Grace, but then I think about Addison. I will not bring this to her. No, let them go to another private hospital. I can't help these people, not when I need to find my own daughter.

"Mom! Dad!" Laurie's friend Jana yells, running out the door, hair flying wildly behind her.

"Jana! Oh Jana!" Alice cries, flinging herself onto her daughter. I watch the three of them embrace before turning back to the door, waiting to see Laurie.

"Dr. Shepherd," Jana chokes, still stuck in her parents' embrace.

I look at her, terrified of what she's going to tell me. "Jana...where's Laurie? Is she okay?" All I can think about.

Jana's eyes well up. "I haven't seen her. I haven't seen anyone."

My heart rate increases in my chest, threatening to knock me over. "When's the last time you saw her?" I ask frantically.

"After...after Calc this morning," Jana breathes, trying not to panic. "But she...she and Maggie are usually in the dark room right now...I, I'm so sorry I don't know!" She cries into her father's shoulder.

Photography class. The dark room. This is good, right? This means she was out of the way when these people came into her school. She _has_ to be okay then, right? I stare desperately at the front door of the school building, as if my own power could pull Laurie out.

Then I see it - a flash of red hair. Addison's red hair; _Laurie's_ red hair. She stands just outside the door frame, her arm wrapped around her friend Maggie's shoulders, the both of them unhurt but crying.

"Laurie," I whisper, tears streaming once more. She locks eyes with me and I watch her mouth fall open before both she and Maggie break into a run.

"Daddy! Daddy!" She shouts. I pick her up and spin her around as she sobs into my shoulder.

"Oh Buddy," I choke, holding her as tightly as possible. "Thank God. Thank God."

Laurie just keeps on crying, and soon I'm enveloping Maggie into our embrace too, until she spots her own parents.

"I'm so happy to see you," Laurie mutters, almost incoherently, into my shoulder.

"I'm right here, baby. You're safe now," I whisper, wiping my eyes again.

We stand in an embrace for what feels like forever, until I pick her up and spin her around once more, unable to put into words how scared I was at the thought of losing her again. My little girl, the most important thing in the world to me.

You're safe now.

* * *

**Lauren's POV**

I'm shaking when Dad walks me in to the hospital. I feel like I should be committed to psych, because there's no way I'm as completely sane as everyone else walking around here.

_There were no fatalities. _I can hear the voice of the news reporter standing outside the school still in my head.

_No fatalities._

But there were so many injuries, so much blood on the ground, I don't think I'll ever be able to get the color red out of my line of vision. Luckily, most people from school were taken to Swedish, the private hospital down the street from campus, so I don't have to see anyone here, and my parents don't have to see all the damage that was done. Aside from my right hand, I'm not hurt; I try my hardest not to look down at it, to remember what Maggie's teeth felt like sinking into my fingers in my attempt to keep her from screaming.

We were lucky; no one died, but it's only a matter of time before we hear the full extent of everyone's injuries. My physics teacher from the fall was hit in the shoulder, protecting some of her students. Who knows how close it actually came to her heart.

I have no idea what prompted these people to do what they did; two escaped cons, armed and dangerous, came to my school, and for what? A part of me hopes to never find out.

The only reason we're here now is because I want to see my mother. I want her to see me and know that I'm okay, that I'm still alive and I'm not hurt.

"I love you, Daddy," I whisper shakily, standing inside his office. I'm too jittery to even think about sitting down.

Dad pulls me into another tight hug. "Buddy," he mutters into my hair, squeezing me tightly. "I love you so much and I...I don't know what I would have done if you didn't..."

I sniff, burying my face in his shoulder. I feel so safe in his embrace, like he's keeping me whole. The last time I was in this much danger, I didn't have my father there to hold me when I would have given anything to have him. Words cannot express how happy I am to be with him now, like I could just start crying again and never stop.

"I'm so scared," I cry. I feel my phone buzz in my pocket, most likely from my friend I spent the last hour huddled up with, who thank God got out alright. Or Charlie. Oh God, Charlie – I have to see him.

"Shh," he soothes, rocking us back and forth like he used to do for me when I was little and would have a nightmare.

"I'm so glad I have you," I say, reaching up with one hand to wipe my eyes.

"I'll always be here. I'm not going anywhere, baby," he whispers.

The two of us stand in a silent embrace for a while, and I'm grateful he's not forcing me to talk. I don't know if I'll want to talk about this for a while. At least not today I won't.

"Where's Mom?" I ask after a moment. "I want to see Mom."

"Honey, there's...something you should know," Dad responds, pulling back from our embrace. He holds on to my shoulders with both hands, looking at me with those kind blue eyes. "When Mom found out about what happened today she sort of, she panicked pretty badly to the point where your baby sister wasn't getting enough oxygen so they had to sedate her."

"Oh God," I bring my hand to my mouth, tears spilling over again.

"She's okay, honey, I just wanted you to know."

"I just want to see her, Dad. Please," I beg, wiping my eyes.

"Okay," he nods, kissing my forehead before leading me out of the office.

I get lots of looks as we head down the hall, Izzie even stops to give me a tight hug and it takes all that I have to hold back more tears.

Once we get to Mom's room, Dad motions for me to wait outside so he can check if she's awake. I hear rustling; she is.

"Addison," Dad says her name gently. "Addie."

"You're back," I hear a hoarse voice respond. "Oh Derek," Mom's voice cracks. "Laurie's dead isn't she?"

I think if it were physically possible for a heart to rip in half mine would have just then, hearing how easily my mother fears the worst for her children. But given our history, how could she not?

"Mom," I cry, entering the room before Dad could respond to her. The tears are already streaming again before even reaching her arms.

"Laurie," she says my name, immediately reaching out for me. She's sitting up in bed, her face so pale, and she looks completely exhausted. I completely break down in her arms, both out of fear of what just happened, and from seeing what this did to her, seeing her as a patient again.

She holds me close, as close as her tired arms and the swell of her belly that is Josie will allow. "Oh Laurie, my baby thank God, thank God," Mom sobs into my shoulder, repeating the words Dad had said over and over again in the school parking lot. "I thought I lost you. I thought you had been..."

"No, no," I choke, taking in short breaths between each word. "I'm okay. I'm okay." I'm terrified, but I would never say that to her right now.

Mom pulls back from our embrace, touching her palms to my cheeks; there's no hiding the dark circles that have formed just underneath her puffy eyes.

"Mommy," I sob, my tears falling into her hands, trying to muster up the ability to tell her what I told my dad not ten minutes ago. "I'm so glad I have you." I reach down and place a hand on her belly, just in time for Josie to give me a little nudge hello. "And my baby sister."

Mom's shoulders are shaking from her inaudible sobs. She holds nothing back from me anymore, and as devastating as this situation is, a part of me is very glad.

"I...I told you I would never let anyone hurt you again," she whispers, lower lip quivering. "Oh Laurie..."

"Shh," I pull her close, just as I did that night, almost a year ago now, when Dad left us. "I'm okay, Mom. Everyone's okay." I only just notice Dad's retreated to the corner of the room in silence.

"It's my job to protect you I'm your mother and I...I didn't protect you," she stammers. "I'm so sorry baby, but I, I love you so much." She leaves a lingering kiss on my temple.

"I love you too, Mommy," is all I respond with, my voice breaking.

Dad comes over and sits on Mom's other side; the three of us lie there for what feels like hours, just holding one another and Mom and me crying. After a while I start to shake again, trying not to remember the events of this afternoon. I'm afraid to talk to my parents – especially Mom since she's so fragile – about what happened, hiding in that supply closet, hearing a .38 caliber just feet away from me.

But then she notices my hand.

"Sweetheart you're bleeding," she whispers, gently picking up my hand.

I wince. I had forgotten how much it hurt.

"Honey, it looks like you got bit," Dad says.

I close my eyes and take in a deep breath. Mom touches my cheek again, and the familiarity and comfort of it only causes more tears to fall. "I did," I manage. "Maggie bit me. We got stuck in the hallway and had to hide in a janitor's closet and I…" I can barely form coherent words. "I had to keep her from screaming too loud. Oh God…they got so close, and there was so much blood," I bury my face in Mom's chest, like a tiny baby, afraid of the world outside of its mother's arms. There's so much more to this, but I can say no more.

"Honey," Mom cries, holding me as tightly as possible, like she wishes I could be a tiny baby again.

I feel Dad get up off the bed quickly. "I'm calling the police station. I wanna know what the hell they're doing to this guy," he explodes angrily at the one shooter who left that building alive. I can tell he's just as upset as Mom, but he's the kind of person who can't just sit here and comfort me; he wants to be sure to the best of his ability that the person who was caught can never harm his family again.

I continue to breathe heavily, feeling Mom's hand over the side of my head, stroking my hair.

"Mama's right here, baby," she whispers, like she used to do for Rinny and me when we were sick. "You're safe." I notice her move her hand down to her belly, rubbing it like she feels pain.

"Are you okay?" I mutter.

"Don't you dare worry about me," she says, kissing my forehead before wrapping her arms around me again. "I'm never letting you go again."

I sigh against her, thinking of last summer when I was lost and would have given anything to be in her arms, and mutter "I never want you to."

* * *

**Addison's POV**

**Three hours ago**

All I see is Derek rushing out of his office before Meredith gives me a look like she doesn't want to say something but knows she has to. Worry immediately floods my mind - what did Derek mean he "has to go find his daughter?"

"Meredith," I whisper. "What. Is. Going. On?"

I hardly even hear her say the words "shooting at Laurie's school" before I start screaming. I'm having an out-of-body experience; this isn't happening, this isn't my life. Someone with a gun has entered my daughter's school and started shooting people.

No way.

But I can't stop screaming, and crying, and calling out Laurie's name. The thought of her in so much danger, how scared she must be...

"No, no, no," I cry, almost hyperventilating, just as I did when my little one died almost 11 years ago now. "Laurie!"

Images flash through my mind:

_Rinny lying on the gurney, head bashed in from the collision._

_Laurie lying on the floor of her school, head bleeding from the bullet that ended her life._

_Giving birth to Josie, head limp, silent, stillborn._

_I have no children left. Am I even a mother anymore?_

I'm falling to the floor, covering my face in my hands and sobbing. Sobbing until everything goes away. Sobbing until everything goes black.

* * *

I'm having déjà vu, lying here in a hospital bed with Laurie in the middle of the night. Except this time I'm the one wearing the gown, and this time we're both very much awake.

And this time I'm trying desperately to ignore the pressure in my lower back and abdomen.

"I can't sleep," she whispers. Looking at the clock, I realize it's almost five AM.

I don't say anything; I just pull her closer and kiss her temple. I can't even think about what it would feel like never to be able to kiss her again, like I can never kiss Rinny again. It's started raining outside, the little droplets pitter pattering against the window.

"Is it over yet, Mom?" Laurie asks.

"Is what over?"

"The bad stuff. Is it over yet?"

"Oh sweetheart," I sigh.

"When is the bad stuff gonna stop happening to our family?"

I so wish I knew the answer to this.

"I wish I knew, baby girl," I say. "But the important thing is we're all still here. We're all still here." I rub my belly some more, trying to get Josie to settle.

Laurie snuggles into my chest. "Maggie and I had just come out of the dark room," she starts, and my eyes well up again. I know what she's going to tell me. "There was no one in the hallway even though it was a pass period. It felt weird, wrong somehow. And then we heard it."

She squeezes her eyes shut. I leave a lingering kiss on her forehead, promising myself I will never take this action for granted ever again. "Laurie you don't have to…" I trail off.

"I heard her in the janitor's closet, Mom," she interrupts. "She told me she was invisible. We were invisible in there. Like playing hide and seek."

I choke on a sob, knowing full well she's talking about Rinny. "She's your guardian angel, baby girl. She won't ever let anything happen to you."

Laurie places a hand on my belly, over her little sister.

Her little sister who wants to be born very soon.

"I just want the bad stuff to stop happening to our family," Laurie says.

I take a deep breath, taking in her scent. "Honey, despite everything that's happened, the fact that I still have you, and your dad, and your baby sister I think…I think means the bad stuff will stop happening. So long as we all have each other, the bad stuff will stop happening." I run my fingers through her hair, wishing she could get some sleep.

"Mom?" Laurie looks up at me.

"Yeah?" I touch her cheek.

"I'm sorry for everything I've said to you," she says quietly.

I hold her tighter. "Me too, Laurie, me too."

"You should get some sleep," she tells me.

Oh baby, I couldn't fall asleep before you now even if I wanted to. Not when I just want to hold you and kiss you and love you and appreciate you forever.

"Hey, didn't I mention something earlier about not worrying about me?" I joke.

Laurie yawns.

"It's okay if _you_ sleep," I whisper.

Laurie frowns. "I'm just afraid that if I sleep I'll dream about…about…"

"I'll be right here the whole time, honey. Josie and I will be right here," I tell her. The baby moves again, this time further down, and my hand automatically goes to cradle my belly when I take in a deep breath.

"Mom, are you sure you're okay? You keep breathing funny," Laurie says, moving her hand on my belly on top of mine.

By this point I wonder just how smart it would really be to lie to Laurie, as much as I want her to sleep. Josie's three weeks early, but if anyone knows anything about early labor it's me – both from my work and from giving birth to twins…three weeks early.

I sigh. "Actually I…honey if you could do me a favor and page your dad and Dr. Harrison. I'm in labor."

* * *

**Alright, just one more thing. You all should know that the next couple of chapters, 35 and 36, will technically be the last of Finding Our Way. BUT I am preparing two epilogues, and I will continue to update my One Shots series, because let's face it, I will never get enough of Laurie and the Shepherd family. And who knows, we might have another little one to write about soon ;) It's been such an amazing experience writing this fic; it has made me both love writing with all my heart, and hate it on occasion. Thank you all so much for sticking with me, and reviews are always, always welcome :)**


	35. Chapter 35

**A/N: So I officially love summer because summer means no school and no school means more writing time. Here's chapter 35 for y'all...hope you like!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything.**

* * *

**Chapter 35**

**Lauren's POV**

"Are you _sure_ you don't need anything? Some water, ice chips…anything?"

"Laurie, I swear to God if you ask me if I want ice chips one more time," Mom chuckles, lazily turning her head in my direction.

She must be the calmest "in-labor" patient in the history of, well ever. I frown at her from my chair next to her bed, giving her no indication that I'm putting up with her pretending to be okay when she's really in pain.

"Seriously honey, I'm good. This epidural is doing wonders. I'm just ready to get this baby out of me," she sighs, rubbing her belly some more. She just hit four centimeters dilation not too long ago and I'll admit she does seem "good," in all aspects of the term.

"You should have seen her in labor with you and Rin," Dad comments, walking through the doorway. "The epidural was the easy part. The screaming, and the breaking of the husband's hands, comes later."

I make a face. "Thanks Dad, for that lovely image you've just given me."

"Derek when you push two watermelons out of your vagina then you can talk, but until then…" Mom retorts as Dad kisses her head.

"Mom!" I look at her incredulously. "I did not need that image either. And thank you for comparing your daughters to fruit, by the way."

Mom doesn't respond. Instead she reaches an arm out toward me and asks, "Are you okay?"

She's talking about what just happened at school. I'm not going to say I've already forgotten – it's only been a matter of hours – but since she went into labor I've done my absolute best to push it to the back of my mind, especially since no one died, the guy(s) were caught, and my friends are all home safe.

"I'm fine," I respond a little too quickly.

"Laurie…"

"Mom, no. Right now is about you and Josie, not anything else. I don't want to talk about anything else."

She gives me this look like she's in pain, but not like physical pain.

"I don't want to talk about it," I repeat.

"Honey," Dad pipes up. "It's okay. We don't have to talk about it right now."

I exhale. "Thank you. I um, I actually think I'm gonna go walk around for a little bit, just get some air and give you two a minute…" This room is suddenly feeling very small to me, like even though my parents aren't forcing me to talk about the shooting, the subject still looms around in the air, threatening to suffocate me.

Mom opens her mouth to respond but then closes it again, as if she were about to offer to come with me but then remembered she's six centimeters away from giving birth. Honestly, this probably won't be the first time she will have to put Josie's needs before mine; newborns are completely dependent upon their mothers after all.

"Guys, it's fine. I'll be right outside," I say, standing up and giving Mom a kiss on the cheek. "Be back soon."

As I walk down the stairs toward the lobby I realize I actually have no idea where I'm going. I think about taking out my phone and calling Charlie – oh how wonderful it would be to hear his voice – but I'm still in no mood to talk about what happened at school. I don't have any messages from him yet either which I'm somewhat relieved about; he's so busy studying for finals he doesn't have time to listen to the news, and I don't want him freaking out about this, not when I'm completely okay, well physically anyway.

I find myself plopping down on a bench just outside the entrance doors to the hospital. It's not raining outside but the clouds left over from last night's storm give off a gloomy vibe. Shivering slightly, I zip up my jacket and cross my arms over my chest. I don't want to stay out too long since Mom's in labor, but I can't go back in just yet.

Sitting there alone, my mind wanders back to last May and my abortion in Connecticut. Before I can help it I'm thinking to myself _what if I had the baby?_

I would have given birth about three or so months ago and Josie would officially be younger than her niece or nephew…how messed up would that be?

I can't even imagine being a mother right now; every morning instead of drinking my coffee and going to school I would get up for feedings and changings and my whole life would revolve around this little person. I want children someday, I really do, but right now the thought of having one of my own scares the hell out of me. Even having a baby sister is sort of a scary thought; what if I accidentally feed her the wrong thing or drop her on her head?

I would lose favorite daughter status for sure.

No, I just know for sure that right now at this very moment, I am _not_ ready to be a mother.

**Ten months ago**

"Oh my God," my best friend Hannah whispers, reaching over to hold my hand. She, my other best friends Bella and Megan, and I walk through the middle of Central Park after school on our way home; it's an unusually sunny and warm spring day in New York City and I figured this would be the best place to drop the bomb.

To drop the bomb and admit to my best friends that I need help. I got pregnant, I can't keep it, and I need help.

"Yeah," I frown, refusing to look any of them in the eye.

"I mean, I knew you and Logan were serious but I didn't think…I didn't think it was that serious," Bella says.

"Yeah well I didn't think we were 'that serious' either," I respond, using air quotes. "I didn't exactly plan for this to happen. The sex or…you know…"

"Laurie, what do you want to do here?" Megan asks.

"Well, I don't think Logan would want–"

"Laurie," Megan interrupts. "What do you want to do here? It doesn't matter what Logan thinks. This is your choice."

"Megs you sound like my mom," I chuckle. "Oh God…my mom…" I groan.

"Do you wanna tell your mom? I…I kind of think it would be a good idea," Hannah says, looking at me apprehensively. "She is a baby doctor after all."

My mind immediately goes to my parents; one didn't have to be stupid to tell their marriage hasn't been the most stable as of late, with Dad working exponentially more hours and Mom not being able to confront him without starting a fight. Any more stress and I think our house might actually explode. No, I can't tell Mom about this, because then she would tell Dad, and I wouldn't be comfortable asking her not to anyway.

"No," I say pointedly. "I don't want to tell my mom. Not now anyway. You know how things are with her and my dad right now…they don't need the extra stress."

"But you're their daughter; you're not 'extra stress,'" Megan responds.

Megan, you really should become a therapist one day.

"Right now, yeah I would be. I can't say anything. And you guys can't say anything either."

All three of them open their mouths to argue.

"_Do not_ say anything," I repeat. "I…I can't have this baby. There's no way I could raise one now, with or without my parents' help. And Logan, he can't know about this either. No, all I want to do is play soccer; I wanna to go to college and I wanna play soccer. Nothing else." I exhale loudly.

Hannah takes a deep breath, looking deep in thought. "Okay," she begins. "I have the perfect plan of how to take care of this, so to speak."

"Go on," I tell her.

"Well you know how we're going on that camping trip to Connecticut this weekend?" She asks.

"Yeah…"

"I was just thinking – and I know you said you didn't want to tell Logan, so don't panic yet – that when we go up there, we could take my car separately and stop in New Haven, which is right on the way. We can split from the group for a little while, go to Planned Parenthood and you know…take care of it" She waves her arms around a little bit for emphasis.

I have to admit, as nervous as this plan makes me, it's not that bad. Besides, what else am I going to do? If I wait much longer it'll be too late and I'll start to show, meaning I'd have to tell everyone, including Mom, Dad, and Logan. Oh yeah, and then there's the scary thought of actually having to give birth in seven months. No, this plan was my only shot.

"Fine," I tell her. "Let's do it."

* * *

It's been almost two days and I'm still sore. They told me at the clinic I would experience some abdominal pain, but I didn't think it would be this bad. Luckily the camping trip consisted mostly of hanging out at the lake, so I could lie out on my towel most of the time and no one would say anything. No one except my best friends knew what I did last Friday.

Hannah asked if I wanted her to hang out with me at the brownstone for a while, just so I wouldn't have to be alone the first time I faced my parents – the first time since the abortion – but I told her no. I was the one who had sex too soon, I was the one who made the choice to abort the fetus; I need to face this on my own.

It's Sunday afternoon, theoretically both of my parents would be home, but when I walk through the front door it's only my mother's voice I hear. Then I remember, Dad doesn't come home from work anymore.

Mom's voice carries into the foyer from the kitchen; it sounds like she's on the phone with my uncle Archer and the kitchen – for whatever reason – is always her favorite place to chat, like she's telling a secret.

"…no Arch, I haven't seen him since Friday."

I swallow. She's talking about Dad.

"…no I haven't called him…"

I try not to make too much noise heading up the stairs, but I think I've failed since Mom stops talking abruptly and I hear her footsteps growing nearer. I take a deep breath, trying to ignore the cramping in my stomach.

As soon as Mom sees me she gives me her best smile, which I know right away means she's masking her unhappiness.

"Archer I'm gonna call you back. Laurie just got home." She hangs up the phone.

"Hey hon," she smiles, greeting me on the stairs. I groan inwardly, already knowing she will follow me up to my room. Oh well, have to hide those papers later. "How was the trip?"

"It was…it was fun," I give her an equally winning smile. She wraps an arm around my shoulders and I try not to stagger from the sudden added weight.

"Hannah drove safely didn't she?" Mom jokes.

"Y-yeah she did," I smile again as we head toward my bedroom. "It was fine, Mom. We just hung out at the lake."

"So I was thinking, after you got unpacked we could order in Thai," she says, running her hand down my back before sitting on the bed. "I've been craving red curry for weeks."

I have zero appetite right now, but I don't want her to know that. Especially since pad Thai is one of my favorite foods.

"Um yeah, sure, that sounds great."

"Hey," Mom stands up. "You okay, honey?"

"I'm fine," I answer a little too quickly. "Why do you ask?"

"You just seem a little…I don't know, different is all," she notes, running a hand through my hair. Honestly, the fact that she noticed something's wrong without me even saying anything makes me want to fall into her arms and cry.

"_No Mommy I'm not okay! I slept with Logan without really wanting to and got pregnant, and my best friends took me to get an abortion in Connecticut last Friday!"_

I would give anything to tell her, but I can't. Not when she's so unhappy already.

"I'm fine, Mom, I promise," I reassure her. "Just tired is all. Glad to be home."

She pulls me into an almost-too-tight hug and I wince from the abdominal pain again. "I'm glad you're home too, baby girl," she whispers. I think she's been very lonely all weekend. "Okay," she smiles, pulling back from the hug. "I'll go downstairs and order while you unpack."

"Sounds good," I tell her.

"Pad Thai right?" She calls from the hallway.

"Always," I shout back. Once I'm sure she's downstairs, I shut my bedroom door quietly. Unzipping my backpack, I pull out the bright yellow packet from Planned Parenthood.

Before I can even think I stuff them in one of my desk drawers before sitting back on the bed. Taking a deep breath, I try to think of something – anything – that will keep my mind off of the abortion.

Mom's downstairs ordering my favorite food, and I get to spend an entire evening with her. Those are good things right? Usually yes, but now that I have this secret, I'm not so sure.

"Oh God," I cry, burying my face in my hands. "What did I get myself into?"

I turn on to my side, lying down to face the wall, and cry. And cry. And cry. Until I hear…

"Laurie! Food's here!"

* * *

"Laurie?"

I'm brought back to my senses by a male voice I haven't heard in ages. A male voice that doesn't even live here. I open my eyes.

"Uncle Archer?" I smile, surprised, standing up to greet him. "What are you doing here?"

"I should be asking you the same thing. What is the hospital your new hang out or something? Come here, kiddo!" He pulls me into a tight hug, which I return gratefully, even though I still have no idea why he's here. Well no, I know _why_ he's here – probably because Mom's in labor – I just don't remember anyone ever mentioning they called and told him to come.

"I missed you," I mutter into his shoulder.

"Back 'atcha kid," he says. "Last time I saw my sister was when you had just run off on her."

I'm immediately overwhelmed with guilt, thinking back to last summer when I wasn't thinking at all.

"I…" I start.

"Don't even worry about it," he stops me, pulling back from our hug. "I'm not taking her side; I'm just saying if you know what's good for you you'll never do that again."

"Good thing I know what's good for me," I sigh. "Did Mom call you? Because no offense I think she's the only adult Shepherd who would…"

"Laurie, if only you had an older brother you'd realize that hating the sister's husband just comes with the territory," he jokes, and I roll my eyes. "But yeah she did; I wasn't planning on flying out here until she mentioned feeling early labor pain. Then I got on the first plane I could."

"What a guy," I grin. He wraps an arm around my shoulders as we walk inside. "So you know everything that's been going on around here I'm guessing?"

"Aside from the labor and you running off, no. Although _why_ there's even a labor in the first place is beyond me…" he mumbles, probably thinking I can't hear him. I almost want to laugh…sometimes his and Dad's mutual distaste for one another really amuses me.

"Okay cool. I think we can just leave it at that," I exhale, not wanting to explain everything to my uncle right now. "You know that Mom's having the baby now though, right? Like she went into actual labor a few hours ago?"

"Wait, what?" He stops me. "You mean you're not just walking me to her office? Where I planned on surprising her?"

"Uhh, no…she's having the baby today, which is why I thought your timing was impeccable," I chuckle. "You get to surprise her in room 2315."

"How far along is she now?"

"Four centimeters last I checked. It should be a little while…Dad's in there with her now."

"Okay then good thing I got here when I did!"

"Look Mom I found a stray," I announce when I reach her room, Uncle Archer on my heels.

"Well look what the cat dragged in," Dad laughs.

"Archer!" Mom beams at the sight of him. I also find it amusing that no matter how Dad feels about Uncle Archer, she still loves him unconditionally.

"Hey Addie," he smiles at the sight of her. This has to be the longest the two of them have gone without seeing each other.

"What are you doing here?" Mom asks mid-hug.

"I had a feeling once you called and said you were feeling labor pains that I should be here," he shrugs. "Bizzy and the Captain should be downstairs by now too."

"WHAT?!" Mom shouts, trying to sit up despite the epidural, probably to hit him. I'll admit even I get a knot in my stomach; the last thing Mom needs now is my criticizing grandmother.

"Just kidding," he smirks.

"God, Archer, I swear if you sprung them on me…" Mom looks annoyed.

"She'd kill you," Dad finishes. "Not that I'd complain…"

Mom opens her mouth to speak but Uncle Archer cuts her off.

"You're one to talk, Shepherd, walking out on my sister and your kid then knocking her up again first chance you got."

I slink into the corner of the room, not really wanting to be in here for this conversation but not wanting to leave Mom either.

"Do you really think right now is the best time for this conversation?" Dad asks.

"No-" Mom starts.

"Oh I could have this conversation whenever wherever," Uncle Archer answers.

"Fine well then you'd know that Addison and I getting back together was mutual and you'd keep your mouth shut about it in front of our daughter."

"Guys!" Mom shouts. "Just…stop it, okay. This pregnancy has been difficult enough and the last thing I need is the two of you having a showdown in the middle of the hospital. The doctor says I'm supposed to be calm, does this look like calm to you? Archer, I called you because you're my brother and my best friend and I wished you could be here. Well, now you are here so kindly do me a favor and shut the hell up." She exhales loudly.

Both my father and uncle are silent. I almost want to give Mom a round of applause.

"Now if you'll excuse me, I'm trying to get through the rest of this labor in peace."

"Okay," Dad sighs. "Well I think I'm gonna let the two of you catch up a little bit. I'll be right back." He leans down and kisses Mom one more time before leaving the room. I get up to follow him but Mom holds her arms out for me.

"No, you stay here this time," she says to me. I oblige, and sit next to her on the bed.

"You're really here for me, right? You're not just spying on me for Bizzy?" Mom asks Uncle Archer.

"Seriously, I am 100 percent here for you, Sis," he holds his hands up in defeat. "Is there anything I need to do to prove it to you?"

"No," Mom sighs. "I'm just…really glad to see you."

"Me too," he smiles, sitting down.

I lean back and rest my head against Mom's shoulder.

Mom smirks at her brother. "So tell me…who is she this time?"

* * *

**Derek's POV**

I smile to myself as I stand at the nurses' station going over some patient notes; no matter how much Archer and I loathe one another, no matter how much of an arrogant and self-righteous ass I think he can be, even I can't deny how good of a brother and uncle he is to my wife and daughter. Him being here will make Addison happy, and she's had enough unhappy throughout this pregnancy to last her a lifetime.

Right now I'm just glad that my family is safe, especially Laurie, and no one, not even Archer, can take that away.

It seems so strange though, not being in a hospital, but being in a hospital and Addison about to give birth again. It doesn't even seem like that long ago that the twins were born, both little enough to fit along my forearms. Until them, I never knew it was possible to love two people so much…so unconditionally.

**Seventeen years and three months ago**

It only takes a moment for Addison to feel me staring at her, still in her hospital bed holding our newborn twin daughters, only four hours old. She's just given them their second feeding.

"What?" She smiles up at me softly.

"Nothing, nothing, I'm just…I'm in love with you is all."

Addison blushes. "Oh please Derek; I'm a sweaty exhausted mess who has no idea what she's doing."

"You look beautiful," I tell her without a second thought. "Our babies are so attached to you already."

"Honey they have to be," Addison chuckles. "I'm their primary food source." I notice she and Laurie both let out yawns simultaneously; even as I guy I find that incredibly adorable.

"But still," I argue, sitting next to her and kissing her temple. "Here, why don't I take them for a little while and you get some sleep."

Addison sighs, looking down at the twins, like she's afraid if she fell asleep even for a minute she would miss something.

"Honey, they're fed, sleepy, happy…it'll be fine. You have to sleep some time."

Addison yawns again.

"My point exactly," I say, gently picking up Rinny. "I'll go sit in the nursery with them. The nurses are all there, we'll be fine." I bend over and kiss Rinny's little forehead as she stirs in her sleep. My mom visited just a couple hours ago and even she couldn't deny this little one is a mini-Derek.

"Well…okay," Addison relents. "But you wake me up if _anything_-"

"Don't worry, Addie, I know," I reassure her, taking Laurie in my other arm. "Come on you two; let's let Mommy get some sleep." I stand up with them, bouncing them lightly as we leave the room.

Moments later I sit in a rocking chair in the nursery, rocking my tiny sleeping girls back and forth.

"I can't believe the two of you are finally here," I whisper to them. "You know, Mommy and I didn't plan on having a baby now, let alone twins, but I'm so glad you're here. Daddy loves you both so much."

Laurie makes little cooing noises in her sleep, turning her face in toward my chest.

"Sometimes it might seem like we have no idea what we're doing since we've never been parents before. But you've never been babies before either, so I think…maybe if we work together we can do this." I kiss both of their little heads.

"I can't wait until you're older and we can do so many fun things together. I can teach you to play soccer, to swim, to fish…basically everything Mommy hates," I smirk. I could swear I see Laurie let out a little smile, even if she's not old enough yet.

"But don't grow up too fast, okay? That's not allowed."

I pause, like either of the girls could talk back to me.

"And as far as boys go, neither of you are allowed to date until you're 40, are we clear on that? Because I know better than anyone that boys only want one thing…and I know both of you are gonna grow up to be as beautiful as your mommy."

Both girls continue to snooze in my arms, unfazed by anything I'm saying.

"I guess I should just let you sleep now, huh?" I kiss them again. "Daddy loves you both so much," I repeat.

You're both so perfect.

* * *

**Addison's POV**

"Well Dr. Shepherd, you only have one more centimeter to go before we can start pushing," Dr. Harrison smiles up at me like giving birth is the most fun experience in the entire world.

"Great," I groan. "Can't we just skip that part and you can just yank her out of there?"

"Addison I think you know better than anyone that I can't do that," Dr. Harrison replies. "No matter how much I wish I could. But hey, if no one gave birth, you and I would be out of a job." She winks.

"That and the human race would go extinct, no big deal," Laurie pipes up from beside me.

"I always knew it would come in handy to have a smart daughter one day," I joke, wincing from the pressure in my abdomen.

"I am going to go check on a couple things really quick and I'll be right back," the doctor announces.

"Thanks Dr. Harrison," I nod.

"Addie, you're sure you don't want Archer in here for this?" Derek asks. I can tell he's praying I'll say no, but probably thought it would be nice to ask anyway.

"Derek don't look so enthusiastic, I don't want him in here for this. Besides, I don't think _he_ really wants to be in here either…"

Derek looks noticeably more comfortable.

"So is it slightly less daunting this time, knowing you only have to give birth once?" Laurie asks.

"A little. But if I had stopped after Rin I never would have gotten you," I smile at her. She moves to sit next to me on the bed and I take her hand.

"And we couldn't have that, now could we?"

"Absolutely not," I say, rubbing circles on her hand with my thumb. I try not to think back to yesterday, being so completely terrified again of losing her. Telling myself that if Laurie were murdered, I would give birth to Josie and then kill myself; leaving a daughter who would never remember her mother would be easier than living with another daughter killed.

After a while the pressure gets so bad I start taking deeper breaths. Derek reaches for the cool washcloth on the side table and rests it on my forehead. I smile at him gratefully, my gaze lingering. Just by looking at him I'm completely in awe of how far our relationship has come; from happily married, to happily married with two beautiful little girls, to devastation, to a rebuilt happiness, to distance and hostility, to separation, to reconciliation, and now to having another baby. So many steps.

None of it has been easy, but all of it has been worth it, just to be together now, no matter how we got here.

I remember being in the hospital with Derek that long winter night back in December of 1989; that long, painful, wonderful, beautiful winter night. I wasn't supposed to give birth to the twins naturally, but it turns out the girls had a different plan for me by making me go into labor early, and then by chance being in the perfect position for a natural birth.

The longest, most painful, wonderful, beautiful experience of my life.

Turning my head to look at Laurie, for a moment could swear I see a shadow next to her, a shadow of our baby Rinny, who should still be here with us. But in a way, I think she's always here with us, no matter what.

Derek seems so much calmer this time around; happy, but calm. Unlike last time…

"_Oh come on Addie, just think how great it's going to be, our girls are almost here, and it's our _season._"_

He would lean down to kiss me, so nervous he couldn't stop talking. But good old Derek, he never let on he was nervous, he was all smiles all the time. It was so late at night, or early in the morning depending on how you wanted to look at it. This time it's almost the afternoon, which tells me Josie's not going to be much of a morning person, just like her big sister Laurie.

"Oh God," I breathe, adjusting myself in bed. "I think it's almost time."

"Remember Addie, by this time with the twins you were cursing my name," Derek smiles and I hear Laurie laugh. He stands up to take my hand. "You can squeeze as hard as you need to," he whispers, leaning down to kiss me.

"I appreciate that, honey," I tell him.

"You can take mine too," Laurie stands up to take my other hand.

"Uh uh, Laurie you're gonna be a surgeon one day; you're gonna need those," Derek jokes.

"And what kind of argument is that? You're already a surgeon," she shoots back.

"Fine but don't say I didn't warn you," he says.

"Okay Addison I think it should be about time," Dr. Harrison reenters the room, followed by Izzie Stevens and Nurse Debbie, both of whom I requested out of familiarity. I notice Izzie smile over at Laurie, basically the big sister my daughter never got.

As soon as I'm put in the stirrups again I feel it; it's time. I flash back to 1989 again.

"_Just hang in there hon, you're doing great," the nurse smiled at me, patting my shoulder._

"_Oy…eyes on the prize," I said to myself. Derek smiled next to me, that oh so handsome smile that I hoped at least one of my babies will inherit. _

"_Alright Addison, on the count of three I'm gonna need you to push."_

"On the count of three you're gonna push for me, alright?"

I look down; it's not Dr. Meyers, it's Dr. Harrison sitting between my legs. This isn't Laurie and Rinny, it's Josie.

Suddenly it all feels very real to me; Laurie standing on my right holding a cool cloth to my forehead, Derek standing on my left holding my hand, doctors and nurses surrounding us. And as soon as I'm done pushing, I'll have another baby girl.

Will she look like me or Derek?

Will she look like Laurie…or Rinny?

Whose eyes will she have? Whose nose? Whose smile? Whose toes?

"I can't do it," I groan.

"Yes you can, Mom," Laurie's soft voice reassures me, her hand running down my sweaty cheek. But I don't really hear her, the only thing I hear is the small voice in the back of my head, so strong I could swear it's right in front of me.

_You hafta do it, Mommy._

The doctor is talking to me; I don't hear her either.

"Rin," I whisper, beads of sweat dripping down my forehead. "I can't…I can't replace you…"

_You're so silly Mommy!_

The voice is giggling at me.

_You can't replace me! I'm right here! Just…push._

I take a deep breath, repeating Rinny's words to myself.

_Just…push_.

With as much strength as I have, I lean forward and push as hard as I can. The pressure is killing me, just as I remember, feeling like I'm going to rip in half.

"Okay, okay, good," Dr. Harrison brings me back to the present. "Stop there, wait for the next contraction."

I feel Derek's hand in mine; hear him telling me how great I'm doing. The next contraction comes and I'm pushing again, until I physically have to take another breath.

"Good, good!" Dr. Harrison says again. "We've got the head out!"

Head; I wonder what color hair she has? Brown? Red? Both? "Hair…" I breathe.

"I'm not looking down there 'til all the blood's gone," Laurie comments, pressing the cloth to my forehead again. I wish I were in a state to laugh at her; she's always said she would never become an OB.

Just a few more. I push again and again.

"_There's Katherine," Derek smiled down at me. I lay eyes on the little head of dark hair - my Katherine._

"There's Josie."

I come to. Placed right on my chest is another little dark-haired baby, Josie. Derek's smiling widely down at me again, leaning to kiss my forehead. I hear Josie's cries and I'm immediately overwhelmed, not with grief, but with love; a love that explodes within me.

"Oh my God," I cry, tears streaming down my cheeks already. "Oh my…hi. Hi baby girl, hi Josie." I press a kiss to her tiny head as Derek cuts the umbilical cord, like he did for our other two daughters.

I can't stop crying, looking at this beautiful creature my husband and I created together. A nurse immediately takes a towel, wiping her off and swaddling her. I place as many kisses on her little head as possible, and as soon as she tilts her face up toward mine it's like no one else exists but Josie and me. Josie, who looks just like her big sister…

Katherine.

It's only when Izzie takes her to get weighed and I deliver the afterbirth that I remember there are other people in the room. Laurie takes my hand again and I look up at her – she's crying too.

"She looks just like Rin," she says through her tears. I hold my arms out for her, an embrace which she happily falls into.

"I think the bad stuff is gonna stop now," I mutter into her hair. "It seems like only yesterday this was you."

Derek sits next to us, pulling me into his arms. "She's perfect," he says, and I turn to kiss him on the lips, with all the love I have for him.

"Thank you," I whisper into the kiss. Thank you for everything. "She looks just like her daddy."

I hold Laurie close as Izzie brings the baby back to us.

"Seven pounds, nine ounces, 18 inches long, ten fingers, and ten toes," she grins. "You have a very healthy baby girl. Congratulations, guys."

"Thanks so much Izzie, for everything," I tell her as she hands me my daughter.

Laurie runs the back of her hand along Josie's soft cheek. The baby coos, opening her eyes a sliver.

"Hiya Sis," Laurie greets her. "You know you were supposed to be the little brother I begged for, but I think you'll do." She leans down to kiss her forehead and I'm overwhelmed with love for my girls. Josie opens her eyes wider now, only for a moment, taking in her father, sister, and me. Right away I see a deep, beautiful blue, just like her big sister…

Lauren.

I let Derek hold her and bond with her for a moment before she starts opening her mouth like she wants to nurse. I had been nervous for a while, thinking I wouldn't remember how or even that it wouldn't feel right with this new baby, but now I think taking care of this little one is going to feel completely natural.

As I take Josie back into my arms, Laurie announces she's going to go get Archer, who's been waiting patiently in the waiting room…probably hitting on all the nurses, I think to myself.

"You've got the greatest big sister in the entire world, Josie," Derek says to her.

"Yes you do, baby girl," I agree. "I just hope you like soccer."

"And _The Godfather_," Derek adds.

"Ha no. I am not letting you expose her to that any time soon," I laugh. However, I actually love the bond Derek and Laurie have and would love nothing more than for Josie to have the same…except it wouldn't hurt to have at least one ally when it comes to _The Godfather_.

Derek pulls us into his arms again as I stare down at my newest little girl.

"I love you, Josie. I always wanted you," I whisper, hesitating only a moment before leaning down and nuzzling my nose against hers, just like I used to do with Rinny. The baby twitches and coos some more, not expecting the contact.

Josie; so beautiful, so perfect.

**Josephine Margaret Montgomery Shepherd**

**March 10, 2007**

**7 lbs, 9 oz.**

* * *

**Josie's here! Reviews are always welcome :) **


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